[frozensprouts]

I re-read your response, Orphan, and he doesn't seem open to any kind of physical contact with me at all- he says it feels wrong.

[Heartbroken1968]

OMG it sounds like I am reading my own life! My husband has just told me the same thing. We have been together for 12 years and married for 10. We have 3 little girls and my youngest has a terminal illness! What I wouldn't give to talk to you on the phone!

Heartbroken in Florida!

[frozensprouts]

It's horrible, isn't it. My husband came home from barracks today, took a bath, ate the supper I made, and went to his " room' downstairs. I think he is asleep. Without wanting to sound melodramatic ( but I know I will), right now it feels as if he has just completely drained away all my energy, and I don't see how I will ever be happy again. I know I have to be patient, but this is killing me.
I don't know what to do to try and reach him. Sometimes it seems as if I am, but a lot of the time it's as if he has already shut himself off from me and I don't know what to do.

[frozensprouts]

Heartbroken 1968,
It sounds like we are going through very similar situations. F I am online on here, please instant message me- it would be nice to "chat' with someone who knows what I am going through.

[frozensprouts]

Hello
My husband and I just very recently separated. We are still living in the same house( he's in the basement and I am in the upstairs with our kids) . I want to try and fins some way to reconnect with him, but right now he just seems so angry and unreachable. He has told me things like " I love you but I am not in love with you", etc. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling with me, but , if I were to base the possibility of success on the way he's acting right now, I'd have to say I;m not very optimistic. Can anyone who has been in a similar situation give me some advice on how they got through this? How is it possible to reconnect with someone who doesn't seem to want to?
Thanks!

[N0help4u]

From your other posts I would say that he is not happy but he is doing what he has to with the conditions you gave him.
You can't force him to love you. You can't force him to make it work. Right now he has to be having a lot of resentment and even placing the blame on you even though he was the one that was cheating.

I really don't know what you can do but what you need to avoid is nagging and arguing.

[frozensprouts]

I found out what at least part of his problem was today. He asked if we could go over the budget for this month, which is fine, but we are already half way through the first two weeks of the month, so payday is only a week away. I reminded him that we have to have enough money available to drive our daughter out of the area for a medical appointment, and he made some remark about how " I get it, there'll be less money, what else is new". Mentioning my daughter's medical appointment reminded me to call to see of our insurance claim for her autism therapy was approved. It was not, and I told him that. A few minutes later he came upstairs and said "please don't do that again. Telling me that the claim didn't get approved so now there'll be even less for the month.". Then he stormed out of the room. This is really begiing to drive me crazy. I know he had a long day, and was probably tired, but I am not happy about being someone who he feels he can "dump on" like that. I'm trying to be supportive and empathetic, and I told him that I didn't mean it that way and I was sorry if that's what it seemed like, but he seems to be getting more and more resentful of the fact that two of our kids have autsim and other health issues, which means there are extra expenses so there isn't as much money left over every month for "fun stuff".
I understand what you mean about not nagging, and I am really trying not to. Right now, the only "around the house" thing that I have asked him to do is to drive me and our kids to my daughter's medical appointment ( I can't drive, due to bad vision), but I haven't asked for help with the housework, cooking, etc. and I am still doing most of his laundry and cooking his meals, as well as looking after the kids, cleaning, etc. He starts leave tomorrow, so he'll be home all day.

I'm really sorry to be "dumping my problems" like this on a bunch of total strangers. But I hope that someone may read this and be able to offer some help- including constructive critisim.

[N0help4u]

Try doing extra little things to make him feel appreciated like a card with a heart that says I love you or little things like that. Do you have somebody that can watch the kids? Maybe you could get them to watch them then cook his favorite dinner and have candles and a movie.

I know guys don't like hearing about money problems and it can make them feel like they aren't doing good enough if they aren't providing enough.

Here are a couple things I drew you can use them if you want

[zippit]

I know its hard for you but you really should pull back from doing things for him
Cooking
Laundry
For his own good he needs to see what its like if/when he loses you
And it wouldn't be wrong for him to sit with the kids while you get out for awhile
You have to show him a different you so he see the decisions he's making are having a effect
And cleaning and painting etc. are good to keep busy but he needs to see more of a difference

[Stringer]

The card idea worked for me, I know that in my first marriage when she wrote me a letter/card telling me what she felt and what she wanted it helped (for a while anyway). A letter can be read in private and allows time to think about what is being said and what is felt.

Remember that guys can't take a lot of emotion and stress for a long period in one sitting or constantly talk about how they really deeply feel, we are 'wired' differently. We need to deal with it in short 'spurts'. It's not like sitting down with a girlfriend and discussing it for hours, we overload emotionally.

After he reads it, simply ask him to think about what you have said and when he is ready, possibly he can sit and talk about it.

A letter allows time to sit down and really understand what is being said.

Good luck,

Stringer

[zippit]

Yea umm frozen you have a very similar thread running already
It kind of unfair to members to ask this question that don't know the WHOLE story

[Curlyben]

>Threads merged<

[frozensprouts]

Thanks for merging the threads. I am kind of new to using interenet forums, and I will readily admit that I am feeling kind of desperate for any help or advice right now. If I have confused anyone I apologize.
I just wish I knew what to do to make things better. I am not looking for any "quick fix miracles", but even some small sign that things are moving in the right direction would be nice.

[0rphan]

I re-read your response, Orphan, and he doesn't seem open to any kind of physical contact with me at all- he says it feels wrong.

Hi frozen,

At this moment it is to early for the touchy feely thing to work, give it time.

I can see there are all kinds of things going on here, money issues, the kids, always being to tired for anything.

The moment anything to do with money comes up, he seems to loose it ( extra pressure) it wouldn't matter what you asked of him, anything would be a strain, not to mention how guilty he is feeling, epecially if you are being kind and considerate.
He would much rather you were being angry , he could handle that, it would add to his excuses of why it won't work, plus leave him feeling less guilt.

The fact that you still do things for him, can work both ways, after a hard day even though he may not say so, he 's really thankfull that a meal is ready and so on,on the flip side if he came home totally worn out and he then had to throw something together to eat, maybe iron a shirt etc. then he just might think,blow it I might as well live on my own.

I know part of you really wants to say... push off , but a bigger part wants to say... please stay.
At least while he's there you can still keep trying.

I feel this women has turned his head, does he still see her at work each day? I'm presuming he does, I want to tell you to go and see her, take some moral support and warn her off, but I think that would push him away, however it may come to that eventually.
The sad thing is she doesn't really want him, it's just her latest toy for a while until someone better comes her way... but he won't see that until it's to late.

Hopefully she's not being deployed with him. Clear thinking is needed, she most definitely should not be texting or emailing him, it's just adding fuel to the fire, if it continues you really will have to go and see her, hopefully without him knowing and with a witness.

To him I think he is seeing a relationship with no ties or worries, this is not reality, the grass is not greener on the other side.

Despite what has happened I think he's probably a decent guy and actually despizes himself, and is full of guilt for letting you and the kids down, something that he would never normally do, he says things have not been right for 3 months, I wonder if that was when this woman made a play for him!! OK he could have said no,but put it on a plate for any guy, on a regular basis, eventually they'll give in.

I think you have to stay strong keep doing the nice thing, quietly offer to lend him a listening ear even if he wants to talk about this woman ( grit your teeth )the moment has to be right though, maybe when the kids are gone to bed or perhaps they are staying with a relative over-night. If it's still early he will know that you are sat watching TV or what ever on your own, he might just be tempted to come and sit a while... see how it goes, what ever you do don't force the issue.

Takecare

[frozensprouts]

Good advice Orphan
Right now it's like he's pulling teeth to be anywhere near me. It's incredibly difficult to live like this- the only thing he seems to come upstairs to do is to use the computer. Last week, he would at least ask me if I wanted to go downstairs and talk, now, he isn't even doing that. I am really starting to wonder if he resents the fact that I made him stop seeing that girl ( she keeps messaging him of facebook- he does tell me, but makes a big point of showing that he's not answering her).
I can only hope that our first counseling session goes well- but with the way he seems to be right now, I don't know if he'd go with an open mind or not.

[zippit]

Hey frozen

I stayed away from talking about this other girl but since you brought her up again
Is there a chance they are a item and that's what this whole ordeal is about?

[frozensprouts]

I honestly don't know. He has been home, in the room he made up for himself in the basement, and hasn't gone out very much except to go to work. The problem is that he works with her, so once his leave is over he'll end up seeing her again anyway, and he says they are still "good friends" ( he says that all they were was "good friends", at least until two or three days after he said he wanted to separate)

[frozensprouts]

( sorry, I got cut off)
He has also told me that this girl wasn't the problem, that he didn't go out looking to meet someone, and that they had both talked about it with each other and, even though they knew it was wrong, they decided they wanted to start a romantic relationship anyway ( he told me that it was okay as he didn't think there was any chance we'd get back together).
I am starting to think that I did the wrong thing is asking him to stop seeing her-he'll just end up resenting me for it, and maybe if their relationship had run it's course, then maybe he would have seen her for what she is ( she has done this sort of thing before with other bosses that she has had).
Right now, it's as if he hates me, and is just tolerating me being here because he has to. I don't know, maybe I should just give up, as feeling this way is really horrible, and I wonder if I am just wasting my time ( the one good thing is that we had to sit down and work on a budget together for the month, which he never really helped with before. Maybe now he'll see that I was telling the truth when I told him that there really wasn't any extra money in the "piggy bank"). He just seems to want to be alone, holed up in the room he made up for himself downstarirs, and he is working on getting a computer with internet access up and running, which means I'll probably never see him at all now unless I go to put in a load of wash ( or for supper)
The funny thing is that our oldest daughter was having trouble with a neighborhood bully, and we were trying to talk with her to make her feel better, and he told her that she needs to let go of the bad things and focus on what's good- if only he'd take his own advice, maybe we wouldn't be where we are right now.

[0rphan]

Hi frozen,

What ever way you look at the situation he still has to maintain the children, until they leave education etc. so his money situation will not get better if the worse comes to the worse, not to mention probably you as well.

The fact that he see's this woman at work is a main problem, it's like constantly dangling a cream cake in front of a person who weighs 25 stone and must loose weight.

I'm beginning to think maybe you should have had a quiet word with a superior, who maybe could get her moved to a different location.

Any progress no matter how small that might have been made at home, is being blotted out the moment he goes to work, it's no wander everything is a strain, she is the root of all of this.

Friends... I am so sorry frozen but I don't believe that for one second, she's got her claws into him, and filled his head with all kinds of suggestions.

Perhaps you should take a different tactic if things go on as they are, something as to give, there is too much pressure for all of you.

I think you should suggest learning to drive, also ask him what nights he is available for baby sitting (after all they are his children) say you feel the need to go out with the girls or a friend, what ever comes to mind, casually adding that," it seems that i'm going to be a single woman again, so i thought i might as well get used to it", and leave it at that.

If it doesn't do anything else it may make him think of you being with another man.I know this sounds harsh but I think you have to fight fire with fire right now. Just the thought of other men being atracted to you, just might make him realise what he could loose.

Obviously frozen it's up to you if you choose to try this,I just think that at the moment, this women is holding all the aces, you need to give a dose of your own... after all he goes out.

Take care

[frozensprouts]

I would love to do that. Maybe I will. He is till hiding out downstairs, and when I said to him that if we want to work on things we will have to try and do some things together, he got angry at me and said that I was being critical. I didn't think that I was, so I apologized and told him that this " in house separation" is really hard for me, but I am trying to give him space, etc. . He told me that he has never really been on his own, and right now that's what he wants. But I don't know if I am to take from that that he wants to stop trying or what. As far as I know, he will still be going to counseling with me on Monday afternoon, but right now, I have to wonder how much effort he will be willing to put into things.