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Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by 57373

He means some people have the clingy personality type.
They only distance themselves when they are 100% sure they have someone else lined up to replace the former.
It's a common trait,especially in women who feel they need to be 'loved',or guys who want to prove themselves as 'men'.
Again..the concept of rebounding...or security blankets.
They have no time to think about who they gave up because they are completely enamored with the "new and shiny bf or gf"
So their grief doesn't exactly hit them until they break up with the new bf/gf

In your case your split was amicable...but if you hurt that guy...i'm sure you'd have second thoughts.. "maybe I shouldn't have...I wonder about him...I feel bad"

No, I have no second thoughts or regrets. I'm sorry I hurt him because he was dear to me, but I never had second thoughts about leaving.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 08:50 PM

If I had stayed with him, I would have always had second thoughts about the guy I didn't go to, I would have wondered if he really was the one.
I made a decision and I have never regretted it.

paxe · Jul 2, 2009, 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You don't know this to be true. Do you guys know her? Do you know that she met this guy first and then dumped him? Or are you thinking about your own heartbreak.
Don't get it twisted.
He does not even know if she left him for the other guy, how do you know it?
Don't give advice based on your hurt and ager. It does not help him.

From what the dumpee told us, she lied to him. And we won't know for sure if she left him for someone else but isn't that what you did? I mean I'm trying to be rational here, isn't it due to a lack of courage? You may deny it but if you felt you weren't happy with your ex, why didn't you left him right away?

Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 09:05 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

From what the dumpee told us, she lied to him. And we won't know for sure if she left him for someone else but isn't that what you did? I mean I'm trying to be rational here, isn't it due to a lack of courage? You may deny it but if you felt you weren't happy with your ex, why didn't you left him right away?

Re read what I said. I did not leave him because I was unhappy with him, I left him because I realized that I could not be happy with him after I met this guy. I knew that what he and I had was teenaged neediness. We enabled each other in our insecurities. But I wasn't unhappy. What we had was not healthy.

And go back and read what he said. He does not know if she lied. She left him, she told him she was unhappy. He does not know if she was with the guy before she left.

You are getting it twisted with your hurt.

paxe · Jul 2, 2009, 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

If I had stayed with him, I would have always had second thoughts about the guy I didn't go to, I would have wondered if he really was the one.
I made a decision and I have never regretted it.

Why didn't you break off with your ex at the time before you go out with this other man? Shouldn't you have broken up first and then go out with this man after you healed? Just doesn't make any sense.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 09:08 PM

If my husband had not come along, we probably would have stayed happy in our dysfunction for a while, but as we matured we would have been some miserable adults.
In fact, both of our parents were glad we broke up. They saw we were not right or good for each other.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

Why didn't you break off with your ex at the time before you go out with this other man? Shouldn't you have broken up first and then go out with this man after you healed? Just doesn't make any sense.

Are you not reading what I wrote? Before I met him, I was not unhappy. There was no reason I could see at that point for us to break up. Everyone else saw it, but we didn't. There was no healing for me to do.
He and I got to know each other then we started dating. We dated for four years.

paxe · Jul 2, 2009, 09:19 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Re read what I said. I did not leave him because I was unhappy with him, I left him because I realized that I could not be happy with him after I met this guy. I knew that what he and I had was teenaged neediness. We enabled each other in our insecurities. But I wasn't unhappy. What we had was not healthy.

And go back and read what he said. He does not know if she lied. She left him, she told him she was unhappy. He does not know if she was with the guy before she left.

You are getting it twisted with your hurt.

Well first of all, what did you need a guy to find out your first relationship was unhealthy? I'm not trying to be harsh or judgmental, I'm just trying to understand why would someone do this? It is the easy way for me but not the moral way out. It is my opinion and I may be wrong. But I strongly believe that a moral person would find out for his own why the relationship was unhealthy in the first place, and then heal like exactly like a dumpee.

And actually she did lied to him if you reread the posts. He knew she wasn't saying the truth so he had to get a confession out of her. I'm not too much for lying especially when I'm breaking someone's heart, if I would break up with someone, I would at least tell them the whole truth.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 09:30 PM

Look this thread is not about me.
I was a teenager when this happened. Teenagers think they know it all. Our parents tried to tell us our relationship was not right.
When I met my husband, there was chemistry and I knew he was the right person for me.
You have been hurt and so no matter what I say you are not going to get it because you are comparing everything to your hurt.
People are different, what is good for you may not be good for another person. I did not lie to him, I told him why I was leaving and I left. I have never regretted leaving as I have a wonderful adult daughter and have had a long marriage. So this is the end of my story.

As for the OP, she told him there was no spark with him and he also had anger issues. This is why she left, whether she lied or not, he still needs to accept it and move on. It does no good to dwell on such things. It only makes you angry and you cannot see the things you need to see and you cannot move forward.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 2, 2009, 09:32 PM

You are still in pain yourself and are reliving your incident through his. Don't get it twisted. Perhaps you need to move on as well.

paxe · Jul 2, 2009, 09:50 PM

What happened to me changed my rationale of things, I have to admit that. I think I am almost finished by moving on, but I'm putting a ban on myself for looking for any girls. I've lost weight so my attractiveness has gone up but I want to heal completely before I would start dating again. Again I am sorry if I offended you I'm just trying to see some reasons in all this.

One of his thread specified that she lied to him. To me this is quite grave and it shows how weak she really is. My ex did the same thing and she cheated on me WHILE we were together. I find it quite hard and disturbing when people tell me it wasn't her fault or she was only wrong. When people tell me that it seems that cheating isn't as grave as it should be. This is why there should be NC at all and no "IFs" about if she would call or not.

The sooner you understand that YOU don't want her back (AKeagle) the better you will feel. And you shouldn't want her back for tons of reasons.

talaniman · Jul 3, 2009, 05:43 AM

Some, take longer than others, to heal. Its very hard to heal, and its only been a bit more than a month, that a 4 year relationship ended. Healing is a process that takes time.

AKeagle · Jul 3, 2009, 08:23 AM

I will be back on in a couple of days, going to enjoy myself while I'm out for the weekend. Thanks all for the advice, even though it seems I'm dwelling on thing I do feel better everyday. I honestly can't help but smile and laugh at what is going on. But am hopefully for the future, I know I myself will be successful in the future by myself or with her. She woul just be a bonus. I know others will come and go also.

Thanks all

Homegirl 50 · Jul 3, 2009, 08:26 AM

Enjoy your weekend!

AKeagle · Jul 6, 2009, 12:25 PM

day, I stopped keeping count

it was a good but bad vaca away from home. It was fun and exciting, met a lot of cool people, not just through my family, but random people at different places I ended up going to. It went bad cause of being along, though everyone I went down with was also. Though all and all, I had a good time, and have been talking to my cousin to see if I can go back to down soon.

as for my other cousin(marriage called off) I think he is coming around to realize she is probably not going to come back, which is helping my mood a lot. I have been trying to get him to work out with me daily, but he is stubborn in that way, so I usually end up working out alone, which is better for me, cause it is harder to get moving when you have to wait for someone else

paxe · Jul 6, 2009, 03:35 PM

Great dude! It's really great you are doing better, it helps me to help you lol. I would love to have the occasion to do some hiking also :s

AKeagle · Jul 6, 2009, 07:24 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

Great dude! It's really great you are doing better, it helps me to help you lol. I would love to have the occasion to do some hiking also :s

Well if you lived around northern va there are plenty of good places.

Well I'm thinking about breaking down and reading that message she wrote me on my birthday. It would really help me get past everything if I was able to forget her smile and all our good times, cause they make me hold on. But at the same time I don't want to only remember the bad times and what is happening right now, cause I will still hold on, but worse I will just become angry. For some stupid reason, I want her to contact, not to talk or anything, ignore all contact, but I would feel that by ignoring it I would at least have one point. Though all my points are starting to rack up in other areas, such as work, college, health, and money(I'm saving so much money, I never realized how much I really spent)

Any suggestions on that one?

paxe · Jul 6, 2009, 07:58 PM

Well, I think it's a normal process of healing up. We want to show them how great we are doing and put that in their face... but the thing is that we are doing all this for ourselves. Everything you have done is for yourself. At this stage, you are thinking less and less about her, you just need to let time do it's thing and you still need to do whatever you were doing to get better.
For myself, I do dwell from time to time on good and bad memories of my ex, but I think it's life she has been such a long part of my past that it is hard to dissociate myself from her completely. I guess on the long run when I will have completely healed I would just look back and think that all that was insignificant. Not forgetting the past completely, just not really caring about it.
I am also realizing how much I'm saving. I'm just realizing that I don't have to invite anybody for dinner, I just need to pay for myself. It's a great feeling! I'm starting to see all the advantages to being single an there is so much more opportunities that is opening to me. I guess you are starting to see the same thing as I do now.

AKeagle · Jul 6, 2009, 08:45 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

Well, I think it's a normal process of healing up. We want to show them how great we are doing and put that in their face... but the thing is that we are doing all this for ourselves. Everything you have done is for yourself. At this stage, you are thinking less and less about her, you just need to let time do it's thing and you still need to do whatever you were doing to get better.
For myself, I do dwell from time to time on good and bad memories of my ex, but I think it's life she has been such a long part of my past that it is hard to dissociate myself from her completely. I guess on the long run when I will have completely healed I would just look back and think that all that was insignificant. Not forgetting the past completely, just not really caring about it.
I am also realizing how much I'm saving. I'm just realizing that I don't have to invite anybody for dinner, I just need to pay for myself. It's a great feeling! I'm starting to see all the advantages to being single an there is so much more opportunities that is opening to me. I guess you are starting to see the same thing as I do now.

Think I should break down and read the message she sent me, I only read the header. There might not even be anything else to read.

I don't want to think this part of my life is insignificant, but I don't want to hold on or get mad about it

paxe · Jul 6, 2009, 08:54 PM

Originally Posted by AKeagle

think i should break down and read the message she sent me, i only read the header. there might not even be anything else to read.

i don't want to think this part of my life is insignificant, but i don't want to hold on or get mad about it

Well, I am not 100% sure about what to do with that. On the one hand it may hurt you but on the other hand, you are just too curious to do it. I guess go for it but just be ready to do some healing and do NOT let her string you or let her control you. Before you do anything harsh think a lot about your actions.