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Kia · Apr 26, 2009, 10:26 AM

What do you do when you snoop ( whether right or wrong), and find something suspiscious. But you care for the person and am not sure how to approach it being that you would have to admit that you were snooping. Also, the person has an idea that you snooped but is not mentioning anything.

Some woman (I think; since most men don't repeatedly call their guy friends after 12am, and exclaim that they have called them a million times; thus indicating they are mad that the person did not pick up) called my boyfriend repeatedly after 12am last night. We live together. I looked at the number and all of his made and missed calls. He seems to have deleted part of his call log due to this number not in his list dating at least a month back. I also saw a picture mail from that same number with him in it. He was just posing in the picture; but it was a playful pose and it looks as if someone had taken it.

I've had a lot of trust issues with him since we have been together , but lately I have tried to keep my emotions and accusations at bay because I care about him and part of me wants this to work. So I am purposely not trying to bring this situation up; but it still scares me about what may be going on.

What should I do; Should I approach this , and how so?

P.S> He's a hotheaded guy who angers quickly..

pathisfer · Apr 26, 2009, 10:32 AM

Looks as though your gut feeling was not to trust this guy and so you started looking for evidence because you are second guessing your instincts. If you bring up the issue of not trusting him and he flips out and gets defensive, that tells you he probably does have something to hide. The fact you can't talk him about this also says a lot about not having other types of trust in your relationship- the trust that you can communicate with each other in an honest, respectful manner.
I think there are several red flags in this relationship.

ylaira · Apr 26, 2009, 10:42 AM

Best ways to know if a man really loves you is he cares on how you feel and he's willing to listen what you're going to say. It's basic and should be evident in all stages of the relationship.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2009, 03:56 PM

Is this the guy you left or a new fellow??

Romefalls19 · Apr 26, 2009, 04:09 PM

Tal brings up a good point, which one is this?

The main problem with snooping is, if you do find something, you then have to think of a way to bring it up. Then if you find out it was nothing to worry about, you may have caused a relationship to end because now they are angry and can't trust you because you are going through tough times. If you doubt the person, then why are you with them? They must have done something to make you question them and their trust worthiness, to me that's a deal breaker.

Btw, guys do call each other after 12 am and more than a few times. My brother called me because he needed help at a party, my friend called me after his wife moved out and he needed someone to talk to. It does happen.

Kia · Apr 27, 2009, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Is this the guy you left or a new fellow???

It's the guy I'm with now

Kia · Apr 27, 2009, 08:16 AM

I actually overheard him talking on the phone & it sounded like he was talking to a family member of his that he hasn't talked to in a long time. I heard him mentioning the text message that I saw.

I guess it is hard for me to trust( from some things that happened in the past to me & with him, I have every right to). But, I'm trying to let the things go because the issues always leads to arguments, then not talking, and unwanted tension.

I still have some issues with him not talking or distancing himself for no reason in the apartment & when I ask what's wrong he will say it's nothing. But his body language says something else; especially when I will then hear him laughing and talking on the phone.

We got in a little spat about that. It's not that I'm clingy or need to be all up in someone's face; I just like to know what's up so I can act accordingly. It confuses me & makes me feel a certain way when a person walks around all huffy and closes them self off from me & then is all cheery, cool & laughing when you get on the phone or other people come around. It makes me feel like its personal.

But that's another issue.. lol

I wish · Apr 27, 2009, 10:45 AM

I'm not convinced that letting your doubts go will help you in the long run. If you don't work this out with him, it's going to come back up one day.

Here's a suggestion, instead of bringing up the specific issue, i.e. the girl on his cellphone, maybe you should bring up the trust issue. Let him know about your doubts in general.

Just like what ylaira said, if he cares about you, he will listen to your concerns. Then you guys can work it out together, instead of bottling it up. Communication is the key.

Kia · Apr 27, 2009, 11:32 AM

Well that's the thing; I have brought up the trust issue more than once. But, basically after a few times he said that he already told me he wasn't going to do it again, so I can either trust him or not. I said OK. I know that is basically what it comes down to anyway.

I still question him about some things, where he is going and stuff, and snoop a little from time to time, but I have cut down a lot.

But, body language sometimes makes me wonder, like the kind I just explained.I don't understand it; = but I eventually try to let it go.

talaniman · Apr 27, 2009, 11:44 AM

Originally Posted by Kia

It's the guy I'm with now

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=4246111

That's my problem, sorry, but I'm confused as to who you with since you had problems with a fellow before and was going to leave, so if you could be more specific as to the length of this relationship it would help.

Right now if it's a new guy, I lean toward believing you haven't unpacked your baggage from the other relationship, but some more info could help.

I wish · Apr 27, 2009, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by Kia

I don't understand it; = but I eventually try to let it go.

That doesn't sound too healthy to me. If you lack trust, then it's just going to come back in a future argument. If you can't settle it with him, then your relationship will just gain more tension.

You're basically bottling everything up and building up your fustration with him. If he has no patience to figure the trust issue out with you, then how can you expect him to be there for you when there is a more serious issue?

Kia · Apr 27, 2009, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

Thats my problem, sorry, but I'm confused as to who you with since you had problems with a fellow before and was going to leave, so if you could be more specific as to the length of this relationship it would help.

Right now if its a new guy, I lean toward believing you haven't unpacked your baggage from the other relationship, but some more info could help.

LOL sorry to confuse you talinman. I'm with the guy Ive been living with for the past year. I have mentioned another guy who has been in my life for about 7 years that I have had feelings for; but he is not my boyfriend.

Romefalls19 · Apr 27, 2009, 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by Kia

LOL sorry to confuse you talinman. I'm with the guy Ive been living with for the past year. I have mentioned anohter guy who has been in my life for about 7 years that I have had feelings for; but he is not my boyfriend.

And you don't trust him? Sorry I had to say it, but you have had other feelings for another guy, while dating your boyfriend and he's the one you don't trust?

I am really confused

Kia · Apr 27, 2009, 12:55 PM

OK... in response to that. I am being in a relationship where I am faithful since I have been there. This does not mean that I am dead; or didn't have friends and relationships or feelings for people before him. That guy is a separate issue & does not interfere with my relationship. He's still my friend and I don't address the feelings I have for him ( when I say address I mean I don't let things go too far).

Why do people a lot act like if you are remotely attracted to someone you are not in a relationship with, it indicates some type foulplay or dishonesty in a relationship?

Even married people feel attracted to other people outside of their spouse.. its just about what you do with that attraction; not the fact that you are attracted in the first place...

Romefalls19 · Apr 27, 2009, 01:03 PM

There is a big difference between attraction and feelings. Sure I am attracted to Megan Fox, but I don't have feelings for her.

Feeling - the experiencing of affective and emotional states; "she had a feeling of euphoria"; "he had terrible feelings of guilt"; "I disliked him and the...

Attraction - the force by which one object attracts another