[talaniman]

Are you cheating on your wife?

[santimohan]

Are you cheating on your wife??

So far no.

[santimohan]

You have to talk with her and come to a new understanding about your marriage. If you feel that you can live with an "open" marriage (a marriage in which both partners have permission to have romantic relations, including sex, with other people) and you believe that this will not affect your family life, this choice belongs to you.

But, be clear. This is a dangerous way to live. Most open marriages end before long. It is very hard to sustain a normal family life with the spouses seeing other people. People fall in love, or think so for a while. They get comfort from others and want more. They make mistakes and everybody finds out. They leave to be with their lover. It can be very unstable.

Some cultures permit open marriages, and they are not a problem. Some people, like you seem to be, are not threatened by their spouse having a special friend. (It seems that you are more concerned about your parents finding out, and about sustaining your family's way of life.) If you are comfortable with her having sex with this man while you are away and want to give her this "gift," and if you believe she will contain her experience and keep it private, again, this choice belongs to you and to you alone. But you should think through what will happen if she is found out.

Some questions come to mind:

• Where do you live? From your earlier posts, I understand that an open marriage arrangement is not permitted in your culture. Same for divorce: not permitted. Correct?
• You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
• Am I correct in thinking that your biggest concern is your parents finding out?
• How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
• Do you also see other women for friendship and sex? Do you expect to in the future?
• Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
• Since you discovered all of this, do you argue about it, or do you talk openly, or do you—as the man—just tell her what she can and cannot do?
• Since you found out about her affair, do you and she still play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

If she is not seeing him now, you can take your time to think through this situation and communicate with her about what you feel. Communication is the key. Let her tell you what she is experiencing and feeling, and what she needs. Listen well to her. Then make your decisions about what you can live with.You will make the best decisions when you understand both her and yourself.

tao

Our culture do not allow. But many are doing this type of relation and known to the society. I am from India. I do have any relationship with other women and do not plan for the same. My concern is she want sex and if I am there with her she does not want to go to any body. When I will be leaving and during our last sex she use to ask me what I should do tomorrow onwards and can you keep your tool with me like that. So this persons wife also away and he approached my wife with an offer of good friendship and then lead to sex. So far she is not admitted that she had sex. From her behavior I predict she had with him.

[taoplr]

You must talk with her. You must understand her and she must understand you, especially about how you want to continue growing together. Don't assume that your prediction is correct. You might be wrong.

But, at this point, my sense is that if the situation is as you describe, you should just insist that she say goodbye to him and stop all interaction with him. No Contact. Meanwhile and afterward, be very kind and gentle with her. Make it safe and comforting for her to be closer to you.

I still have some unanswered questions:
* You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
* How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
* Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
* Do you and she play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

Please let us know the answers to these questions. It will help us help you.

Last question for today: What are you learning from all this?

Tao

[santimohan]

You must talk with her. You must understand her and she must understand you, especially about how you want to continue growing together. Don't assume that your prediction is correct. You might be wrong.

But, at this point, my sense is that if the situation is as you describe, you should just insist that she say goodbye to him and stop all interaction with him. No Contact. Meanwhile and afterward, be very kind and gentle with her. Make it safe and comforting for her to be closer to you.

I still have some unanswered questions:
* You don't express any jealousy. Do you feel jealous or not?
* How is her relationship with this man affecting your daughter? Do you think your daughter knows?
* Is she unhappy in general? If so, what does she need to be content?
* Do you and she play together? Are you romantic when you are home?

Please let us know the answers to these questions. It will help us help you.

Last question for today: What are you learning from all this?

Tao

I do not feel jealousy. This relation is not aware to my daughter. My wife is basically un happy due to the relationship she had with him and which she hide to me. As per she was also likely to close the relation and by that time only I cought her. I had very carefully delt the situation and not informed to any one in my family. But I informed her mother about her relationship which my wife also not knew. We are play together with very highly romatic mood. We use to have very good sex when we together. Now a days I am very close to her and very much supportive to her. We never had a fighting in our last 14 years of our life.

[taoplr]

I do not feel jealousy. This relation is not aware to my daughter. My wife is basicaly un happy due to the relationship she had with him and which she hide to me. As per she was also likely to close the relation and by that time only I cought her. I had very carefully delt the situation and not informed to any one in my family. But I informed her mother about her relationship which my wife also not knew. We are play together with very highly romatic mood. We use to have very good sex when we together. Now a days I am very close to her and very much supportive to her. We never had a fighting in our last 14 years of our life.

You told her mother? What did she say? What did she do?

From this experience, you have a good chance of making your marriage more secure and happy. You must find a way to communicate better with her while you are away. Become better at listening. Let her be free to grow. Her attraction to him was partly because it felt like she was understood and enabled to grow.

You have a good heart. Let her feel it. At the same time, don't leave any room for any more "friends" like this one.

Tao

[santimohan]

You told her mother? What did she say? What did she do?

From this experience, you have a good chance of making your marriage more secure and happy. You must find a way to communicate better with her while you are away. Become better at listening. Let her be free to grow. Her attraction to him was partly because it felt like she was understood and enabled to grow.

You have a good heart. Let her feel it. At the same time, don't leave any room for any more "friends" like this one.

tao

Her mother did not tell me any thing. It was a shock and she is not believing my wife would have had sex with him. My wife want me with her to do sex regularly. Her concern is that. Even yesterday she was asking me when you will come, I need you immediately. It is very difficult to stay with out me. Any way I can not go there now.

[taoplr]

Her mother did not tell me any thing. It was a shock and she is not believing my wife would have had sex with him. My wife want me with her to do sex regularly. Her concern is that. Even yesterday she was asking me when you will come, I need you immediately. It is very difficult to stay with out me. Any way I can not go there now.

I now get the impression that this might have been a problem for a long time. So, some more questions:

• Has her sexual need been a source of trouble for you and her before?
• For how long are you away each time you work?
• For how much longer will you work away from home?
• When you are home, is your sex life with her good? Good enough for her? Good enough for you?
• How often do you have sex with her when you are home?
• What is her age? Your age?

Your answers will determine how I advise you. Also:

• Her mother might not have said anything to you, but will she tell your parents, or tell someone else who will tell your parents? What will happen when your parents find out?

I don't want to ask you too many questions, but to help I need to understand your situation. This problem is similar to the one that people in the military have: They go away and leave their families for long periods. The wives who stay at home have networks of friends and family who support them in staying faithful to their husbands. I am sure that it's not perfect, but they somehow deal with it. (I invite any reader who has experience with this to join in this conversation.) Fortunately, you don't go away for such a long time as military people.

• Last questions for now: How far away is your work? In what city/country is your home? Your work?

There is a solution to your problem. Let's find it.

Tao

[santimohan]

I use to be with her every 6 months for 20 to 30 days depend on the leave sanctioned by company. I am 44 years and she is 36 years old. She in India and I am presently in U.A.E. My company do not provide family accommodation to bring her. When I am there almost all days we will have except the her period days. We really have good sex when we stay together and we enjoy as much as possible. She never wants to discuss much about the relationship with her boyfriend. When I ask something she use to say, that chapter is closed and let us forget it. Her mother will not tell to my parents or to any body else since the mistake is done by her daughter. My problem is I can not keep my wife with me continuously. There are many reasons, my daughter is studying in high school, my perents needs some one's help there and I have some properties there which has to be taken care by some one. So if she is there at least I can consider some one is there. Please let me have an advice from all of you.

[talaniman]

The time apart is very hard on you both, and you both suffer as a result. Its tough I know, and will be until you can be together a lot more. Try reading from these sites about Long distance relationships and it may give you some tips and insight.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Many times even the most dedicated and mature couples have the same problem with the distance between them. It helps to put the past behind you and work on bonding better through communications, but I seriously suspect your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you.

[santimohan]

The time apart is very hard on you both, and you both suffer as a result. Its tough I know, and will be until you can be together a lot more. Try reading from these sites about Long distance relationships and it may give you some tips and insight.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Many times even the most dedicated and mature couples have the same problem with the distance between them. It helps to put the past behind you and work on bonding better thru communications, but I seriously suspect your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you.

You mean let she me allow her to continue to have fun with her boyfriend.

[taoplr]

I use to be with her every 6 months for 20 to 30 days depend on the leave santioned by company. I am 44 years and she is 36 years old. she in India and I am presently in U.A.E. My company do not provide family accommodation to bring her. When I am there almost all days we will have except the her period days. We really have good sex when we stay together and we enjoy as much as possible. She never wants to discuss much about the relationship with her boyfriend. When I ask some thing she use to say, that chapter is closed and let us forget it. Her mother will not tell to my parents or to any body else since the mistake is done by her daughter. My problem is I can not keep my wife with me continuously. There are many reasons, my daughter is studing in high school, my perents needs some one's help there and I have some properties there which has to be taken care by some one. So if she is there atleast I can consider some one is there. Please let me have an advice from all of you.

Thank you, Santimohan, for these answers. One question you did not address is, For how much longer will you work away from home? Years? Months? Your answer will determine whether a solution needs to be long-term or short-term. Once you find a way to be home most of the time, you will have solved this problem.

Now I can see that she can't come with you: your parents, daughter, and properties all need her attention. If you are going to continue this work arrangement in the UAE for a long time, you need to create a sustainable arrangement that focuses her attention for years at a time. From what you say, your relationship is good when you are home, so the solution is not in changing your behavior or the interactions between you and her. But part of the solution rests in the agreements you have with her about what she does while you are away.

I agree with Talaniman, that "your wife needs to be happy having good clean fun, and having her own life, and activities, and hobbies, without you." I don't know how much freedom she has to choose what she does—this is a cultural issue—but being busy with her true interests can help. If she only does what she is obligated to do day after day, and only has permission to entertain herself with meaningless things, one can expect her mind to wander. It doesn't have to wander far to find someone interested in sex. If she feels resentment because she is putting in a lot of time helping your parents, but not getting along with them, plus raising your daughter, she will want an escape. Sex is always an easy escape.

So, what interests her? Did she like her last job, or was it just work? Does she dream of doing something that she has not been able to do? Does your culture permit her to explore jobs or businesses or arts that attract her, or, is she restricted from making this sort of decision? Most important, since you are her husband, do you support her in finding an artistic or work path that will fulfill her in ways that she has not yet experienced?

Ideally, she will be busy with activities that are important to her, spiritually and mentally engaging for her, and physically healthy for her. Although the experience she had with her job led her to meet the man who became her boyfriend, interacting with other men and women in a work setting can be good for her.

She has to grow. If you are going to be away for six months at a time, she has to become good at being around men without seeking comfort from any of them. She has to keep her loneliness private, and keep herself for you. Every working person who is married experiences something of this. It is an essential discipline. To be faithful to you over these long intervals, while losing nothing meaningful for her own needs, she has to become more powerful as a human being.

You have to grow, too. It is not easy to let go of one's spouse and wholeheartedly give the freedom to change without feeling fear, loss of control (In reality, control of another person is an illusion), and insecurity. You might come home to find a new person whom you don't know any more, and feel the challenge of learning who she is. It could be confusing and it could be wonderful and exciting, but you can't know in advance.

If you see the wisdom in this, and the irony—that one way to get her to be faithful to you is to take the risk of giving her more freedom—then your conversations with her will be gentle explorations of her dreams. If you think, on the other hand, that imposing tighter restrictions on her is the answer, then your conversations will be about that.

After reading all the above, what are your thoughts?


Tao

[santimohan]

After reading I am still in confusion what to do. I will wait and see. You are telling to give more freedom which I had given to her, but she had an affair to some one, who is not known to me or not working with her. Still I am not putting any restrictions. As you told she need some one who understand her and speak nicely in my absence.

[taoplr]

After reading I am still in confusion what to do. I will wait and see. You are telling to give more freedom which I had given to her, but she had an affair to some one, who is not known to me or not working with her. Still I am not putting any restrictions. As you told she need some one who understand her and speak nicely in my absence.

I am sorry. I have not been clear.

I am not telling you to give her more freedom to have an affair. I am saying that you need to help her grow. If you are going to be away from her for six months each time, she has to do things that mature and develop her while you are away. Tell me, please, if those words, "mature" and "develop" make sense to you.

Along with doing what she has to do—helping your parents, taking care of your daughter, and so on—she has to also be busy doing things that she wants to do. These are activities that attract her, that are good for her, that make her more mentally and spiritually full. If she does those things, she will grow inside. If she grows, and you are her partner in that, she can feel close to you when you are away. Does that make sense?

You can't restrict her into being faithful. Nobody succeeds at that. But you can give her your permission and support to learn new things: school, arts, a new job, whatever deeply interests her. That's what I mean by being her "partner" in growing.

You are not angry about her affair, and you are not jealous. That puts you in a good position to create a solution with her that works. You should be the one she comes to for strength, the person she thinks about when she is troubled. You are this person when you ask her what she dreams of becoming, you listen to what she says, you understand what she says, and you support her in becoming that. Then, while you are far away working, you will be close to her.

If this tells you what to do, good. If not, let me know and I will try another way.

Tao

[santimohan]

I am sorry. I have not been clear.

I am not telling you to give her more freedom to have an affair. I am saying that you need to help her grow. If you are going to be away from her for six months each time, she has to do things that mature and develop her while you are away. Tell me, please, if those words, "mature" and "develop" make sense to you.

Along with doing what she has to do—helping your parents, taking care of your daughter, and so on—she has to also be busy doing things that she wants to do. These are activities that attract her, that are good for her, that make her more mentally and spiritually full. If she does those things, she will grow inside. If she grows, and you are her partner in that, she can feel close to you when you are away. Does that make sense?

You can't restrict her into being faithful. Nobody succeeds at that. But you can give her your permission and support to learn new things: school, arts, a new job, whatever deeply interests her. That's what I mean by being her "partner" in growing.

You are not angry about her affair, and you are not jealous. That puts you in a good position to create a solution with her that works. You should be the one she comes to for strength, the person she thinks about when she is troubled. You are this person when you ask her what she dreams of becoming, you listen to what she says, you understand what she says, and you support her in becoming that. Then, while you are far away working, you will be close to her.

If this tells you what to do, good. If not, let me know and I will try another way.

tao

Latest developments.

My wife has come out with her boyfriend details which is the same person I had the information. Also now my parents also knew about it through some body. Now my wife is not going for job. Still I feel she is having contact with him which she may not able to avoid him so quickly as this relation was going since a long time. Now I do not want to restrict her. Also I stopped talking about this subject with her. Now I think she is not going for job and her boyfriend is not able to meet her freely, so he is coming near to my house and they meet by hiding my parents but some body has seen and they informed my parents. Now my parents are restricting her to go out for long time but they are not telling any thing to me. They think I do not knew about this and I should not get tense. What is your suggestion? What I should do to overcome the situation? Still I have good relation with my wife.

[N0help4u]

Basically you give her a him or me ultimatium and if she continues seeing him then that is the decision she made in the ultimatium.
Sounds like she should just come clean and tell you that she has chosen him over you

[taoplr]

Latest developments.

My wife has come out with her boyfriend details which is the same person I had the information. Also now my parents also knew about it through some body. Now my wife is not going for job. Still I feel she is having contact with him which she may not able to avoid him so quickly as this relation was going since a long time. Now I do not want to restrict her. Also I stopped talking about this subject with her. Now I think she is not going for job and her boyfriend is not able to meet her freely, so he is coming near to my house and they meet by hiding my parents but some body has seen and they informed my parents. Now my parents are restricting her to go out for long time but they are not telling any thing to me. They think I do not knew about this and I should not get tense. What is your suggestion? What I should do to overcome the situation? Still I have good relation with my wife.

When will you be home again?

I have suggested that you help her grow. But you haven't told me if you understand that and can do that.

If you still have a good relationship with her explain to her that she must stop seeing this man and look into herself.


Tao

[santimohan]

When will you be home again?

I have suggested that you help her grow. But you haven't told me if you understand that and can do that.

If you still have a good relationship with her explain to her that she must stop seeing this man and look into herself.


tao

I will go home after 4 months. I have already explained and she has accepted that she will not continue the friendship. Recently she has sent me mail stating the details of the person which I had asked before and that time was not informed to me but I was knowing the fellow which I checked with telephone department through his telephone number. I know this person but do not knew any details. She is not meeting him but he must be trying to meet her and she may not be able to avoid him. Since they had a relation and she may be in fear that, this person may tell some body else about their relation. But my wife says they do not have any relation now. She has informed about the details only because she felt it should inform to me. My relationship with my wife is still good. I talk to her daily two times and sending mails daily. I have fear my parents will trouble her and she should not do something. Her last statement is "she never had any bad relation with him and if I do not belive she is ready to leave me". I said I am fully believe you and I do not want to leave you. I am always giving moral support and I do not want loose her even she keep the relation with him. I love that much her.

[jenniepepsi]

I think its time for you to find a daily job, in which you work during the day and are home at night (or the other way around, which ever you like better)

She may NOT be cheating on you. However, she DOES need you home. A woman needs her husband around to help keep her together, and keep her on the right track. Not to restrict her, or take freedoms away, but to guide, and nurture, and protect. Keeping a wife out of mischief IS a type of protection. And it's a huge responsibility on a man. But it must be done.

[taoplr]

I will go home after 4 months. I have already explained and she has accepted that she will not continue the friendship. Recently she has sent me mail stating the details of the person which I had asked before and that time was not informed to me but I was knowing the fellow which I checked with telephone department through his telephone number. I know this person but do not knew any details. She is not meeting him but he must be trying to meet her and she may not be able to avoid him. Since they had a relation and she may be in fear that, this person may tell some body else about their relation. But my wife says they do not have any relation now. She has informed about the details only because she felt it should inform to me. My relationship with my wife is still good. I talk to her daily two times and sending mails daily. I have fear my parents will trouble her and she should not do some thing. Her last statement is "she never had any bad relation with him and if I do not belive she is ready to leave me". I said I am fully belive you and I do not want to leave you. I am always giving moral support and I do not want loose her even she keep the relation with him. I love that much her.

So you love her very deeply. Keep talking with her every day as you are doing. Make sure that you listen to her well and understand her. One big reason for her to have a friendship with this man might be that she felt that she had no one to talk with who understood her. Maybe you understand her, but she might not know it. And maybe you think you understand her, but you could understand her better. I think you are doing a good job of communicating, but maybe it could be better.

If he is trying to meet her and she is having trouble avoiding him, is there someone at home who can talk to him? To tell him to stop? Since he is married, he doesn't want anyone to call him at his home and tell him to stop, as his family can find out. Maybe you can use that.

As long as you are away six months at a time, this will be a problem. You will have to manage it even if you are not there. Please re-read the advice I have given you about helping her grow as a person—not as a woman or as your wife, but just as a human being. If she is growing, and you are a source of her growth, she might be grateful enough to stay faithful to you.

Tao