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Dasan1 · May 2, 2009, 01:46 PM

Little background... I've known this girl for 2 years... Last 3-4months we've been dating and then began a relationship. It's been basically up and down a lot. Knowing her as friend is totally different then knowing her now. I've realized that she has issues that I'm not getting at all...

My main concern is the way she's acting towards me. Sometimes she's nice and lovely... basically the girl I fell for... then other times she's mad, for no reason mind you... takes it out on me and then just becomes this pain in the . I think I figured out that the problem is that I was too damn nice to her. I tried to help her with problems whe had (big mistake) I'm always there for her (meaning I became a doormat)... And the worst of all, I can't stop thinking about her and it's driving me nuts. I know that the best thing would be to break up with her and move on... but at this point I really want to give this one more shot, and this is the whole reason I'm writing here for the first time.

Today she got mad as we were going to get lunch. She started ing about some friends of ours and stuff, and I just told her, what's with you, why are you all mad for no reason, just relax. That got her mad and she stopped talking to me. We had a silent lunch then I just drove her home. I tried talking to her in the past about this issue, but we didn't get anywhere because it just became bigger fight.

Tonight, I'm supposed to go out with her and frankly I don't really feel like it if she'll be like this. I really, Badly need advice on what to do tonight... Please don't reply with "dump her and move on" because I care too much about her at this point... However, if I see that there is no change in her at all in a day or two... it will be over.

So please, just give me advice on what can I do here to stop being mr. nice guy and turn this thing around. Ignore her after we go out? Not go out at all? Not talk to her? Not care... what?

Thank you

sabrewolfe · May 2, 2009, 02:06 PM

At least you know why she treats you that way, you let her. So now you need to decide if you will tolerate it anymore. You want to give it another shot, you care about her, understandable. Go out with her and have a talk with her about it. If she tries to throw everything you say back in your face, dump her. If you don't make a stand now, she will just continue to walk all over you and it will get worse. The sooner you do, the better. Either way, whether she shows an equal respect for you when you talk to her or not, as long as you stand your ground in a tactful but firm way, she will have respect for you because you showed her you respect yourself.

talaniman · May 2, 2009, 02:41 PM

Just me, she can go out with herself for all I would care. But then I'm not a nice guy that can be treated any way someone pleases. She talks, or she walks.

Dasan1 · May 2, 2009, 03:15 PM

Thanks a lot to both of you. Tonight when we go out, there will be bunch of our friends as well... so I can't really talk to her about this because we won't be alone.

I wish I was like you talaniman... then I wouldn't be where I am today.

Thanks again

talaniman · May 2, 2009, 07:42 PM

You don't have to be like me, just love yourself enough not to let people BS you.

makapuu · May 3, 2009, 12:20 AM

You are in a new relationship, you're going to have some growing pains. Once you are in a serious relationship, you get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You seem to really care for this girl but something isn't working. I think you two are having trouble communicating. She is probably just being herself when she talks about her friends. Maybe she does sound mad, but maybe that's how she always sounds. Maybe you never saw that side of her, and you don't like it now. You tell her, "what's with you, why are you all mad for no reason, just relax." Not very loving words if you asked me.

You cannot expect your girlfriend to stop being who she is. If you want to keep this relationship, then I suggest you find ways to communicate with your girlfriend that doesn't upset her.

Dasan1 · May 4, 2009, 07:29 AM

Actually, I'm not trying to change her in being something she is not... I just wish she wasn't like this all the time... I think there is a problem in our relationship, but talking to her I get nowhere. To her everything is fine... but to me, it's obvious I'm not really happy about this arrangement.

Thanks for advice.

Romefalls19 · May 4, 2009, 08:06 AM

Then you be the bigger person, sit her down explain to her why you feel the way you do about the relationship. If she doesn't want to sit and talk it out with you, what does that say about how much she cares about your feelings or the relationship?

Dasan1 · May 4, 2009, 07:41 PM

UPDATE: We had a long talk... We went to coffee place, I figured public place is nice so there can't be any yelling, etc :)

I've said everything that's bothering me about our relationship, the way she was acting, all mad all the time etc. Then she said stuff that bothered her about me... IT's actually for the first time that we had a conversation like this. I kept telling her that I wanted to talk like this for the past month but I could never get a word in because she's always mad.

The results... Well I don't know how good the results are... "we need to take it slow, and just see where it goes from here" It's like we're starting from the beginning I think... I don't know guys how to actually do this now. Yeah I agree that the past month has been hell for both of us, she's been acting distant, etc... But It's like we're going back now. "I miss the begining when we had fun every time we went out" This was not my fault... she's freaking mad every time (which turns out she's mad because of the way I was acting) so how can we have fun.

I agreed on some things... She's different girl then any other I've been in relationship with... I really like her, but I don't kinow how to actually do this relationship with her when I was never in this situation.

Maybe I'm just a girl trapped in a man's body... I don't know, I like to hold hands sometimes with a girl when we walk, I like kissing, hugging, feeling affection... She doesn't seem to be into that. So it's obvious we aren't on the same page here... "I'm not there yet where it's all serious in this relationship, where i can take trips with yout etc." What a hell is there to do then if we can't spend some time together etc.

I honestly don't know... maybe I'm just screwed up because of my past and maybe every real girl is like that, and I've just been dating screwed up ones like myself.

What do you guys think? Taking it slow... I honestly don't know how to do that... I still want to be with her... but are we going to be taking it slow for months to come? Hahah What a waste of my time... or is it?

By the way, I'm 27, she's 24. Talk to me :)

KatiePlce · May 5, 2009, 12:05 AM

If you guys had this talk and she understands how you don't like being her doormat maybe she really wants to make it work with trying to respect you more. See where her actions go from here on & if she slips try and remind her how you feel she's being toward you. Remember you seem like you are getting tired of this as anyone would be. People have there breaking point. Watch for progress and if there is none on her end. Then END IT.

Also remember it takes a breakup for MANY people to know you are serious about they way you feel about a situation. She might treat you like you're the nice guy all the time and get her way, but when you put your foot down and say no more of this non sense and leave her she might wake up and take you serious. Good luck and keep us posted!

Dasan1 · May 5, 2009, 05:17 AM

Why do I keep feeling like this is really a break up. I keep reading on internet and everyone says that when a girl says lets take it slow after couple of months it means I want to be friends but don't know how to let you down. Is this true? All night I had no sleep now because of this...

talaniman · May 5, 2009, 05:24 AM

From what I can tell, you have only been dating 3/4 months despite knowing each other. Things change after you date, and get to know each other.

You get a better look into each others personality, and learn more about what's basically a stranger.

The key to having a happy healthy relationship is how well you can work together, to resolve your issues through honest communications, and that starts with knowing HOW to communicate, and that takes paying attention, and listening as well as talking.

It's a process, and no reason you can't enjoy it. You have to be willing to learn together. Just go slow without high expectations, and see how it works.

Dasan1 · May 5, 2009, 05:55 AM

So to you, you really think she wants to take it slow and not break up? It's just hard to believe that, especially since she used to call at night before bed and now nothing since that talk.

I don't know what to think here... Im having all these thoughts in mu head and it's hard to think straight. Can I do anything here at all?

Dasan1 · May 5, 2009, 02:22 PM

She called me today, but it's just weird now talking to her... It just doesn't feel the same... I'm thinking about going out of town for 2-3 days... but I don't know if that will actually make things worse or better.

Survivor07 · May 5, 2009, 03:25 PM

I wouldn't say it's over yet. Just be cool. Slow down.

You don't want to appear anxious, desperate and insecure. That is not attractive.

You've had your talk. She knows how you feel about her. Give it a little time.

Look at Tal's signature line: Don't make someone else a priority in your life when you're only an option in theirs. That's why you should have no expectations. But you should be enjoying yourself in a relationship.

Sounds like the balance is off. You want a more serious, affectionate relationship. She doesn't... right now.

So, you take it one day at a time. Just be cool about it. Going out of town might be just what you need.

Dasan1 · May 5, 2009, 07:50 PM

Well I'm going away for 2 days... Maybe 3. I'll try to do minimum text and calling because it's just not the same anymore.

Thanks to all... I still feel like this is over, just not official. Sucks but what can I do... Thanks again for reading

none12345 · May 5, 2009, 07:57 PM

The relationship isn't over yet. You guys haven't broken up yet . Clearly you want to make things better. Try talking to her more even though you already did but it leads to bigger fights. Have a deep conversation and don't say anything that will get her mad. Just ask is there anything wrong and try to figure out what it is or simply just give her some space to let her sort out her problems.

Dasan1 · May 6, 2009, 06:41 AM

I don't think talking about this now will do any good. Last night she got mad because I wasn't home when she wanted to come over. I asked her do you want to come over, her answer I don't know. So I'm not just going to wait around for you to decide. I went and saw my friend, then later she calls I'm coming over... well I'm not home.

Then I texted her on my way home and she's all mad. This is just bunch of BS. I'm so stupid for sticking around and putting up with this when I know this is not going anywhere. Yet I can't let go.

kctiger · May 6, 2009, 06:42 AM

You can let go, you just won't. Give it some more BS and you will finally say ENOUGH!!

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 07:11 AM

Eventually you will stop standing behind the horse and move away