[frozensprouts]

About finding another man, he has kind of shot myself esteem all to heck with the comments he has been making, so right now, I don't think I could.

[0rphan]

My dear frozen, I didn't actually mean for you to go and look for another man, in fact that would be the last thing on your mind right now.

Your bound to feel totally dumped on right now, just remember this was not of your doing.

I'm sure deep down you are trying to blame yourself... thinking it must have been something you did, this is not the case these thing just happen.Usually if there is a problem husband and wife talk it out together, your husband told you that there had been a problem for 3months... the problem being this other woman... which you couldn't discuss between you... hence the separation.

I know he says that she was just a friend until a few days after you separating... as I'v said before,I don't believe a word of it.

Lets face it frozen, you have been together 12 years, you separate and he only waits 3 days, absolute rubbish.

If he was devastated that your marriage had broken up after 12 years, then he wasn't upset for to long,in fact it took him a whole 3 days to have a relationship with another woman! Think about it frozen... in my opinion it was all planned despite what he says.

I hope he comes to his senses for the sake of you and the kids and really does make an effort tomorrow (monday) at the councillers.
Some how I feel that he is in a place he doesn't know how to get out of, I feel he will be very negative right now so very little will be resolved, I hope this isn't the case.

I wish you luck, I'll be thinking of you all.

Takecare

[frozensprouts]

I really liked the counselor that we saw, but I don't know what good it did. After we came home, he wwent out for a few minutes, and when he came home he told me that he wanted to get some kind of legal separation agreement, and move out. He told me that he still wants to go to counseling , that he still wants to "try", and that these things are his way of trying ( he figures if there is an agreement in place then neither of us will end up angry at the other person- I'm sorry, but that's nuts) . He says that we could do what the counselor recommended as far as "working on things", and maybe try going out together with out the kids sometimes and see what happens.
When I asked him what he was really doing to "try" he got angery and cited the above points, and said that the fact that he hopes I will still be here waitint for him when he gets back from deployment means something.
Right now, I am so angry and hurt and everything else.

[Jake2008]

I'm sure you realize that he needs to go more than once to see the counsellor. No work has really been done-yet.

If the counsellor is aware of the impending deployment, she will hopefully come up with a plan that will work for the both of you, until he comes back. That may include regular email (if possible), updates on the kids, etc.

If he has decided to formally get a separation before he goes, then there is not much you can do to stop him. But, I'd continue with the counselling anyway, because you will both have to reach mutual ground for the sake of the kids.

If all you can agree to is how to communicate without anger for now, then that is progress. I realize that you still have hope for the marriage, and I still say that when he is gone, he will have time to really think about what he wants to do. I would not bet on this one being over.

[0rphan]

Hi frozen,

Judging by your post there wasn't a lot gained to eleviate the current situation, I am so sorry, I really feel for you all.

Whilst I can see the point of moving out temporarily ( releaves the pressure and gives both of you space to think individually, also the kids don't have to be party to any bad feeling between you both ) for the life of me I fail to understand the point of a legal separation at this moment.
Surely that comes much later after several appointments with the counciller, decisions with the children's welfare, which is normally first priority and then the decision that you both make about your marriage.!

He must have decided where he was going to be staying before he told you of this, especially as he goes on about money issues.
It's quite expensive to rent, not to mention the fact that some places won't allow children, also there has to be room for the children to stay over at times, which means a larger place costing more rent.

I suppose he could be staying with family or friends.

Has he talked about the kids... how he is going to explain this or is it a case of that's your department.

Before he moves out there are several issues that must be addressed, i.e.. Kids, money, visiting, maintenance for you all, and so on.

The counciller suggested all the things that we have already said to you, but it seemed that at that time he wasn't interested.

So let me get this clear... he wants to separate, giving him freedom to do what he wants, not to mention leaving you to look after the kids alone, he'll then decide what he wants to do in his own time... I'm sorry froz' but he's got to be taking the p...

He then adds that he hopes you'll still be waitng for him when he comes home... words that I can print fail me.

He's a grown man with all the responsibilitys that entails, at least he could be upfront about things, instead of walking away every time you try to talk to him.

I think he is a very selfish man, who right now is only thinking of himself, what about his children and what about his wife.
I think he will go to councilling just so he can say he has and that he tried.

My immediate reaction is to say to you... let him go and have no contact with him, let him see exactly what it's like to be on your own.
I know this won't be possible because of your finances, but he cannot be allowed to come in and out of your lives at will, it will be to upestting for you and the children.
Let him visit on your terms.

A separation is not needed, maybe space is,for now... keep your chin up.

My sincere apologies if I have offended you by anything that I have said... I feel your anger

This is only my opinion, I really do wish that you all come through this together.

Takecare

[frozensprouts]

thanks Orphan, I appreciate the support.
He did come back ti the house with coffee at two, and we talked a lot in a way that made no sense to. I had been talking to a friend who is also a counselor, she told me based upon what I was telling her, it sounds like my husband does need some " space", and that gave me some ideas about thing to talk about. I wrote out the islt, he read it, and started going on about how " we are not together now" etc. He doesn't want to see the counselor anymore, so I don't much hope for the future. I have a feeling that he will be running right back to that girl, and that makes me feel ill.
We have to be together tomorrow, as we have to take our daughter to Hailfax for a medical appointment. I have a feelig that will be a ong and depressing drive ( about 5 hours each way)I asked him what this separation meant, and was it just to have something in lace while we get a divorce. He looked kind of surprised and said " I've never used that word before, or mentioned it"

Does anyone out there have a 2X4 they culd lend me for a minute- I could use it to knock some sense into him! ( ha ha)

[N0help4u]

With that remark from him I would take it as his final decision and get on with my life.
You are giving him too much leeway asking what the separation means. He wanted to leave you so why should he call the shots on how you should proceed from here? His way would probably mean sit and wait until he is done with his skirt fling and then you wasted years of your life when he never comes back.

Knocking sense doesn't work trust me --been there tried that!

[talaniman]

Your both under pressure, from finances and emotionally from care for your children. The stress is great, and neither of you seems to have the emotional support, to know how to support each other.

All couple go through these stresses, and healthy ones get through it together, or where one is strong enough to help the other.

Sorry to say, he needs more than a house wife, and you need more than an emotionally absent husband. And since your both isolated, and lost in your own worlds of misery, and pain, something has to change.

Either work together, or stop this room mate stuff, and really separate, physically. Those are your options. Not to be harsh, but cooking, and cleaning for him, is not what he needs, and only perpetrates to further drive you apart.

Lack of communications, and a lack of formulating a plan that works for you both with the finances, and health care of your children, is ruining you both, because there can be no light at the end of the tunnel until there is hope that a resolution can be reached to your problems.

You both lack the knowledge to have hope of things getting better, so get your counseling, for both emotional issues, and more importantly, for financial issues as well.

Good Luck to you all.

[N0help4u]

The stress is great, and neither of you seems to have the emotional support, to know how to support each other.

Exactly what I mean about her taking the first step and initiating a little romantic feelings to break the ice.

[frozensprouts]

This morning he came by tto pick us up and he told me that he had decided that he wasn't going to move out of the house, and I asked him what that made us- are we just waiting until enough time has gone by that he can ask for a divorce, are we trying to work on things , or is he just waiting to see what happens- he told me he is just waiting to see what happens. The trip today to take my daughter to her appointment wasn't too bad, but he kept the music in the van cranked up so loud that is was impossible to talk anyway. ( the Dr. diagnosed our daughter with fibromyalgia, and prescribed a new medication). When we got home, he said something about how he was glad we didn't argue, and that " I guess the only way that happens is if we don't talk at all". I told him, in a joking way, that I had tried to talk to him, but the music was so loud he didn't hear me. Then he told me that he was going out to his friends house for the night, and would be back tomorrow. I told him that he should either be here or not be here, but this " in and out " stuff is really hard on the kids. He told me that we weren't together, and I couldn't tell him what to do. He also told me that he wanted to talk tomorrow, and that one of the things he had wanted to talk about was that he didn't want me to read too much into the fact that we didn't argue today. He told me that he had to go and gather up some papers to take with him, which seems weird if he is just going to "visit a friend".
He did agree to see a different counselor, he picked the counselor.
Right now, I am so sick and tired of the whole thing. I wish he'd just leave, but we live in military housing, and because he is the military member, apparently he has the right to stay here, unless he is abuse. I don't think he's being abusive, just a jerk.

[N0help4u]

You are best off to distance yourself. Shock him and act like you don't expect anything from him and as you said the ''in and out'' stuff only makes it worse. He is making his bed outside the home and family leave him there.
Right now your main focus needs to be you and your daughter.

Here are some links for fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia Diet - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia Diet for Manging Symptoms

Fibromyalgia and Diet: 7 Foods to Avoid

Also vitamin B12 and 5 HTP is good for fibromyalgia
Also use sea salt instead of table salt

[WilkieLW]

Hi Frozensprouts.
I'm a military wife also and 5 days ago I was give the " I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He has agreed to go to counseling, and I too am doing everything you are doing. Trying to be nice, trying to look good. Everyone says go back to when you first met and try to act that way. That was 8 years ago. I don't remember. My husband said I'm also controlling.. etc. I really am. I don't know why I need to be. He is a very loving caring man. I really feel like my whole world is turning upside down and all of my hopes and dreams are flying out the window. I guess I just got to comfortable and let things get away from me. Something that has helped me is to write down and journal my feelings. It has really helped me vent and when you feel like crying just get it out. Don't be needy or clingy, and act like things are okay. Maybe even smile and flirt a little. Tell jokes and funny stores and get him to smile. Other than this.. so far I'm at a loss. Keep praying, and know that life goes on, and we will and can get through anything. After all we are military wives we are the toughest of the tough.

[frozensprouts]

Hi everyone!
It's been a while since I posted here, but I will update on what happened in case anyone is interested, and I also have a few questions to ask.

The day after I wrote my last post we had an appointment to see a different counselor at six . He went out the night before and he didn't get home until two in the afternoon. By that time, I was just so angry at him. He started talking about a "separation agreement' again, and I told him that I would not be getting one unless I saw a lawyer first. he was taken aback. i also asked him if he was still seeing that other girl. he told me he was and that he had strong feelings for her". I freaked! I had enough of being treated badly- there to look after the kids and all the "boring , mundane everyday stuff" while he went out and had fun with her with no responsibilities, etc. I called the base duty padre and reported what was going on, and I also called a divorce lawyer in the area that my dad knew. The padre took the report but both the lawyer and he told me to wait a day or two and see the counselor before deciding anything. I told my husband what I had done and what I was told, and he got really sad. I think it finally hit him. I also told him that I still loved him, in spite of everything, and would still be willing to give things one more try if that was what he wanted- he told me it was. We got ready and went to see the new counselor - she was great!

Between mid August and when he deployed in mid October, we saw the counselor about five or six times. He also saw her on his own. We started trying to do thing with just the two of us ( going out for lunch, the art gallery, going out for dinner) and things seemed to get a lot better. He even put his wedding ring back on.

I know that things at work got really stressful for him, and his deployment message got canceled four times until it all got sorted out. I was as supportive as I could possibly be for him during all that, and I think he appreciated that.

The week before his deployment, he started acting kind of weird. He started making morbid jokes about "if I don't come back' etc.. One night we had some friend over and we had a few ( maybe three each) drinks. we had a nice time, but when our friends left i got kind of sad that he would be leaving in a few days. He saw that i was upset and asked me what was wrong, I told him that I was sad that he was going soon,but he said he knew it was more than hat and he wanted me to tell him how I felt abut what happened. i told him that it wasn't really the time to get into that, as he was leaving soon and had enough on his mind without me adding to it. He started badgering me to talk to him ( he even told me "this could be your last chance to tell me"- morbid again) . He got angry, so i finally told him about how hurt and sad I was and how what he had done had hurt me- he said " well how do you think I'VE felt for he past few months". I asked him why he stayed, and all he would say was' I said I would try, and I'm trying". Then he fell asleep.

He left for deployment a few days later, and called me from Trenton, Germany , Camp mirage and Kandahar airfield. He goes on Gmail chat almost every day with me for a few minutes, and calls once a week. He tell me " I love you" at the end of every call or chat session, which is nice.

My problem now is that I am still afraid. If a day goes by and he doesn't email, I get all freaked out and wonder if he's emailing her or if he's decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have no reason to think that, but it's hard not to feel that way. I spend a lot of my time worried and very sad. I hate feeling worried all the time, but I can't seem to stop.
Anyway, that's what has happened so far- I really hope things work out for us, but something that bother me too is that I am afraid that I might start to "detach myself" from him to avoid getting hurt again, and then that will end up killing my feelings for him.

[talaniman]

You can't survive worrying about everything that may, or may not happen. Take one day at a time, and make the most of it.

[frozensprouts]

One more thing-

I really do miss him a lot. Even if I don't hear from him, I send him a couple of emails a day to let him know what is going on at home and to let him know that I love him and miss hm and am worried about him. My question is will this seem like I am pestering him? I don't want to do that, but the emailing a couple of times a day makes me feel a little bit closer to him.

This is all really confusing and very "illogical" to me. I hate things that don't make sense, and even our counselor has told me that his actions didn't make much sense. I just wish that people who are considering cheating on their spouse ( our counselor feels that the whole " wanting a separation thing" was because he had been having an emotional affair with this girl and wanted - maybe subconsciously- to have a physical affair with her, and that would let him do it without feeling guilty)- wouls stop and think about the hurt and pain they will cause in another person- someone who,more than likely, did nothing to deserve to be treated that way