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heidijoanne · May 21, 2009, 01:51 PM

I have been going out with my current boyfriend for a year and a half now. Since the beginning things have been a little sketchy, at least it's what I feel and I don't know if I can keep on with how things are.

When we met, I was in a pretty bad spot in my life. I let him know about my past, sexual abuse for years by an uncle, alcoholic parents, father who physically and mentally abused mother, father was murdered, my own problems with alcohol throughout the years, bad relationship patterns and a misscariage not long before I met him. Also the fact that I had anxiety problems and found it hard to be comfortable in new situations with new people. I told him these things so that I felt I was being honest and so he would know what he was getting into. I really thought he was going to be good for me because he seemed to have no trouble talking to others and figured he would be a shining light in that area of my life. I could learn from him.

We moved in together shortly after meeting and even from the start I was staying over at his house almost nightly.

So, there is this girl who is married that lived next door to him. He would go over often to see her, chat with her, smoke a joint with her or just because she needed help with something. At first I told myself that it wasn't a big deal, he was doing it right in front of me, told me that they where just friends and that she was there for him during his split with his ex so he felt that he owed here the same. Her husband was still living there and apparently he was not a very good person. I was very much encouraged to not talk to him and a couple of the other neighbours, which I felt was kind of weird. When my boyfriend and sarah (neighbour) would be around me they talked non stop about these people always negative. I was encouraged by my boyfriend to be nice to this girl because she was going through a hard time so I was. I baked for her and her children, I looked after her children by taking them on walks sometimes on a daily basis, leaving Sarah and my boyfriend alone together every time. Not realizing that at times I was being encouraged to do this as well. When things got really weird, like my boyfriend driving her and her friends to bars late at night, having her here when I was in bed or going over there, hearing sarah tell me what a great my boyfriend had, hearing my boyfriend tell me what a whore or slut sarah was, hearing she had a threesome with her husband and one of the male neighbours, hearing she would go out looking for one night stands, and having to listen to his stupid cell go off left and right because she was texting him non stop. Some of the texts where totally inappropriate but he always just blew them off. I just couldn't figure out why he was so concerned about her well being when he obviously had no respect for people who had done much worse. Very confusing.

I feel that I am rambling, and I apologize, this is just a whole lot of pent up frustration. The big thing was, I didn't say too much about what I was seeing, then all the sudden he is getting mad because I have Facebook and some old high school friends are adding me and some of the guys are telling me how great I still look, or comments along that lines. So I got rid of Facebook to not cause trouble. Then I find him on an adult dating site, he said he was just looking at pics.

So I end up leaving him three times. Once only a few months after we met because he was not kissing me (other than a friendly peck now and then). Said he was, but reality said he wasn't!

Second time was because he fought so hard to keep sarah in his life and be there for her, when I was here and I didn't seem to matter. The big problem was I had just gone through telling my aunt that her husband had molested me for six years when I was little. Was extremely hard for me to do, and he would not talk to me about it, would not offer a shoulder or even really act like it mattered, what mattered was that sarah was going through a rough time with her husband.
So I left a second time, to have him apologize and bring me back.

Third time, and I know this is so stupid. But I had had enough. SArah was not interested in being my friend, was so easy to see to me. Had been almost a year and she had not once invited me to do anything with her and her friends, after me inviting her into my home and trying to be the bigger person. I had heard and seen enough little things that it was driving me nuts that my reality was being totally invalidated by boyfriend and her. I was alone on this street, never talking to anyone, scared to see neighbours when I lfet house, so I didn't at times.
So I decided to try something. When it came to sex, boyfriend only seemed to want to if a porn was playing or if he could sit back and watch me play while he played with himself, rarely any real intimate contact. (yes it bothered me a lot, felt like an object). We talked about threesomes often, I had never done and he said he hadn't either. So I said to him one night after sarah left that I would consider doing it with her and him. Next weekend comes and quess what... lol... she is here with her liquor wanting to drink with us... first time it ever happened. WE all drink, I notice the conversation being led towards sex. Viagra happens to come up and I say that BF does not need it, then sarah jumps in and says " I totally second that opinion"... I got quiet, didn't say much more, then night was over. BF said I took it the wrong way or didn't hear it the right way the next day when I brought it up. So I kind of left it alone, then next weekend same thing... this time I got very drunk and went ahead with it... didnt let myself be touched much just did the touching. I look up at one point to see boyfriend holding sarahs hand and kissing her passionately, something I didn't receive myself and it broke my heart.

Needless to say there is so much more, but this is the gist of it. He doesn't see why I obbsess over her he tells me. I feel totally betrayed, disrespected and small because of all of this. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets angry and refuses. He tells me to get out when I say I can't live like this. I am not aloud to talk to the neighbours to see what was going on, I'm just supposed to accept it. At this point they all probably think I'm a nut and I guess I can't blame them. I just want to feel some power inside, like I'm worth something and I also want to learn how to not get myself involved with this kind of man. My history involves nothing but starting from the beginning with my father.

So, sorry that was so long, but I just need to know... if you where me, would you talk to the neighbours anyway? And does anyone know if after a year and a half he can tell me to just get out knowing I have no place to go?

Thanks In Advance!

catch 22 · May 21, 2009, 02:03 PM

Wow... I'm pretty shocked you would actually go through with the 3some. I thought you were only suggesting it as a trap to see if he would be into it, not actually do it!

This guy is wasting your time and if you were accurate about all the texting they do and everything, something is probably going on.

You've had a rough past and you need someone to take care of you instead of having ANOTHER person in your life who treats you badly. You should have left him for good when he didn't even care when you were confronting your aunt about what had happened.

ajGambino · May 21, 2009, 02:20 PM

I'm sorry for the problems you're having, but your boyfriend is telling you something you should absolutely be doing. Get out, get out of his life.

You do NOT deserve all this crap he laid out on you. It seems like he has a sexual relationship with your neighbor and you have ignored it because you don't want to believe it.

None of this matters anymore. Whatever you do, get out of his life so you can live for yourself and be happy. You deserve better then that, you know you do, just leave. I don't know where you can go, considering you have no place to go... but maybe you should start finding somewhere to go, start to find a better life without him. And when you do, never talk to him again. It's good for you. Hang in there buddy, be strong.

heidijoanne · May 21, 2009, 03:34 PM

Wow, you know all this time I knew that If I put my thought and feelings down for others to give me insight I would be getting these results. There has been a big part of me scared to do this because I was worried he would see or find it and get mad, so I guess I am a bit fearfull of him. I mean, when I mentioned talking to neighbours his first reaction always is to say if I do I might as well get pack my bags. Im tired of being scared and confused! Your feedback is greatly appreciated. I am not a stupid woman, just highly sensitive and worry way too much about the feelings of others regardless of how they may treat me. Im working on myself esteem and confidence and this is a huge step for me here today! Thank you so much!

P.S.
I know I'm very strong simply because I'm still fighting, and I will come out on top in the end!

heidijoanne · May 21, 2009, 03:39 PM

Oh and yeah going ahead with the threesome, was not my brightest moment. I have felt dirty ever since. Live and learn!

IWHO · May 21, 2009, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by ajGambino

I'm sorry for the problems you're having, but your boyfriend is telling you something you should absolutely be doing. Get out, get out of his life.

You do NOT deserve all this crap he laid out on you. It seems like he has a sexual realtionship with your neighbor and you have ignored it because you don't want to believe it.

None of this matters anymore. Whatever you do, get out of his life so you can live for youself and be happy. You deserve better then that, you know you do, just leave. I don't know where you can go, considering you have no place to go...but maybe you should start finding somewhere to go, start to find a better life without him. And when you do, never talk to him again. It's good for you. Hang in there buddy, be strong.

Gambino is absolutely right... you do NOT deserve this... I would even venture to say the reason he doesn't want you to talk to any of the neighbors is because you would learn the TRUTH about him... he's cheating on you, he's lying to you, and he's using you... get out...

ajGambino · May 21, 2009, 05:51 PM

I use to be scared about my ex leaving me or breaking up with me. She had full control over everything, I would be walking on egg shells and everyday was 'don't piss her off' day. That's not healthy and I should have seen that.

No one should be scared of their partner leaving, doing anything shady, nothing like that. My worst fear happened, but I see now that it was just a matter of time.

Keep up with NC, you deserve a person who will be there for you, a person that doesn't want to force anything upon you, dedicated to the relationship and not just about HIM.

Romefalls19 · May 22, 2009, 05:57 AM

First, no I wouldn't talk to the neighbors, I'd pack my bags and leave this arsehole. You deserve better than to be treated and a sexual playtoy that he can pick up whenever he wants!

Second, see a counselor about your past, you're very unstable, and understandably so. Don't take it the wrong way, talking to a license professional can help ease your pain.

Third, you went through with the 3some, nothing you can do now except learn from it. Find a guy worth loving, this guy is trash! Nothing more, probably less.

heidijoanne · May 22, 2009, 09:44 AM

Again, thanks everyone!
Believe it or not... lol... I have been seeing a psychiatrist now for over a year and am on medication for ADHD. The only reason I'm left asking my peers is that I seem to be drawn to people that have no problem invalidating my reality to suit their own purposes, I, like always try to see the good in people and have yet to learn to listen to my gut and instincts. I am truly working on this and it's not exaggerating to say I do it on a daily or hourly basis at the moment... lol
At 34, I'm working on loving myself and unraveling all the great characteristics that I know are there, and accepting them and sharing them with those deserving. I figure it's the only way I'll ever get myself out of this "crazy making" cycle!

Oh, and I was never really all that worried about boyfriend leaving me, I just wanted a normal, stable relationship and I only asked that if he didn't want the same to just let me go. That's what was so confusing I guess... leaving three times, to come back because he said he wanted the relationship, cried for it, only to remain stubborn on the issues I have mentioned above and always refusing to really talk about them once I came back. LIke these things never happened in the first place.

So many things happened, I know they happened, I saw or heard them happen, yet... this person is looking at me telling me it isn't so. AAHHHHH... lol. Who's the unbalanced one?. hmmmmm... Unfortunately my lack of "self" makes me question myself when this happens. AGain, Im totally working on that, because I at least see it's a huge step in getting stronger and treating myself with the love and respect I've always had the right to but did not know how to claim as my own.

You all Rock!

liz28 · May 22, 2009, 10:10 AM

It sounds like the two of you were using you to babysit her kids. Who knows what happen between the two of them when you wasn't around. When the cat is at bay the mice will play.

You and this guy moved too fast. You moved in with a guy you barely knew. Maybe you wanted someone in your life and he seem like the perfect match but he wasn't.

You have to watch who you give you your heart to and protect it. Never do something you don't want to do or even throw it up in the air. You see how quick they jumped at on the idea.

You would find better and you better a whole lot better. Never settle and I know you learned a valuable listen from this. Don't be afraid to say no or speak up for yourself, don't move too fast, never do something you don't want to do, and most of all, always follow your instincts.

Btw, him watching porn in order to have sex is creepy and shows he might have had some sort of addiction to it.

talaniman · May 22, 2009, 10:53 AM

Whatever it takes you should remove yourself from this situation, and vanish from his life.

Homegirl 50 · May 22, 2009, 11:29 AM

You let this guy know from jump street that you are a victim and he jumped on it.
He is abusing and controlling you and will continue to do so until you decide "no more"
Get out of this abusive situation and learn to stand on your own to feet.

You don't need to share your life story with any and everybody.

Homegirl 50 · May 22, 2009, 11:36 AM

Do not volunteer for abuse!
You are no longer a victim, you are now a grown woman who knows this man is a controlling creep. Anytime someone tells you who you can and cannot talk to, that is the first clue that you are dealing with a creep. You can choose to stay or leave. You said you are a strong person, be a smart one too. Get out of this abusive situation.

liz28 · May 22, 2009, 11:42 AM

Okay, he can't just kick you out without giving you a 30 notice to leave. He has to properly evict you. But do you really want stay there? If you've no place to go then go to a shelter. That is what they are there for. In case of an emergency.

Him kicking you up just proves how much of a dog he is. You don't need a dog in your life because if you wanted one you can easily buy or adopt one.

Leave and don't look back!

You survive much more and you will survive this. You're a strong beautiful woman--remember that.

N0help4u · May 22, 2009, 12:22 PM

His heart is with her. I don't know why he is with you when he is obviously more emotionally attached to her.

You need somebody that is there for you in every way. He is there in physical form only.

heidijoanne · May 23, 2009, 11:35 AM

She no longer lives next door, she has been gone since last fall when her marriage finally broke up.
Don't any of you need that answer to why? Ever?. lol. IM not so much emotionally attached as I once was, I see things for what they are, and I will take the appropriate steps soon enough.

Homegirl 50 · May 23, 2009, 11:41 AM

Well I hope you take them before you really piss him if and he decides to get physical with you.
The appropriate step IMO is to leave, like yesterday!

liz28 · May 23, 2009, 11:53 AM

What steps are you taking to leave?

Didn't you say he kicked or tried to kick you out?

catch 22 · May 23, 2009, 12:39 PM

Originally Posted by heidijoanne

Don't any of you need that answer to why? Ever?....lol.

I know how you feel, I am struggling with that after an abrupt break-up to a relationship that seemed perfectly happy. I wouldn't want her back so much if she would just explain why. I gave up talking to her, but at first I was talking to her constantly, asking her to give me a better explanation, because I felt so abandoned and confused.

Everyone is telling me "sometimes you just don't get an answer" and it is VERY hard to deal with. I am not done grieving yet. If you are strong, you can walk away without having an answer.

heidijoanne · May 23, 2009, 01:31 PM

Yes, and that's what I'm working on... getting stronger. This pattern in my life, starting with my dad, has taken a lot of my energy trying to figure it out. It's confusing to say the least. I guess it's not something you can truly explain to someone who has not dealt with it.

He has asked me to just get out or pack my bags on a few occasions because I wasn't letting things go, and told him I would never do so until he sat down and actually had an adult conversation about our relationship. Physically I'm not scared of him (admits, sometimes I wonder because of my experience with physically abusive behaviour from my dad), he worries way too much about what others think. He is more of a covert type when it comes to controlling and abusive behaviour. Mainly denying my reality and invalidation. He has or had a purpose in my life and I believe it was to finally get me to see what I couldn't when I was drinking (self medicating) for years. Makes sense to me now why situations tend to repeat themselves if you haven't learned or grown from them as much as you are intended to.

Im quite proud to say that this time I think I finally get it. Sticking with unhealthy relationships was due to me not understanding that I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own and I do deserve to be happy, as does every other human being on this planet. And it's a choice I Have to make for myself, no one else can do it for me no matter how dissalusioned I may be in the moment of how great that person is. We are all just trying to get it right, and find our happiness!

As for steps I'm taking... being good to myself, watching my negative self talk, focusing on what's best for me and my life, not obsessing over the past, seeing reality for what it really is and accepting it, seeing my psychiatrist, learning to relax and appreciate all my great qualities... and finally... waiting for my back taxes to come through so I can move back to NB and start fresh with a new me! A conscious me!

Thanks again everyone!