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KLYNN5501 · Sep 17, 2009, 11:30 AM

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years, he is 38 and I am 27. We have both committed to each other and don't see other people. We spend almost all of our time together with the exception we don't live together. I have two children and he has none. I often think about getting married and moving in together, and every time I talk to him about it he says that he wants to also someday. I am to the point I am not getting any younger and would like to make a marriage commitment and I am very confused on how long I should wait for him?

Imabadman · Sep 17, 2009, 11:42 AM

Hmmm... at 3 years and his age I would hope he would be putting some thought to this too. If you honestly tried to talk with him and he's unresponsive... you may have to consider he's not as committed. Maybe a commitment-phobe.

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 12:07 PM

You're just going to have to talk to him. Noted that he said "someday," but you'll need to get a more serious answer from him. Who knows how long you will have to wait and there's no guarantee that he will want to take this relationship to the next level.

Otherwise, you should let him know that you would rather look for someone else who wants the same thing as you.

KLYNN5501 · Sep 17, 2009, 12:37 PM

When I talked to him about it he said he wants to move in together and get married he just wants us to stop arguing so much, Most arguments are about this issue, I feel bad about myself and wonder why he doesn't want to take it to the next level, I also told him if he doesn't think he wants what I do then maybe were not right for each other, he gets upset and says I am giving up 80%(him) for 20%(someone else).

Imabadman · Sep 17, 2009, 01:55 PM

To me it just sounds like your life goals aren't meshing up.

Justwantfair · Sep 17, 2009, 02:33 PM

I have to vote with commitment issues.

38, never been married, never had children. From my own experience, you have a LONG road ahead of you.

You choose to wait and then at four years maybe you end up living together, then you wait another four years for an engagement... only to find out that he has decided that you aren't 'the one'. I could have wrote your post myself three years ago.

Sometimes no matter how strong the relationship it is difficult to find common ground when you are with a commitment phobic.

So either appreciate the relationship you have at the speed that you have it, because that is not going to change or get out of the relationship because it is not going to change.

Cat1864 · Sep 17, 2009, 02:48 PM

Please remember that how you discuss the situation is very important. You need to sit down and listen when the other person is speaking. Think about what the other person wants and try to decide if you really want the same thing.

He needs to know why you want marriage. Some people don't feel that it is important these days. You need to listen to why he wants to wait. He may have fears that he hasn't brought up for personal reasons.

winding200 · Sep 17, 2009, 03:35 PM

We only live once, and our life is precious. I would not waste my life for someone who has no intention or rush to marry after 3 years.

Common rule. All the love has life span. It starts with spark, passion, admiration, and rush, but the amazing feeling subsidies after 2 years. Some scientists say love last only 4 years with the same amount of passion. 7 years itch also suggest, love can disappear in 7 years. I know everybody is different, but having said that I suggest you have one more year to working on marriage.

When a man is in crazy love, he will do anything for 'the woman'. He does not show the level of love in my opinion. How about casually suggest him to get engaged first, and work on the argument issue if he think is it the real reason he tries not to marry you. You will see his response, and use it for evaluation. He could be commitment phobia or just not that into you 'like crazy' even at age 38 after 3 years of relationhsip with you. Either way, it is not a good sign. If you see the firm red flag, which you cannot fix, then you better stop wasting your life, and need loss control. He loves enough to sleep with you, but not enough to marry you. So, what are you giving him? What are you getting from him?

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 05:00 PM

Your arguments between the two of you stem from the fact that you want different things. You want a more serious relationship, but he's just looking for something more casual.

You can't force him to want something. He has to want it naturally. Listen to your instincts, you're not right for each other.

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 07:20 PM

If you haven't worked things out between the two of you for your own future, then its time to re-evaluate this whole thing. If he doesn't want to talk about it then, you leave.

No communications, no relationship, so forget marriage.

ginger4467 · Nov 29, 2011, 10:03 AM

This happened to me, After 3 years of dating and even living together, I wanted Marriage. He had never married or had children, He was 38, I was 40. I had to move on, it was very hard, Im not going to lie, but I could not live a lie. Even if I never achieve my Goal, I will keep trying, I realized that I was being used, and that I was never going to get out of this relationship what I needed. He moved on after 6 weeks, (hurt very bad) But it is OK, It was not meant to be. 1 year and 4 months later I meet someone on Match.com, so we will see. I can not tell you what to do. But I can tell you to Listen to that inner voice. Trust it!!