[Chey5782]

From an anthropological point of view I have to say that this is a very Victorian point of view.

Excon made a good point when he said parents had been having sex in ear shot of their kids since the stone age.

I would be very interested in understanding why you viewed this as such a negative thing. Unless as such a small child you were convinced that they were hurting one another and that influenced your sexual ideals. That's possible.

I do however have to say that your statement about it being abnormal for a child is completely wrong. Historically family groups slept in large open rooms with only very thin dividers, if any, and not every child in history was disturbed.

Honestly as a parent I would be pretty pissed if a person of your opinion told my child this. That may be the issue here as well.

Mind you I am not attacking you or telling you to go get counseling. I think plenty of younger children don't have the proper grasp of a sexual adult relationship and being exposed to it in the wrong way CAN traumatize them. I would feel safe assuming that your parents didn't respect how you felt about it, OR take the time to talk to you about it and be open, thus the banging on the walls. That was a failure on your parents part. And it has effected you as an adult sexually.

It's unfair, but having this opinion certainly doesn't make you insane, just of another mind set. I'd still be pissed if you told that to my child and traumatized them in the same way you were though.

To take such a Victorian stance about family and sexuality and say that basic human nature, and certainly hearing adults have sex is one way of knowing that this is a normal function. Kind of like hearing dad pee in the bathroom with the door closed. It just happens. It's not dirty or wrong, but a natural part of the reproductive process to engage your partner sexually.

I would MUCH rather my child overhear my husband and I making love than learn about sex from another venue like porn. That's MY point. In this day and age our children are over exposed and much too early. I would rather it be in a controlled loving family home environment than via a tape or magazine or some other ghastly website. I'd rather my child question me than think all sex is like a video.

[smoothy]

Here is a poiunt to ponder... I'm willing to bet many times you assumed it was sex, it likely wasn't. Besides, would YOU give up sex just because there is a child in the house? If so, I feel sorry for your spouse. I mean if one or both of them are screamers, THEN consider it when kids are away from the house... otherwise what goes on behind closed doors is perfectly fine and normal.

Which do you think would be more traumatizing... a few sounds behind closed doors of unknown origin? Or one parent physically abusing the other in front of them?

[Catsmine]

Chey's point that the parents are the ones who allowed a natural thing to become traumatic needs expansion. Had they taught their children that loving one's partner included touching and kissing and making love and even having sex (get your minds out of my gutter) then this young lady would not be battling a budding neurosis now. Good luck to you, white rose, and try to raise your children better than you were, just as I do every day.

[artlady]

I think we fear what we don't understand and hearing your parents may have frightened you,possibly thinking they were hurting each other.I think the trauma is more one of the fear of that than the actual act of sex.
That fear may be what you are unable to let go of and understanding that is half the problem solved.

[ReklawHawk]

I had (or have) the same problem. I completely understand that it is normal and a healthy factor of life for adults and our parents to have sex, and that it is an important part of any relationship. However, like you, I too witnessed my father & my step-mother having sex when I was the age of 12. It was before they were married, and I heard them when I was "sleeping". Their moaning had woken me, and I was genuinely scared. For some reason it really upset me, and I was emotionally ruined by this. It may have something to do with the fact that after that night, it continued. Over and over, I would wake up and hear them having sex. Since I was so young, I didn't realize what I was really getting into when I talked to my dad about it. I asked him if he could "quiet down" and he looked mortified. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but it was really bothering me to hear them almost every night.

As I got older, it continued, but it got worse and worse. We'd go camping, set up a tent-trailer, and as I slept on the floor, them in the bed, they'd go at it in the middle of the night. Clearly this woke me up as I was pretty much right beside them, and the trailer was even moving. When we were back at home, every weekend (some week days) I'd wake up hearing them. I don't know if it's because I'm paranoid so I'm automatically tuned to wake up when I hear them, or if it's because I'm a light sleeper. Either way, I've heard them way too many times to count.

Then a few years ago, we went on vacation, and I heard them whispering to one another in the early morning in the same hotel room that I slept in. They had one bed and I shared the other with my step-sister. She slept through everything, but I was afraid of them realizing I was awake and listening so I tried to fall back asleep. It didn't work. I didn't want to breathe loudly, I didn't want to swallow, I didn't want to make any sort of noise at all that would alert them of my being awake. I was very ashamed, and knew that it was private, but I couldn't go back to sleep because I was so scared.

Then it happened again, while on another vacation. Then again, but they were actually having sex this time. Even today, they continue to be very, let's say, un-subtle. I walked in on them in the middle of the day on the couch in the living room. I walked in on them again when they were sitting together and my dad was feeling up my step-mom. It occurs so much, that I'm literally deeply, and emotionally scarred and disturbed. It has really affected my views on sex and the way I see them.

I'm 18 now as well, and I still haven't had sex because I'm extremely terrified of it. I know that it's normal, healthy (in some ways) and whatnot but I'm so deeply wounded from everything I've witnessed that I can't see past it. My 16-year old step-sister just started having sex with her boyfriend, and when I found her birth control pills I got very nauseous and a bit frustrated that she was sexually active. All of the kids I grew up with have had sex - all of my friends, etc. It's really bothering me a lot. I can't seem to get over it, even though I know I need to. I don't know how, and I've tried talking to a therapist about how to improve this strange condition but she says I will grow out of it. I don't think she understands the severity of my disturbance.

I know that parents need to have a sex-life and they should, because as you get older, it becomes more important to keep that aspect of your life alive. However, I'm so scarred and wounded from my past that I don't know what to do about it. It's getting out of control, and ruining my own personal relationships with not only men in my life, but friends, family, pretty much any social contact I have. I can't view anything normally anymore. I'm wondering if it's really a psychological issue.

[smoothy]

Most definitely psycological... keep in mind that most of the world will have sex... except for a very few. Its all in your mind. THe fact YOU are the one having problems coming to terms with this says it might be in your best interest to get counseling now while you are still young and have time to have a normal sex life rather than leaving the irrational fears unaddressed for any longer.

[white-rose]

how did you know they were having sex at such a young age...as you said you were not very educated about sex. you heard them...you did not see them. I just dont understand how it could have traumatized (sp?) you that mutch.

I said I wasn't very educated about sex, but I still knew they were having sex.

[white-rose]

I had (or have) the same problem. I completely understand that it is normal and a healthy factor of life for adults and our parents to have sex, and that it is an important part of any relationship. However, like you, I too witnessed my father & my step-mother having sex when I was the age of 12. It was before they were married, and I heard them when I was "sleeping". Their moaning had woken me, and I was genuinely scared. For some reason it really upset me, and I was emotionally ruined by this. It may have something to do with the fact that after that night, it continued. Over and over, I would wake up and hear them having sex. Since I was so young, I didn't realize what I was really getting into when I talked to my dad about it. I asked him if he could "quiet down" and he looked mortified. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but it was really bothering me to hear them almost every night.

As I got older, it continued, but it got worse and worse. We'd go camping, set up a tent-trailer, and as I slept on the floor, them in the bed, they'd go at it in the middle of the night. Clearly this woke me up as I was pretty much right beside them, and the trailer was even moving. When we were back at home, every weekend (some week days) I'd wake up hearing them. I don't know if it's because I'm paranoid so I'm automatically tuned to wake up when I hear them, or if it's because I'm a light sleeper. Either way, I've heard them way too many times to count.

Then a few years ago, we went on vacation, and I heard them whispering to one another in the early morning in the same hotel room that I slept in. They had one bed and I shared the other with my step-sister. She slept through everything, but I was afraid of them realizing I was awake and listening so I tried to fall back asleep. It didn't work. I didn't want to breathe loudly, I didn't want to swallow, I didn't want to make any sort of noise at all that would alert them of my being awake. I was very ashamed, and knew that it was private, but I couldn't go back to sleep because I was so scared.

Then it happened again, while on another vacation. Then again, but they were actually having sex this time. Even today, they continue to be very, let's say, un-subtle. I walked in on them in the middle of the day on the couch in the living room. I walked in on them again when they were sitting together and my dad was feeling up my step-mom. It occurs so much, that I'm literally deeply, and emotionally scarred and disturbed. It has really affected my views on sex and the way I see them.

I'm 18 now as well, and I still haven't had sex because I'm extremely terrified of it. I know that it's normal, healthy (in some ways) and whatnot but I'm so deeply wounded from everything I've witnessed that I can't see past it. My 16-year old step-sister just started having sex with her boyfriend, and when I found her birth control pills I got very nauseous and a bit frustrated that she was sexually active. All of the kids I grew up with have had sex - all of my friends, etc. It's really bothering me a lot. I can't seem to get over it, even though I know I need to. I don't know how, and I've tried talking to a therapist about how to improve this strange condition but she says I will grow out of it. I don't think she understands the severity of my disturbance.

I know that parents need to have a sex-life and they should, because as you get older, it becomes more important to keep that aspect of your life alive. However, I'm so scarred and wounded from my past that I don't know what to do about it. It's getting out of control, and ruining my own personal relationships with not only men in my life, but friends, family, pretty much any social contact I have. I can't view anything normally anymore. I'm wondering if it's really a psychological issue.

Yes your situation was a lot like mine, its good to know that there is someone else out there who feels like me and can see my point of view. I'm an eighteen year old girl as well, and merely hearing my parents having sex over my life has mentally disturbed me and tainted my views on sex, your parents seem worse. And you said, "She says I will grow out of it. I don't think she understands the severity of my disturbance." That's the response I get from people 99% of the time. Like here, despite the fact some of it was great advice, they try to downplay the effects it has on some children because they probably have sex while their kids can hear it, and their kids have "turned out fine." My parents think I have turned out fine as well, because I have, well except with sexuality. See sex is a good thing, but having sex so other people can hear it is disrespectful and inconsiderate, I don't care if your 2 years old or 55 nobody wants to hear other's having sex! Especially people that are more close to you than anyone else, your parents.

[dessaml]

I am the same way... I used to hear it a lot and it would disturb me, I remember that happened when I was having a sleep over... omg...

I am paranoid about it to... I won't live with another person because I don't want to hear it... I live with my boyfriend so its not a problem, but yeah... It freaks me out too...

[kakaka453]

I totally know what you mean. I've heard it so many times and I do think it's inconsiderate to the child especially if you are blatantly still awake or if you have friends over (which has happened twice now" it's really embarrassing and I don't feel comfortable having friends to sleep over anymore because they definitely don't want to hear that. They also always make a big deal about me going out and not doing school work and then when i come back home I get woken up in the middle of the night. I'm perfectly happy to get out of the house especially if it means not having to hear. It hasn't had any "lasting effects" but since I'm still living with my parents I would really like some advice on how to deal with it.

[Jake2008]

You seem convinced that your childhood was traumatized by hearing the love making of your parents. I think that's pretty lame, and I don't think they are to blame. I suspect that if that is something that you haven't come to grips with at your age, you may want to seriously consider seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

When I think of trauma in childhood, I think of children in war zones, watching their parents being blown to bits, and schools hit with rocket attacks, and the young dying every day because they don't have clean water or enough food to sustain life itself. I think of those children of soldiers who's fathers and mothers have died in war, and the trauma of being old enough to understand at an early age that death comes at the hand of violence in the street, in the home, and in the workplace. Have you read about Fort Hood? I wonder if the lives of the children left behind have been traumatized by their parents deaths at the hands of a madman.

So you heard your parents making love. So freaking what!! Get over yourself, and realize that if you have a problem, it is your problem, not theirs. Do what you have to do and deal with it, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

[seenbutnotheard]

I don't mean to be insensitive but I do believe that hearing your parents have sex, is more of a positive experience than a negative if any at all. The fact that you are putting so much thought into the fact that your parents had sex and having negative reaction to it is telling me that you are having more deep rooted sexual problems that you make out.

I think blaming your parents for your problems is the inconsiderate thing to do. I would also go as far as to say that you would have this problem whether you heard your parents have sex, you would just blame it on something else. It's not the norm but it's not wrong not to like sex. Stop blaming your problems on your parents and get to the root of the problem.

[Bloomzii]

Okay well am going through the same experience and damn its tough.. thinking that your going to hear your parents moaning every second is SICK!
I mean I don't like sleeping anymore.. so that I won't have to go through the thinking process...
I totally get the whole "crying yourself to sleep"
I did that to.. still do it
One Question:
Did you by any chance get over it?
Or does it still hurt ?

[Synnen]

Bloomzii--how old are you, that you're still living with your parents?

[Bloomzii]

Am 16!
And yup living with my parents !
I can't see the point out of your question!

[Synnen]

The point of my question is this: You are posting in ADULT sexuality.

You are not an adult.

Please refrain from posting in Adult Sexuality until you ARE an adult.

Any further posts from you on the adult sexuality boards will be deleted.

[shazamataz]

Because you need to be over 18 to post on this board for obvious reasons ;)