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none12345 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:29 PM

Honesty is the key. You want both and that you can't have. You will have to come clean with your boyfriend and tell him you want to explore other possibilities, not tell him you need a break and keep him hanging. If you love him as you claim, you will tell him the truth because God dammit he does whether you like it or not.

Sherin333 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:35 PM

If I tell him the truth then he will not ever want me back. :mad:

none12345 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:47 PM

Originally Posted by Sherin333

If I tell him the truth then he will not ever want me back. :mad:

Than you are being selfish don't you think?

There is no selfishness in love.

Ultimately it has to be one or the other and the other deserves to know the complete truth instead of being kept in the dark.

scott_1976 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by Sherin333

If I tell him the truth then he will not ever want me back. :mad:

My current wife had me and another guy going after her the first time around. SHE CHOSE HIM! She later told me she chose him because he was older than me and settled and had a good job and she thought that she had to give her kids some security. None of that mattered when I saw her again so many years later! I thought I had lost her forever but now I hold her in my arms every night and wake up to her smile everyday! Life will surprise you! :D

Jake2008 · Jun 8, 2009, 09:02 PM

I don't see what good can come of this confusion, for any of the parties involved, or to be involved in some 'capacity'.

After making the commitment to your boyfriend, and having had the courage to try again, and have some success, it is still not enough in my opinion, to take the last step, and fully commit to him.

The co-worker that you are attracted to is what it is. You are attracted to him, and perhaps nature is telling you simply that you are not ready to settle down with one person.

I would agree that it is important for you to recognize that while you are having what is essentially second thoughts about your relationship with your boyfriend, you owe it to him to tell him you are not as ready as you thought to have a serious, long term relationship.

You have done nothing wrong. You don't owe anybody an explanation. But in all honesty, is the relationship really going to work with your boyfriend?

I don't think the issue is how to settle feelings for one man or the other.

The problem is, you need to explore your independence, and be free from commitment so you can take a step back, recover from one relationship, before you jump into another one.

Try not to jump from the fire into the frying pan.

cozyk · Jun 8, 2009, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Then you need to leave this guy alone, stay away from him and focus on your relationship with your boyfriend.
It could be a crush it could be something more, but you have to be honest with yourself and be honest with your boyfriend.
Don't play around with matches they can ignite and you could get burned.

And, it won't burn only you. It burns people all around you.

cozyk · Jun 8, 2009, 09:46 PM

I think I know what you are feeling. Your current boyfriend has you feeling very secure. Not a lot of challenge there. You meet this new guy and there is a spark. You both feel it. It is exciting and you look forward to seeing each other. The fact that you know inside that you have a bit of power over this new person just fans the flame. Power is so toxicating. You are feeling the rush from it. There is only ONE way to go forward with the new guy and this is it.

Honesty. If you want to pursue this spark, you have to tell your boyfriend that you are having conflicting feelings. That you love him but you find that you are having feelings that you don't think you should. You need time to explore this.

You can't help how you feel. He could just as possibly have the same experience with some other woman. It happens.

Now, he may react one of several ways and this is the chance you take if you want to pursue this co worker. He may be sad, heartbroken, but wait on you. Or he might tell you where to go.
Or you might try bachelor number 2, the co-worker, it not be what you thought, go back to bachelor number 1, and find that he has found someone else. It's the risk you take.

But have integrity with what you do. No sneaking around. No white lies. No just trying to "be friends" but hide it from your boyfriend.
I don't think you two can be just friends. I've had it get out of hand and the fall out is horrible. Don't let it happen to you.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 8, 2009, 10:04 PM

A1 advice cozyk

griffers90 · Jun 9, 2009, 02:38 AM

Stay with your guy if you truly love him and he loves you it will take you years to find that again if you lose it. Even worse you may NEVER find it again. Like they've said there are loads of people I'm attracted to but I would never let it get in the way of a partnership. Just knock this on the head now before you start to cross boundaries a good rule for you to stick to is the:
LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH
Rule

Clarine · Jun 9, 2009, 02:40 AM

I think that is healthy. Because I think you really love ypur boyfriend.

snow124 · Jun 9, 2009, 06:07 AM

In case you're curious how your boyfriend might feel after all of this, I invite you to read about what happened to me several months ago, when a girl I was with for three years decided on a break to be with someone she met at work:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-303020.html

If you tell him you need a break for any other reason than to see if things are better with another man, you are doing him a disservice. Lying by omission. Rest assured, he WILL be heartbroken. As my ex found out, the grass is not greener on the other side.

Think long and hard about what you have with your boyfriend. Don't mistake stability for complacency, and don't mistake superficial knowledge about your coworker gleaned through working together a couple of times as any indication of his character.

slapshot_oi · Jun 9, 2009, 06:29 AM

I don't know what else to tell you other than this is life. You will always be tempted to do things you shouldn't, and if you do give in, know that it isn't always terrible because making a bad choice and suffering the consequence is how people learn, rarely does anyone learn by doing things the right way. This isn't the last guy you'll be thinking about while in the midst of a relationship, but realize if you seize every opportunity with every guy that looks at you just the right way, you'll never settle down with anyone.

So yeah, to answer your original question, this is natural.

Sherin333 · Jun 9, 2009, 02:06 PM

Thank you everyone for your advice. I need this support right now as most of my friends really love my boyfriend. As for what Im going to do, is probably stay with my boyfriend and work on what we have. It is a good thing we have, why change it! Thanks again xo

talaniman · Jun 9, 2009, 05:58 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...pe-277855.html

After the way you cried about the last break, you better stay where your at, since I doubt you could survive another break with him.

Sherin333 · Jun 9, 2009, 08:15 PM

I have changed a lot since then my friend, with help from many including you, of course. I never said I was perfect. These are feelings that I don't want and could live without. Everything I don't see in my boyfriend I see in my co worker. So I may not have coped well with the last situation, I learned and I am nothing like I used to be. The relationship is great I can't deny that, but these feelings I have for my co worker are relatively strong, again not something I have chosen.

friend4u178 · Jun 9, 2009, 08:19 PM

As we said in the beginning you can't choose the way you feel , but you can choose the actions you do with those feelings.

I think your choosing correctly , well done :)

talaniman · Jun 10, 2009, 05:10 AM

Life will be full of strong attractions to others. Its human. Acting on them would be crossing the lines of good behavior though, with consequences to pay.

You want to check someone else out? That's your business, but give up that great relationship you have and do so. Or else its cheating, lying , and deceiving.

Romefalls19 · Jun 10, 2009, 06:07 AM

The grass always looks greener on the other side if you stop taking care of your own lawn.

And I'm out

none12345 · Jun 10, 2009, 09:30 AM

Sometimes you don't know what you've got till its gone and by the time you've realized that its ll be too late to do anything about it.

Sometimes you only see the things you want to see but in reality its now how it turns out like you expected.

Sherin333 · Jun 10, 2009, 05:58 PM

Doesn't it mean something if I'm not only physically attracted to him. I mean he is not even my type of guy. Its just the conversations we have and the way I feel when Im around him. Is this not the time in my life where I should explore and find out what I want. Yes I understand that my boyfriend and I have gone through some rough times and have got through them but isn't better that I have these feelings now then when I am married. I don't want to have these feelings for my co worker but the summer is here and Im starting to work with him more and to be honest I look forward to working with him. Like my boyfriend works nights, he goes to the cottage EVERY weekend so besides me not seeing him very often, I work with someone who clearly likes me, has told me that he knows I have a boyfriend and doesn't want to get in the middle and says that he'll always be there for me. My boyfriend has never said these nice things to me. I just want these feelings to subside but I know once I work with him my feelings will return.