[serenemeg]

Hello
I am going to try to get this rather long story out in a few brief paragraphs with hopes to find others that have or are going through similar circumstances.
I was with my boyfriend for about 2 years when we broke up do to many issues in our relationship. The major reason was that we both were going through some addiction problems and we needed to address those issues before we could be together. He made the choice to break up with me because he didn't think I would ever change unless he gave me "tough love." Well, after he broke up with me it took about 2 months for me to get my life together and stop abusing alcohol and drugs. By the time I got help for my problem and he did as well, he was already dating someone else. I saw it as a rebound/summer fling and did not see it as a threat. About a month after we both were sober, we started to talk about getting back together and things were going well. That's when the bombshell hit me. The girl he dated while we were broken up was pregnant. She had decided to have the baby with or without his approval or support. He did not want her to have it at first, but she was adamant. This of course caused major issues with our already unsteady relationship and he ultimately went back to her while she was pregnant. I was heartbroken and struggled for 2 years to deal with his decision and my regrets about the past. Fast forward to present day... The baby is now 2 years old and he and the summer fling of course did not last. They have been broken up for over a year now and we have gotten very serious of the last several months. We never really had closure the entire time, but now we are talking marriage, etc. I am really struggling with how to deal with the baby and the baby's mother. I know the child isn't to blame, even though it feels as though someone is stabbling me in the stomach when I see him. My boyfriend is a very good father and of course is a part of the baby's life. I must admit that sometimes I wish she would just move away and stay away! I don't want to feel like this, but I am just being honest. I know that for my boyfriend and I to work out, I need to overcome a lot of these feelings. It just hurts knowing that when we have a child together, he has already experienced those things, etc. Does anyone out there have some advice?

[talaniman]

Have you expressed these feeling to your boyfriend?? What does your boyfriend say about all this???

God grant me
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.

[N0help4u]

I think the more you push your hurt feelings the more strain you will put on your relationship. You need to either love him with his past or move on. Fact is he does have an ex and a baby. You have to ask yourself who does he come home to. Where do things stand
And take it from there.
Don't dig up deeper problems by being jealous and resentful.
You want a baby with him to feel they are the first to experience daddy and baby then how will you feel when you two have a second baby?
Life has its bumps and you have to smooth them over the best you can.

[serenemeg]

Thanks for the advice. Sorry it took so long for me to respond, I thought I would get an email notification if I had any responses. My boyfriend knows how I feel, and he is trying his best to make it as comfortable as possible. He has told me to take as much time as I need before trying to have any contact or relationship with the baby. I guess it hurts so much because I have had two chances in my life to have a baby and for various reasons decided it wasn't for the best. I know some people are against that, but it's the best choice I could make for everyone at the time, and I struggle to forgive myself on a daily basis and move forward. This all happened years ago before this baby came along!
I have now seen the baby twice since I first posted, the baby looks exactly like him and it just is an awful feeling that I can't explain that I feel when I have seen him. My boyfriends mother has expressed to me that she wants me to get to know the child and I am struggling with this. I feel like the child has a mother and I don't want to "step on any toes" and do the wrong this. I feel like the less I do to interfere the better, so I don't make any mistakes. The time will come where I have to be a part of the child's life, because we are building a house together, so the baby will be there part of the time!
Again, thanks for the input!

[ajGambino]

You have your boyfriend now and are building a house together, that's all that matters at this point. The past is a tricky thing, it'll make you stronger or it'll make you a mean insecure person.

Try to look at his past for what it is... the past that's no longer here. He is with you now, ready to build a relationship with you. I understand the baby is a constant reminder of him and his summer 'fling' but try to let it strengthen you.

When you see the baby, make the best of it because it's part of your life now. Show the kid how wonderful you are and how caring you can be, it'll also show towards your boyfriend. This will show your boyfriend how much you care for him, willingness to move on and I think he'd very much appreciate it. Think positive, it's you he wants after all, you're one of the lucky ones.

[nicolerocks711]

I would say let him go and be w/ this summer fling if he was stupid enough to knock her up. He needs to be a man and own up to responsibility, which means being with the kid AND her

[serenemeg]

I do agree that it was one of the stupidest things he has ever done, and he will even admit to that! We are talking about going to therapy to try and work on issues in our past. The truth is that I love him more than any man that I have ever loved before, and if it wasn't for this, I would have never gotten back together with him. I truly do want to accept him for everything and anything that has to do with him, that's why I am seeking advice.

[nicolerocks711]

Well I just think you are in the way for a family to form.

[Jake2008]

I admire your honesty, and that you have the ability to admit how you feel about the whole situation.

You may be missing an opportunity here that could be one of the highlights of your life. Two year old's are fun, energetic, easy to please, and easy to love. Start slowly, build up your confidence, and spend as much time as you are comfortable with when he has the baby.

You will not only see what kind of father he is, but what type of person he is, having come so far with staying clean, taking responsibility, and building a good life.

I would bet that the more time you spend with this baby of his, the more you will realize that the joy of being a part of this child's life will only make you want a baby of your own. The feelings of being insecure and inexperienced will vanish, I promise you.

If, after counselling and serious thinking on the issue, you cannot accept this child as the child deserves to be accepted and loved, then it is time to think about moving on.

There is no way you can avoid his child, or the child's mother. He is a package deal.

[Romefalls19]

I would say let him go and be w/ this summer fling if he was stupid enough to knock her up. he needs to be a man and own up to responsibility, which means being with the kid AND her

Being a man would mean being there for the child not for her. A child will always come first, children may be young but can pick up on emotions and if the parents got "trapped" into being together then there will be resentment, not only to each other but possibly the child. A broken home is not a healthy environment to raise a child. You want to raise a child to give it love and warmth, not anger and emotionless parents. The way you make it sound is that no matter what, if you have a child together, you should be together. That doesn't work, some people get caught in a moment, it was a spur of the moment thing, as long as he does his part to raise the child and provide for it, I don't see why he should have to be with the baby's mother.

[Survivor07]

well i just think you are in the way for a family to form.

I understand this is your opinion, but I strongly disagree. People have children all the time with the wrong partner. You should know this is true. It's not the child's fault. They should be raised around love, not two parents who are constantly fighting and unhappy.

He did give it a go with the baby's mother. They do not love each other. They barely knew each other when she got pregnant. It would not be a good environment for a child to grow up in.

There is an opportunity here for a "family" to form, just not him and the baby's mother.

[88sunflower]

So what if he has a baby with another woman. You were broken up and it happened. What if the tables were turned and you were the one that got pregnant. Wouldn't you want your love to accept that baby and you as one and form a family? You and him split, life happened and now you just deal with it. Sure if he has a baby with you it won't be his first. But it will be his first with a woman that he loves and wants to spend his life with. Take this baby and spend time with it and love it as your own. Don't worry about stepping on toes. Children have this amazing unconditional love and when you see that none of the history will matter. The best part is you can give this baby a sibling. What's more beautiful then that. Embrace this new little life and be happy. Be happy its healthy and alive and full of love for you when you are ready.

[Survivor07]

If you're planning on getting married, then you and he are making a lifetime commitment, right? So take it slow. Wait a while before making those wedding plans and see how you feel down the road. Either you will accept this child and love him or you won't. Time will tell.

Sunflower had some really good points and I agree. You may not be able to give him his first child and you can't change that, but you can give his child a sibling, a family.

[talaniman]

I don't see this working longterm, without accepting this child, and bonding taking place.

Children are about love, and not a grudging tolerance. Your husband is a package deal now, embrace them as your own, and be happy in that.

That's the only way to make a house a HOME.

[nicolerocks711]

It just seems to me that this girl is in LALA land thinking this whole situation is going to work! He created a family with someone else whether he loved her or not he did and he should do everything he can to make it work. Did they go to counseling? I bet not because shagging this girl is more fun then accepting his responsibility!

[Justwantfair]

I think you still sound too self-absorbed and immature to handle this situation.

You can't hide your feelings and if this is how you feel about the child then your feelings are not going to change and you can't work on them.

I think you need more time to grow up and live life.

[Romefalls19]

It wasn't a long term relationship, he wasn't into the girl(from what the OP says) you have your opinion, I have mine. I just find it funny that mine get deleted. I might take a hiatus from the board for awhile

To the OP, it is a lot to handle. If you need help(don't know if I'll be back on the board) but send me a PM and I'll give you my e-mail address and I can help out some more. I am in your situation, my fiancé has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I am doing the father figure role so I know how you feel about the whole thing.

[liz28]

When you mess around with someone with a child it becomes a package deal. My fiancé had a child from his previous relationship and I have a daughter from my previous relationship and we both accept each other child and treat each other child as if it was only own. It couldn't be any other way.

Now I most ask "where is the mother of the child, is she going cause drama?". Are you comfortable with him talking to the child mother?

[nicolerocks711]

Yea I would love to hear the mother's side of the story, but that's not possible. I personally think the mother and father should try to work it out as much as possible before they break up the family and move on to different partners.

[Survivor07]

it just seems to me that this girl is in LALA land thinking this whole situation is going to work! He created a family with someone else whether he loved her or not he did and he should do everything he can to make it work. did they go to counseling? i bet not because shagging this girl is more fun then accepting his responsibility!

She's not in lala land. She recognizes she is not accepting of the child and that it is not the child's fault.

The father left the mother over a year ago it sounds like and got back together with the OP.

He is accepting his responsibility by being present in the child's life and paying support. That is his responsibility. He cannot make himself love the mother. If he's tried to make it work, it's better for the child and the mother that they move on in their personal lives not with each other for reasons I've already stated.

Sounds like you're taking your anger out on this thread, Nicolerocks, because you're identifying with the mother in this situation and understandably so.

To the OP: I agree with what Tal said. It won't work if you cannot accept the child. Period.