[hke27]

This is my first time posting on this site but I needed someone to talk to. Here is the situation – a few weeks ago, I got an email from this woman who my boyfriend works with claiming that he is not who he claims to be. I confronted him and found out that he had been dating her and me up until December (I had asked him back then if we were exclusive and he lied and said yes). We got together last July. (He is divorced and has been divorced for about 5 years. She was married and was having problems in her marriage. They were also friends). He apologized and said that he did it because he was scared to get too close to me since he had already been married. He said that it was his way of keeping me at a distance. I started to forgive him but I kept questioning in my head. Today, I asked him again and he admitted to sleeping with her every few weeks or so up until this June. So he had been sleeping with her and me for one year. He said that at that point he realized how much he loved me and cared for me and stopped. He says that he did it because he is scared of commitment. We have decided to take a break for a few weeks (but not date other people) so that he can seek therapy for his commitment issues. He has already made an appointment for tomorrow. He says that he wants to fix himself because he loves me very much and cares for me and sees a future with me. He says that I am everything he ever wanted and that is what scared him. Up until now I thought he was everything I wanted too. Would a person really cheat for that reason? He tells me how awful he feels for doing that to him, but is he being sincere? It looks like he is when I look into his eyes, but I am so confused. I love him and that is why this is so hard. I want to forgive him but at the same time, he has lied to me and I am not sure if I can ever trust him again. I told him that after he “fixes” himself, if I decided to be with him then I wanted us to go to couple’s counseling, which he agreed to. I wanted some outside opinions of what to do.
Also, the reason this other woman finally told me about this is that when she finally divorced her husband, she came back to my boyfriend in June and told him that she wanted to be with him. He said no and she threatened to tell me. He didn’t believe her, but she ended up telling me. Now, she realizes that he wants to be with me and she is sending me all these vindictive messages. I think she is just trying to break us up. Part of me wants to believe her but part of me still wants to believe my boyfriend. The woman is crazy though. She got into my boyfriends apartment through the lockbox on his apartment. He came back one afternoon recently after all this has happened and was sitting there. She wanted to know why they couldn’t be together since she got the divorce. He told her to leave. So that is why I want to believe my boyfriend over her with all this vindictive messages. Would a woman actually be that crazy and desperate to make stuff up?
Sorry if this is really confusing. I will clarify if need be.

[amicon]

This comes across as a remake of fatal attraction - possibly minus the bunny!here are all usual red flags-dont ignore them.cant commit cheats has a weird woman entering his flat-you name it.do you need this in your life?once a cheat always a cheat is my take on this. Stay away from this.

[sully123]

WOW, hke sounds like he actually isn't healed from his divorce. He doesn't want to get close in one hand and then he is stringing along the two of you in the other hand. Right now I think you need to walk away, he is trying, but he still lied to you, which that would make me leary. He can blame it on his divorce, but I am sorry, you don't sleep with two women and then lie to both of them. Red flags, beware. I wouldn't say much to this other girl either, I would keep my distance. He needs to go to counseling, to get himself together. Until then take a back seat, and good luck.l

[talaniman]

My boyfriend cheated on me for one year because he said he has commitment problems

I don't think you should be around while he works on WHATEVER issues he has. And he does have MANY.

[hke27]

Thanks for your input and advice. It's over completely now. I don't need him in my life after what he did to me. It still hurts but I will get over it and be Ok. Love makes us want to give second chances, but here the trust was broken completely and could never be repaired. Thanks again.

[slapshot_oi]

I will clarify if need be.

That won't be necessary, the subject alone was enough.

...I confronted him and found out that he had been dating her and me up until December (I had asked him back then if we were exclusive and he lied and said yes). We got together last July... Today, I asked him again and he admitted to sleeping with her every few weeks or so up until this June. So he had been sleeping with her and me for one year... I told him that after he “fixes” himself, if I decided to be with him then I wanted us to go to couple's counseling, which he agreed to. I wanted some outside opinions of what to do.

It might just be me, but after catching him a lie (twice!) about him cheating, the word "us" should have never passed by your lips again. I guarantee because you said you might get back together he thinks you're getting back with him for sure. Throughout your relationship, he has acted as if he's the master and you're the slave.

He tells me how awful he feels for doing that to him, but is he being sincere?

No doubt in my mind he feels awful for getting caught. June was only two months ago, had he a conscience and it were a truly a bad choice made under strenuous circumstances, it probably would've been a one-and-done situation.

and sees a future with me. He says that I am everything he ever wanted...

Ah, he was careful not to say you're the only thing he's ever wanted.

Would a person really cheat for that reason?

So my roommate and a friend of mine had an argument that a tennis ball can pass through a wall without affecting itself or the wall, basically a ghost-ball. My roommate said it's possible only because it cannot be proven that it's impossible. That being said, I guess the reason he gave is a possibility, but like the transendental tennis ball, it's highly unlikely.

Now, she realizes that he wants to be with me and she is sending me all these vindictive messages. I think she is just trying to break us up. Part of me wants to believe her but part of me still wants to believe my boyfriend. The woman is crazy though. She got into my boyfriends apartment through the lockbox on his apartment...

The bottom line of all of this is you're getting the business end of a bad deal. You've been deceived and used by him and are being harassed by this woman. Spit in his face, tell his girlfriend to screw (if she has committed B&E, she's a serious concern, you may have to press charges in the future) and leave town. This guy is a dirtbag.