[srmk64210]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for nearly five years. The past two weeks we had a few fights that to me, seemed pretty mild. Just mild arguments.

Last Wednesday I was supposed to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family, and due to a mix up in time I didn't make it. I was bothered by this and she said I could still come after dinner, but I said I'd skip it and come over another time.

Later that night, in tears, she aid she had to break up with me, which seemed right out of the blue. Stunned, I asked why. It was difficult to make out what she was saying because she kept sobbing the whole time. All I could make out what that she said there were too many problems. Still mad about the dinner, and shocked about this, I said fine, if this is what you want.

Later, I phoned her and asked her if any of these problems could be worked out and she burst into tears again. I had trouble making out what she was saying. She kept blubbering she loved me and didn't want to lose me and she didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell her what to do, because I think she should mae up her own mind without me influencing her. But she wanted to meet the next day.

The next day we met and she cried the whole time. I said if there was anything she wanted me to work out, just tell me and maybe it could be something that could be fixed.

One thing she did say was that she had been with me for so long that she wondered if she was missing out and would regret it later on. She said that if I had been there for dinner, none of this would have happened. Just a week ago, she had said how much she wanted a future with me, and today she was breaking up with me.

I said I couldn't understand any of this. She said she wanted me to write to her, to let her know how I was doing. She asked if we ever bumped into each other again in the future, would I ever say hi to her. "Of course I would." I said.

I told her I didn't want to lose her, but she seemed to be having some sort of problem. I said if what you need is for me to let you go, then I'll do it. She thanked me and kept crying.

I took her home, but she didn't want to leave the car, because it would be the last time she would ever see or hold me. She kept clutching me. Kissing me. Crying. Finally, she got out of the car and left, but stopped after she crossed th street, and looked at me crying for about a minute, until I got out of the car and walked her to her door, where she held me once more. As I walked away, she watched in tears as I drove away.

For the life of me, I don't understand what happened. Every night for five years, she has called me just before gong to bed. Each time she has been in trouble she has called me and I have come to her. Each day she insists that I spend all my free time with her. And then suddenly, this.

What the hell happened? Anybody understand this? Should I move on? Is she coming back? I keep thinking I should move on, but I have a hard time taking this in. I don't want to move on and then find out she changed her mind.

[Scleros]

What the hell happened? Anybody understand this?

Only she knows for sure, but the typical scenario is she hasn't been feeling it for your relationship and has been unhappy for some time, but has been unsure and conflicted about how to proceed. You've been oblivious so it just seems sudden. The dinner thing was just the catalyst for action and release of her bottled up feelings, last straw so to speak.

Should I move on?

Yes. Better to move on and then have a decision to make if she comes back, than twist-in-the wind indefinitely waiting for something that may never come.

Is she coming back?

Probably not.

I don't want to move on and then find out she changed her mind.

I think it would be the rare case, but give it a few weeks to let the emotional dust settle. Meanwhile, be scarce and read the sticky and other posts in this forum.

[srmk64210]

Normaly I would say that would be the case. But she insist that I spend every free minute with her.

For example, once she knew I had the day off for that diner, she nagged me and nagged me to come to it. Every night she would phone me, and talk for at least an hour. And what's more, she cried so much during the whole thing that you would think I was leaving her.

If she hadn't been feeling it for a while, I just help but think she would have been more distant before this happened.

[PeruvianBlaze]

Something like this happened to me as well. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me out of nowhere. The day before we had even watched a movie and was talking to me about getting married with me and all that kind of stuff. I hate how it happened. It was out of nowhere. Just move on and heal yourself. Like Scleros said, its better to move on and then make a decision about getting back together down the road than waiting for her or hoping that she comes back when she might not. Some girls are just too unpredictable to know. Move on man. Its been a month for me...

[Triysle]

Sounds to me like she got bored. That's not a dig on you, but frankly the whole "missing out" comment is a major red flag.

You didn't mention how old you two are, but if you're in the younger range (high school/college) she's probably wondering what else is out there. It's a tough situation, but speaking as someone who has been on both ends of that conversation I think your best bet is to give her as much space as you can.

Obviously you still care about her, but right now she is confused about what she wants. You need to show her that you have your own life and respect yourself. Stop being there for her at every opportunity. Make her want you around. If she calls, let the voicemail get it. If she texts, wait a little while to respond.

Maybe it sounds manipulative, but you need to make your life your own again. You sound like the kind of guy who would drop everything to be there for your girl. That's admirable, but in this day and age it's guys like you that get manipulated and used.

Get your life back on track and focus on the things that make you happy. Never initiate contact with her again; let her come to you when she is ready. If she really wants you back, let her decide that for herself. Meanwhile, move on and find happiness on your own.

[srmk64210]

She's 21 now, and I'm 26.

I'm not very dependent on her. It's completely the other way around. She's always needed me for everything. At every family event she would want me there with her. She went away on vacation to Mexico with her family and phoned me long distance every day, and cried when she saw me again. She can't stand not seeing me for more than five days. She always cries inconsolably when we part for any period.

That's the shocker. The girl that can't go without me for a few days and phones me every night, says she's breaking up with me.

And I told her there can be absolutely no contact between us. She can't phone or text or e-mail, and if she does I won't answer. She's clear on that.

[amicon]

You said the right thing no contact.thats for you to start finding your feet again.she s very young.find your own life and leave her to sort out hers.

[Triysle]

Good for you. Just so I'm clear, you started dating when you were 21, and she was 16?

I don't know your life situations, but generally speaking you might want to try closer to your age when you're still in the teens and twenties. Those are the formative years where we find our independence. If you were dating, and as devoted to her as you sound, then she never learned how to live on her own.

No offense, but I think it was kind of doomed from the start =/

~ Tee

[srmk64210]

I think you make a good point. I would often tell her this when we first started going out, but she would point out that her parents where the same age when they started going out, and then got married.

She would throw that in my face all the time when telling me how possible it was for us to get married.

The thing is, I just can't fathom someone for YEARS being all over me, being with me at every opportunity, bawling her eyes out at the break up, calling me EVERY day, suddenly leaving me.

[amicon]

We can never even begin to understand what goes on in somebody else's mind or what they feel.actions speak louder than words.try to let go.

[srmk64210]

I just got word her parents had been dropping heavy hints to break up with me.


I just got word from a girl who's friends with her cousin. She said her parents were leaning on her to break up with me.

[amicon]

This may or may not be true. But its not helpful to speculate.you yourself need some space here.take time out.

[Triysle]

I just got word her parents had been dropping heavy hints to break up with me.

Doesn't matter. She made the choice. She decided to break up with you, without explanation, without any consideration for your feelings, and without any respect for your emotions.

You need to stop for a second and realize that she was not as amazing as you thought. You learn more about someone when you break up with them than you do throughout an entire relationship sometimes. She showed her true colors, and now you need to pick yourself up, stop analyzing the situation so much, and accept things for the way they are.

Read my signature. It definitely applies here. Don't bear any grudges, don't get hung up on all the details. Just accept that you cannot control anything other than your own actions, and take back your own life.

~ Tee

[sully123]

Leave her be for right now. She is young. There is a big difference between 21 and 26. Sounds too me she is afraid of losing you and in the other hand wanting to see what's out there. She might think she is missing out. As you said her parents might be saying to her, don't stay with just one person right now. Leave your options open. She has to sort this out herself. Offer your friendship, and give her the space she needs right now. It might work out and it she could just move on. Let it be for right now. Enjoy your time as hard as it is... and take it from there.

[talaniman]

The thing is, I just can't fathom someone for YEARS being all over me, being with me at every opportunity, bawling her eyes out at the break up, calling me EVERY day, suddenly leaving me.

You ever think she isn't happy with herself or her life because it depends so much on you?

You have ignored many red flags that have led to this break up, and you still don't see them. Your girl has grown up, and changed a lot, but she doesn't know, or is afraid of life by herself, because your all she knows, but you have disappointed her a lot with every chance you get. That happens with young folks, and the missed dinner was only the straw that broke the camels back.

You both need some time apart, and time to explore yourselves without each others influence, so when the emotional dust settles, you can deal with reality, and not just being so use to each other you have no lives but with each other. Its part of growing and learning, so let go for both your sakes. She NEEDS it more than you do, so give it to her. It will hurt like heck, but the best thing in the long run.

I am not surprised this relationship of 5 years is over as it sure wasn't going any were. Neither of you was growing, or have grown beyond, each other, and that's never healthy.

[srmk64210]

You ever think she isn't happy with herself or her life because it depends so much on you?

You have ignored many red flags that have led to this break up, and you still don't see them. Your girl has grown up, and changed a lot, but she doesn't know, or is afraid of life by herself, because your all she knows, but you have disappointed her a lot with every chance you get. That happens with young folks, and the missed dinner was only the straw that broke the camels back.

The missed dinner was her mistake, which she apologized for. She gave the wrong time.

This morning cousin has just said that her parents didn't like the idea that she has spent so much time with one person and not been with anyone else, and although they were fine with us dating for a while, after five years they think she should move on, before it gets anymore serious. We had been talking about marriage and this had alarmed them. They feel if she marries so young she may regret it later in life. She said she had been crying constantly and not eating, and very depressed.

I am not surprised this relationship of 5 years is over as it sure wasn't going any were.

I'm glad you know us so well to be able to conclude our relationship of five years was going no where. One red flag for me would be someone making such grand sweeping judgements of five years based on a few paragraphs.

She text me a while ago to say I could get her back, but she's in the place between her parents and me, and she's feeling very unsure. She says she doesn't know what to do. I don't want to add more stress to her, so I let it go and did nothing.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. I don't want to put her against her parents. On the other hand, I don't want to lose her. Part of me wants to tell her to forget all about them and just come live with me and her parents will just have to live with it. Another part says that's only going to open a whole new can of worms. I'm working on my masters in Psych. I couldn't support us both.

It floors me two people deeply in love can't be together.

[talaniman]

If 5 years with you hasn't made her take the leap of faith, what do you think will? She can't choose, and what do you offer her parents don't?

[srmk64210]

How much faith can you expect a 21 year old to have? Five wonderful years is no guarantee of another 50 years of bliss. Even I can see that. Personally, I would never suddenly put an all or nothing life changing decision on someone if they weren't ready for it yet.

The only thing I can offer her that her parents don't, is me.

[talaniman]

You can't live off love, when the rent is due.

[The Captain]

She's 21 now, and I'm 26.

I'm not very dependant on her. It's completely the other way around. She's always needed me for everything. At every family event she would want me there with her. She went away on vacation to Mexico with her family and phoned me long distance every day, and cried when she saw me again. She can't stand not seeing me for more than five days. She always cries inconsolably when we part for any period of time.

That's the shocker. The girl that can't go without me for a few days and phones me every night, says she's breaking up with me.

And I told her there can be absolutely no contact between us. She can't phone or text or e-mail, and if she does I won't answer. She's clear on that.

Mate - you are very brave... I am in a similar situation... though we have been together for 3 years and had problems in the last 6 months (caused by me)... I suggested a break-up, she cried... I regretted it and came back and then on the phone she told me she does not want to try again... to cut a long story short, she is back in London... we talk, she wants to see me, she wants to try and come back, but is not ready etc... I'm hanging in there... the reason I am NOT doing NC is because, I was the cause of the issues, and I know I can work on myself... I want her back and she is considering it... but she says that something inside has changed for her etc... but thinks she will come back in time... anyhow... I'm happy to see her like I am, provided she takes the time to think and not to go out looking to meet others...
Perhaps she will say, I don't think I can come back, and then I will start the NC... just can't do it right now... taking my mums advice for a change...