[kdomi002]

My exboyfriend and I broke up two nights ago after a 4 year relationship. We were about to move in together. We are both 23 and in transitions in our lives where he is really getting into his career and I am on my way there. He wanted to prevent a more horrible break up in the future.

We were really great together the first two years, but for the past two, I have fallen deeply for him to the point where I really made him my whole world, fantasizing that we would get married someday. He did make remarks on it, but never really seriously. We have been there for each other through many ups and downs and now he feels that he doesn't really know who I am anymore. I don't blame him because he was my everything and that was my mistake. He has been telling me for a while that I need to be more independent and go out with friends and discover myself, and I haven't been able to give him that. He has decided that if we move in together then we can hold on to a mediocre relationship for a while, but it could end badly and he does not want to hurt me. I agree that he is being very mature but its been difficult for me to accept. I also think that I pressured him too much about marriage. Why? I do not know, because I don't even think that I am ready myself. I think that I was afraid to lose him since we have been together for a while. That, and I come from a traditional mexican household and he is american.

We had a productive talk today but ended things in that we need to be apart to concentrate on reaching our goals in life. He said that he cares about me, he is not currently looking for a relationship he just wants to focus on accomplishing his dreams. But he did say that if he meets "the one" in that path, then he will take the opportunity, and so should I. Basically he said that he doesn't know if I will end up being "the one" but in the mean time he wants to be on his own. I love him so much that I have decided that for both our sakes, to let him go without putting up a fight because I do not want to push him away. When we said good bye he hugged me really hard and didn't seem like he wanted to let go of me. That was really hard for me. I want to know if anyone thinks that over time, he can return to me and once I have become the person I have missed out on for these years then he can decide that I am "the one"?

Another reason that he has not decided to get married is because his parents got divorced when he was very young and he had a very difficult upbringing and he says that he doesn't want a failed marriage, and wants to be really sure when he does decide to do something so important. He did, but not trying to lead me on or hurt me, kind of hint that if I make changes in my life, like be more independent self motivated and the person that he fell in love with, then we might possibly get back together. But I stress this, he does not want to lead me on, because he is firm on his decision for the time being.

I know that I have messed things up by not listening to his feelings in the past, but I would like to know if it's too late for me, or if he sounds like he could come back to me?

Someone with experience, please give me any advice. I plan on working on being happy alone before I can present myself to him and hopefully he realizes that I am the person that he fell in love with. I want to learn to make friends, I have very few, and come into my own. But is there hope? I won't hold on to it for dear life, his suggestion, and I agree, but my love is so strong that I cannot let it go for now.

Thanks for reading this long question and your guys' advice.

[kdomi002]

I just wanted to add that we were about to move in together, but him knowing that I would want a lot of attention, and him knowing that he wasn't going to be able to give me that right now, he didn't want to put me through pain and suffering and neglect, just leading me on, going nowhere. I know, he really is a great guy, and I would like to get back with him, once I have changed some of who I've become: needy and clingy. I understand that this is going to take time, and we have decided to remain friends and we will still update each other on how we are doing. So does anyone think that there is still hope?
~kdomi002

[I wish]

Sounds like both of you handled the situation very maturely. Don't worry about the future too much. Maybe you will end up together again, maybe not. Maybe you will come out stronger and not want him anymore. Maybe he will find someone else, maybe you will find someone else. There's no way to know.

For now, you should focus on yourself. He's focusing on accomplishing his dreams. You should do the same. Do what YOU WANT to do in life. Focus on school or career. 23 is the time to start building a stable career for yourself.

[Gemini54]

Look, I think that you're both very lucky and have handled this situation well.

He's been really honest with you and you can't ask for more than that. You are both very young and have so much more of life to live and experience.

Hear his words - he wants to move on and in time find someone - he wants to live. He's telling you that you need to get out, make friendships and be happy.

The lesson for you is about not pinning all your hopes and dreams on one thing. Marriage is not a personal problem solver. The success rate for young marriages is very low and you know that the success rate for marriages in general is not great. You need to wait and find yourself before you can find someone to marry.

It's time to live a happy, full life without thinking that you need to make yourself something for him. Make something of yourself for yourself!