[mbrent2009]

I've noticed for a couple of months now that my wife has been pretty distant. She's not very close to me and our sex life isn't what it was and she blames it on gaining some weight and a stressful job. It seems as if we're just living to work. We're both very involved in our careers and make good money. Within the last year, I noticed that we've been working too much [at home] so I started to curb the workload. Instead, I tried to get close to her, but she always had her laptop up.

We met 12 years ago (my early 20s) in Dallas and now live in Houston. We have been married for 7 years. We have two beautiful kids 5 and 3. Within the last couple of days, I noticed she was spending a lot more time on her cell phone texting. So, I decided to install an application on her cell phone that emails me her texting conversations - say what you want, but it was all based on my suspicion.

My suspicion was dead on - she has been texting with a guy she used to work with. It's apparent they had a relationship in the past (probably 5 years ago) and had some falling out. He now lives in a different state (Michigan) and they have since rekindled their relationship.

Innocent texting has turned into, "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I need to have sex on a daily basis", "Do you want more kids". This is all from her - and I have it all documented.

Now, she's going on a business trip which happens to be in Michigan at the end of the month. I haven't confronted her because I'm trying to collect more information. It's hurting me so much because we have such a great life. The thought of our kids not having both their parents growing up repulses me.

I don't have any proof that she's slept with him, but I'm sure when she goes to Michigan, that she will. I want to work it out with her, but I'm afraid that if I approached her before the trip that she will claim, "She never had an affair or committed adultery".

I won't put up with my wife having extra marital affairs, but I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WEEKEND FATHER. My kids are my life.

In the mean time, I'm collecting data from their text messages (both his and hers) that is quite painful. The more the days go by, the worse the messages get.

What should I do??

[N0help4u]

You really can't do much of anything right now. Talking to her will either cause her to be in denial or make her try and justify her actions. So far all she seems to be having is an emotional affair with a blast from her past.

Her trip to Michigan will probably either satisfy her curiousity of what might have been and she may come home back to normal OR she will come back more convinced that she wants to be with him in which case the messages willl probably increase and get worse.

For now all you can do is convince her that maybe 'the business' in Michigan can't be as important as staying home or let her go and take it from there when she gets back.

No matter how much you don't want a divorce you can not control her if that is what she gets dead set on.

[asking]

A. You don't need any more information. That's an excuse. Talk to her and tell her you have been spying on her, and go from there. If you wait for her to go to Michigan just so you can have more to hold over her head, then you have totally lost the high ground.

B. Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but your remark IN CAPS about being a WEEKEND FATHER really bothered me.

If you do divorce, what makes you say you would be a weekend father? You could take care of the kids half time and probably have a tighter connection with them than you do now, judging just from this one assumption on your part. Parenting isn't a weekends only occupation, nor is something you do only when the other parent is around. START spending more time ALONE with your kids NOW. They should be your first priority in all of this anyway.

[s_cianci]

I think you're going to have to put this one "up against the wall", so to speak. Try to talk her out of going to Michigan ; in fact, insist on it. If you're both "making good money" as you say, maybe you can afford to live on just your income alone. If need be, confront her with what you already have ; don't worry about waiting until you get "more." You seem to have strong convictions and personally I share your convictions. Express your convictions to her ; maybe marriage counseling is in order. Actually, just putting your foot down may get things back on track. But if she isn't willing to work on making things right then you may, unfortunately, have to call a divorce lawyer.

[N0help4u]

I think OP did mean he wants to be a full time father and not have to go through the custody/visitation battle and end up with them part time because of divorce and some court order.

[N0help4u]

I think S_cianni has a good point. You can say asap, "Honey, I think this trip to Michigan has opened my eyes to just how over worked we are. I worked out a budget where we don't need you going to Michigan.'' Then have a financial plan worked out.
Or maybe you could say that you think you both could use getting out of the state and you have been thinking how nice it would be if you both would go to Michigan and get her reaction to that.

[asking]

No reason has been given why he wouldn't get half time custody if he wanted it. It should be automatic if there isn't a reason not to.

[N0help4u]

I think he meant he wants full time with no changes. No half time or weekends but as is full time father.

[asking]

I think S_cianni has a good point. You can say asap, "Honey, I think this trip to Michigan has opened my eyes to just how over worked we are. I worked out a budget where we don't need you going to Michigan.'' Then have a financial plan worked out.
Or maybe you could say that you think you both could use getting out of the state and you have been thinking how nice it would be if you both would go to Michigan and get her reaction to that.

Why play games? We know she won't want him to come along. This is just delaying the inevitable. They need to have this out. Either they both will want to work on the marriage or they won't. The OP can't find that out until he tells her he knows how bad things have gotten and takes this out of the world of fantasy (for her) and onto the kitchen table. This is serious, real. No more games.

Also, I don't see what's gained by trying to persuade her to quit her job, which I gather you guys are suggesting. The job isn't the problem. Her infidelity and their bad marriage is the problem. (As far as I'm concerned, her not having had sex yet is a purely technical detail. She's planning to be unfaithful at the first opportunity.)

[Rich11111]

You say there are signs that they had a relationship that ended five years ago? I hate to say this but you should probably get a DNA test on your children. Especially after seeing her text "Do you want more children."

You need to confront her, but I would suggest actually waiting and seeing what this is first, you may miss your chance to actually prove that she has been unfaithful. Do you really want a wife who was prevented from having an affair only because she got caught. Or she could just take a lot more care in hiding her activities. If you reveal that you are spying on her text messages then she will prevent you from doing so ever again.

As for being a weekend father, you don't have to be, you could get shared custody or even full custody yourself.

[N0help4u]

Yep so his only alternative is to tell her he KNOWS which means he will have to admit he was spying which will push her one direction or the other before she leaves.

I didn't say quit her job. Depending what the job is she might be able to cut back hours or something.

[asking]

I think he meant he wants full time with no changes. No half time or weekends but as is full time father.

To be more clear, I'm suggesting maybe he's not full time now.

Only he can speak to this of course. But I think it's implicit in his remark. Some dads never actually spend much time one on one with their kids, are only dads when she's around to take care of the "details" or only do stuff with their kids when they feel like it, and would therefore be afraid of having full responsibility for the kids during the work week. If he is one of those dads, that would be a huge clue to why she might be unhappy in the marriage. Either way, he needs to shift some of his focus to the kids.

[asking]

I didn't say quit her job. Depending what the job is she might be able to cut back hours or something.

I don't understand the reasoning here. What would this accomplish?

[Gemini54]

Quit the game playing. You know she's intending to cheat, you have the hard evidence.

I'd confront her - she'll be mad because you spied on her, but you did it because you thought your marriage was at risk. And it is.

What's important to her? The marriage? The kids? Can this be salvaged? These are the questions you need to ask her and yourself.

I wouldn't be playing any games here - your marriage is seriously at risk and she's playing with fire by flirting with this guy.

[Jake2008]

I don't see the point in waiting to confront her.

She has had a relationship with this other man already. That was five years ago, and they have rekindled it. (I'm not convinced she hasn't seen him during the time they apparently had broken up).

This isn't something she is thinking about doing, this is something she has already done with this guy, and is on her way to Michigan to do it again.

She was unfaithful five years ago, and she is still unfaithful now.

This torture you're putting yourself through by continuing to monitor and read her text messages is not necessary in my opinion. You already know what's going on. What's the difference if you confront her and she cancels her trip anyway, you have the proof you need from her relationship with this guy that goes back many years now.

She has cheated on you, she is cheating on you, and she is going to cheat again, and you even have the date.

I would get a sitter in, and take her out and give her an opportunity to explain herself, and what she has to say about all of this. Don't accept any of the blame. YOU didn't cheat, she did.

Think ahead about what you want to do after the cards are on the table. Do you want to continue to live in the same house together, do you want her to leave? Consider your options, including speaking to an attorney before you speak to her.

Have all your ducks lined up, including good information and guidance on your biggest concerns, and that being custody and care of your children.

Be careful of reactions you may not expect. She may seem amicable about a separation for instance, but the next thing you know, your bank accounts are empty. You cannot trust her at this time, to tell the truth- about anything.

Protect yourself, be armed with professional advice, know your rights, and let her worry about the consequences of her actions.

Stay strong, if not for yourself, for your children and their future security.

[Rich11111]

I agree with Jake2008 in that you should definitely talk to a lawyer before you talk to her.
She is not the woman you think you know.