[frozensprouts]

Hi
My husband I just became separated after 12 years of being married. We have three children, two of whom have autistic spectrum disorder. He is in the army, and away a fair amount of time. A few weeks ago, he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me that he used to, that he hasn't in a long time, and that he wanted to separate. This came as a big shock to me. He started staying at a friends house ( she works under him in his shop) , but he told me it was just "platonic'. About a week alter, I found out that a few days after we separated, he started having romantic feelings for her ( which he says he no longer has for me) and they started a relationship. I freaked when i found that out, and told him that he had a choice: either stay and try and work things out, or he could leave and keep seeing her, and I would inform the chain of command where he works about their "relationship". If it comes out that they had been seeing each other, he could get fined, demoted, lose his job, etc. as she is at a lower rank than he is and he is her supervisor. He told me they had been friends for about three months, and his lack of feeling for me has nothing to do with her, but instead with a whole bunch of other issues. He told me that I was too controlling, there is never enough money, I'm tired all the time, we never do anything f together, my hair looks bad, etc. He also told me that he has a lot of fun when we are together, but it's more like we are just "friends". He has made up a room for himself in the basement, and has agreed to go to counseling. He told me that he is willing to work on things, but he is afraid ( very afraid) that the "romantic feelings" for me won't come back. He is due to be deployed in the first week of november for six months, and he thinks he will still feel this way when he leaves.
I have really been thrown by all of this. He promised not to have any contact with this girl, but he still is ( she sent him a facebook instant message that started with " I have a confession to make". He didn't respond, but now he says he really wants to know what it is). I am also really worried that he has convinced himself that his feelings can't change, and so he won't really try. I have listened to all his issues, and tried my best to make the changes he requested, but he says he still feels nothing for me but "friendship". I tried to tell him that if things don't work out, I most likely won't want to have anything to do with him, and that did seem to surprise him a bit, but I don't know if it bothered him. He tells me he feels really sad that this has happened, and that he didn't want to hurt me.
Help! All input appreciated!

[Just Dahlia]

How old are you guys? And is this girl getting deployed with him?

[frozensprouts]

He and I are both 37. He won't be getting deployed with her. He has told me that their relationship wasn't the cause of their problems, but more a symptom of them, and that they didn't start the romantic relationship until he thought there was no way we would be able to work things out.

I don't mean to sound melodramatic or anything, but this whole thing is making me feel physically ill. I can't eat, and have lost 20 lbs so far ( maybe not such a bad thing, eh?- ha ha). I am sad all the time, and when he sees that, he keeps asking me if I am sure we are doing the right thing by trying to work things out. II have tried to do things for myself, and have talked a lot to counselors, the base duty padre, friends, my family, etc. but I still feel miserable.

[zippit]

Your in a tight spot because of the deployment coming up,I really think you should hold off from anything drastic.
I'm military ignorant can you delay a deployment for family crisis?

[frozensprouts]

Pretty much the only way to opt out of a deployment is to tell the CFMHP personnel that I don't think he is mentally ready to be deployed ( they call the deployed person's spouse and ask them that as part of the DAG process). Because the deployment is to a dangerous area ( Afghanistan), they need to know if he is mentally ready to be deployed. I'm kind of torn about that, as if he doesn't deploy, he will be letting his unit down, and if he does deploy and he isn't ready, and something happens to him or his patrol partners, I would feel awful. It's kind of a lot to ask one person to decide the fate of so many others, while we have issues of our own to deal with.
( I am sorry for all the acronyms- it's part of the military, I guess. Personally, I am a member of the C>R>A>P> committee ( Committee to Resist Acronym Proliferation)

Has anyone ever heard of a situation like mine before ( the whole " I love you but I am not in love with you" part?) If so, what was the outcome? I know every situation is different, but am I wrong to be holding out hope?

[Gemini54]

He's being deployed to Afghanistan, so I would most certainly hold off on allowing that to happen. It's an extremely dangerous region, as you well know, and people working there need to have their wits totally about them.

If your husband still genuinely loves you then there is hope. But, it depends if he's saying this truthfully, or just saying it so that you don't feel hurt. As you so rightly say, if he's not interested in reconciliation then nothing will being the 'in love' feeling back.

Having said that I would suggest that it's really important for you both to see a counselor who can help you tease out what has happened. Clearly it has taken some time to create this situation, so you making changes over a couple of weeks isn't going to make things right immediately.

You both need to understand what has happened and to talk about what 'love' means to both of you. Many people love each other but don't have that 'in love' feeling any more. It doesn't make a difference to their relationship because they understand that we often drift in and out of being 'in love' depending what is happening.

It's actually not the love that is the issue in your marriage but the commitment to it. At this stage, I'd be putting your marriage as the priority not the deployment. Six months is a long time to be away and will create even more distance between you.

[frozensprouts]

You make some good point Gemini54,
He keeps telling me that he still really cares about me, could never hate me, hates that he is hurting me, etc. When I asked him what it was that he felt was missing, he told me that he couldn't explain it, just that " it wasn't there anymore". My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and I know from watching them that there are times that the "romance" may not be there, and that it does ebb and flow, but my husband doesn't seem to believe that. It's as if the "romantic" feelings aren't there right now, and he thinks they never could be again. But even though he says that he has been feeling this way for a long time, he has done a darned good job of covering it up, and never told me anything about it. So I have really only known he felt this way for about three weeks, and he keeps telling me that since these feelings aren't there now, they never will be again.

[jakester]

frozensprouts -

First off, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. It's truly tragic, to say the least.

Having served in the Marines for 6 years, I know firsthand how challenging it is to be in the military on deployment... it's an entirely different dimension when you add a marriage into the mix.

I think what's most challenging in all of this discussion is that we are only hearing your side of the situation. It's really difficult for any of us to really give you a balanced perspective without hearing your husband's side of the situation. At any rate, the fact that your marriage is in such dire straits on the eve of your husband's deployment is an incredible challenge to working your issues out. It sounds like your husband is on the fence with where he's at and what he wants to do.

Your situation is not unique. The idea that your husband loves you but is not in love with you is one of the most common and yet tragic lines anyone could give someone. It means that some part of his heart feels compassion for you but he would rather be with someone else. It could be that he has convinced himself that this other girl has what he is looking for. He's pointing out flaws in you that seem superficial but he isn't really being honest about what really bothers him. Most men at some point probably evaluate their marriage and feel some doubt about their decision... if only I had held out for the other girl, they may think. But love is a commitment and the real weight of that commitment is tested when hard times come. Your husband has given in to those thoughts instead of confronting your issues head on and working on them.

There's really only one thing you can do. You have to decide what you are willing to do to keep your marriage. You should go to counseling with your husband and make yourself available to him in that way. However, you must be prepared for the worst. If he is cheating on you, you must have dignity for yourself and not allow that. You must decide what you are willing to put up with but if he is cheating and being dishonest, you may have to reevaluate your marriage.

There is no easy answer here; I hope you realize that. We are only hearing one side of this whole issue and it is unfair to not hear your husband's side of the story.

I wish you all the best.

[Jake2008]

This is an unusual situation, and while I can empathize with you, having to face such a daunting future with so many unknowns, I have a few ideas and thoughts on this.

First of all, he was forced to move home with you, under threat by you, to report him having an affair with a subordinate. Had you not had that leveredge, he would likely have stayed where he was. I'm not sure if that was a good move or not, but, at least you got his attention.

I don't see that he has a 'mental illness'. Despite him being deployed, I think that you should both get into counselling at least to set some groundwork, in the 8 weeks or so before he goes. There is time to address some basic issues.

I think it would be a good idea to come to some mutually agreeable terms in order to facilitate major decision making upon his return. Those things may include him not contacting his 'friend', you promising not to threaten him with reporting him, and mutual agreement upon keeping the marital problems out of the realm of friends and family.

The two of you need to focus on each other, and your marriage, without having influence from people who may not exactly be objective.

You also have three children to consider here, and at the moment you sound lost, depressed, and confused. If you could both speak to an impartial third party and at least clear the air and have an honest talk about your futures together, you would feel better Im sure. Maybe agree to disagree about a formal separation/divorce, until after he returns.

What you may find is that he will have time to reflect on his life. His 12 years of marriage, his three children. Although he may conclusively decide the marriage won't work, I think there is an equally good chance that he will see it the other way, and realize that he wants to work on his marriage.

He loves you but he isn't in love with you. That seems a contradiction, and many will disagree with me, but I think it is one and the same thing. When people think of being 'in love', they think of the early days. The living and breathing for the other person, effortless communication, busy exciting times together, etc. That special place where hormones and happiness create fireworks that you expect to go on forever.

Then reality sets in. Kids come along, mortgages, the humdrum bill paying, obligatory dinner at mom's house, soccer practise, house cleaning, working. Life is different. Fireworks have been replaced with the day to day activities and obligations that leave little time for romance and fun. It gets away on us so easily.

So, he needs to grow up in a way and realize that he has obligations that go beyond his needs, and his need to be 'in love', and rather focus on the love he has for you and his children, and make an honest effort to salvage his marriage.

When he returns, counselling should continue, and the foundation or agreement between the two of you to try, can then get down to the nitty gritty. If both parties are willing, there is nothing you cannot accomplish with someone who loves you, and someone you love back.

[frozensprouts]

Thanks for all the answers so far. They have been very helpful- but things got even weirder last night.
He is on a course right now, and supposed to be staying "in barracks" at night ( "supposed to" and "are" aren't the same- as long as the people on the course get there in time in the morning, the instructors look the other way about staying there at night.) My husband told me last night that he had taken our second alarm clock to his room in barracks, and it was still there, and he would need an alarm in the morning to wake up in time to get back. He asked if I would ratyher him take the alarm clock from my I formerly our) room to use in his room in the basement, or have him sleep upstairs with me- I told him that he could do whichever he thought was best. He decided to sleep upstairs with me, and when he came to bed we talked for a minute, and said goodnight. He asked me if I wanted a hug goodnight, and I told him "yes", and we ended up snuggled up together and he fell asleep. He woke up once or twice, and I thought he'd pull away, but he didn't. He shifted around, but kept snuggled up pretty much all night. I didn't try and force him to, he just did it on his own. He didn't say anything, just cuddled up.
He was gone when I got up this morning, which is what I expected, but I am really confused now. What the heck was last night all about? He seemed content and happy, is that a good sign? Maybe he felt a bit of the old "love" back? I don't know, and I don't want to read too much into it, but it was nice.
I suppose the best thing to do is just wait and see what happens next- I really want to ask him about it, but I suppose waiting for him to talk may be best? He might come home tonight or he might not, depending on how his day goes. I guess all I can do is wait. Maybe I am looking at this in kind of a "mixed up" way, but how could he have stayed like that with me last night if there were absolutely no "feelings" at all? I was careful to let all the contact be initiated by him, but responded positively. I hope I did the right thing.

[zippit]

Your still married and it felt good and comfortable so of course you did the right thing maybe with everything going on between you and him you both just need that.
Having said that as guy I would tell you don't read too much into it and I wouldn't ask him about it that will just be awkward trying to answer
"well why did you snuggle with me?"
Is not a question I want to be asked he may have done it for selfish reasons just to feel normal again.I don't think he would have done that if he was totally done with you so there's plenty reason to believe he's wanting things to get better.
Is that confusing ?

[frozensprouts]

Thanks Zippit, your answer makes sense. I wondered if maybe he was really hurting and in need of some comfort for himself, and hopefully, he got it, which may help him to sort out his feelings ( maybe , way deep down, past all the hurt and anger, there are still feelings and that may have helped him to see that? I can hope, I guess). After we had cuddled for a few minutes, I said " thank you for this" to him, as I wanted him to know that I did appreciate the comforting. He seemed really surprised, and said" you don't need to thank me".
I know it may not mean anything, but it's really hard not to be hopeful after last night.

[frozensprouts]

I guess I was being too hopeful. He didn't come home last night ( but he did call) , and he came home tonight long enough to take a shower, ask me to make him something to eat and then he lefty again. I feel so horrible right now.
Part of me wishes that he could know how much this hurts, but I guess he doesn't see that.

[Gemini54]

I guess I was being too hopeful. He didn't come home last night ( but he did call) , and he came home tonight long enough to take a shower, ask me to make him something to eat and then he lefty again. I feel so horrible right now.
Part of me wishes that he could know how much this hurts, but I guess he doesn't see that.

I don't think that at this stage you should be cooking for him. If he chooses not to be in the relationship, then he loses his privileges with regards to you being a wife to him.

Have you thought of writing him a letter and telling him what you're feeling?

[Jake2008]

Had to spread the rep Gemini, but I think writing him a letter is a great idea.

Spill the beans, and give him a better idea what he has done to hurt you.

Certainly worth a try, and it may open up some communication. Especially if he 'doesn't get it'.

[frozensprouts]

I think I will try that. I have not much else to do at night aftre I get my kids into bed. I clean like crazy, and have done a whole lot of "spot painting" on places on the walls that need it. I have kind of run out of things to do, and the nights are so quiet.

[frozensprouts]

Hi
My husband and I separated about three weeks ago- it was a complete "bombshell" to me, but, after a lot of issues, we have decided to try and work on things. He has said things like " I love you but I am not in love with you" and " you are more like my best friend than anything else- there is nothing else there now". We do have an appointment to see a marriage counselor, and he will be seeing a counselor on his own, as am I. He has made up a room in the basement for himself, and that is where he has ( for the most part) been sleeping.
He had, about three months ago, developed a very strong friendship with a girl who works under him in his office ( he is in the army) and after he told me he wanted a separation, he started staying nights on her couch. I have found out that about two days after we separated, he started a "romantic' relationship with her. I was very upset about this ( for all the obvious reasons), as well as that if he gets caught in this relationship, he could be demoted, fined, etc. ( he's her supervisor and a higher rank). Since he is the breadwinner, ( we have three small kids, two of whom are autistic) that would be a disaster. I told him that he could either stop seeing that girl and try and work on things in our marriage, or keep seeing her, leave our house, and I would report what was going on, because either way, it had to stop. He agreed to stay at home and try and work on things.

The question I have ( after the very convoluted story) is can anyone give me some advice on how to maybe help him see that there can still be "romance" between us ( like the song lyric says " bring back that lovin' feelin'), and also , I find our conversations to be strained- it's hard to know what to talk about ( we have done a lot of talking about issues that he says he had been having with me for a long time, but never told me about because he didn't want to hurt me- this is good, I hope). Can anyone suggest a way to help alleviate this strain ? I have suggested to him that we maybe try and do some things with just the two of us, now that we have a sitter, but he doesn't seem interested. He just keeps saying that he is scared that his feelings won't change- he is due to be deployed in November for six or seven months to afaghanistan.

Thanks for reading all of this- any comments, ideas, suggestion,s etc. will be greatly appreciated, and I thank you for them.

[ijustdontknow]

Hi,
I'm very sorry to hear of your situation and understand that things must be very difficult for you at the moment.

The fact that you have talked about issues is a starting point to rebuilding your relationship and also deciding to see a marriage counselor shows that you both must want to make things work?

Maybe a way forward is to find out the things that attracted you together in the first place, the things that created the initial sparks in your relationship.
Hopefully the counseling (for him) will help him get out of the frame of mind of being scared of his feelings not changing.

I wish I could help more in some way but I think so far you have done the best things. Your talking openly, agreed to counseling so all I can do is with you luck.

All the best,
Danny

[0rphan]

Hi.. what a very difficult situation to be in.

It seems that he has returned to the family home under duress.. ( if you don't I'll report you etc.) not really the best way to sort out your problems, but I can understand why ( bread winner and 3 children).

The fact that he is in the forces and he is soon to be deployed to Afganistan, must be a huge strain on all of you, this must be constantly on his mind.

I think a big factor could be this women, who obviously has an influence on him and should know better,however it does take two to tango.

I think she is just a way to escape for a while, away from the kids, thoughts of being deployed and things that are worrying him in general, I don't think this relationship will be for the long term but it has obviously made him look at your marriage realizing what is no longer their.
Most family life is like that, something new comes along( this women) everything is fresh and new, which excites him, he wants more,it very rarely lasts though.

Could you possibly get a baby sitter, arrange an evenning out, a meal or just down your local for a quiet drink, somewhere that you can both relax without interuptions, perhaps then you may be able to slowly air your thoughts and feelings out in the open, which will be a start.


Maybe the kids could stay with a friend or family for a few days, you could prepare a romantic dinner for you both, surprise him when he gets home, wear something that you know he likes...

The kids must be very demanding taking up most of your time, perhaps he feels left out and thinks it will be the same for many years.
I think to him you have become the mother, carer, housekeeper and maybe lost the sparkle you both once had.

When you know he's due home, do you freshen up, maybe put on a little make up, perfume, make sure your hair is tidy etc.
The reason I say this is because many women don't, then wonder why their husband looks elsewhere, at the end of the day you are his wife and lover which is what he wants to see.

Many women also say " he knows i love him" but have you told him so? I know this probably sounds a bit trivial considering the circumstances but in my opinion you must win his love back, the only way you are going to do that is to pamper yourself, make him look twice at you, try and get as much free time with him as you can, even a short walk down the shops arm in arm will gradually increase his responses to you, show him that you love him ( not because he's the bread winner) tell him you couldn't imagine your lives without him etc.

This may take a while but persevere, be calm,try and go about your daily routine without ing at each other it won't achieve anything.

The fact that he says he will try and work things out is encouraging, also the counciller is a good start.

I do think that he has let things get on top of him and would suggest that he might visit the GP.He seems to have lost interest in life in general, I think he does need some sort of pick me up right now, although he probably won't admitt to it ( not the manly thing to do )

For now in my opinion you have to be as nice as you can be, make him want to come home to you, if your shouting him down or constantly arguing you will push him towards this other women.

Hopefully when he's gone to the counciller he will be able to clear things from his chest, I really do think that there is an underlying problem, which is affecting in one way or another his whole life.

Takecare

[frozensprouts]

I am trying to be as nice and helpful to him as I can be- and I'm trying to listen to his concerns and show that they are valid. I guess I am just being impatient, but I feel so horrible right now, and I just want things to work out. I don't mind doing the work to make that happen ( even if it is difficult and painful) if I knew that there was hope. But right now, I just don't know. I tried to look my best when he gets home ( I got my hair done, makeup, etc.) and he doesn't seem to notice. It's all so discouraging.