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redhed35 · Sep 12, 2009, 09:20 AM

Good,looks like you have grown a little back bone and said no.

Keep up the no contact...

(by the way,sleeping around will wreak yourself esteam... just thought I sneak that in there)

People usually go one of two ways after a break up, they stagnate and isolate themselves, they wish they were dead,don't wash,cry,play sad love songs... or they hit the town running,jumping from one bed to the next... it just slows the healing process,you will recover faster and be stronger if you focus on you.. just for a while,grow,you'll be a better man for it... use your head here,think...

Getting your rocks off only ends up giving you an itch you can't scratch,and I'm talking about problems forming relationships not std's.

CoolDude48323 · Sep 12, 2009, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

good,looks like you have grown a little back bone and said no.

keep up the no contact...

(by the way,sleeping around will wreak your self esteam...just thought i sneak that in there)

people usually go one of two ways after a break up, they stagnate and isolate themselves, they wish they were dead,dont wash,cry,play sad love songs...or they hit the town running,jumping from one bed to the next....it just slows the healing process,you will recover faster and be stronger if you focus on you..just for a while,grow,you'll be a better man for it...use your head here,think...

getting your rocks off only ends up giving you an itch you can't scratch,and im talking about problems forming relationships not std's.

Thank you for that. I REALLY needed to hear that because I was totally going down the wrong path being slutty... That really helped... I thought it was weird to feel the way you described it, because that is exactly how I was feeling, but I guess its normal

CoolDude48323 · Sep 15, 2009, 05:54 PM

Update: I just found out that my ex was seeing someone else towards the end of our relationship, and after the sex with that person, I heard they broke it off... Apparently they were dating for a month as she was trying to rebound to get over me quickly... This is from a close mutual friend... No WONDER she wasn't answering my calls and ignoring me for the last few weeks having me drinking myself to sleep... No WONDER she is blowing up my phone constantly recently... Now things start to make sense...

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

DerelictHerds · Sep 15, 2009, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by CoolDude48323

Update: I just found out that my ex was seeing someone else towards the end of our relationship, and after the sex with that person, I heard they broke it off.....Apparently they were dating for a month as she was trying to rebound to get over me quickly.....This is from a close mutual friend......Now WONDER she wasnt answering my calls and ignoring me for the last few weeks having me drinking myself to sleep.......Now WONDER she is blowing up my phone constantly recently...Now things start to make sense......

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

As you go on, more and more things will make sense to you.

none12345 · Sep 15, 2009, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by CoolDude48323

Update: I just found out that my ex was seeing someone else towards the end of our relationship, and after the sex with that person, I heard they broke it off.....Apparently they were dating for a month as she was trying to rebound to get over me quickly.....This is from a close mutual friend......Now WONDER she wasnt answering my calls and ignoring me for the last few weeks having me drinking myself to sleep.......Now WONDER she is blowing up my phone constantly recently...Now things start to make sense......

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

Why are you still concerned about what your ex is doing or who she is doing?

Time to move on man.

friend4u178 · Sep 15, 2009, 06:12 PM

Originally Posted by CoolDude48323

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

You have both been keeping each other as a back up plan , that's why you keep breaking up and getting back together after you have been together with other people.

It's a viscious cycle that just keeps going until one of you grows some b*lls and puts a stop to it.

talaniman · Sep 15, 2009, 09:44 PM

Originally Posted by CoolDude48323

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

Reread this post again, and you have your answer. This is a good example of two people who are using each other as a safety net, while they explore.

CoolDude48323 · Sep 17, 2009, 11:26 AM

Thanks talanman,

I read it... I sit back and laugh because I remember I told my girflriend that we BOTH need to work on our attitudes and how we respond to each other... And her response was "dont say WE...say YOU.....YOU work on yourself if you feel that is a problem.....If I feel that I have an attitude, I will work on it.....So dont say WE need to work on anything"...

That's what really put the icing on the cake to say I'm through... is there a prblem saying "We Both need to work on......".

redhed35 · Sep 17, 2009, 11:33 AM

No, there's no problem saying 'we both need to work on our relationship'

If your in a relationship!

Stop stressing over the what ifs now,move on!

Flogging a dead horse is not going to change anything... you were both to blame here,. you need to rethink and say.. 'we were both at fault' and leave it there.

CoolDude48323 · Sep 17, 2009, 12:38 PM

Yeah that's true. Ive never met anyone that didn't appreciate someone saying "We need towork on this"... u know yourself, and you know your partner

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 01:00 PM

But you can only control yourself, not your partner.

CoolDude48323 · Sep 17, 2009, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

But you can only control yourself, not your partner.

So Talaniman,

In my next relationship if I decide to ever get in one again,

Are you saying that me saying "We need to work on this" if I feel that we Both have a problem with the same issue that this would be controlling that person's behaviior? If I'm trying to have communication and help resolve the issues, how is it controlling someone else if I'm expressing to them that we Both need to work on our crappy attitudes towards each other? Should I have just admitted my mistakes only?

I know you are experienced. What is your opinion to that?

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 01:43 PM

Better to start with "I", and not we, as your partner may see things differently than you. That gives them the chance to understand YOUR feelings, and not question their own.

Better I think to lead by example, and they follow if their willing, and you are on the right path.

Its much easier to be willing to work together when expressing yourself from your view, and not assume she feels as you do. That gives your partner room to think, and understand, and not feel your putting a problem she may not see in her face.

Then she won't be so defensive, and push back. Nothing is accomplished this way.

"When you have that attitude it makes me feel such and such a way, as opposed to "your attitude turns me off", or "We have a problem. See the difference? Don't attack, or imply blame, or wrong doing.

You talk a lot better I think, when you discuss, calmly, or even emotionally. In addition, back off, and listen, as I clearly sense her reaction was because of the way you came at it.

When you express yourself honestly, use "I", and the feedback, or her reaction to it may be so much better, because she doesn't feel as threatened, if she is mature as your trying to be.

CoolDude48323 · Sep 17, 2009, 02:49 PM

That's true... if someone was in a relationship with you and they kept shooting down your opinions when you were expressing yourself and or seeming not interested in what you have to say, or when you say " i think we should just break this off and be single" and they say "well you have your options" or they say "Well what do u want to do then" when you expres yourself, it means

A. They're in love or liking someone else which means that what you have to say makes no difference anymore

B). They don't respect you... IF someone doesn't respect you, those are the ones that usually cheat and/or use you as a safety net... But when you ignore them for a while(ie sending them to vm constantly) then they go crazy...

I can't even imagine being in another relationship... this still just urks me... I recently rebounded, and now I just hurt that persons feelings because I admitted I wasn't over my ex, and this rebound has been buying me all kinds of things... I never said we were dating, but apparently because I accepted her gifts, she seemed to think so... this new person though I really think cares about me. I would rather just fully get over my ex before dating her

winding200 · Sep 17, 2009, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by CoolDude48323

I can't even imagine being in another relationship....this still just urks me...I recently rebounded, and now i just hurt that persons feelings because i admitted i wasnt over my ex, and this rebound has been buying me all kinds of things.....i never said we were dating, but apparently because i accepted her gifts, she seemed to think so...this new person tho i really think cares about me. I would rather just fully get over my ex before dating her

You are right, Rebound relationship only destroy your healing process, and make you shallow. Take some alone time, and heal from the toxic relationship. Do not fill your void with another warm person's body if your heart is not there. It is not good for you, or her.

By the way, when you are in the right relationship with the right person, the breaking up pattern will not happen. That is the first sign you are in the right relationship.