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missy0218 · May 2, 2009, 05:57 AM

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have only been married for 3. I do not feel that he is sexually attracted to me anymore. We can go weeks without intercourse and it does not seem to phase him. I use to argue with him and get upset and hurt. Anymore, it does not seem worth arguing about.
We use to have a great sex life. Now it seems like the only time he is turned on is when he watches porn. I never had a problem with him watching it, until recently. I feel like he is turned on by what he sees, not by me. He does nothing but have sex when he gets to that point. There is no touching or kissing or playing. Just quick sex. I hate it.
I have gone through a lot of changes recently, trying to get him to notice. Even doing things that I do not enjoy much, but thought it would turn him on.

I need some advice, I need to know what to do. I love him terribly. We have a great marriage otherwise, but this is really starting to affect me...

Bluerose · May 2, 2009, 06:18 AM

First, you don’t have a great marriage. You are unhappy, that is not a great marriage. You both need to sit down and talk things through. Don’t wait until you are feeling frustrated and in the mood for a fight. Book an appointment with him, tell him you want to sit down and have a serious talk. Then agree that you will both have your say uninterrupted. Make sure you listen to what he has to say or you might miss something really important. You need to do this soon. It sounds like he is getting comfortable with how things are and that will never do unless you are both happy with the way things are.

winding200 · May 14, 2009, 10:45 AM

Hi missy,
I think you should change it ASAP. However, I do not believe any serious discussion actually can develop romantic feelings for a couple.
"We need to talk" means "we are in trouble, and you did something wrong" message to the most of men, and they are defended.

I strongly recommend you should take a cruise trip (Bahamas or Caribbean is a good destination) with your husband WITHOUT KIDS. In my experience, it develops tremendous intimacy and you will enjoy the fantastic time together. Trust me! Don't forget to bring all the sexy outfit with you to amaze your man. It is important.

I have been married for 10 month, and my husband and I have a rule that we should take a cruise trip at least once a year ALONE without Kids for the rest of life. Period. We are actually taking a 7 night cruise at the end of May again, and we are so excited. It will be our 5th cruse together already. We are so much in love and sexually blessed, and cruise trip makes us more intimate. My husband is keep saying that he is so amazed how compatible we are, and how much he is satisfied sexually with me. Marriage should be the way.

Take an action before it is too late.
Good luck and update us after your cruise!

Gemini54 · May 14, 2009, 05:49 PM

As you've realised, nagging and arguing have not helped the situation. They have probably just driven him deeper into his 'cave'.

I suspect that it's not about the sex. The lack of sex is just a symptom of a different problem.

I think that you do need to have 'a talk' but it doesn't have to be about the relationship and it doesn't have to be now. Perhaps you aren't as close as you were and the intimacy is suffering. Why don't you put away your fears and focus on having some pleasant times together - go out for a meal, a movie, for a walk - whatever, talk about other stuff, just talk. Try and enjoy each other's company with no pressure.

As part of this talking you can ask him about him - what is he feeling? How are things going at work? etc. See if you can uncover what the underlying reason is for his withdrawal from your sexual relationship.

It might be something really simple - like problems at work - or, it might be more complicated. In any case, try to back off regarding the sexual demands and he might open up.