[LJDK]

Entire story merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Hi.

Me and my Fiancé have a great relationship. We talk openly, enjoy each others company and do small things to make each other feel special. What I am scared about is I am having doubts about our compatibility regardless if things are going great or not.

There are differences in our preferred lifestyle.

Me : Loves hiking. Would rather explore new caves than go clubbing. Staying home and watching a movie or cook.

Her : Loves clubbing, visiting friends and not stay at home. She does enjoy it once in a while, watching a movie or cook with me.

But this is what is scaring me. We are doing more of what I want to do, and less of what she wants to do. We do go hiking together, and we do go clubbing together. The problem is, when we do go clubbing, I spend my time at the bar, drinking the night away. She spends her time on the dance floor so we see each other on such a night about 5 minutes maybe.

I simply have no desire to dance. Never had. Kind of a metal person. Truth be told, the clubs we go to irritate the living hell out of me. But I hold my pose well. The point is, I just started the process of telling her we are doing this and this, which is what I know she likes and wants because I started feeling guilty that we do too much what I want to do.

The other problem is, in my past I use to do a lot of LSD, some KAT and lots of pot. When we met, she was using KAT and pot. I was clean for a month or two, only smoking a joint in the past 5 years and no other substances.

I knew I had to say no, but I lit one up with her, and now we are still smoking a joint every now and then. I feel I have had a positive effect on her life, as she use to smoke daily, and since she met me, she only does it once or twice a week. As for the KAT, I told her one night that it has to stop. It was making her emotional beyond which is normal. It always completely takes away her sex drive for days on end and creates great over reactions for minor misunderstandings.

She tried to quit, and did for a month or two, then she started seeing her old friends again. So it started all over again. But she kept it from me, but I soon confronted her telling her all the signs are back. So she confessed. This broke my trust. I am trying to support her through this, but another month or two passed then it spoiled an entire romantic evening. She kept it from me again, and I made an entire romantic evening for us. Instead of being happy she started crying and then confessed she used it again. On a guilt trip the entire evening was a mess. I did not get mad, I only told her I do not like it and I want it out of her life because of this. Guilt trips, emotional outbursts etc.

So I am confused. She told me she will outgrow it, which in turn I said is BS, because you do not simply outgrow addictions. She refuses it is an addiction and says it is an escape and she needs it. Like I said before, I have experimented with a lot of things in my life, and simply do not understand how this crap can be addictive. It makes you talkative, and that is about all. OK So maybe a small buzz. Who cares.

I don't know. I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then it's a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself I can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and I am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day I sit there tell her what's on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say I do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and I keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But I have doubts. Lol

I tell myself it is due to her previous relationships where she had abusive boyfriends who manipulated her, abused her etc. Her mother told me she has never has a decent boyfriend in her life. So I don't know.

Truth is I still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But I am scared I will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... I am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.

What do you people think.

[caz1961]

It is difficult for a relationship when the trust goes, but if you really love her and it sounds like you do. This trust was broken by an addiction which takes over and makes you do things your ashamed of, and its this shame that I think led to you not being told. It will be a hard road gettng someone of drugs they have to want to do it. But she hasn't been unfaithful I wouldn't worry about that happening. Just concentrate on breaking the drug addiction with support if you can.

[LJDK]

I will. I am confident I can help her get through this. It just takes a lot of energy out of me, considering I am struggling with my own addiction at the moment, and recently realized a few other things. For instance the thread about our sex lives. Lets just pray I stay strong enough to support us both, working out my issues, while supporting her through her issues.

It would be very selfish of me, to give up now.

[caz1961]

I hope you manage to stay strong. You could do with some support for your addiction but you may be getting already,

[LJDK]

No support for my addiction. Wanted to share it with my partner again but it became obvious I am alone on this one. Every time I just try to talk about it she changes the subject.

It is because she feels responsible and if I talk about it she assumes I am blaming her. But so far it is going good. I will manage. She on the other hand told me she doesn't want to quit.

So I am on the fence whether should I be patient or run away. Meditate on this I must.

[paxe]

It seems you like her a lot and it is very selfless of your part to help her like that. Nonetheless, she needs real professional help as it is an addiction she has. I have seen countless friends go into this path and then never get out of it even with "harmless" drugs such as pot. You need to get her to a specialist one way or another.

[Torrid13]

Of course you're suspicious--she's went behind your back more than once, partaking in drugs she knows you don't agree with.

The trust has been broken.

I admire your willingness to keep trying, but "talking this out" simply isn't going to cut it. She needs professional help, as one posted earlier. And this process is going to take time: relapses, emotional outburts, and other things of that nature. Are you prepared for that? If so, and she is willing to get help, you guys might have a chance. If she doesn't want to get help, and I would sincerely consider looking somewhere else for love.

You said you have doubts about her opening up in the future: if you have doubts now, I wouldn't ignore them. Be realistic, and be sure to know when your energy of trying to make things work with her has expired, or you'll be running in heartbreaking circles for a long time.

Good luck.

[taoplr]

...
Truth is i still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But i am scared i will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... i am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.....

You can't save her. Her addiction has a path and she is on it. It's more than any drug; it's a lifestyle. Being an addict, you understand that.

Happy relationships exist between people who have very different tastes, opposite politics, even different religions. Although you can't make a clubber into a hiker at heart, happily married couples accommodate their partner's differences. They pay attention to each other and notice what hurts or heals the other. They give wholeheartedly of themselves in the service of their mate's fulfillment. But once you introduce serious drug use, the presence of mind goes to the substance and not to the other. Challenge that, and you become the obstacle to scoring.

You probably can stick this out for a while, but there is nothing in your narrative that says you have the ability to transform this situation into one that won't break your heart. Since she is lying and confessing to you, she sees you as the authorities, not her playmate (This doesn't mean in all ways, necessarily, but regarding her next high). It would take the two of you together to fight your way out, one or more great therapists, both of you bottoming out and being ready, a good support group, and possibly several years on a roller coaster. Are you up for that?

If you really love her, then think deeply about what you are prepared to endure in order to be the bast catalyst for her and for your own recovery. It might be refusal, separation, insistence, blameless distancing, non-judgmental witnessing, and/or a dozen other ways of taking a stand for your mutual liberation from drugs. Deal with your own addiction. You can only be a force for healing if you are doing your own.

If you look within and find that your love doesn't go that deep, do both her and yourself a favor and make a gentlemanly exit. Do it right. Do it honorably, courageously, honestly. Give her the experience of a person leaving with integrity. While very hard to do, this can be done. Succeed and you help both of you move to the next steps in your lives.


Tao

[sweet1028]

I agree with the other posters as well. She does need professional help, but the first step to getting help for a problem is admitting you have a problem and wanting to get help for it, right?
She says she doesn't want to quit. She is abusing your trust for her and going behind your back. You also pointed out that she is very loving and caring for you. I have to disagree. If she 'loves' you she would be trying to help you help her with this addiction. If she "cares' for you, she would would not ignore you when you try to talk to her about stuff.
There are a lot of issues here. You love her enough to do all of this for her; but does she love you enough to do the same for you? Don't get married until you are sure... good luck!

[LJDK]

Thank you all for the comments. I have decided I will stick it out for a few more months as I have seen some progress over time, especially last night and I am starting to believe there might be a happy and loving outcome.

PS. We had a great time last night clubbing. So I concur taoplr that there can be happiness in our differences. She even insisted we go hiking tomorrow.

[taoplr]

Thank you all for the comments. I have decided i will stick it out for a few more months as i have seen some progress over time, especially last night and i am starting to believe there might be a happy and loving outcome.

PS. We had a great time last night clubbing. So i concur taoplr that there can be happiness in our differences. She even insisted we go hiking tomorrow.

and from post #1:

I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then its a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself i can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and i am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day i sit there tell her whats on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say i do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and i keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But i have doubts. lol

There is something noble about your decision, or maybe misguided. Time will tell.

You would be wise to examine your motives—besides what you experience as love—day to day, and to trust your intuition as you gain experience with her. What story is running in the back of your mind that gets you to think that you have the horsepower to transform things for two people who are frequent users, one of whom displays hostile behavior when high? You are telling yourself that you can get the two of you through this and one hopes that you succeed. But be real: what are your chances?

That's not to say that you shouldn't give it a full-hearted try. Just go into it with your eyes open; keep a core part of yourself to yourself, detached from all this, centered and grounded in your own being.

You know addiction. Addicts will say and do anything to hide and sustain their dependence. You will wonder if she is playing you for a long time. At the very least, she is motivated to deceive you, a caring friend who wants her to end her addiction. This is going to take a lot of love, discipline, smarts, energy, and most of all, stamina.

Bottom line: Go for it, because that's what is in you to do. Get professional help asap. Being in therapy will make a huge difference. Establish clear boundaries, limits of drug use, partying, indulgent behavior, and abuse. She will breach some or all of them.( Addicts don't accept other people's boundaries.) Decide how may times you will forgive her and how far you will take this commitment. Once you reach your limit, move. If you pull this off, you will have done something extraordinary. Maybe you both can grow and have a life together.

If you fail, or hit your limit and bail, immediately forgive both of you. I am sure you will have done everything you could. No denial. No blame. Move on with your life.

My hope is that through the ups and downs to come, you will be pleasantly surprised to feel the wind gently pressing at your back.

Tao

[inertia]

Tough spot and I can relate to quite a bit of it. Trust is not the only thing your relationship is lacking. It sounds like communications are down too. K isn't physically addictive, neither is LSD or pot. So a lot of these posters are assuming that this "addiction" is in full control. I see a different situation here.

I see a girl who likes to party. Since you aren't opposed, you partake with her on occasion, but ultimately you sound ready to grow up a bit. She doesn't. I'm not saying using these drugs is only partying by the way. Anyone who needs to party this hard on a regular basis has some "issues" in life. However, these drugs are not even on the same planet as Heroin, Coke or Meth.

She's going to have to grow out of this all by herself. You can either continue to hang on for the ride which will become less and less enjoyable or cut ties now before you really get hurt. An earlier poster hit the nail on the head. She sees you as some kind of authority in her life instead of a partner in crime. She's looking for a partner in crime right now. As you become more worried, she will become more resentful.

Since you used to party a bit yourself. Remember any "older" girls weathered pretty hard by drug use still hanging out with kids a bit younger than them? All that partying wears people down. Some see it early and break away and become true adults. Others get stuck in perpetual childhood and become a joke to everyone.

It's impossible to predict which road she will go down, but for your own sanity, you may want to think about how well this girl really fits into a mature healthy life.

[taoplr]

Tough spot and I can relate to quite a bit of it. Trust is not the only thing your relationship is lacking. It sounds like communications are down too. K isn't physically addictive, neither is LSD or pot. So a lot of these posters are assuming that this "addiction" is in full control. I see a different situation here.

I see a girl who likes to party. Since you aren't opposed, you partake with her on occasion, but ultimately you sound ready to grow up a bit. She doesn't. I'm not saying using these drugs is only partying by the way. Anyone who needs to party this hard on a regular basis has some "issues" in life. However, these drugs are not even on the same planet as Heroin, Coke or Meth.

She's going to have to grow out of this all by herself. You can either continue to hang on for the ride which will become less and less enjoyable or cut ties now before you really get hurt. An earlier poster hit the nail on the head. She sees you as some kind of authority in her life instead of a partner in crime. She's looking for a partner in crime right now. As you become more worried, she will become more resentful.

Since you used to party a bit yourself. Remember any "older" girls weathered pretty hard by drug use still hanging out with kids a bit younger than them? All that partying wears people down. Some see it early and break away and become true adults. Others get stuck in perpetual childhood and become a joke to everyone.

It's impossible to predict which road she will go down, but for your own sanity, you may want to think about how well this girl really fits into a mature healthy life.

Inertia,

I agree with you that her addiction isn't to any particular drug. It's to a way of escaping. Her behavior when she's lit says it's deeper than lifestyle. She's got some chemistry going on.

LJDK has quite a project on his hands. If he can become an adult, maybe she will be inspired. Longshot but possible.

Tao

[talaniman]

Now we are still smoking a joint every now and then.

What a mixed signal you send, and how very pompous of you to choose her drug of choice for her. Your both at different stages in your life, and if you want to tell someone its not okay to do drugs, you must lead by example. Not merely tolerate what's okay with you.

You had your thing, that you have overcome, and grown to be responsible within in the limits you set for yourself, but don't expect the same for her, as that just ain't fair.

We all have our own timetable, and the way we process things, so lighten up and enjoy the journey, or quit! Don't try to control, but teach, and guide if your about being better and happy.

The good thing is, I think you see that, and are trying.

[inertia]

Don't try to control, but teach, and guide if your about being better and happy.

[/B]

If you can pull this off, more power to you. I had become controlling in this respect. I didn't mean to be, but my patience reached its limit. Like I said, tough spot.

[fuzzychin]

Hi.

Me and my Fiance have a great relationship. We talk openly, enjoy each others company and do small things to make each other feel special. What i am scared about is i am having doubts about our compatibility regardless if things are going great or not.

There are differences in our preferred lifestyle.

Me : Loves hiking. Would rather explore new caves than go clubbing. Staying home and watching a movie or cook.

Her : Loves clubbing, visiting friends and not stay at home. She does enjoy it once in a while, watching a movie or cook with me.

But this is what is scaring me. We are doing more of what i want to do, and less of what she wants to do. We do go hiking together, and we do go clubbing together. The problem is, when we do go clubbing, i spend my time at the bar, drinking the night away. She spends her time on the dance floor so we see each other on such a night about 5 minutes maybe.

I simply have no desire to dance. Never had. Kind of a metal person. Truth be told, the clubs we go to irritate the living hell out of me. But i hold my pose well. The point is, i just started the process of telling her we are doing this and this, which is what i know she likes and wants because i started feeling guilty that we do too much what i want to do.

The other problem is, in my past i use to do a lot of LSD, some KAT and lots of pot. When we met, she was using KAT and pot. I was clean for a month or two, only smoking a joint in the past 5 years and no other substances.

I knew i had to say no, but i lit one up with her, and now we are still smoking a joint every now and then. I feel i have had a positive effect on her life, as she use to smoke daily, and since she met me, she only does it once or twice a week. As for the KAT, i told her one night that it has to stop. It was making her emotional beyond which is normal. It always completely takes away her sex drive for days on end and creates great over reactions for minor misunderstandings.

She tried to quit, and did for a month or two, then she started seeing her old friends again. So it started all over again. But she kept it from me, but i soon confronted her telling her all the signs are back. So she confessed. This broke my trust. I am trying to support her through this, but another month or two passed then it spoiled an entire romantic evening. She kept it from me again, and i made an entire romantic evening for us. Instead of being happy she started crying and then confessed she used it again. On a guilt trip the entire evening was a mess. I did not get mad, i only told her i do not like it and i want it out of her life because of this. Guilt trips, emotional outbursts etc.

So i am confused. She told me she will outgrow it, which in turn i said is BS, because you do not simply outgrow addictions. She refuses it is an addiction and says it is an escape and she needs it. Like i said before, i have experimented with a lot of things in my life, and simply do not understand how this crap can be addictive. It makes you talkative, and that is about all. ok So maybe a small buzz. Who cares.

I don't know. I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then its a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself i can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and i am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day i sit there tell her whats on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say i do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and i keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But i have doubts. lol

I tell myself it is due to her previous relationships where she had abusive boyfriends who manipulated her, abused her etc. Her mother told me she has never has a decent boyfriend in her life. So i don't know.

Truth is i still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But i am scared i will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... i am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.

What do you people think.

This sounds aweful coming from an advice site, but if I were you I'd ring someone like the Samaritans or Frank. Or, buy a book on addiction/drug use and read it. There will be things in there that you do already by instinct, and there will be things in there that you haven't thought of which will help no end. I did the same for my ex with a different issue. We still split because she wore me down then didn't realise how dead I was, and thought I didn't love her anymore - I was so down I wasn't sure either. Watch out for yourself, as well as her. If you burn, she'll hopefully be OK again by that point, and you need to make her realise that it's all OK - you just need her to be there for you for a bit and all will be fine. Tricky business are up's and down's, but navigate wisely and it's possible I reckon. Good luck.

[N0help4u]

Look around and try to find some things you both like that you haven't thought about doing.
There's more than clubbing and hiking. Maybe find a club that feels more comfortable to you.

I agree she may not be addicted to anything but using it as an excuse to do because she wants to. Tell her that if it isn't an addiction then it should be easier to stop and it would mean more to you than she can imagine.

You have to look at all the pros and cons as well as all your options and come up with something.

[jmjoseph]

My wife is married to an alcoholic/addict. Yes, that was an admission. You see, my addiction didn't hit overdrive until I started having back problems, eventually surgery. All that did was give me validation for the drugs. I'm clean and sober today though, only through the love of a GREAT woman, GOD obviously, and detox, rehab, and AA/NA. The twelve steps are there for a reason, and they work. But, this isn't about me, I just wanted to give you my history so you'd know I have EXPERIENCE. Tears, pills, hangovers, throwing up in the bathroom at work, on,and on, and on, I could go with my EXPERIENCE, the one thing you can be sure of with an addiction is: they get worse, like a wildfire out of control, they need containment, and fast. YOU should try Alanon,or Naranon, it's for family members of alcoholics and addicts. There are meetings everywhere, it's free,and anonymous. My wife goes , and it's truly helped. Once she sees that you're going, it may open her eyes.

I had to look up "KAT", as I wasn't aware of what it was. Is it addictive? You can be addicted to chocolate... so... It's obviously posing a problem...

The most important thing is that SHE needs to understand that she has a problem. Only then, will things begin to get better. Good luck to you, and keep coming back. Send me a private message if you need some more answers.

[makapuu]

Considering that she is your fiancée now, you both must have accepted each other's lifestyles already. I think it would be unfair to hope for any type of change at this point.

[LJDK]

Thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although I might be having second thoughts at times, I made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can I quit.

She does see me as some sort of authority and I can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something I have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

What I am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where I come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. Funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then I realize I still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least I am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely I can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night I am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now I tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as I enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.