[ajGambino]

It's good to hear others positive progress throughout the struggle. At the same time, I'm also sorry for the pain and suffering everyone here went through. Feeling like how I am lately, I would never wish this upon someone. Not even my worst enemy.

[ajGambino]

Quesion:

I understand I need to keep strict NC and think about rebuilding my life according to what makes me a better, happy person.

I sometimes think about my ex doing things to me that were wrong, as I think that's a proper way to view things.

Is that OK to do?

Should I be thinking about other things so I don't stop my process of moving on?

[kctiger]

It is only natural to get angry at your ex for things you now see she may have done that weren't very nice. That is part of the grieving process. It also doesn't mean your ex was a bad person. No one is perfect in a relationship. I know I wasn't Mr. Wonderful. So long as you stick to NC things should progress on an even plain.

[ajGambino]

I see what you're saying. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend either and maybe I should have done some things differently.

I hate to think about what I could've done differently and I think about what if I did this or that... I try to block those 'what ifs'.

[jmw0713]

You will go crazy thinking about all of the what if's. Chances are, no matter what, this everything would have happened anyway. People who are committed to each other will almost work through anything. So it wasn't the few things you did that may have been bad, it was her and her feelings that changed.

Trust me, if you were that bad of a BF, she would have left a LONG time ago. She just changed and along the way, her feelings for you did too.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Just recognize what you want to change about yourself and don't repeat your mistakes.

At least you know you can maintain a very stable and long term relationship with the right woman.

[tree56]

I can understand completely what you've been going through, I am in the same position over the last 3 weeks.. She dumped me for silly reasons, just because she want to "open her wings, explore the world"... And guess what? We were planning to get married next year!!

You know what's worse? That she gave little to no signals before her decision! Everything happened soooo fast, you can't even imagine! One day telling me HOW MUCH she loved me, that I was her soulmate, the person she'd want to have children with, next day deciding to break up because of a stupid fight & saying "i've had enough", and not even want to listen to me, despite me asking her constantly to work on our relationship!

At least, if she could give me some signals, just to prepare me!

Buddy, you're not alone.. What I learned from my case, is that women tend to be much stronger than men.. Just count the ratio between male/female posters on this forum.. Plain statistics, you'll be surprised..

[BigUps]

You know what's worse? That she gave little to no signals before her decision!! Everything happened soooo fast, you can't even imagine !! One day telling me HOW MUCH she loved me, that I was her soulmate, the person she'd want to have children with, next day deciding to break up because of a stupid fight & saying "i've had enough", and not even want to listen to me, despite me asking her constantly to work on our relationship !!

At least, if she could give me some signals, just to prepare me!!

Hi tree, I know EXACTLY what you mean here, I can empathise with you completely mate. My Ex did the same thing. Everything seemed to be fine, we had plans and dreams together, she said she loved me and things were good.

Then out of the blue, BAM "goodbye, I don't want to be with you anymore". I've had the same thoughts, like I wish she could have given more indication so I could mentally prepare myself.

It's the toughest thing I've ever been through so I kind of know the pain you're feeling.

[Synnen]

Honestly?

She probably gave LOTS of signals. TONS of them.

I've noticed, though, that you can't give signals to guys. Unless you say it straight out, or bash them upside the head with it, they're not going to see ANY signal most girls would give out.

[tree56]

The problem is that what YOU women consider a signal, in fact is NOTHING compared to what you SHOULD show to your partner.. You expect us to be expert mind readers, and catch even the slightest signal you give.. Whereas what you would have to do is to be much more open, communicative, and be able to express what you don't like in your partner, so he can change it.. What you women do is so unfair.. Why do we always have to tell you what's wrong so you can have the chance to change, whereas you never do the same thing?

Who do you think we are? Sigmund Freud?

[ajGambino]

Yeah, that's how things were and wound up in the end. Out of the blue, things just happened so fast. No warning, everything was great. I couldn't understand where this came from.

What made it worse was all the faults she was giving me, as if I've been such a horrible person all along. Even when I would try to talk to her about it, she would blow it off and tell me how she's tired of this and that.

She wouldn't let me talk, she was just trying to shut me up and never talk to me again as if I did something horribly wrong to her.

[BigUps]

Honestly?

She probably gave LOTS of signals. TONS of them.

I've noticed, though, that you can't give signals to guys. Unless you say it straight out, or bash them upside the head with it, they're not going to see ANY signal most girls would give out.

Well woman SHOULD say it straight out that there's problems then, if the signals aren't getting through. Then work with their partner to try to resolve the issues.

Dropping subtle hints and then just giving up without putting any effort in is just gutless and pathetic.

[Synnen]

Yelling "you suck at everything that you used to do to make me happy and if you don't change I'm leaving" isn't exactly very constructive, hmm?

Signals include, but are not limited to:

"Why do we never go out anymore?"
"I miss how we used to be when we were first dating"
"I wish you'd pick up more after yourself"
"Why do I always have to be the one to set up our social calendar?"
"I can't believe you forgot (insert birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day, etc)"
"I wish you'd spend more time with me and less on that video game"
"You work all the time and never make time for me!"

Other signs are a disinterest in sex, a disinterest in taking care of you in any way, and a disinterest in doing anything with your family.

Believe me, most girls DO come right out and say something about what's bothering them. However, due to an argument I had with my husband this weekend, I've realized that men and women really do communicate on different levels. He was mad that I wasn't being appreciative enough of the extra things he's done around the house lately, and I was mad that he wasn't more supportive of the OTHER things I'd been doing lately (we're buying a house, and it's really more time consuming than you'd think). NEITHER of us had any clue WHY the other was mad about it. Neither understood that the other WAS mad about it, until it blew up pretty horribly.

I'd BEEN telling him that I needed him to take up some of the things I usually do (dishes and cooking in particular) and he'd BEEN telling me that he didn't mind doing it, but hated that I was crabby about it if it didn't get done and that I didn't say anything when it DID get done. To me, it was a give and take thing--I didn't have TIME to do those chores plus the house stuff... and he didn't understand why I was mad that he wasn't helping more when *I* was doing all the work to get us into a house.

So... BOTH of us thought we'd been communicating and that the other was just ignoring it.

Can you HONESTLY say that there was absolutely NO change in your girl before she broke up with you? Can you honestly say there wasn't SOMETHING she'd been trying to convey to you that she was unhappy about? Frankly, I'd find it very weird for her to be deliriously happy with you on Wednesday, and breaking it off with you on Thursday with no other signs.

[tree56]

Synnen, I don't know if it's pure coincidence or you're a psycho or something ;);) but you got the days correct: it was a Wednesday when she was saying how much she loved me, and a Thursday when she decided to break up, haha ;)

To be honest, I could see over the last 2-3 weeks that something was bothering her about our relationship.. BUT, I kept on asking: "I can see that there's something bothering you, can you please tell me what's it? Is there any way I can help you?".. One day she was depressed, the other day seemed happy, etc.. :confused::confused:

[BigUps]

Signals include, but are not limited to:

"Why do we never go out anymore?" No.
"I miss how we used to be when we were first dating" No.
"I wish you'd pick up more after yourself" No, I already picked up after myself
"Why do I always have to be the one to set up our social calendar?" No.
"I can't believe you forgot (insert birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day, etc)" I didn't forget b'days etc
"I wish you'd spend more time with me and less on that video game" If she had an issue with my leisure activities she never indicated it
"You work all the time and never make time for me!" Again, No

Other signs are a disinterest in sex she liked it more than I did, a disinterest in taking care of you in any way she was very supportive up until the end, and a disinterest in doing anything with your family. We had great relations with each other's families

So errr no, I don't call these things "signals", I call them "her wanting to talk about the problems". This is the issue, if these kind of warning signs were apparent I would have done everything I could to address them. You don't seem to be able to comprehend that none of these things came up.

Believe me, most girls DO come right out and say something about what's bothering them.

Well how lovely that is that most girls do that. Myself (and I believe the other guys in the topic who experienced the same thing) DIDN'T get that, or a chance to work on the issues.

Can you HONESTLY say that there was absolutely NO change in your girl before she broke up with you? Can you honestly say there wasn't SOMETHING she'd been trying to convey to you that she was unhappy about? Frankly, I'd find it very weird for her to be deliriously happy with you on Wednesday, and breaking it off with you on Thursday with no other signs.

The only change was after the night that I suspect she went out and cheated on me.

Frankly, I find it very weird too. Trying to understand it is one of the reasons we post here.

[jmw0713]

I agree with Synnen, woman do drop these hints. However, they are so subtle and far in between that we don't pick up on them. Women will mention things in passing and then won't bring it up again until much later, all the while we think everything is OK.

Women, unlike men, remember things... EVERYTHING. Small, trivial, unimportant things, that keep building and building until it reaches a point. Then it's out to the curb for you.

It's a point system. +1 point for something good. -2 points for something bad. The problem is, we never get to know the real score!

That is why we get blind sided.

[Synnen]

It has NOTHING to do with dropping hints or being subtle or bottling it in.

It has to do with the fact that guys do not communicate the same way that women do.

SHE thinks she's bashing him over the head with a problem, HE thinks she just hinted around it.

The other thing is that (most times) women "discuss" and men "fix". To most men, ONE conversation about something, with a planned resolution, is all that should happen with a problem--and they'll argue THEIR fix to the point where many women are like "whatever, we'll do it your way" then are quietly miserable because they've ALREADY discussed it with you and you haven't budged from your original stance.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with Synnen, a relationship only works with good communication and a lot of compromise. You can't go into a relationship thinking everything is going to be your way, it just isn't logical. Sadly that is a mistake a lot of people make, they go in to the relationship with one vision and that's it. Most problems take more than one discussion to resolve, you have to work towards a resolution together.

[jmw0713]

That's the thing. You never get your point across assertively enough to get a Neanderthal, like me, to understand how big of an issue it is.

The problem is the "whatever, well do it your way." You give up to easily, because you don't want to hash it out. Before the issue even sinks in, you give up the argument and go along with our way to avoid further argument or discussion on the issue.

ONE conversation about something, with a planned resolution, is all that should happen with a problem

Yeah, because women will never want to continue the discussion later. When we bring it up, its always "I don't want to talk about it right now." You never let us compromise and work it out, when we finally understand the problem. Just as much as you may think we don't listen, women do the same thing, by refusing to listen.

Men are always willing to work with you. You just have to get it through our thick heads and not give up when something is really bothering you. AND, when we think for a while to try and understand WHERE you are coming from, you have to be willing to discuss the issue again when it finally clicks in our head.

See communication ain't so difficult!!

[Synnen]

I've managed to work through all of that crap over the last 13 years with my husband.

HOWEVER--we STILL have days when we're on different wavelengths!

It takes WORK to make any relationship work--and I just personally do not believe that ANY relationship ends with NO signs of problems.

[jmw0713]

I agree. I'm glad we came to a compromise on this situation.

I can sleep good tonight...