[JAMMA25]

I've been around on the site but haven't been posting very much. Not much has changed around here. Still going no contact. It's been about a week since the ex contacted me through Facebook asking about the security deposit on the apartment we shared. I kept the conversation very short.

We didn't get the deposit back but we did get the extra rent money for the month that was owed so I'm about to run to the post office and mail him a check. THE CHECK ONLY. NOTHING ELSE.

Monday night I had plans to go to the bowling alley with some friends. I was hesitant about going because we have A LOT of mutual friends and I knew that is where he has been going for the last few weeks. I decided that I was going to go anyway because I haven't had a Monday night off in a long time and it was quarter night at the bowling alley. SO, I straightened my hair, bought some short shorts and a cute top and felt really good about myself and went... but he never showed. Don't know if he knew I was coming or what. I was disappointed, but I was still determined to have a good time.

Until one of his friends called... This friend is someone that I haven't liked in the past. He is a needy, attention seeker with no social boundaries that makes everything about himself. It really bothered my ex that I didn't like him and it was one of the stresses in the relationship that my ex referred to in the "breakup conversation." Towards the end I tried making amends with this friend and even though the ex and I were broken up, this friend and I were trying to mend fences.

So the friend called to check up on me and see how I was doing. He was out of town and wanted someone to talk to. We were able to have a good conversation for MAYBE 15 minutes before he started volunteering all of this information about my ex that I didn't ask for: "the break up is starting to hit him and he feels really lonely. He loves you so much but he still thinks he made the right decision. He just doesn't know where he's going in his life and needs to get himself together." But he said that the ex has told everyone that has asked that he wouldn't get back together with me under any circumstances. It hurt so much to hear that, considering that my ex told me something different. My ex said that he didn't know if we'd get back together because he couldn't be sure what would happen in the future.

This friend also told me that the ex has been saying that he wishes people would hold him accountable for things and not let him get away with sh*&, be there for him and help him reach his goals because he feels like he's not getting anywhere in his life. The friend also told me that the ex wrote a private note on Facebook (I can't view it) and tagged 5 people in it (including the ex girlfriend that caused so much sh%$) saying he wanted them to be there for him while he tried to get his together and quit smoking.

I GOT SO PISSED! He used to tell ME that he loved me so much because I was the one person who would tell him what I really thought about him. He used to tell ME that he loved me because I kept him motivated. I did SO much for him. I was the one that suggested he major in recording technology because he loved music and electronics. I was the one that bought him the $400 microphone for his birthday. I was the one that supported the both of us financially for TWO MONTHS when he was working for his mother and she couldn't afford to pay her own son. AND I only work part time and was going to school full time. When he dropped out of college for a year and wanted to get back in school, it was ME that kept reminding him to fill out the FAFSA. What the hell? And he wants his FRIENDS to be there for him? The friends that weren't around when he needed them the most? The friends that leach off him because he is the only one that has any potential out of all of them?

Why is it that people can't see the things other people do for them? Why can't he see that it was me that was always there no matter what. I never asked for anything, but I want to be appreciated! Why is he using all of these bad friends to replace me?

I was so mad at this point that I almost went into a rant on the phone with this guy but the phone cut out. When I was able to charge my phone I had 2 voicemails and 4 text messages from him. At first he was apologizing saying that he was so upset for telling me those things and getting me upset but as I read the text messages he started to say that I had no right to be mad at him because he was just being honest with me and saying that if people can't be honest with each other then there is no hope in the world for him and if he made me hate him then he just doesn't know what he'll do with himself. Really? Trying to guilt me into calling you back? HELL NO!

So I never called him back and he's been trying to get in contact with me for the last 2 days. I don't know what he's up to. I don't know what his motives/intentions are. He is more my ex's friend than mine and I don't really think he is a very good friend to the ex. I think (and a lot of my friends think) that he forced himself into our relationship and really doesn't want us to be together. It sucks because I know that this guy is the one my ex has been talking to and taking advice from. I can only hope that my ex opens his eyes soon and sees that this guy is no good.

From what I have heard, I'm almost glad that my ex is feeling lonely. That means he misses me, right? He hasn't called and I almost don't expect him to. At least not for some time. But it feels good to be missed. He is quitting smoking (it bothered me that he smoked because he is a musician/singer like me) and he is registering for classes this semester. I'm glad that he is finally getting somewhere in his life because he has been unhappy about it for a long time.

I just wish I could be there for him and we could be together.

[JAMMA25]

Maybe my posts are too long.
Maybe my story isn't interesting enough.
But no one on here seems to comment very much.
I wouldn't be writing if I didn't want someone to respond.


All right. No advice yet.
I'm pretty much giving up on this site, then.

[kctiger]

Jamma, chill out. We are here to help, we just have different schedules. Give us some credit, and give us some time to help and we will.

So your ex is lonely... so what? His friend is the one calling you, not him.

My advice (and don't get bitter): you are still VERY emotional over this whole thing and you need a bitter slap of reality. Luckily I am feeling frisky. Do NOT EVER answer your phone again when the d-bag friend calls. As a matter of fact, change your phone number or block his number. That is drama you don't need.

Secondly, get your own act together. This is OVER... period! Treat it as such. Take time for you, do things that make you happy and for God's sake realize that you are a loving, caring and special woman that will find the right person IF you allow this to happen and allow yourself to let go. It takes time, but it is well worth it in the end.

Rather than giving up on this site full of STRANGERS who have NEVER met you but take their time to help you, give up on what isn't realistic, which is you and him being together. Pick up your sorrow, your pity and yourself confidence and get yourself together.

[ZoeMarie]

KC said it.

And you said this guy was more like a friend of your ex's? I wouldn't bothet to answer the phone if he calls you back. There's no reason to be talking to him. Sounds like you don't care for him anyway.

[Chey5782]

I read your whole post enthralled. You write very well. Not that it's comforting but it IS something few have a real knack for.

Let me tell you one thing from one girl to another, if you can fit your booty into some short shorts and look good, you shouldn't be hurting for a man. You can either laugh at that or think I am horribly shallow, but I am hoping for the former.

I have never understood why friends do that thing where they DECIDE to inform you all about your EX without you asking how they are. They must assume you need to know. It's very obvious that you still care a great deal about this guy. You went to the bowling alley with the thought in there somewhere that you would see him. Was that half the reason you went?

It's time to start letting go of this relationship and moving on with your life. I know it's a lot easier to put into a sentence what takes months of hard work. But you sound like a strong mature woman. Off and on again is no way to love your romantic relationships. Find a real man, who will appreciate your support and concerns. God knows there are enough of them out there who could use a good woman. Half of them are too dense to know where to look. (Shut up guys you know it's true.) Start living this one life you get for YOU, The sooner the better. If only my whiney girlfriends showed half the integrity and strength you sound like you have they would all be so much happier. You should give yourself to have it. You are certainly capable.

[talaniman]

Why would you even put any stock into what a guy you don't like says? For one you don't need his attention and for another, admit you were disappointed because he didn't see you in your shorty shorts, so he could eat his heart out. Oh well, you should have had fun, which was why you went, instead of mending fences with his friend. That's not the way to move on.

[JAMMA25]

Learned about the facebook/myspace/twitter thing the hard way.

Just got back from a girl's night. Was feeling all empowered and wanting to call the ex and tell him off and say that I put up with so much crap that I shouldn't have and I wouldn't stand for that anymore because I command respect and I have standards. But I wasn't going to contact him because I'm in NC.

Then I get on my twitter and his status reads "The surrealism continues and life goes on more amazingly than ever planned."

I stopped following him on twitter immediately.
I want to slit my wrists and shoot myself in the heart.


I just want to remember how angry I am right now. I want to vent on here, but I'm so tired that I think I'm just going to go to bed.

[JAMMA25]

Day 19 of NC.

I'm having a hard time. Sometimes I feel OK, but this morning I've been having anxiety attacks off and on. Every now and then I get thoughts that I'm never going to hear from him again. He's not going to call. He's not thinking about me. He doesn't miss me. He's having the best time with me not in his life. Maybe seeing other girls including his ex that caused so much drama in our relationship...

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

And then more drama. I had a dream yesterday morning that woke me up around 5AM. I couldn't go back to sleep and I wanted to remember how I was feeling so I wrote it all down. I made it a private note on Facebook and tagged 5 of my close girlfriends. The next time I check Facebook is three hours later and there is a comment... from his MOTHER! I didn't tag his mother! It is then that I realize that the note isn't private at all!

I deleted the note immediately and called his mom. I told her that there was some confusion because I didn't tag her. She understood and said that at least she was able to help me see that it wasn't private and could delete it. I told her that I would appreciate it if she kept it to herself because I didn't want the ex to know. She said that she would and she said that they don't talk about me because we're both hurting too much for that kind of conversation. I told her that I felt like I shouldn't be talking to her because I didn't know if I could trust her. She said that she understood but she also said that just because she loves her sons doesn't mean she always "LIKES" them. What the hell does that mean? She also told me that her comment on the post said that our subconscious has a way of telling us things and she thinks I'm doing the right thing for myself by moving on. It hurt to hear that from her because I was never really sure if she wanted me to be with her son or not... but I just let the comment go.

Anyway, the post was up for 3 hours before I could delete it so I have no idea if he saw it or if one of his friends saw it or told him about it or if he didn't see it at all. Here is what the post said:

This is a private note. You ladies are the only ones that can see this. I tagged you because I trust you and want to share this with only YOU.

I just had a dream that got me OUT OF MY BED and has me typing this at 5:30 in the morning. I want to remember this dream and what I am feeling so I have to write it down. I want to remember this dream for the rest of my life.

August 2nd 2009

I just had a dream. This dream woke me up from a deep sleep. I did not cry after having this dream, though I might be having an anxiety attack right now.

In my dream me, the ex, a mutual friend, a girl I hardly know from high school, my roommate my freshman year of college, and a bunch of strangers were riding a bus. I don't know where we were going but we were on a bus. I don't know if the ex and I were together or not, but at some point the girl from high school tells me that the ex has been secretly seeing my roommate. I asked him if it was true and he didn't deny it. He actually didn't say anything to me at all and seemed a bit cocky <~~ I don't think the ex would actually act this way in real life.

All of a sudden we are some place else. It looked like it could have been his mom's living room, but smaller and arranged differently. Only the ex, the mutual friend and I were there. I'm still confronting the ex about the roommate, trying to tell him what a no good, selfish brat she is but he isn't listening to me. He doesn't care. I can't remember what all he said but it seemed like she was everything that I wasn't (even though all of those things were not good qualities).

Weirdly enough, it came down to physical strength. He was telling me that she was a little chubbier than me but she could lift him and bench press his weight. I picked him up off the couch and lifted him up over my head. I got on the ground and actually bench pressed him. I threw his scrawny up in the air and CAUGHT HIM.

He was surprised. Maybe even impressed. But it didn't matter. It wasn't enough.

I put him back on the couch and went into a RAGE. I yelled and I screamed (something I haven't really done in real life, but probably should have). I told him that he was being a stupid * * * * * * * . I tried to get him to see all of the things that I have done for him and to get him to understand that I did it all because I loved him. I tried to get him to remember all of the good times that we had. There was a TV playing behind me and I saw the ex's eyes shift to it (I don't think he would ever really do that, either), but it was so disrespectful that I slapped him and grabbed him by his face.

"You look at me when I'm talking to you. I am tired of this. I put my whole heart and soul into you and our relationship and, somehow, it just doesn't matter to you. I would have gone above and beyond for you. I would have taken a bullet for you. If you would have stayed with me I would have tried my damnedest to make all of your dreams come true. THAT IS WHAT LOVE IS. But I can't help you see that."

"One day, you will realize how much I did for you. One day you will be lost and alone and you're going to think of me and wish I were there. But I honest-to-GOD hope that I won't be there for you because as of this moment I don't want to be. When that day comes, you better pray that I am in a forgiving mood because today I don't want you anymore. I don't even want you in my life anymore. I don't need someone in my life that is going to leave me not because I did anything wrong. Not because we weren't right for each other. But because you want something or someone new. You don't know if being single or this "person" is necessarily BETTER than me, but it is NEW."

"I'm sick of it. I'm not going to let you do this * * * * to me anymore. When the day comes that you realize you've made a mistake, you're going to want me back. I don't know where I'll be, or how I'll feel, but on that day you are going to have to prove yourself. You are going to have to prove how much I mean to you. You are going to have to prove that you love and appreciate me and that you want me to be happy NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know how you can do this. I don't know what it will take. But when/if it happens, I'll think about it. I'll think LONG AND HARD. I don't know what the outcome will be but YOU BETTER PRAY."

"But until that day comes... I DON'T GIVE A * * * * ."

I really hope that I can live up to the strong, powerful women that I was in this dream. I have a history of being weak and not getting angry when I should have. I hope that when this day comes (and I really hope it does) that I will be strong enough to not take crap when I know that I deserve more.

Now I'm going to watch the sunrise.

Do I have anything to be worried about?

I'm so confused. I want to be strong and stand up for myself but I still want him to call...