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jmooney527 · Jun 4, 2009, 12:14 PM

All right let me preface this by saying for the most part, I have a great relationship with an awesome guy. We've been dating for 1.5 years now and he's just awesome. We both have separate houses (we live 5 min from eachother) and often hang out every night or so. He has a few close friends who he tends to hang out with all the time, and lately I've been hanging out with them even when he's not around. He's starting to get a little frustrated with me because he likes "having his own friends". For some reason he thinks we're going to break up and have to "divide our friends" someday... which is somewhat disheartening but he tends to think more logically about things so I can see his point. He probably is a little insecure and thinks some of his really close friends will end up being better friends with me than him. I get it. So my first question would be- is it bad to be good friends with your bf/gf's friends, to the point where you hang out with them outside of your bf/gf sometimes?

Also, to relate to the above concern... I don't have a lot of close friends here... I'm not the type of person that has a lot of "aquaintences"... I like to have a few very close friends and that's it. 2 of my closest friends have left the area, so I'm down to one at the moment. This one friend is going through a rough time right now and hasn't really been in the "mood" to hang out and things of that nature. So I'm left to my own devices when it comes to spending "non-boyfriend" quality time. I've noticed I'm headed down a bad path and I always leave my options open when it comes to hanging out with my boyfriend. I always see if he wants to hang out, and if he doesn't I THEN try to figure out what I'm going to do... sounds pathetic, I know. We had a little argument the other day and he indicated that I'm "extra needy". The strange part is I've actually made more of an effort to do things on my own more often... I hang out at my house instead of his, we only spend the night together maybe 2-3 times a week, etc.

He thinks we spend too much time together and are attached to the hip. Frankly I don't see it. I enjoy hanging out with him, even if we're not doing anything besides watching TV together. I think he feels this enormous pressure to "entertain" me when I'm over there for some reason. I think my problem (I probably have more than one haha) is that I overthink everything and I'm trying too hard. I'm being too lax with myself and worrying too much about him... and I believe it's doing more harm than good because it probably makes me look insecure and weak in a way. I apologize for the novel haha.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... thanks!

slapshot_oi · Jun 4, 2009, 12:37 PM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

So my first question would be- is it bad to be good friends with ur bf/gf's friends, to the point where you hang out with them outside of your bf/gf sometimes?

It can be.

Some girl is doing this to me now, she even hung out at my apartment this past Monday when I wasn't even there. It's like I can't get away from her, and I feel if we break-up or whatever the inverse of what we are now happens, she'll still travel over 60 miles just to hang out with my friends and then I'll run into her unexpectedly.

It put so much stress on me on Monday that I haven't spoken to her since.

makapuu · Jun 4, 2009, 12:58 PM

Your relationship sounds like mine. My boyfriend and I have been deeply in love for the past 1.5 years, but have kept our separate residences. We love spending time together, even if it is doing nothing special. I think it is important in a relationship to keep your identity.
I think you should find your own circle of friends. Everyone needs someone to talk to. If you become friends with your bf's friends, one day they might have to take sides.

liz28 · Jun 4, 2009, 02:20 PM

Time for you get out and socialize.

You shouldn't be upset if he hangs out with his friends and/or without you. It is healthy to not make your relationship your life and have a life outside of your relationship.

Your neediness stems from you not have friends and this can quickly drown a relationship especially if you want the relationship to last and work.

So don't get upset if he hangs out with his friends or doesn't come around you every day. Take up a new hobby or join a group at Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com because they have a bunch of groups you can join in your town and is a good networking site to meet new friends.

Also, join a gym because you can meet friends there to. Just do something and don't make a big deal out of nothing.

sylvan_1998 · Jun 4, 2009, 02:45 PM

I agree with all that is said above... and so do you, from the way you posted. Which makes it really easy to answer and you agreeable to the solution.

But here is the real crux of this situation. It really does not matter what is "right" or 'wrong" here. It just matters what is working for him. And this much togetherness is not working for him.

In some relationships, it would be revered and wanted. So the question is to you... do you need to hang with him all the time for your happiness or can you be happy with what he is willing to give?

Again, I think you would be happier not being so co-dependant on him for your happiness. But, really in the big scheme of things... what matters is what you want and need.

Good luck!!

chuff · Jun 4, 2009, 02:48 PM

He is telling you he wants to have a life of his own so if you want to keep this relationship you need to give that to him. Find something you can focus on and get good at or be proud of and let him do this thing.

I wish · Jun 4, 2009, 03:08 PM

Just a few observations:

1) If he feels the need to constantly entertain you instead of just sitting around and feeling comfortable with each other's company, it definitely means he's insecure. He thinks that you might get bored of him one day. You really need to talk this part out with him.

2) If he's scared that you guys will divide friends if you break up, then he's already thinking about breaking up. He's extremely insecure about the future of your relationship. You definitely need to confront him.

3) Everyone makes friends. He can't tell you who you can be friends with. That would be controlling. He should be happy that you get along with his friends. Another insecurity that needs to be addressed.

4) Though he may have a lot of insecurities, I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror too, to see if there is anything that you are doing that makes him feel so insecure. If there's nothing, then it's his problem.

5) If you feel that his friends are the only friends that you can make, then you got to go out and make other new friends too. Listen to Liz's suggestions.

The bottom line is that you have to confront him and talk these issues out. Work on it together. Communication is key!

biversen · Jun 4, 2009, 09:24 PM

Well look at it from his perspective. I mean if he started hanging out with your friends without you, how would you feel? Of course you can be friends with his friends but he probably feels like he needs an outside life besides you. And as for you, try to meet some new people and that way you can have your alone time and friend time. Balance is always important. Good luck

teastalk · Jun 4, 2009, 09:49 PM

I would absolutely hate it if my boyfriend hung out with my friends without me. It would make me feel left out.

talaniman · Jun 7, 2009, 07:36 AM

I think its important that partners have a balanced life that they enjoy without their partners that makes them happy. Happiness can be shared in many ways, but misery, when shared pushes people away, and stops the fun.

jmooney527 · Jun 9, 2009, 05:57 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Just a few observations:

1) If he feels the need to constantly entertain you instead of just sitting around and feeling comfortable with each other's company, it definitely means he's insecure. He thinks that you might get bored of him one day. You really need to talk this part out with him.

2) If he's scared that you guys will divide friends if you break up, then he's already thinking about breaking up. He's extremely insecure about the future of your relationship. You definitely need to confront him.

3) Everyone makes friends. He can't tell you who you can be friends with. That would be controlling. He should be happy that you get along with his friends. Another insecurity that needs to be addressed.

4) Though he may have a lot of insecurities, I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror too, to see if there is anything that you are doing that makes him feel so insecure. If there's nothing, then it's his problem.

5) If you feel that his friends are the only friends that you can make, then you gotta go out and make other new friends too. Listen to Liz's suggestions.

The bottom line is that you have to confront him and talk these issues out. Work on it together. Communication is key!

Thanks for the advice... interesting perspective. I think his insecurities come from his ex... they dated for almost 6 years, lived together, and when things went sour they had the dividing of the furniture, etc and the division of friends. So I can understand how he might be a little cautious and trying to protect himself from this happening again. I realize it's not fair for me but I can also understand how this could affect someone. I don't think he is expecting to breakup, but given his past he could be "protecting" himself by trying to make his own life as stable as possible so that if we break up, he can continue living his life with minimal "recovery" this time. I think this is also why the "let's eventually move in together" talk has never happened either. I'm trying to think of a way to talk to him about these "insecurities", but he can be rather defensive at times... and rightfully so if someone started telling me I was insecure and started listing the reasons.

susangpyp · Jun 9, 2009, 06:24 AM

People with their own lives, interests and friends are interesting and fun to be around. They are always more attractive than those without. I always recommend that people in relationships continue to be their own person separate and apart from the relationship. It not only keeps you centered but makes you a more attractive person to just about everyone (lover, friends, colleagues). So it's not about what's good for him but it's good for you (and everyone else) to have a good, well-rounded life full of diverse and interesting people, things to do and interests and hobbies.

jmooney527 · Jun 9, 2009, 07:00 AM

Originally Posted by susangpyp

People with their own lives, interests and friends are interesting and fun to be around. They are always more attractive than those without. I always recommend that people in relationships continue to be their own person separate and apart from the relationship. It not only keeps you centered but makes you a more attractive person to just about everyone (lover, friends, colleagues). So it's not about what's good for him but it's good for you (and everyone else) to have a good, well-rounded life full of diverse and interesting people, things to do and interests and hobbies.

Thank you Susan, I appreciate your insight... as well as everyone else's :)

cozyk · Jun 9, 2009, 07:39 AM

I find myself doing this a lot now but here goes. I am posting this without reading any previous post first. I want to go with my initial reaction and not be swayed by other things I read.

I see a couple of things. One, you two are over thinking, over talking, and over analyzing. Especially you. Anytime you find yourself making "calculated absences" it's gone from comfortable to awkward. Back off, relax, chill. I'm sensing desperation. He is too.

I think he is feeling crowded because even though he brought you into his circle of friends, he wants to remain the primary connection. When you hang with them, without him, it's encroaching on his turf. Have you even had a girlfriend, introduced her to another of your gf's and then, THEY hit it off, and you are left in the background. Happened to me in the 10th grade but I remember the feeling so well.

Give him some breathing room. Take some for yourself. Dive into your own interest. Don't "break up". Just basically have your own interests you are passionate about, let him have his, and then you come together together and share your worlds.
Don't just live off the remnants of his world. You can do this. Good luck.

cozyk · Jun 9, 2009, 07:50 AM

Amazing, I've now read all the other posts and so many of us are coming from the same place. Wise bunch maybe??

talaniman · Jun 9, 2009, 07:58 AM

By cozyk,
Don't just live off the remnants of his world.

Very well said, and right on the money. So much more fun to have a life that you enjoy without a partner.

Originally Posted by susangpyp

People with their own lives, interests and friends are interesting and fun to be around. They are always more attractive than those without.

What a healthy perspective, to have. Be happy with yourself, and people will want to share it with you. That's a good way to deal with your own issues and have enough empathy to give someone the space to deal with theirs.

88sunflower · Jun 9, 2009, 08:08 AM

Well as far as hanging out with his friends I don't think that's a wise idea unless your willing to back away if you do break up. Being with your boyfriend and hanging with his friends when he isn't around might be smothering to him. I mean think about it, in a sense your always there. Its great his friends like you and get along with you but there should be those boundries.
I have a similar situation in my life. My husband and I hang with this other couple and over the years I have just grown closer to the other guy. For no reason other then we like to talk, drink and be stupid together. We email a lot and instant message often. But when I had marriage problems it put him in the middle and he felt like he had to choose. He always said he understood my feelings in the marriage "but" he was friends with my husband to. It made it hard but we have found that common area now anyway and its cool.

jmooney527 · Jun 9, 2009, 09:05 AM

I totally agree with you. I just don't understand why there has to be these "boundaries" just because your boyfriend was friends with them first. I have to keep my distance with his friends because they were "his" to begin with just seems a little trivial. I'm not disagreeing with anyone I'm just trying to get some reaction off that notion. It's like having certain ownership with friends, and just because they were his first I have to purposely be standoffish if one of them were to ask me to go do something.

I can understand how it might make him feel if the roles were reversed, but wouldn't that be something for me to get over? If he ended up becoming better friends with my friend, that just means they have more compatibility as far as friendship goes. If I get angry or jealous, isn't that a negative reflection of me?

talaniman · Jun 9, 2009, 10:15 AM

I just don't understand why there has to be these "boundaries" just because your boyfriend was friends with them first. I have to keep my distance with his friends because they were "his" to begin with just seems a little trivial.

I think a healthy distance within boundaries is highly appropriate in regard to his friends, as doing them a favor, or having fun with them, is quite different than bringing his friends into your personal life, and putting them in a position to take sides between you and him. Its so unfair to expect them to support you both equally, or even be involved at that level. Your catching them in the middle of a difficult situation.

I can understand how it might make him feel if the roles were reversed, but wouldn't that be something for me to get over?

How would you get over your friend that you vent to, also having to hear your boyfriend vent to them also? Is that fair to expect your friend to be in the middle of the two of you?

Put yourself in the position of the friends, not the boyfriend. I think that's why its so important to have a life you enjoy without your partner, so the boundaries of good behavior are not blurred.

88sunflower · Jun 9, 2009, 10:24 AM

I don't think there has to be bounderies in sense his friends/my friends and that's that. But I think its great if they think you're a cool enough girl to hang with alone. But its going to put a strain on the relationship. Eventually what if feelings form? Don't say it won't happen, it does. It's a natural thing sometimes. How would you like it seriously if he was hanging with one of your friends and you had a huge fight. You have him venting to her and then your venting to her. How does that make her feel? She is going to be drawn to one side over the other. Maybe she won't want to but again, it's a natural thing. If it works for you guys great, then so be it. But if he isn't comfortable with it then don't do it. Leave him that personal space. Which means back away and make your own friends.