I have been going out with my current boyfriend for a year and a half now. Since the beginning things have been a little sketchy, at least it's what I feel and I don't know if I can keep on with how things are.
When we met, I was in a pretty bad spot in my life. I let him know about my past, sexual abuse for years by an uncle, alcoholic parents, father who physically and mentally abused mother, father was murdered, my own problems with alcohol throughout the years, bad relationship patterns and a misscariage not long before I met him. Also the fact that I had anxiety problems and found it hard to be comfortable in new situations with new people. I told him these things so that I felt I was being honest and so he would know what he was getting into. I really thought he was going to be good for me because he seemed to have no trouble talking to others and figured he would be a shining light in that area of my life. I could learn from him.
We moved in together shortly after meeting and even from the start I was staying over at his house almost nightly.
So, there is this girl who is married that lived next door to him. He would go over often to see her, chat with her, smoke a joint with her or just because she needed help with something. At first I told myself that it wasn't a big deal, he was doing it right in front of me, told me that they where just friends and that she was there for him during his split with his ex so he felt that he owed here the same. Her husband was still living there and apparently he was not a very good person. I was very much encouraged to not talk to him and a couple of the other neighbours, which I felt was kind of weird. When my boyfriend and sarah (neighbour) would be around me they talked non stop about these people always negative. I was encouraged by my boyfriend to be nice to this girl because she was going through a hard time so I was. I baked for her and her children, I looked after her children by taking them on walks sometimes on a daily basis, leaving Sarah and my boyfriend alone together every time. Not realizing that at times I was being encouraged to do this as well. When things got really weird, like my boyfriend driving her and her friends to bars late at night, having her here when I was in bed or going over there, hearing sarah tell me what a great my boyfriend had, hearing my boyfriend tell me what a whore or slut sarah was, hearing she had a threesome with her husband and one of the male neighbours, hearing she would go out looking for one night stands, and having to listen to his stupid cell go off left and right because she was texting him non stop. Some of the texts where totally inappropriate but he always just blew them off. I just couldn't figure out why he was so concerned about her well being when he obviously had no respect for people who had done much worse. Very confusing.
I feel that I am rambling, and I apologize, this is just a whole lot of pent up frustration. The big thing was, I didn't say too much about what I was seeing, then all the sudden he is getting mad because I have Facebook and some old high school friends are adding me and some of the guys are telling me how great I still look, or comments along that lines. So I got rid of Facebook to not cause trouble. Then I find him on an adult dating site, he said he was just looking at pics.
So I end up leaving him three times. Once only a few months after we met because he was not kissing me (other than a friendly peck now and then). Said he was, but reality said he wasn't!
Second time was because he fought so hard to keep sarah in his life and be there for her, when I was here and I didn't seem to matter. The big problem was I had just gone through telling my aunt that her husband had molested me for six years when I was little. Was extremely hard for me to do, and he would not talk to me about it, would not offer a shoulder or even really act like it mattered, what mattered was that sarah was going through a rough time with her husband.
So I left a second time, to have him apologize and bring me back.
Third time, and I know this is so stupid. But I had had enough. SArah was not interested in being my friend, was so easy to see to me. Had been almost a year and she had not once invited me to do anything with her and her friends, after me inviting her into my home and trying to be the bigger person. I had heard and seen enough little things that it was driving me nuts that my reality was being totally invalidated by boyfriend and her. I was alone on this street, never talking to anyone, scared to see neighbours when I lfet house, so I didn't at times.
So I decided to try something. When it came to sex, boyfriend only seemed to want to if a porn was playing or if he could sit back and watch me play while he played with himself, rarely any real intimate contact. (yes it bothered me a lot, felt like an object). We talked about threesomes often, I had never done and he said he hadn't either. So I said to him one night after sarah left that I would consider doing it with her and him. Next weekend comes and quess what... lol... she is here with her liquor wanting to drink with us... first time it ever happened. WE all drink, I notice the conversation being led towards sex. Viagra happens to come up and I say that BF does not need it, then sarah jumps in and says " I totally second that opinion"... I got quiet, didn't say much more, then night was over. BF said I took it the wrong way or didn't hear it the right way the next day when I brought it up. So I kind of left it alone, then next weekend same thing... this time I got very drunk and went ahead with it... didnt let myself be touched much just did the touching. I look up at one point to see boyfriend holding sarahs hand and kissing her passionately, something I didn't receive myself and it broke my heart.
Needless to say there is so much more, but this is the gist of it. He doesn't see why I obbsess over her he tells me. I feel totally betrayed, disrespected and small because of all of this. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets angry and refuses. He tells me to get out when I say I can't live like this. I am not aloud to talk to the neighbours to see what was going on, I'm just supposed to accept it. At this point they all probably think I'm a nut and I guess I can't blame them. I just want to feel some power inside, like I'm worth something and I also want to learn how to not get myself involved with this kind of man. My history involves nothing but starting from the beginning with my father.
So, sorry that was so long, but I just need to know... if you where me, would you talk to the neighbours anyway? And does anyone know if after a year and a half he can tell me to just get out knowing I have no place to go?
Thanks In Advance!
