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JohnnyBlog · Apr 19, 2009, 03:25 PM

Although don't be hard on yourself if you slip up from time to time and give in to contacting her. You have to do what feels right for you in your situation. You should never regret telling her things if you feel they need to be said but just think about why you are saying them and if it is for your or her benefit. I found myself doing the same thing and sometimes e-mailed, text or called her and didn't realise how needy I was being until after. But that's all part of what happens until your brain finds a balance and a solid ground, this is when I adopted the attitude of 'she dumped me, oh well its her loss' attitude which makes me feel a lot happier than the 'why did she leave?' attitude.

myuz · Apr 19, 2009, 03:50 PM

What if I do NC for a week or until she contacts me. Then give her an ultimatum which is, you know how I feel and where I stand. SO you need to decide whether you want to make this work with me. If not we go our own ways.

The other side of me thinks if I love her and care respect her then I will give her this time and space to figure herself out. She is not saying to me right now that we will get back together 100%. But she is defintely putting off that vibe and even saying it is her intention.

I just can't help but feel like she is just taking this time to see if she can make it without me and if its too much she will get back with me. If she can make it on her own then she won't need me anymore. Anyone think this is what she's doing? Im almost positive there is no one else. She just wouldn't do that. She herself is havign a very difficult time with this too. I am going to be strong and not contact her though you guys...

Dare81 · Apr 19, 2009, 03:54 PM

If she does not want to be in a relationship with you she won't want you back after a week of NC.NC is about you not about getting your ex back.

Right now you are her backup, if she does not find anyone better she might come back to you.But do you really want to be someone's backup.

itried · Apr 19, 2009, 04:04 PM

She told you that she doesn't want to be with you so that means that you don't contact her unless she contacts you--EVER! IF she wants to she will reach out. If not then she doesn't want you. You need to get on with your life in the meanwhile because she will definitely be exploring her options.. Remember, she broke up with you. Your terms and conditions are meaningless to her.

Oh, and by the way, there probably is another guy. You will always be unpleasantly surprised by your ex's after you break up with them. This is when they actually reveal their true selves.

myuz · Apr 19, 2009, 04:12 PM

OK everyone seems to think time and space means either there is someone else or they are stringing you along in case they want you back. Any girls reading that have asked for time and space and really just needed time and space to think, assess the relationship, be themselves etc??

Like she is putting herself through turmoil as well. Why do this? Is it just in case she thinks she made a mistake. Man this is such a pickle. I realise what you guys are all saying and no I don't want to be her backup plan. Its just part of me really believes her that she needs this time and space to be her again. Like today at lunch she said how I had changed her and made her an anti social type by always being in a room watching TV or something. Like you we got out but nothing like when she was single. See she is a social butterfly type and loves to be around people. So basically she said this time and space is to redefine who she is. She said I have only called her beautiful like 5 times in our whole relationship too. She says I have just hurt her too much and she needs to be apart for awhile.

myuz · Apr 19, 2009, 04:17 PM

Also if there was someone else why would she be texting me sometimes. Tell me she loves me wants to get back together possibly. And she went for lunch with me which was her idea. Then for a walk. Like I see where you guys are coming from but why would she be doing these things if she has another guy already. Man I'm so confused I just don't know what to do

itried · Apr 19, 2009, 04:23 PM

Man, you were with this girl for 4.5 years and NOW all of this is a problem for her?? She was obviously quite happy for 4.49999999 years wasn't she?

Someone or something has sparked a little change in her, and all of the sudden the reasons that she was with you in the first place aren't good enough anymore?? This absolutely screams that someone has gotten into her head. This girl has been changed and there is no looking back for her now. It sucks to hear this I know, but you have to face facts. Why should YOU have to change who you are when who you were before was good enough for 4.5 years? This is not the type of person you want to be with. Don't find this out the hard way. Find someone who wants to be with you for who you are.

As far as the texts and lunches. Even though they were her idea it still means nothing. She doesn't miss you. She misses being with someone. As soon as she has some other guy to do this with, you're out the door. Then she'll probably start acting like she hates you. Don't put yourself through this.

myuz · Apr 19, 2009, 05:11 PM

Thanks everyone for all your input. The general consensus is to move on. I will keep you all posted I'm still thinking of giving her the ultimatum in a weeks time.

myuz · Apr 25, 2009, 09:41 PM

UPDATE!!

I saw her tonight at the bar, she was with a group of friends. I texted her to meet me downstairs. She did. She has talked about marriage all along and tonight I told her I am ready to marry her and the only reason I don't have a ring yet is because I don't want to buy her back. I told her she's the only girl I want to be with and that I love her so much. She said she feels the same way. But that she needs more time and doesn't want tto be pressured back yet. I told her that I want to wait a lifetime for her but I can't because it is just to hard on me emotionally and physically. I can't believe this happened. I was good and we had a week of no contact. I want to be with her forever and she feels the same way...

myuz · Apr 25, 2009, 09:42 PM

WhAT NOW! Are some people meant to be together?

Horth · Apr 26, 2009, 02:45 AM

If your meant to be together you will. Stop trying and move on! If she wants you she will come crawling back. Stop finding reasons to talk to her and proclaim your love. She obviously knows you want her.

Dare81 · Apr 26, 2009, 03:57 AM

Originally Posted by myuz

WhAT NOW! Are some people meant to be together?

I don't know if some people are meant to be togather, but you have made it evidently clear that you want her, the ball is in her court, she has told you she wants space and time which by the looks of it you are refusing to give.Back off move on with your life.Even if she comes back the obcession that you have with her would be unhealthy.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2009, 08:00 AM

I was good and we had a week of no contact. I want to be with her forever and she feels the same way...

That's not all the way true. Actually you think that's how she feels, when its obvious she doesn't. You can see this any way you want to, but its still a fact, her feelings have changed, and your not coping with it well.

Leave her alone, and eventually you'll accept the fact, its time to do something else with your life, as that chapter is over.

myuz · Apr 26, 2009, 09:58 AM

talaniman she said to me straight up that she feels the same and that she wants to be with me forever and loves me. She also said she just doesn't think 2 1/2 weeks is enough time for us to have really changed.

She knows how I feel regardless and I am not going to contact her and try to move on. I let her know that I cannot wait forever for her and in a few weeks time I will let go and move on.

myuz · Apr 26, 2009, 12:15 PM

Well we talked today and its over. She made her decision. You guys were right. Now I must move on. This feels so awful. I think I pushed her away and blew what little chance I had. You guys were all right. But at the end of the day I can say I really tried though. She is the one who lives with the doubting herself if she made the right decision or not.

She knows I was willing to change so much. She knows I was ready to marry her. She knows how much I loved her and wanted to be with her forever.

I just feel kind of lost right now. But at the same time I feel a little better knowing she has made a decision and I am not in limbo now. If her and I are meant to be together it will happen I think but I cannot do anything about it. I need to let go and move on.

What's the easiest way to do this?

itried · Apr 26, 2009, 12:53 PM

You just have to keep your mind occupied by doing things that you enjoy. Exercise, read, play sports, go on a trip, whatever. Just focus on yourself. It's going to be really hard for you right now but you just have to push through it. Don't give yourself an opportunity to dwell on her.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2009, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by myuz

Well we talked today and its over. She made her decision. You guys were right. Now I must move on. This feels so awful. I think I pushed her away and blew what little chance I had. You guys were all right. But at the end of the day I can say I really tried though. She is the one who lives with the doubting herself if she made the right decision or not.
Sounds good but means nothing!!! Find another way to stroke your wounded ego.
She knows I was willing to change so much. She knows I was ready to marry her. She knows how much I loved her and wanted to be with her forever.
She also knows she didn't feel the same way as you did. Now you know.
I just feel kind of lost right now. But at the same time I feel a little better knowing she has made a decision and I am not in limbo now. If her and I are meant to be together it will happen I think but I cannot do anything about it. I need to let go and move on.
Her decision was made when she broke up with you, so just notice what it took, and how long it took for you to get it. Thats important for future reference.
Whats the easiest way to do this?

Re-read your post again, and you will see that question has been answered, but you weren't ready to hear it, so it fell on deaf ears. It happens, so go back, and re read the advice given... just to refresh,

When a partner asks for a break, give it to them, and forget all the things you said during the good times to each other. You have to face the fact, that people change how they feel, and what they want.

Now is the time to learn to deal with your own feelings, without any influence from her, and make your own plans to heal, regroup, and rebuild a life that you enjoy, without her in it.

Only by having no contact with her whatsoever, can you get over the shock, disappointment, and the rejection, your now feeling and avoid the confusion that comes with a break up, especially a long term one like you had, and get over the emotional attachments, you have made. It sucks for now, but will get better if your good to yourself, and work on rebuilding yourself.

Sorry for your loss, but give yourself a chance to heal the hole in your soul. That takes time, but you have plenty of it.

,

There is much more from others as well, if your ready to listen.

myuz · Apr 26, 2009, 03:57 PM

Well she's coming over to get the spare key for her car and a few other things, I gave her a approximately 350 dollar promise ring. I don't know if I should take this back or not. She asked me if I want it back or not. I said what are you going to do with it , she said probably look at it everyday...

My other question is what about things that she has ogtten me over the years, like t shirts, dvds a hat. Should I keep these or will it make it that much harder to move on? Just wondering because I've never really went through this before.

ibrown · Apr 26, 2009, 04:01 PM

Never push the issue of staying together.Because she could feel that she has to to keep you happy and eventually the relationship will turn into a bad direction.So give her space to find herself and when you are back together she can give you what she couldn't at first.. trust me I know been in the situation!

kctiger · Apr 26, 2009, 05:31 PM

Originally Posted by myuz

well shes coming over to get the spare key for her car and a few other things, i gave her a approximately 350 dollar promise ring. I dont know if i should take this back or not. She asked me if i want it back or not. I said what are you gonna do with it , she said probably look at it everyday...

My other question is what about things that she has ogtten me over the years, like t shirts, ,dvds a hat. Should I keep these or will it make it that much harder to move on? Just wondering because ive never really went through this before.

Either trash them, give them away, or store them somewhere that is not easily accessible for you. All the gifts, cards and other things from her will do nothing but make it harder for you to move on, so yes, out of sight, out of mind, so to speak.