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papili · May 29, 2009, 12:22 AM

This is going to be a long story, but I hope it will help you answer my question.

I have been with this guy for 4 years now. He is sort of my first love. But I have known him for a longer time because before we started dating, he was my best friend. He still is my best friend. I know most of his family(extended family) and he mine. Everyone is waiting for us to announce when we are getting married. To be honest, it has been a long wait for the right time to get married. We are both in our mid twenties. We have made plans of our future and the only thing that stood in the way was because I wanted to finish college and secure a job before marrying him. He has been patient with me and now I have a job, but the thing is, I don't want to get married now.

It has been a long journey for us both and while in college, we started fighting a lot because my studies were demanding a lot of time and I had little time for him. We started falling further and further apart. It reached a point, that he was so mad at me, and we weren't in speaking terms. That's when I met this other guy. We started as friends. He was there with me during the time I was hurting because of my boyfriend. Before I realized, we had started dating. So am sort of dating 2 guys at the same time. More like cheating on them. This new guy is the one am physically attracted to at the moment. I stopped making out with the old boyfriend long before I started seeing this new guy. I think I just lost interest. Now I just make out with this new guy, yet I feel he lacks a lot of what I would want for a husband. Maybe I compare him to my old boyfriend. My old boyfriend is the kind of guy you would like to get old with.

Now I refuse to get married, we have tried breaking up but we get back together in less than a week with this old boyfriend. I didn't think this new one would fall for me like he has. He is serious, tried breaking the relationship but he is willing to look beyond our problems and he wants me, though he doent know my old boyfriend is still in the picture. I don't know what to do. Don't want to hurt any of them, because I love them both. Maybe not in the same way, but love them nevertheless. But time is running out. I know am not in high school where I can have as many men as I want. I need to settle down. But I wonder, if I marry the old boyfriend, yet already I feel am not physically attracted to him that much nowadays, how will our sex life be? Right now I loose interest in him and just pretend. When he wants to make out. But I don't enjoy it, as much as the new one. This lack of interest in the old boyfriend came about way, before this new one came around. So I know for a fact, my new boyfriend has little to do with my lack of interest in the old boyfriend.

Idont want to get married just because its time to do that, but am wondering where my life is headed. I know am wrong to date them both, but I also want out of all that. Yet I don't know what to do.

If you get my drift and if you have been patient enogh to read my story, kindly share your views with me.and maybe let me know how I can help myself

N0help4u · May 29, 2009, 06:22 AM

You may not want to hurt anybody but it is inevidible that you HAVE to do something.
Otherwise how long do you think this should or would go on if you don't. So why put it off?

It is never a healthy relationship to stay with somebody because you can't bring yourself to break up with him. You should tell him that you started talking with your old boyfriend and you want to get back with him.

I wish · May 29, 2009, 06:48 AM

You shouldn't be with either guys.

You stopped having feelings for your old boyfriend a while ago. You just dragged it out. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. It's time to end it.

As for the new guy, you don't really like him either. Basically, you just took the best qualities of both guys and combined it in your mind. It doesn't work that way. You should treat these guys fairly and end it with both of them.

You have plenty of issues to sort out yourself. You seem very confused about what you want. Combining 2, 3, 4 guys into a perfect guy is not the way to go. You will never be happy with anyone, because no one is perfect.

It's time to be single to figure things out. Realize that no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean you go find someone else to complete their flaws to form a perfect guy in your mind.

N0help4u · May 29, 2009, 06:52 AM

Have to spread the rep
Yeah she shouldn't be with either guy until she knows what she wants.

talaniman · May 29, 2009, 07:42 AM

Your not ready for marriage, that's very plain to see, and nothing wrong with that.

What's screwed up is, your not very honest with yourself, and what you really want, and are very dishonest with both these guys.

Start with the truth, and work from there.

N0help4u · May 29, 2009, 08:10 AM

And to answer Am I falling out of love?

I'd say you weren't ever IN love with the second guy and probably not with the previous guy either.

Romefalls19 · May 29, 2009, 08:24 AM

Love is about being with one person, you are with two. So you haven't fallen out of love but rather never knew what it was to begin with. Possibly infatuation, sure, but love this is not.

Leave both guys alone, you are a cheating and deceitful person. Take time to find yourself again.

liz28 · May 29, 2009, 08:38 AM

Yes, it is easy to fall out of love with someone when you choose to get involve with someone else and that person grabs all of your attention.

Your hurting your boyfriend and I wonder why he haven't pick up on your cheating ways.

If you have any morals and respect for yourself and your relationship with your long term boyfriend you would have broke up with him before you went off and starting something with someone else. But you didn't instead you strung him along and made him part of your game and threw him into a triangle because you found someone else more attracted, please.

It isn't uncommon for two people to grow apart but it isn't the situation here. You didn't work this relationship to work because of the other guy and that makes you more wrong.

Time for you to be honest and come clean and go run off into the sunset with the other guy. Know that the grass isn't always greener of the other side and Karma will catch up to you.

In the meantime marry no one!

Btw, to answer your question "are you falling out of love", are you serious? You tell me?

papili · Jun 3, 2009, 12:36 AM

I have beaten myself up over and over again before I posted this thing. And you know what I discovered? That I haven't helped myself one bit by doing that. And I thought if I shared this with someone, maybe I might get the help that I need. I already know I am being unfair to both guys. And am not proud of it. I mentioned that earlier didn't I? So what am here for is help. So please, don't crucify me any more than I have done myself I need to know how to get out of this situation. I don't want to be in it. Am not preaching gospel here and bragging about how much a player I am.

So please, instead of telling what an I am, give me help. Some of you mentioned that I need to be alone. That's a start. Lets start from there. So should I break up with them first? Tell them that I need time alone? What reason would I give them because I can't tell them the truth. They will think they have done something wrong.so what should I do? I really want out of this hole. Am not proud of what I have done, but am willing to correct my mistakes. So please send some positive responses, as I said I don't need to crucify myself any further. So don't tell me how bad I am. I already know that. Tell me something I don't really know.

Gemini54 · Jun 3, 2009, 12:54 AM

Originally Posted by papili

so please, instead of telling what an i am, give me help. some of you mentioned that i need to be alone. thats a start. lets start from there. so should i break up with them first? tell them that i need time alone? what reason would i give them coz i can't tell them the truth. they will think they have done something wrong.so what should i do? i really want out of this hole. am not proud of what i have done, but am willing to correct my mistakes. so please send some positive responses, as i said i dont need to crucify myself any further. so dont tell me how bad i am. i already know that. tell me something i dont really know.

Sorry papili, but there is no EASY way to do this.

You need to be honest with yourself first - you have deceived both guys and you're deceiving yourself if you think you can get out of it easily without hurting anyone.

You have to tell them the truth.

It's time to grow up and face what you've done - which, granted, was probably done thoughtlessly rather that maliciously.

No one can tell you what to say to make things better. The way to 'correct your mistakes' is to take a deep breath and be honest. It will be hard. It might be horrible. They may well hate you. But, it's the decent and honorable thing to do.

Tell BF no 1 you don't want to marry him because you're not ready, tell BF no 2 that you don't want to see him anymore. It's up to you whether you want to reveal the infidelity, but it may well come out in the end.

It's also the decent and honorable thing to do for yourself - to be mature and accept responsibility for your actions.

Good luck.

papili · Jun 3, 2009, 03:08 AM

Thank you for seeing beyond this cancer.me and BF1 are still friends but he said he wants me 2b ready for marriage so this is good. Meanwhile BF2 was just a mistake to begin with, though I do care deeply about him, we fight a lot.still, its not my wish to hurt him but I will have to figure out how to end things. Thanks for your help.

makapuu · Jun 5, 2009, 05:17 PM

Honesty is the best policy. Discuss what marriage means to you with your bfs, and tell them that you do not want to get married now. It's up to them how they take it. Sometimes the truth hurts. No pain, no gain.

Gemini54 · Jun 5, 2009, 06:16 PM

Originally Posted by papili

thank you for seeing beyond this cancer.me and BF1 are still friends but he said he wants me 2b ready for marriage so this is good. meanwhile BF2 was just a mistake to begin with, though i do care deeply about him, we fight alot.still, its not my wish to hurt him but i will have to figure out how to end things. thanks for your help.

Just a suggestion - marriage is one aspect of our lives.

Don't view everything through the prism of 'suitability for marriage'. It's restrictive and reduces the choices that you make in your life.

The world is a big place - much bigger than 2 BF's - one of whom wants you to be ready for marriage. This may be flattering and reassuring, but it may not be the right thing for you.

Ask yourself what do you want - what you really want.

papili · Jun 12, 2009, 04:20 AM

Hi, before we even go far, let me just warn you that this might be long but its just because I need to explain it fully and give examples. Please don't get bored.

I have been seeing this guy for like 4 years now. We all have our differences and mistakes. And I believe the longer you are with someone, the deeper you know them. Right? Please tell me if I am unreasonable...

A few times he has comented that am the worst person who can't do favours for anyone(or maybe just him) this I totally refused because I do a lot of favours for him. Picture this: you both come from work at the same time, tired and hungry.(I don't live with him. I just visit a few times) then there's a knock on the door. He is much closer to the door than I am. So who should open?(Hope your answer was him). So he asks me to please open the door because he is tired,to which I refuse because am equally as tired and he is much closer to the door anyway. So this is the kind of favour he refers to. That I am very difficult and refuse to do stuff for him.meaning small favours like that.

So one night we are casually having this conversation. No hard feelings just casual talk about my situation. Then he goes on ahead and mentions that his friends(one male and female) goes that extra mile than me. That they would come see him at home when he is sick and attend to him or maybe pay some bills for him. I ask him, "are you saying that i dont do such things for you?" then he replies that yes,such things I do, its just the small favours that I don't do.

What upset me is that he compared something like opening the door to attending to him when he is sick. (like I never do that for him). And even worse, using his close friends as an example.

Then he says that he even asked his friends whether he is terrible at doing a favour for them, to which they replied he is good at it. These people know him to a certain extent, they don't know who he is when at home or when living with him. Yet he expects them to have the same views as me. I know for a fact, that he is bad at doing these small things for me as well. His friends, the one he is talking about wouldn't do the same "small favours" for him also. I know them. It's the serious stuff that they do. I also do the serious stuff. Yet he compares those stuff to my "bad behaviour"

Am I that bad? What could be the problem here? Please help.

I wish · Jun 12, 2009, 05:14 AM

It sounds extremely petty to me. Though these may seem like very small issues, it could be the beginning of something worse. At least you guys are laying out the problems. Just keep working at it to figure it out. Continue the communication and both of you need to start compromising. I'm sure neither of you are as innocent as you say you are. Both of you can definitely put more effort.

If you don't see any progress, then it's time to let each other go, because if such small problems can linger for so long, then what happens when there are bigger problems?

papili · Jun 12, 2009, 05:40 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

It sounds extremely petty to me. Though these may seem like very small issues, it could be the beginning of something worse. At least you guys are laying out the problems. Just keep working at it to figure it out. Continue the communication and both of you need to start compromising. I'm sure neither of you are as innocent as you say you are. Both of you can definitely put more effort.

If you don't see any progress, then it's time to let each other go, because if such small problems can linger for so long, then what happens when there are bigger problems?

I know it sounds petty. Don't look at the example that I have given as the problem. That's not the problem. The problem is the comparison he makes between me and his friends, who don't know him as I do, and instead of asking me what I THINK OF HIM. He goes to ask his friends what THEY THINK OF HIM then come and tell that he now knows the problem is not him but me. I mean, people out there think you are a god/goddess. It's the one that's with you in the bedroom or at home that really know you. I am his girlfriend, not them. Why go ask them and not me what I think of hi? As you said, we always keep our lines open for any discussion between us. So communication is the least of our problem

I wish · Jun 12, 2009, 05:46 AM

When he goes to his friends, he's only telling his side of the story. So he can twist it any way he would like to make him look like the good guy. But let's not play the blame game.

It sounds to me that neither of you really like to compromise though. He must have his reasons for going to his friends and you have your reasons for coming into this forum. The two of you really need to sit down and sort it all out. Because these types of problems don't go away overnight.

talaniman · Jun 12, 2009, 08:29 AM

we always keep our lines open for any discussion between us. So communication is the least of our problem

Sorry to disagree, but communications are about talking AND listening, AND working together. Seems to me like there is no willingness to work together.

Clearly you have to have boundaries of good behavior between you, and you don't, and he has to see his own part of this problem, and he doesn't, that's why you have conflict, because he thinks this is all your fault.

This is not communications, its to one sided for that, because he listens to his friends, and not you. That's not good behavior, but you make it far worse by staying, and competing with his friends.

I see this as his problem he needs to solve, and make a decision to pay attention to you, and not them. Unless he does, your running into a brick wall. That's sad, but you can't control what he does. So the question is what do you want to do?

Me, I leave him, and let him ponder on his own problems without your influence, but your afraid of that outcome. He may not get back with you, because its all your fault any way.

talaniman · Jun 12, 2009, 08:38 AM

I have also read your other posts and frankly your problems go deeper than just his friends, you two haven't really learned to communicate well enough to solve your problems.

jmooney527 · Jun 12, 2009, 08:59 AM

You should not focus on "why things aren't working" and focus on "when am I going to break things off with both men" instead. It's not fair to either of these two guys as well as yourself for keeping this going, so focus on ending both relationships. It's up to you whether you want to be honest with them or not, but regardless to whether you cheated or not, it's pretty clear that you don't want to be with either of them. So end things with them, do NC with BOTH men, and start working on your own life.

I think this is chewing you up because you're dealing with not only drama from one relationship, but two... and drama from one is enough for most people!

Work on you, and you alone... that's all you should do right now (if you believe you are ready).