[iwallo]

My daughter in law and son visited for 6 days recently. (they live out of state, been married one year, so I'm still in the process of getting to know my daughter in law.) during that visit, several times each day she would either jokingly put him down or jokingly criticize him. "you're such a dork.." was said more than I care to remember. Frequently he would come up with a comeback, along the same line (something he didn't do before being married). Sometimes it started to feel somewhat uncomfortable as they would "kid" about stuff I know are real issues between them. (they've been married one year only). At times it would end with her looking annoyed and then being quiet for periods, like she was in a bad mood or something.
At times she would try to get me to join in and agree with her "putdowns". I didn't. My son is certainly not perfect, and at first I just let it slide, but after day 3 it was starting to make everyone else in the family a little uncomfortable.
Any advice?

[Wondergirl]

I'd get her alone for some "girl talk" while baking cookies or doing the dishes (do something with her -- people talk better and easier when working together on a project). Along the way, ask her, "You and 'Junior' are such wonderful people, such a great match. What's with the put-downs between you two?"

Don't lecture her or monopolize the conversation -- let her talk and just say Hmmm or Wow or Uh-huh or other little prompts to keep her talking.

[N0help4u]

I agree you need to talk to her about being supportive and point it out that if she weren't to put him down he wouldn't have to defend himself with comebacks that end up hurting in the long run. Tell her that she needs to find more constructive supportive ways of talking with him or it is just going to totally wreck their marriage because over time relationships that are not nurtured do not survive.

One time when I heard someone doing put downs like that and they wanted me to jump in I simply said you're the one that married him so you must see something worthwhile in him. That nipped it in the bud.

[stevetcg]

My wife and I call each other dorks all the time. WE know what we mean by it. Couples frequently communicate in ways that are not necessarily apparent to others.

Possibly that is the situation here?

[ZoeMarie]

My husband and I do this. We joke around a lot. It seems some people don't seem to understand. I sometimes have to remind people when they look at us in a strange way, we aren't arguing. In my case though, his sister and parents will jump right in. Calling someone a dork isn't a big deal, I don't think. There's nothing mean about that. I hear a lot of people say that about someone when they're playing.

[spitvenom]

My wife and I call each other dork, nerd, geek (which I openly admit I am) all the time. My wife even has a shirt that says I love dorks. It's always been our way of flirting with each other even when we were just friends. She or I will even say well you married me and one of us will say that's because I love dorks.

Could it have been the tone they were using with each other? When we say it to each other it is not our normal voice it is more like a cute cartoon voice.

[MsMewiththat]

I really strongly strongly disagree and discourage you from mentioning it to her. You have admitted that you are getting to know her. WAY to early in the game to stick up for "junior". They have their own dynamic and if he was able to shut her down he's clearly holding his own. They will work it out. Best to stay way out of it Mom. Most likely easier said than done. Hang in there.

[Jake2008]

I think you did the right thing in not saying anything.

I agree with the others that it is not your place to take your new daughter in law aside and ask her anything about how she communicates with her husband.

[N0help4u]

Yeah it is best to only say something when you really really feel the time is right and not because you feel the need to but a time when you feel she is open and it comes up with out your bringing it up.