[Wondergirl]

Ok, so maybe I need to convey this to her? I don't think she realizes this.

Have you mentioned NC to her?

[ATG 94]

Have you mentioned NC to her?

No, not yet.

[Wondergirl]

No, not yet.

Then she has no set boundaries. Of course she will keep contacting you.

If she does again, tell her with no other embellishment, "We need time away from each other. It's NC now between us for three months -- no IMing, no phone calls, no email, no texting. Good bye."

[ATG 94]

Threads merged


My post is lengthy, but I would appreciate your advice.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for roughly 2 years. We are both 24 and work at the same office. We were very serious with each other and had planned on moving in with each other in a few months. We had talked seriously about marriage, and about kids. Over the last six months, however, I had been noticing that things were different. Both of us would come home from work very tired, and at times she would not want to be intimate. She also bought a dog during this time. I loved the dog, but it changed our relationship quite a bit in that she was no longer able to come over to my house as easily, etc. Even though it made things more difficult, I adjusted and took it in stride.

Then, four months ago, she told me that she wanted 'space'. I have been in two long-term relationships prior to this, and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on how to deal with this kind of conversation. I also read this board quite a bit, and applied the useful advice I learned here. I immediately told her that she can have her space, but made it clear that this meant 100% NC. I assumed that we were done. After about two weeks of NC, she got back in touch with me and we went to dinner and she said that she wanted to give us another try. I was willing, so we got back together.

Things were going well after we got back together, until about a month ago. I began to notice what can only be described as a general lack of effort on her part. I began to feel like I was always the one calling her, or proposing things for us to do. She began to go out drinking more with her friends. I have no problem with this, as I like to go out with my friends as well, but what started bothering me was that she would no longer call when she came home. Before, she would call each night when she got home, no matter how drunk she was. There were several times where I told her that it bothered me that she did that, and she said she understood and that it would bother her as well. Still, she didn't change the behaviour.

Last week, I put my theory (that I was the only one putting the effort in) to the test, and didn't make an effort to contact her at all during the day. To my surprise, she didn't contact me once. The next day, I called her and told her I was extremely unhappy with how things were, told her I felt like I was in a one-sided relationship and that I didn't want to be in one like that. She replied that she understood, and that maybe she wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now.

Again, I assumed that it was over. She wrote me saying she was upset, she misses me and loves me, but she feels like this is what's best for right now. I wrote her back and said that I agreed with her, and that she shouldn't think that I am angry because I am not responding. I said that the NC is for me, and that anything else (ie, being friends) is unacceptable. She agreed. The difficult thing is that since we work together, we see each other all of the time. While we don't work directly together, we are in the same building and I always seem to pass her in the hallways, etc. I'm still unsure how to act in this environment.

Today, it's been one week on NC. We met today briefly and talked a bit about us. She said that she there were times when she wanted to pick up the phone and call, but she also said that she "felt like she needed this" and that she "understands the NC". I took these comments to mean that we are done.

Anyway, I just wanted to hear the board's opinions on my situation. I'd like to think that by now, I'm a seasoned dating veteran, and I know that NC is the way to go. This time is especially hard because I was convinced I had found 'the one'. I'm going to work through this and move on, but I can't help but want this to have a future later down the road. Thanks all for reading - it's been therapeutic to just type all this out.

[N0help4u]

My guess is she feels you are too either/or, black or white, this is it or else. Like a night goes by without her calling and you feel the relationship is doomed.
Usually it is the other way around the girl wants to hear from the guy every day while the guy feels that it should be okay to have their space and not worry that it means the relationship is going down hill.
Also I noticed in what you wrote that you were calling all the shots saying maybe we need a break, you didn't call, etc...
You haven't said anything about her side of things.
So also my guess is that she feels she can't have her say on things because she notices you assume too much and she just goes along with it and takes the relationship somewhat for granted.
Maybe a better approach would be ask her exactly where she sees the relationship as it is and where she would like to see changes and improvements.
With you saying we are going to have NO Contact, the way you seem to be going about it, seems to me that it is like a testing game where you are dangling the carrot to see if she bites.
She may feel this No Contact on again off again is crazy and could be the very thing that could drive her away.

I don't think you are controlling but you seem to be more the type that needs to analyze everything and figure out a way to make it work rather than just going with the flow and accepting things where ever they go.

You might be better off just loosening up and not giving her expectations, this is the way it is going to be or else and time limits. Rather than you not calling her to see if she calls and then telling her you are going into no contact because she didn't call try just being open to when she calls she calls and when she doesn't she doesn't. If she calls then you know she still does care.

[N0help4u]

Okay I went to submit my reply and it had been added to your feb post. So I am more sure about what I said.
Now is this girl the same as the ex you are talking about in your feb post?

From what I gather you are using NC as a cat and mouse game and she is waiting ON YOU to see if you are going to take your relationship in a real direction and if not she may feel she has to work on giving up.

I am sure that your using NC is doing your relationship harm because it is being used like a game that she may feel you are using to obligate her if she wants to be with you.

[talaniman]

Your biggest mistake, Your misguided use of NC. It's a healing tool, not a dating technique. For the record, you have never applied it at all, so stop thinking you have.

What you have really done is tried to manipulate her behavior, to get what you want, instead of doing the mature thing, and worked together thru honest communications to resolve your issues, to the benefit of you both.

The time for NC, was in February when she first asked for space, not now while you are trying to work together.

Do that, and you may find out what it takes to be happy with each other.

[ATG 94]

Thanks for the input. This is the same girl from my Feb post.

Are you guys of the opinion that I should try to work through these issues even though she has said she agrees that we need a break? She has also said that she doesn't think she needs a boyfriend right now.

[N0help4u]

If you want to have her as your girlfriend you need to quit using the break and NC on her. Tell her you realize you have been doing some things wrong and would like to discuss your relationship and how to get it on the right track. Then let her tell you what she would like to see in the relationship and how she would like things to be.
Tell her you can do the break if that is what she wants and in the meantime you are going to work on where you have been going wrong. Ask her for her insight on what you should do different.

Usually 'I don't want a boyfriend, I need a break' is a polite way to let you down easy. So you need to have a heart felt talk with her without the games and let her do most of the talking. Tell her she can tell you what you are doing wrong and you are willing to change those things. After all it would be better than losing her right?

[talaniman]

she has said she agrees that we need a break? She has also said that she doesn't think she needs a boyfriend right now.

Doesn't matter what we think, what do you think? You know her a lot better than we do. I think she is reacting to the way you express yourself to her, but can't be sure.

[N0help4u]

Doesn't matter what we think, what do you think?? You know her a lot better than we do. I think she is reacting to the way you express yourself to her, but can't be sure.

Exactly what I think she is in reaction mode to his behavior.

[ATG 94]

All right guys, a little update on my situation. I'm starting to realize that the last month or so of our relationship, she really started to grow distant. It's amazing how NC can help you reflect on things with a bit of a clearer head. I still really miss what we had, and love her a lot, but I am coming to realize that all the memories and things I miss about us were from before things started to go south.

I've read some other threads, and found similarities to my situation. The last time we spoke, my ex said that she "felt tied down" and that she "shouldn't be in a serious relationship" if she felt that way. As much as I want to think that she just needs some space, everything I've heard indicates that this could be utterly over.

I've been in NC for close to 2 weeks now. I have to see her every day at work, and it really makes things hard. I find myself constantly wondering what she is thinking when she sees me, if she misses me, etc. Sometimes I think about calling one of her friends, just to get an idea of what she is thinking, but I know this is a mistake. I know that NC is about moving on for myself, and I honestly think I would be making a lot more progress if I didn't see her everyday. Sometimes the urge to reach out to her is almost unbearable, but I keep thinking that I will feel worse if I do.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Justwantfair]

You are right, seeing her every day is hurting your progress.

Are you ready and willing to seek new employment?

[ATG 94]

To be honest, I'm not. The job I have is fantastic and it is my career of choice, and I would not consider leaving because of her.

Emotionally, it sucks though.

[Justwantfair]

Then I guess it's 'Suck it up, buttercup' time. ;)

Things will continue to get easier. Just avoid as much as possible and pray she gets another job opportunity.

Next time rethink dating a co-worker unless you are willing to leave your job. :)

[ATG 94]

Yeah, before we met I would never think of dating a co-worker. In fact, it was one of my personal rules.

However, I sort of became convinced that she was perfect, we would get married, etc. so in my mind this risk was non-existent.

Another question - I'm trying to be polite when we pass in the halls, with just a smile and a "hey", like I would with any other co-worker. Does this count as violating my NC? It's kind of unavoidable, I feel.

[Justwantfair]

I would be cordial, but I wouldn't go out of my way to do it, if necessary, nod with a smile in passing, but I personally I would be doing more of the floor scoping.

Only do what you are comfortable doing and be wary of opening doors that you have already worked so hard to close.

[talaniman]

ATG 94, Yeah, before we met I would never think of dating a co-worker. In fact, it was one of my personal rules.

You took a risk, it didn't work. You have a good reason to stick to your own rules now. Hard life lesson.

However, I sort of became convinced that she was perfect, we would get married, etc. so in my mind this risk was non-existent.

Love, or intense feeling do that sometimes and if it had worked out we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd be on cloud nine. But sadly it didn't work, so you regroup, and make adjustments.

Another question - I'm trying to be polite when we pass in the halls, with just a smile and a "hey", like I would with any other co-worker. Does this count as violating my NC? It's kind of unavoidable, I feel

No its not a violation at all, and is exactly how your supposed to act in my view. Don't beat yourself up about it, and be patient with yourself, and as your recovery moves along, and you start having fun and get happy with your life, she will just be a pleasant PAST memory.

Your doing better than you think just build on it, one day at a time.

[ATG 94]

All right guys, I broke.

I had been going well for so long, but after the weekend I missed her so bad. I saw her on the way to work and I couldn't take it anymore - I had to talk to her. I didn't bring us up at all, we just caught up about really mundane things. It was amiable on both sides.

I know this was a mistake, and I feel like I shouldn't have done it. I guess it proves to me I have a long way to go. I still miss her so much, I just wish I had some indication as to what she is feeling.

[talaniman]

Be careful what you ask for, as it might not be what you want to hear.