[JillR]

Hi... I am considering ending my marriage and this is a huge decision. We have been together since I was 16, I am now 30. We spentmany years in love, but since we married fiveyears ago, we live like roomates. We do not have kids, but we do have a home. My husband and I have not slept in the bed together in 2 & 1/2 years because he stays awake playing video games all night every night. We go sixth months sometimes without having sex. He is not interested in anything else, and refuses counseling. I have talked with himmultiple times abouthow lonely I am but nothing changes. He is the laziest person I have ever met. I want a family, but not like this. Am itoo old to start over? He has completely let himself go and I am tired of being alone. Leaving him will hurt him badly, and I can't stand the thought of hurting his family. His parents arelike my own parents. I have put off leaving because it will be so hardand idon't want to hurt him. Am I expecting too much? He is honest, loyal, and I know he loves me. Is it too late for me to find the right person? Should I just be happy with what I have?

I should also mention that I love sports and I work out religiously. My husband refuses any physical activity- even walking the dog. He is happy with the way things are and wants nothing to change. I am not attracted to him anymore. Friends suggest that he may be depressed, he says they're wrong and gets mad at me for talking about it with other people.

[zippit]

Your right you are roomates married by paper ONLY
Life is too short to go on like this if you had kids different story,in-laws are not a strong enough reason to continue or try to change this mess ,anyway once you have parted ways he will be forced to spend more time with his family and they will see what you have been going through...

[artlady]

I do not like to encourage people to give up on their marriage but it sounds as if this marriage is already over and you are a couple in name only.

I think before you make such a life altering decision,I would ask him again if he is willing to seek therapy.With the understanding that if he does not ,you are walking.

I don't care for ultimatums but I think that you need to give him one now.

Either he works with you or he loses you.

If he cares about the marriage he needs to get out of his comfort zone and get help to save it.

It is harder to live with someone that you love and respect who is distant from you than it is to be alone.They are within your reach but unreachable.

You are only 30 and that is very young.It is never too late to have a quality of life.

Settling will only cause resentment and no one should have to settle for a loveless marriage.

I think it is ultimatum time.

[Gemini54]

No one should have to willingly choose a marriage that is empty. Let's face it, all things run their course, perhaps your relationship has petered out after 14 years. We change so much in our teens and twenties that it would almost be a miracle if you were still tightly connected and 'in-love'.

Many years ago, I had to make the same call with my then partner of 13 years. I talked to him and suggested that we had essentially 3 choices:

1. Stay together and keep going the way we were.
2. Seek counselling and get to the bottom of our relationship malaise.
3. Separate and go our own ways.

Option (1) was not a choice for me at that time, and I sense that it isn't for you currently. My ex was not interested in counselling, so the only choice was (3), separation.

Perhaps you can put the same 3 choices to your husband - it will give him the option of thinking about your relationship and making a decision, and you will feel as if it's not quite an ultimatum. (Although, in your own mind, you know that it is.)

He needs to make a choice - and, you both need to get on with your lives be it separate or together.

[talaniman]

Maybe you, and your husband are different, but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely, or change him.

Have you developed a life that makes you happy outside the marriage? That's where I would start, since there are no children, and you seem to have a lot of freedom. Maybe to much. In this way you both can learn to miss, and appreciate each other.

I also think there is something else going on that your not telling.

[JillR]

Thank you for your advice. I know I should leave, but it's going to be hard because we've been together for so long. I don't understand how he is perfectly happy and I'm so unhappy. When we met, he never wanted to get married or have kids. I was fine with that at 16, but as I have gotten older, what I wanted changed. I wish I would have realized then that we didn't want the same things in our lives. He gave in to what I wanted... He even gave in to having kids (after an ultimatum). I don't want to give another ultimatum, he has changed too muc h for me already. I just want it to be over. This is going to hurt him so much, I just can't live the rest of my life like this.
There is not a lot that I am not telling... We've always been faithful to one another. In fact, I am terrified of dating since I've never been with anyone else. My husband loves me and he is honest and loyal. I worry that o expect too much.

[artlady]

Not all relationships last a lifetime.
Sometimes people just grow in different directions and the relationship fades away.

I fell out of love and ,yes,I still love him as someone I held dear to this day but it was not the type of love that sustained a marriage.

We started dating at 14 ,married at 18 and by 20,I was a different person and so was he.

You can't fake it and be in a marriage that is loveless.
It is unfair to everyone.No one wins.

I don't doubt that you love one another but sadly,it takes more than love to keep a marriage happy and vital.

He must be willing to work at it.Perhaps individual counseling would help you come to terms with your feelings and help you sort things out.
That is what I would suggest before you make any life changing plans.

[I wish]

If he loves you as much as you say he does, then you shouldn't feel so bad asking for things from him. After being together for 14 years, you should have a strong communication system.

He's perfectly content with the marriage, but you're not. I'm not sure how you define the word love, but part of being in love is wanting to make the other person happy. So if he realizes that you're not happy, he should make an effort to try to make you happy. If he's not making the effort, then he's not really in love with you the way you think he is.

You need to push him a little more. Be clear about your feelings. Tell him the consequences (i.e. leaving him) if things don't change between the two of you.

It's not about him. It's not about being scared to hurt him. This is about you. You're hurt. So you need to help yourself first. You should be the priority. You've compromised so much for him, it's time to take care of yourself.

[Jake2008]

How can you be so sure he is happy simply because he doesn't change. Even if he says he's happy, to me, it looks like he's lost his way. I mean that in just the way you have described him.

You no longer sleep in the same bed, because you say he's up all night, every night playing video games. Why do you think that started. Do you think it may have something to do with you not finding him physically attractive, he's 'let himself go' as you said. Could he have picked up on that?

He's faithful, he's honest, and he's loyal as you said, yet you find fault and talk to your family, his family, and friends about it. Could that have something to do with him feeling a bit of distance emotionally from you? You consider him lazy, and yourself lonely. You want counselling to address his shortcomings as you've indicated.

In other words, if he was different, in better shape, had better habits, wasn't so lazy, and spent more time with you, you woulnd't feel lonely, and things would be okay?

I feel the slant is toward him solving all the problems, and thus with you being happy with him changing, the marriage is worth saving.

He needs to be heard, and you aren't hearing him. Your opinion of him is very low, despite the qualities that most women would be thrilled to have in their men.

To say you have grown tired of him because of 'x' amount of years is rubbish. There is no magic number that says the marriage is worn out, and you have to get a new one.

I don't think you are trying hard enough. When is the last time you planned a special evening out for the two of you, or does he embarrass you too much and you are self-conscious about his appearance. Have you actually gone and made an appointment with a marriage counsellor? How do you know what the problems are, as he perceives them to be, if he hasn't been free to talk, without you talking about what he says or does.

Be honest with him, and be honest with yourself. Take the time to do what it takes to at least try to figure out what the problems are. Surely they are more than superficial, and most definitely this is not all about you. If you think of him as likely having equal concerns, then there is much you do not know.

If there is no other way than an ultimatum, then for God's sake, do it. Push the envelope, make the call, set up the appointments, mark them on the calendar, and then go. Go by yourself if you have to, and at least get a professional ear to listen to you and offer some guidance in how to proceed to get through to him.

If he sees you putting the effort forth, he may surprise you, and agree to go. You will never know unless you do something concrete.

Don't give up without a fight. Put him first along with your marriage, and set your freedom plans on hold for now. You have a lot of work to do before even considering divorce.

[talaniman]

You can find happiness by changing your own life, not changing men.

[jmjoseph]

How old is your husband? Because he sounds like he is 15. Some people get set in their ways and WILL NOT change. Are you too old to start over? I read an article just last week about an old couple who met in the nursing home and decided to get married. He was 94, and she was 92. So it's never too late for love. He absolutely refuses counseling? If he sees you making arrangements for a divorce, do you think he will change his mind? I wish you the best.

[paulspc]

Hey the dawn of a new day is the dawn of a new life so change is certain. People grow and change as life goes on and life is what you make it. I am not the same person with the same attitudes as when I was 16. If you are not happy and strive to be happy then you must seek what will make you happy as no one can make that decision for you. Woman's intuition is a powerful one but may need a little confirmation from time to time. Hope all works out for you, but how many more years are you prepared to ignore your needs my love. Paul

[jmjoseph]

Life is too short. Don't be afraid to want to be happy with the one you love. He, AND his parents will get over it. Life goes on. Go live it. You will be so regretful when you get older if you don't live life to the fullest now.

[JillR]

Thanks again for the responses. I have recently been to a marriage counselor and I think I've made a decision to leave. I understand that my husband has an addiction and needs help.
I have decided to tell him next weekend. I want to talk to him as soon as possible because I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling him about my decision. However, I want to be able to leave the house if I need to and I could not do that until the weekend. I am terrified of what his reaction will be. He wouldn't hurt me, but he is going to be very angry. I need time to gain the courage to do this. This is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. I feel sick thinking about it, but I know I will never be happy if I don't. I hope he is willing to sign divorce papers. I really don't care about any of our assets, I just want out.
I also need to figure out how we are going to separate our lives. He works only nine hours per week right now because he is supposed to be looking for a job. He can't afford to live on his own. He could move home with his parents, but I don't know if he will be willing to do that until we can sell our house. I can't afford our house payment and an apartment. What do people do in these situations?

[redhed35]

The fact that you said 'i just want out' really hit a cord with me.
Be brave.
Be smart.

Regarding the last two lines of your post..
A question in the legal section may help you make some decisions about your home.

[talaniman]

I can understand your feelings, since you want a family, and I guess he doesn't.

[JillR]

I finally had the courage to tell my husband that I don't want to be together anymore. He admitted that he has neglected our relationship for several years and he knew that I wasn't happy. He says that he can be the man that I want him to be. He does not understand how I love him, but am not in love with him... he says he has always been in love with me.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hurting for years and I don't understand why it took this for him to want to change. It's not like I haven't told him multiple times that I was not happy. There are SO MANY things that he would have to change to make me happy. I told him he has to grow up. The video games have to go. He cannot be SO LAZY. He needs to recognize when things need to be done and not wait on me to tell him what to do. He would be doing all of this for me, not for himself. Will it last? Will it be enough? I don't understand this at all. Last night I told him I needed more time because his reaction was not what I expected. He is trying...
I have never been with anyone else and that was fine with me when I was happy. However, I have been miserable for so long that I have really become interested in meeting other people. I am curious about being with someone else because I never have. I don't know if this feeling will go away. I almost feel as though I didn't get to choose my spouse... and he will never let me go.

[Gemini54]

I finally had the courage to tell my husband that I don't want to be together anymore. He admitted that he has neglected our relationship for several years and he knew that I wasn't happy. He says that he can be the man that I want him to be. He does not understand how I love him, but am not in love with him... he says he has always been in love with me.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hurting for years and I don't understand why it took this for him to want to change. It's not like I haven't told him multiple times that I was not happy. There are SO MANY things that he would have to change to make me happy. I told him he has to grow up. The video games have to go. He cannot be SO LAZY. He needs to recognize when things need to be done and not wait on me to tell him what to do. He would be doing all of this for me, not for himself. Will it last? Will it be enough? I don't understand this at all. Last night I told him I needed more time because his reaction was not what I expected. He is trying...
I have never been with anyone else and that was fine with me when I was happy. However, I have been miserable for so long that I have really become interested in meeting other people. I am curious about being with someone else because I never have. I don't know if this feeling will go away. I almost feel as though I didn't get to choose my spouse... and he will never let me go.

Look, I don't think that it's good enough for someone to say - "I refused to hear you all those years, I knew you were unhappy and hurting but now I'm prepared to change because you've decided to leave". Yea right.

I suggest that you do need time away and what he needs is to see the counselor on his own to work out why he wasn't able to hear what you were saying to him and, why he lived with your unhappiness, and clearly his, for so long.

Are you able to go and stay somewhere else, or take a short break for a while?

I'm not saying you should ditch your marriage - I'm saying that you sound emotionally and physically exhausted and like you need a rest.

Perhaps when you've had a rest and he's spoken to the counselor you'll be in a better position to make a decision.

Keep in mind that he may never be able to 'make you happy' - or at least change to meet your expectations - it does take two people to work on happiness and make compromises.

[talaniman]

I almost feel as though I didn't get to choose my spouse... and he will never let me go.

Reality check/harsh alert
Your wrong, very wrong on both counts. You did chose your spouse, him, and for whatever reason your feelings are different, and so are your expectations, so don't blame him for not making you happy, thats your job, not his. You obviously haven't made him happy either.

Its not up to him to let you go, as that's your choice also, you can leave tomorrow if you really wanted to.

I hope you see he is only a small part of your problem.

Hate to be harsh, but excuses don't cut it when it comes to YOUR decisions to be happy and make adjustments to stay that way.

Why is it all about him making you miserable?? It seldom is that one sided, so please look at your side of the bed, before you yank all the sheets off, and think its ALL his fault.

You got in this together, now work on it together and keep the excuses why you can't.

Bottom line is you haven't, and that can be changed.

[Jake2008]

Just an observation that might have nothing to do with anything, but I haven't seen anywhere where you think that you need to change, or make changes, in order to try to make your marriage work.

Is it really just all about his faults?