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chi_gal29 · Feb 22, 2008, 05:50 AM

I am hoping I can get some assistance on my problem. :(
My boyfriend broke up with my a little more then two weeks ago. Here is what happened. I was travelling for work and he sends me a text message on feb 6th in the morning he needs to talk about something important. I call him back right away and he told me this relationship isn't working. We argue and fight a lot and don't discuss our problems, our families are different and he just doesn't think it's working. I was in complete shock and I was just getting ready for work and didn't really know how to take the news. I told him thanks for a wonderful good morning and hung up on him. I tried to call him back and he send me few mean text messages to leave him alone and not to contact him anymore, it's over and nothing can be done. Since that wed I had realized some of my faults in the relationship which I probably wouldn't have if we didn't break up and I decided to email him on Sunday and I did and he called me back an hour later we talked we had a good discussion and he agrees with everything that I wrote and needed some time to think about everything. Unfortunately I couldn't wait so I decided to send another email that was my mistake and I got a text message back from him saying please don't contact him at all for few weeks he needs time to think about everything and he's going away for a while so just to leave him alone. Since all this happened it's been a little over two weeks, He broke up with me one week before our one year anniversary and valentine day and I haven't heard from him at all. My friends and family are excellent support system and tell me I've done everything I could and he's the one that broke it off with you and you need to try and move on. But it's so much easier said then done he had told me so many times he loves me and can't wait to make me his wife I was supposed to go down to see him that Friday and he broke up with me two days before. The weird things is we didn't have any fights, he would talk normally with me it just felt like it came out of the blue. :eek:
And took me by a complete shock. I could understand if we had a fight or something. The only thing I know he had some discussions with his parents about me and I don't know if they had some influence or if his friends but this is just so weird and I can't make sense of it. Can someone please help :( I know life will go on but I love and care about him so much and I just don't know what to do anymore.

FallenFromGrace · Feb 22, 2008, 05:56 AM

Just because life will go on doesn't mean you can't be upset about the break-up. That said, it sounds like he is very serious about the fact that he doesn't want to be together anymore, whatever his reasons may be. This might be a good time to do some things for yourself. As cliché as it sounds, if the relationship doesn't work, it wasn't meant to be. Besides, who wants to be with a man that could be easily influenced to break up with you, if that's the reason. You're better than that.

chi_gal29 · Feb 22, 2008, 08:07 AM

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah I know what your saying and everyone has been telling me the same thing. It just sucks that I really do love this guy and for him to just end it with out any sort of explanation really hurts. How do you just wake up one day and decide I don't want to be with you any more? It's mind boggling to me. I just feel that I will never get my closer and will always have these questions going on in my head. I hope that I can overcome this. In one way I'm very furious at him for doing this and in one way I'm sad because I miss him a lot and I just want us to be together. We both wanted to be together for the long run and I just don't understand why he would take such a decision.

susangpyp · Feb 22, 2008, 09:09 AM

I don't think you do wake up one day and decide this. I think it percolates for a while and that people are either not honest with themselves or not honest with their partners. Sometimes they just think it will go away and then one day the day of reckoning comes along and they just can't go on anymore. He sounds like he has good reasons for the decision. You argue and fight a lot and there are family issues. He is deciding for himself that this isn't what he wants. You both deserve more and better.

It's hard and it hurts. Do your grief work while being good to yourself and you will come out on the other side. Look at your arguments and what they were all about. What are they telling you about you? About the people you pick? About your issues? Take this time to learn from this experience and do better next time.

You deserve better than this ending but it is what it is. You can miss him and grieve him and move on at the same time. Use this breakup as a time to learn more about you and healing some of the stuff that needs to be healed.

You can do this.

chi_gal29 · Feb 22, 2008, 09:33 AM

Thanks Susan, yeah we did have our share of fights and arguments but we did have a lot of good times and it's not like I didn't acknowledge the problems and I did tell him we need to be able to do better. We should communicate properly with each other every time he says something to me it always felt like he was putting me down and it felt as if I was never good enough for me. I guess I would've liked to work on our issues and really try to make it work.
Relationships are never easy and you are two different people and two different personalties and you have to try and compromise and work together. It just felt as if when it got tough he decided to quit w/o even trying to make it work. I know I can't really force him and I don't want to force him to do anything but if he felt as strongly as he did about me then I would've thought he would've taken the extra step to make it work. I guess there is nothing more I can do at this point but just try and let go and move on :(

susangpyp · Feb 22, 2008, 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by chi_gal29

Thanks Susan, yeah we did have our share of fights and arguments but we did have a lot of good times and it's not like I didn't acknowledge the problems and I did tell him we need to be able to do better. We should communicate properly with each other everytime he says something to me it always felt like he was putting me down and it felt as if I was never good enough for me. I guess I would've liked to work on our issues and really try to make it work.
Relationships are never easy and you are two different people and two different personalties and you have to try and compromise and work together. It just felt as if when it got tough he decided to quit w/o even trying to make it work. I know I can't really force him and I don't want to force him to do anything but if he felt as strongly as he did about me then I would've thought he would've taken the extra step to make it work. I guess there is nothing more I can do at this point but just try and let go and move on :(

You can get over it. Really you can. We all deserve to be with people who will commit to us and work on things if they get tough. Sometimes one person thinks a relationship is beyond repair or they just don't WANT TO do the work... and you don't want to be with that person.

I know it hurts and it's hard... but you deserve so much better than this. Be good to you!!

chi_gal29 · Feb 22, 2008, 09:44 AM

Is there anything I can do at this point or is this relationship completely done? I feel like because he told me he needed few weeks to think about everything he might come back but hope is diwndling. Any feedback I receive is helping me so thank you

susangpyp · Feb 22, 2008, 09:49 AM

At this point I would look HARD at him and the relationship. He has not acted like a loving person toward you. He only seemed to want to talk to you after you copped to some faults. His behavior is not nice at all. I would concentrate on you and what you want out of life and if you want to be with someone who handles things in this immature fashion.

BMI · Feb 22, 2008, 10:27 AM

Couple of points here.

First off, this stuff about you've realized what YOU did wrong after he broke up with you. Nonsense. That's just a way to try and get him back because now you know why he left you (you tell yourself). Also, I do agree with the previous poster mentioning tat he did not wake up one morn and decide its over, he thought about this for awhile.

Indicating that he broke up with you how ever many days before your anniversary and valentines day is irrelevant, would you feel better if he had done it March 8th? OrJune 22nd? No you wouldn't, so who cares about when it happened. Lastly, you writing that he needed space and maybe in 2 weeks you could come back or try something is abig,big mistake. The reality is that he told you to leave him alone, why would you keep after someone who has told you to leave them alone?

I know I probably sound harsh, but it is important to understand that you are not yourself right now and that you may well do things you'll come to regret later because of that fact. Most sell themselves verrrrrrryyyy short after a break-up and as time passes you wonder why the heck you did what you did (I did it, I felt foolish,I know better now). Skip the first two steps and go straight to the third (know better). Don't call, don't do anything, lean on the support you have at home and on this site and in due time you'll be giving this very same advice:)

Good luck.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 22, 2008, 10:36 AM

There is nothing you can do in this case but leave him alone. The way he handled this whole break up sounds a little suspect to me. Ole dude may have found someone else, but regardless, leave him alone.
If there were problems of your making, learn from your mistakes so you will be an even better person for someone else.
I wish you the best.

talaniman · Feb 22, 2008, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by chi_gal29

Is there anything I can do at this point or is this relationship completely done? I feel like because he told me he needed few weeks to think about everything he might come back but hope is diwndling. Any feedback I receive is helping me so thank you

After breaking up with you all of a sudden, over the phone no less, you still want him back? Heal young lady, so you can see him for what he is, and know, after all the love he desrespected you, and the relationship, and still has you on emotional hold, hoping he changes his mind. Your still in shock though, so give yourself a chance to let this sink in, so you can cope with the reality of the situation, cause right now you aren't seeing straight at all. Good thing you have a smart family behind you, and came to the right place for feedback. I would be sorry for your loss, but I think this will be a good thing for you.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 22, 2008, 10:51 AM

I agree with talaniman.
A person who would break up with you over the phone is IMO not worth grieving over. I know this hurts now, but look at it as a blessing in disguise.

chi_gal29 · Feb 22, 2008, 12:27 PM

That is what I keep telling myself in someways it does feel like a blessing in disguise because of what he did. He told me he loves me and he felt as if he found his better half and can't wait for him to make me his wife etc.. And yet he didn't even have the decency to tell me this in person and rather does it over the phone. In someways it just gets me so mad but my heart is just being stupid at times and can't forget I genuinely did love and care for this man.
Well I'm on my way to san fran to get away from all this drama in my life and get some fresh air. I will let you guys know how imdoing thank you for all your support.

chi_gal29 · Feb 25, 2008, 09:10 AM

Ok so I'm back from my weekend from san fran and it was def nice to get away and hang out with my girl friend. However I did something I know I shouldn't have. On Saturday we went to Napa and had a little too much wine and I was buzzing pretty good so I drunk dialed him and left him a voice mail. I didn't hear back from him at all and randomly yesterday when I was at the airport he texted me telling me he is in London still and he will be back in the states mid next week and will call me then hope all is well.
I know if I was sober I would've never contacted him. I feel like things just keep getting worst and worst. I decided from my trip I was going to move on and give myself the closure I need. If he calls should I talk to him? Do I want to get hurt again? I have this strange feeling he went to London to see another girl, I don't know for sure but I don't know anyone that randomly decides to pack their things and go to london after a break up. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I was just getting to a good place and then I had to drunk call him and now a whole another drama is unfolding. I just don't know what to do.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 25, 2008, 09:51 AM

If he cals you say "hello/goodbye" and continue to move on. Let this guy go

tianame · Sep 10, 2012, 08:00 AM

I know this is hard for you but I am going through a similar situation . One thing's for sure.. guys are unpredictable.I mean at least from my opinion. One day he loves u the most and d next day he's very cold to you. Find out if its another woman involve or just friends giving him wrong advices. In my case my boyfriend who promised to marry me is now in the hope of getting back with his ex. So be careful with d promises you hear from them because they don't value their words... I feel sorry for you but don't act desperate. If he's meant to be he wll be back to you... and this time forever.