[Asriela]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years this September, been together for 9 years total. He's a wonderful hardworking man, who has done everything to take care of me (I'm Bi-Polar and suffer from severe depression, am chronically suicidal, plus I had a hysterectomy last March) and try to give me everything that I could ever want. About 3 years ago his mother died. He changed... ALOT. For the past 2 years he has ignored my needs, thought only about money and the bills, and for the most part has treated me like a $5 hooker when it comes to sex. I just started shutting him out. I had sex with him when required and other than that we just co-existed. About a month ago I started having an affair with an artist from the tattoo shop I was hanging out at. He makes me smile, treats me like gold and has admitted that he's afraid that he can't support me financially the way my husband has, but that he can emotionally support me in the ways that I need. Last Friday night, my husband found out about the affair. At first he was angry, furious, but now he wants to try and work things out. I honestly don't know that I can let him back in in that way. I'm trying my best, but it seems that I'm not moving fast enough for him. I really don't know if I should continue to work on this when I don't feel like I can trust him emotionally or sexually right now. Please Help.

[CBCMan]

This is definitely a women thing. You have been blinded by the media and personifications of Prince Charming. If this Man was able to marry you, be with you care for you for so long, IT was not him that started shutting down. He had something go wrong in his life that needed caring and love. HE went into depression he needed your help getting out of it. You just gave up and went for a guy who made you happy.

[Asriela]

Ok. I didn't go to another man for 3 years. I stayed faithful. I was there for him. I supported him, everything he needed. He has admitted that he shut me out. And thanks because now I feel really stupid for asking for help.

[Gemini54]

Look, it's your marriage that's at risk and I believe that your husband takes priority. You owe it to him to try and work it out. Sure having a relationship with the tattooist would be the easy option, but would that be entirely fair to your husband and your marriage?

In any case, you're the one that has cheated 'emotionally and sexually' so I'm not sure why you feel you can't trust your husband in this way.

It sounds like he really supported you when you needed it and then he changed when his mother died. Perhaps he got sick of caring for you and felt that he needed a little caring for himself. Perhaps he felt that he had given so much and didn't have anything left - that's why he shut you out. It would only be human to feel this way and the death of a mother can be a life changing event for many people - especially men.

I think that you owe him another chance - a big one. He wants to work on it, he admits he shut you out - open yourself up to this second chance and go into it with your heart open. Why don't both of you go to counselling so that you can talk about how you feel and at least understand the reasons behind your marriage breakdown.

And, give the tattooist the flick. Your husband deserves your attention at the moment, not him.

[I wish]

Both of you have gone through a lot of pain and suffering. But in order to make it work, it requires the effort of BOTH people involved.

You cheated on him, there's no going back. But he's willing to give it another shot. It sounds like he finally realized that he neglected you for too long and feels responsible that you cheated on him.

I would give him another shot. There's a reason you haven't asked for a divorce right? You still believe somewhere deep down in your heart?

However, I am not sure that the two of you work can it out on your own and I suggest some professional help such as marriage counselling. But if you decide to proceed with marriage counselling to reconcile your marriage, you have to cut ties with the person you are cheating with. That would be unfair to your husband.

[artlady]

I fail to see why you feel justified in your cheating when you clearly admit your husband

has done everything to take care of me

and try to give me everything that I could ever want

You state you don't trust him emotionally or sexually?
What am I missing here?
You cheated and you went out of the marriage to try to solve problems that should have been solved like adults by working through them together in the marriage.
Now you somehow turn that around to make it look like you are the one who was the wronged party here?
You are trying to justify cheating and you have no justification.
I am quite sure that living with a bi polar woman who does not work and who expects a high standard of living has been a real joy for your husband.
It sounds like this marriage is all about you!

[Asriela]

I am quite sure that living with a bi polar woman who does not work and who expects a high standard of living has been a real joy for your husband.
It sounds like this marriage is all about you![/QUOTE]

Never once did I say that I didn't work. I've worked throughout our whole relationship. In fact until I got laid off 2 weeks ago I was the breadwinner in the family. I never expected a high standard of living from him. Never. We worked hard together for what we have. And I'm not trying to justify cheating, nor am I still with the other person. I know that I'm the one that messed up by going outside of my marriage. My husband and I have been talking for the last week, trying to figure out what we should do, how we should go about it. As for professional counseling, he refuses. I've begged and pleaded for years to go. He believes that talking to someone else about our problems is wrong. All I was saying is that it's hard for me to let him back in. I know I don't deserve to be let back in, that what I did was wrong.