[enilorac]

Hi - I need to get some advice please.

I've been dating my boyfrined for 7 years!! We met via a text message! Believe it or NOT!
Anyway, we had a bit of an argument a few months ago and it was about his mother.
Who is controlling his life. And it is affecting US.

So, I said lets get a house together which is nearer his work, making the commute less, and saving on travel expenses.
Sensible right?

Well we began looking at places and it was all very exciting and I told my family I could be moving out in a year or so's time depending on how long it takes to find a house.


So I emailed him today, and he said that 'it upsets him DEEPLY to talk about this and we should talk soon'

So my natural reaction was (oh I was expecting this)
So I sat wiuth my mum and we had a good natter about his relationship with his mum and also with me.

As I'm being pushed out and she's wangled her way in.

My mum sais I should give him an ultimatum


Now- I don't see any future now. And I didn't want to hear this!
Though we don't live together and we see each other at weekends. Just recently our relationship has taken a strain since his dad fell ill.

His mother depends on him and he in turn feels guilty not being there to look after them.
Yet I've been monitoring him laterly and he literally wipes her bum for her, cares for her and him.
I'm not being jealous! I think they should allow him to take care of me- we should enjoy our lives together and he could move anywhere he wants with me.


But his mother has the upper hand on everything.

Right now- I feel semi- suicidal and need some desperate advice
I feel this weekend is going to be HEAVY. So really don't want to go up to see him... as I know it can only go one way- we split OR I talk him round and try to convince him that I'm his priority


(which is unreal... most blokes would move heaven and earth for a girlfriend wouldn't they?)


I know there is a 7 year itch but do you think he lucking out?


Please please :( I'm not crying - I'm stronger than that. :)

But I am at an all time low since reading he is DEEPLY upset to look for a house togetehr


*dont know whether to laugh or cry at that*


What should I say to him? I'm hopeless with talking. I always get upset or I get mad. And I KNOW il end up slagging off his mother in myt anger.



Please help


enilorac x

[Holly23]

So your with this guy, who's loves is mother,who carried him for nine months, then went through labor with him.Now her husband is ill and he needs a helping hand.But this women (you)is trying to take her son away,who believes he should move heaven and earth and YOU are his priority?Are you serious?Your asking him to choose him or his mother?? Would you choose him over your mother!Ha didn't think so!

[susangpyp]

It doesn't say that you KNOW that his mom is behind this, just that you think.

If they are struggling with a family illness they might not care whether you are taken care of (and I'm not saying they should either). His mom is depending him during a serious illness and the fact that he wants to be there for them is actually a point in his favor, don't you think? Is it possible to back off during this illness? You said your relationship became strained after his dad fell ill. Is it possible to put your stuff aside while his dad is sick? (I don't know how serious it is). Do you care that his dad is sick and the strain this could be having on the family?

When you say you are "monitoring" him... what does that mean?

What does "semi-suicidal" mean?

[enilorac]

That's a good point. Maybe I'm being inptient with him. And I should back off.

I think that I should maybe say to him that is 'ok' to do what he's doing (whilst his dads ill) . But how long is long. As long as his dads ill?

Well you ve actually raised a good point.

I think I will take this into consideration when I am talking with him
:)

[Wondergirl]

His father is ill and his mother depends on him in all sorts of ways. Hmmmm. Haven't you ever heard that saying, that how a man treats his mother is how he will also treat his love?

Be patient (yes, I know it's maddening). Don't push him on the house idea right now. He has a lot on his plate--balancing his parents and still trying to keep you happy as best he can under the circumstances.

I suggest you use this time to carve out a space for yourself to read some books you have wanted to read, to learn a new hobby, to take a course at a school, to volunteer at an animal shelter or hospital or nursing home. Your time will be used productively and not in agonizing and being upset. Your man will see how maturely you are handling your life and your relationship with him.

I wish you success and fulfillment (from lorac).

[enilorac]

His father is ill and his mother depends on him in all sorts of ways. Hmmmm. Haven't you ever heard that saying, that how a man treats his mother is how he will also treat his love?

Be patient (yes, I know it's maddening). Don't push him on the house idea right now. He has a lot on his plate--balancing his parents and still trying to keep you happy as best he can under the circumstances.

I suggest you use this time to carve out a space for yourself to read some books you have wanted to read, to learn a new hobby, to take a course at a school, to volunteer at an animal shelter or hospital or nursing home. Your time will be used productively and not in agonizing and being upset. Your man will see how maturely you are handling your life and your relationship with him.

I wish you success and fulfillment (from lorac).

That is THE best bit of advice I have ever had from anyone.
*thankyou SO much x

[Gemini54]

I think that this is a great time to show him how supportive YOU can be. Sure his mother might be dominating, and that may be something you will have to deal with in the future, but clearly he has other things on his mind at the moment which take priority to moving in with you.

I think that this is also a really good time for you to learn to talk to him - I mean really think about what you want to say, control your tongue and curb your temper. In good relationships we don't always say what we immediately think and feel and I'm sure your BF will appreciate it if you approach the situation with maturity and restraint.

You can still let him know you're disappointed - but do it in the context that you understand he's got other priorities at the moment and that you want to support him through this difficult time. Sometimes when we care about someone we have to put our own needs and desires aside for a time and think about them instead.

I'm sure that if you give it some thought - and it doesn't need to be a drama - you can talk to him, let him know how you feel and your relationship will be stronger as a result.

[liz28]

Noody knows how long his dad is going ill so you need to stop being selfish and be more supportive--like the other members said.

Also, some how you come as being needy and very clingy towards your boyfriend. These qualities would only push him away.

Don't make this relationship your everything--it unhealthy. It is okay to have a life outside of your relationship-- is called balance.

I don't understand the rush for moving in and you should never have semi-sucidal thoughts if he doesn't--this is serious. I can shake the thought that your co-dependant on him and you need to check that.

[scott_1976]

I would say now is the time to back off and give him some space and definitely not the time to move in together! Do not try to make him chose between you and his mother, even if you win he will end up with huge resentment towards you! It does sound like the umbilical cord is very much intact though and that is something to consider for the future. Can you except the way he is, if not than you might need to really re-think things! Hope it all works out for you.