[jeand09]

I have always always been an overthinker and an over analyzer. I don't know if it's a need for me to be in control of all aspects of my life. Or if it's from being hurt many times in the past. I over analyze relationships with others more then anything. I take what they say and I twist it around in my brain to try and find the depth of what they said. I just want to be able to enjoy the moments for what they are.. not what they may become. Sometimes I get so caught up in the "what if" I am removed from the here and now. I have a great boyfriend that I am falling for, and I have the annoying tendency to question his thoughts and how he feels and I get easily upset by things that are not an issue at all. I have been working on this and felt I was doing better this past week or so. I am adopted and I recently read that it can cause great emotional pain on subconscious levels that I may not even be aware of. Being adopted might be the root to all of this evil and the feelings of being afraid of being hurt again.. or never good enough. I just need some tips on how to deal with this, and how to stop all of the questioning to my boyfriend. He recently told me that there have been times when he questioned his being with me due to my temper tantrums. I KNOW that I should not act like that but I can't seem to contain it. PLEASE help me out before I lose the first good guy that I've been blessed with.

[teastalk]

It sounds like he's a good guy.

I'm confused why you see a problem with him.

If he's saying things that sound like a red flag, I would understand your concern. If he says stuff like, "IF we're serious in the future," "I'm not good for you," "if you find someone better, I won't fight for you" then I would be worried.

If all his actions are right, then there's no reason to be concerned.

[jeand09]

my problem isn't with him.. it's with myself.. I need tips on how to just settle down and take things at face value, rather then try to figure everything out and worry about everything.

[jenniepepsi]

I feel for you hon. My advise would be to go see a counselor or phychologist. They would be best equipped for you to dig through the issues you are feeling and work them out.


*hugs* good luck

[jeand09]

I have a fabulous, caring, affectionate boyfriend. Or at least I used to. I don't know what's happened. I just know that it feels horrible. We used to talk at least 2 times a day on most days, or he would send me a random text saying he missed me. On Friday his brother and all of his friends cam down from NYC. Friday night he said he was going to fix his car so he could come see me before they went out. Well he called me at 5 on Friday to tell me that he wasn't coming over, he had to get his hair cut because they were all going out and he wasn't able to fix his car. I was devastated.. I had waited all day to see him, and an hour before he cancels on me? Saturday we hung out during the day and he was super sweet like he normally is and he told me that he was hoping his brothers/friends weren't going out that night after I left because he didn't really want to. I called him when I got home to let him know I was safe and he told me that they might be going out now. I just said be careful. He didn't call me until 330 on Sunday and then he told me that when he was out he had gotten pretty drunk and ended up dancing with some girls. Sunday night he didn't call until it was pretty late, which he never does because I have to get up early. He said that he had fell asleep for a couple of hours and just woke up and that he was sorry. I told him that I was feeling like he was changing a little bit or like he didn't feel the same. He told me that he loved me with all his heart and that I was a part of him. He used to call me in the morning when I was on my way to work because he would still be up and he hasn't done that in over a week. When we got off the phone last night I sent him a text that is a joke between us and he never said anything back. I still have not heard from him yet today.. no phone call.. no text message and I normally hear from him by now. I really don't want to lose him, I love him a lot and I feel that he's the one, but I feel like something isn't the same between us. Did he have too much fun with his friends all weekend and now he misses being single?

[kctiger]

No offense, but you sound like an extremely NEEDY girlfriend. You are freaking out over NOTHING!! The problem is your own insecurities, not him "changing." I would hope you don't drive him away with constant nagging about trivial stuff like this, do you?

[crisluvsu731]

Do you ever go out with the girls? Do you ever go out at all? You need to get out and do things to. The more you worry about hearing from him, the more it is going to show and the nore he isn't going to want to call you. Been there, done that. The less you call or bug him, the more he will want to call and talk to you. You don't live together, take advantage!

[Ivory0921]

Stop smothering him. He's pulling away because you're making him your world.

This a common mistake made by us women. We tend to revolve everything around our men and don't realize that we are actually suffocating them.

Take it easy, just let him do his own thing and I suggest you do the same.

Enjoy your time together, but don't obsess about spending every waking minute with him.

[crisluvsu731]

Just remember the phrase, "time makes the heart grow fonder!" I think that's what it is. But my boyfriend smothers me, we live together though, I am the outgoing type and he is a homebody. It drives me nuts!! I try and get him to go with me and he won't so I get the pitty my text messages all night and it just pisses me off and ruins my night which in turn, turns me away. Don't do that to him, trust me, it will happen. Does he ever ask you to go with him?

[jeand09]

I wouldn't say that I'm needy but I definitely agree that I over react. About everything. I am adopted and I read that being adopted can really cause a lot of problems later in your life. I know that he deserves his free time and hanging out with his friends, I would never stop him from that as I will never stop hanging out with my friends. I am very busy during the week so the only real time that we have together is on the weekend. I work overtime, I'm taking 3 classes for my degree and I spend every Monday and Thursday with my best friend and my niece. My life does not revolve around him, he's just a really nice bonus in my already great life. My problem is that I have been hurt so many times in the past that even the slightest change in behavior makes me think about before when it always ended badly. I've even been sure to explain to him that I was hurt badly before and even though it's not his fault at all, it will take me some time to get used to being treated normal and being loved. It's so hard to escape the thoughts of what used to always happen. I am trying my best though.

[BlackVY]

Hmmm...

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I have some thoughts about this guy.

He does sound a bit like me, in the sense that he is always being sweet and nice and caring, staying in contact as much as possible and stuff. Seems like he does a lot to show you he loves you and cares for you.

This is the problem. He may have done so much, more than most guys would, and now, if he slacks off a little, or if he is busy or tired, you take it as he is changing and that he doesn't love you as much anymore.

That doesn't seem like that case. What may have happened is that he overcommited himself ans his time to you, made such a huge effort for so long that you became used to it. Now since he has his brothers and friends coming to see him, he doesn't have all that time to give to you, but he is doing his best.

Try to cut him to slack and realize he is human and can't always keep up the level he was at before. Life does get hectic sometimes and it doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about you if he doesn't call or contact you as much as he did before. Just relax. Things will be OK. Take care

[jeand09]

My boyfriend of 6 mo. Broke up with me today. There were no signs what so ever and it came out of nowhere. Well we did have an argument the night before about who he was spending new years eve with. I am his very first relationship and the first woman that he ever loved.

I thought that we had an almost perfect relationship. We talked a few times throughout the day, about everything and anything. We saw each on the weekends and once during the week. I would go out with my friends and he would go out with his. He was silly and himself around me and we almost always had a great time with a ton of laughter.

A few days ago he told me that he keeps my text messages so that he can go through them and read them if he misses me. The other morning we were talking on the phone on my way into work and I could barely hear because of the bad weather. He told me to call him once I got to work so he knew I was safe. Well I had to stop for gas and he ended up calling me worried. He came to my house for thanksgiving dinner with my parents, and he was opening up to them more and more.

So what could have went wrong? He told me that he wasn't sure how he was feeling and that he had been feeling this way for a little while. But how can he pretend that he's deeply in love with me if he's not? He said that he never wanted to hurt me and that him telling me this was hurting him as well.. He said that he wanted to start from the beginning and just be friends for now. But he also still wants to go see xmas lights with me tomorrow night, and talk to me all the time. I am so confused.

He told me that I am a great person and a wonderful girlfriend and that none of this is my fault and that he "thinks" he still loves me and that he wants to try to make it work. I didn't know the relationship is broken!!
My friend stated that since this is his first relationship he might be so in love with me that it's starting to scare him and that he just needs a little break to make sure this is the right thing. She said that the holidays and coming to my house for dinner could have made it seem more serious. I don't know what to believe or think. Please help me


---UPDATE----
He was supposed to call me sat morning to talk and he waited until late in the afternoon which had me sad all morning. I was able to go to an event with my friends so that I was not just laying around all morning. When we talked on the phone he pretty much acted the same as always, even though I asked a few questions that I had about the situation. Later that night we went along with the plans that we had and when I got to his house to pick him up he gave me a huge hug and told me how nice I looked and how I better not cry (he was joking).

We stopped along the way and I told him in the car that I was not looking for marriage or anything other than what we already had at the moment, and that I was truly happy with the way things were and I thought he was also. I looked at him and he looked as though he was holding back tears. He NEVER cries. He just stated that he felt so horrible for the pain he's caused me. He reached over and held my hand. He also kissed me on the cheek a couple of times, and finally on the lips.

Once we were at the Gardens things were like old times, well like they were just last week, laughing and being silly and happy. He would put his arm around me and kiss me and took a ton of pictures of me on his phone, along with ones of us together. I told him that I feel like he never fell out of love with me and he stated that he never felt like this before. I asked him if he thought we would be OK and he said yes, and that he really hopes so. We even talked about things that we wanted to do in the summer, and buying a present for his niece together.

Besides having the questions lingering in my mind, everything felt like nothing had ever happened between us. And that we were both madly in love. We had plans previously to go to a basketball game thurs and I asked him if he wanted the tickets so he could go with a friend. He just stated, no we're supposed to go together and we will. I asked him when I would see him again and he stated, whenever you want. But I told him that it was on his terms now, I did not want to push. He said that Thurs was 4 days away and that he would want to see me before that. At the end of the night he hugged me and kissed me multiple times and told me to call once I got home. He called before I had the chance, concerned about me. He said that we would talk the next day.

I woke up in the morning to all of the pics sent to me from him in the middle of the night, so I know that he was obviously thinking about me. I told him thank you etc. He texted me later when he woke up saying " i hope your having a good morning" and I did not hear the phone so he called to talk. Asking me how I was and saying that we could see each other Tues if I wanted to.

Sorry for the long book, but I want everyone to know the details before they comment so that they can give me the best advice. I feel like things are the same.. but I'm very nervous and scared now. Even though he told me to not be scared and that I did not lose him. I am

[talaniman]

I have read your other postings, and will soon merge them all, as you do have your own issues, that have a bearing on the way you are allowing yourself to be treated.

He dumped you, plain and simple, but you keep hanging around confused, and scared, acting like you're a couple, and afraid to stand up for yourself, and be real. Of course your afraid of losing him, I got that from your other posts.

But to accept him treating you like he does because of fear, or whatever, is not the solution to your problem.

I imagine based on the past, your kind of needy and insecure so he has backed away to a safer distance, to deal with you, as I bet your behavior has changed a lot, since the official break up!. Your both afraid, even to talk honestly, and get a plan you both can benefit from.


I had to re read this all again as I can't believe you have had all these issues in the first 6 months. That usually the dating and having fun getting to know each other period, and you have certainly shown a lot of yourself. Its almost scary, and do I blame him for backing up, and redefining this relationship from a distance that's safer? No I Don't. Its almost self defense.

You expect too much, and push to hard, and accept far too much that should be questioned.

I also see a real lack of honest communications.

[Gemini54]

Seriously, I got exhausted reading your posts, so I shudder to think how your BF (ex BF?) feels. Tantrums, questions, need to be reassured at every step of the way, at least twice a day – I had to sit down and take an aspirin after reading it all.

Another poster called you ‘needy’ in a previous post, but I think that’s an understatement. Your BF (ex BF?) should be in line for sainthood as far as I’m concerned.

I actually think that he sounds really nice. Patient, tolerant and caring. But you’re wearing him down with your constant need for reassurance, and your demands. It sounds as if he gave himself and his time willingly to start with, but I suspect it’s hard for him to maintain and now he’s questioning if it’s sustainable.

I have to ask – what does he get in return? I’m not being rude or nasty, but all of your posts are about him meeting your needs – what about his?

You’ve actually been nervous and scared from the start, so I guess he’s applied himself to soothing your fears (since you don’t seem to be able to do it yourself), and now he’s reconsidering whether the effort is worth it.

I don’t think he’s afraid of commitment – I think he’s shown enormous commitment over the past 6 months – I think he’s questioning whether he wants a commitment to you.

You would really benefit from some counselling – adoption may or may not be an issue for you – but I don’t think that you can successfully commit and participate in a healthy relationship until you do some self reflection and analysis – with the assistance of a professional therapist. You also need to learn some resilience and the skills of self soothing so that you can contribute back to a relationship, instead of just taking from it.

[amicon]

I too think you'd benefit from seeing a therapist,and try and work out your issues. You should be doing this for YOU not for anybody else. It seems you're stuck in a pattern of extreme neediness and your behaviour would try the patience of a saint. Until you have worked on your low selfesteem you won't have a healthy relationship.