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myuz · Apr 16, 2009, 08:48 AM

So the reasons she gave me for breaking up were Im not social enough and hang out with her friends and family enough. She also said she feels like she has just been in a relationship for so long that she needs time to be herself and be independent again. Also she wants to not always have to consider someone else all the time. Just be free I guess. The other reason is she knows I want to live somewhere else with her one day not here and she wants to stay here. I told her I would never leave without her and unless she wanted to go to.

The first week I did all sorts of surprises and spontaneous things to try and get her back. None of it worked she kept sayign she needs time and space. The crazy thing is this is all from a girl who has talked about marriage all along even in the last month or so. Things in the last few months have been great too. We have been getting along great doing nice things together. I have been showing her a lot more affection especially in public which I didn't so much before and it bothered her. I just don't understand the space thing because we only hang out maybe twice a week and I don't control her at all. She goes out with her friends , gets drunk has fun. And then whammo out of the blue this happens.

We have had our problems like any couple but never anything too big a deal.

Any idea why this would happen and what I should do now?

artlady · Apr 16, 2009, 09:13 AM

The first week I did all sorts of surprises and spontaneous things to try and get her back. None of it worked she kept sayign she needs time and space.

Perhaps in her mind it was too little too late.

Very often when people ask for space,what are truly saying is * I don't want this relationship anymore,I care about you as a friend because I loved you once but I do not love you now or I would still want to be with you*.

It is a gentle and cowardly way to break -up.

Her sending mixed signals by talking about marriage could just be confusion on her part.

I think you need to maintain no contact with her and respect her wishes.

Its sad to say but it would seem she is done with this relationship and I think perhaps you need to begin accepting that it is over.

myuz · Apr 16, 2009, 10:00 AM

The thing is that she told me she loves me and will always love me. That she just needs time to be by herself and to think. I sent her a to do list and lots of my to things to do invloved her and how I am committed to fix things. She said to me the list was so lovely and that she hopes I can do them, "just not right now." She said she might even need a month... I asked her if this was just an easy way of breaking it off or if she was maybe kind of keeping me around in case she changes her mind. She said she just needs space. I just don't want to keep hanging on to us if it is going to be for nothing. I think I am going to let go and see what she does cause I haven't really left her alone or given her time to miss me or want to come back...

artlady · Apr 16, 2009, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by myuz

The thing is that she told me she loves me and will always love me. That she just needs time to be by herself and to think. I sent her a to do list and lots of my to things to do invloved her and how I am committed to fix things. She said to me the list was so lovely and that she hopes I can do them, "just not right now." She said she might even need a month...I asked her if this was just an easy way of breaking it off or if she was maybe kinda keeping me around in case she changes her mind. She said she just needs space. I just dont want to keep hanging on to us if it is gonna be for nothing. I think I am gonna let go and see what she does cause I havent really left her alone or given her time to miss me or want to come back....

I think for your own piece of mind giving her the requested space is a good idea.
She said she will always love you and that may be so.I love my exe's as well.simply for the fact that I loved them once,sincerely.

The love that you feel for someone you have been in love with and the love that is needed to sustain a relationship are two different types of love.

She may not miss you and want to come back and you need to be prepared for that as well.

While it is great that you are willing to change things I hope you are making those personal changes for YOU. To improve yourself for yourself and not anyone else.

myuz · Apr 16, 2009, 10:43 AM

Thanks artlady for your input. I do realise I may have lost her for good. I told her I won't give up on us. That this has been a huge eye opener for me. The change is both for me and for us to have a better relationship. Some of the change will simply make me a better person. If its years later I will show up on her doorstep with a rose because I believe in true love. She does too or at least did...

artlady · Apr 16, 2009, 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by myuz

thanks artlady for your input. I do realise I may have lost her for good. I told her I wont give up on us. That this has been a huge eye opener for me. The change is both for me and for us to have a better relationship. Some of the change will simply make me a better person. If its years later I wil show up on her doorstep with a rose because I believe in true love. She does too or at least did...

Its good to believe in true love but again,even true love does not always last forever.
I have had more than one true love in my life and at 54 I would say I was lucky to have them all.They all helped me to be who I am today.
Good luck to you!

stillfading · Apr 16, 2009, 01:23 PM

Bro I understand where you're coming from. My girl and I had an awesome last weekend after several stupid fights and she wrote me a love letter confessing all her love for me. The next day she moved out while I was at work, telling me she needs space blah blah.

Someone else had caught her eye. You're going to say "no no never. i know her. she wouldnt ever..." but sadly I will almost guarantee it.

I'm on day 9 of NC man, that is where you need to go next.

myuz · Apr 16, 2009, 09:35 PM

Thanks stillfading... how do you know your girl is with someone else... How does a guy know if she is just "taking time" to be with someone else?

Dare81 · Apr 16, 2009, 10:41 PM

You need to backup, it's a little too late to be doing things for her now. All the surprises and spontaneous things that you are doing are just pushing her away.Anyways whatever the reason may be for breakup , you need to understand this, she does not want to be in a relationship with you.Leave her alone

kctiger · Apr 17, 2009, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by myuz

thanks stillfading...how do you know your girl is with someone else...How does a guy know if she is just "taking time" to be with someone else?

You don't know until you know... simple as that. Worrying about it doesn't solve any of YOUR problems. I had to swallow my pride when my girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years, as I thought I was such a swell guy. But I faced the facts, I made mistakes as much as she did, and I contributed to the demise of the relationship as much as she did. But, you know what? That is all right. That is what we go through life for, to live through these experiences and to find out what makes us happy, what makes us tic, so to speak.

Right now, it sucks, and your emotions are running at 100mph, and you think this is the end of your life, so to speak. It's not, it is merely the beginning of the next chapter, a chapter that is blank, and written by you, for YOU! Sorry to get all preachy on you, I had a profound day yesterday, and I want to make sure my words have an impact on you. Good luck, I know it sucks, but you will make it through this.

Carry on... :cool: (Had to do it)

talaniman · Apr 17, 2009, 08:43 AM

When a partner asks for a break, give it to them, and forget all the things you said during the good times to each other. You have to face the fact, that people change how they feel, and what they want.

Now is the time to learn to deal with your own feelings, without any influence from her, and make your own plans to heal, regroup, and rebuild a life that you enjoy, without her in it.

Only by having no contact with her whatsoever, can you get over the shock, disappointment, and the rejection, your now feeling and avoid the confusion that comes with a break up, especially a long term one like you had, and get over the emotional attachments, you have made. It sucks for now, but will get better if your good to yourself, and work on rebuilding yourself.

Sorry for your loss, but give yourself a chance to heal the hole in your soul. That takes time, but you have plenty of it.

myuz · Apr 17, 2009, 08:29 PM

Update!!

Now she is texting me saying she misses me and such. I said well do you want to hang out tongiht(friday) or should I come pick you up for lunch. And she says no I need more time and space. Maybe Sunday for breakfast she says. Then she admitted how bad she wants to see me but just needs more time. I said I understand and ttyl. NOw tonight Im going out with a bunch of friends and picking up a super cute girl I used to work with to go have some fun. I am done sitting around waiting for her. If it is going to happen then she can initiate it. I still love her with all my heart and want to marry her one day... What should I do now am I playing this right?

Dare81 · Apr 18, 2009, 02:18 AM

She is playing around with you, she probably misses you, but missing someone and being n a relationship with someone are two different things

talaniman · Apr 18, 2009, 05:03 AM

No! Your headed down a path that leads to more confusion, heart break, and drama.

myuz · Apr 19, 2009, 09:58 AM

So were meeting for lunch. I asked if she wanted to go to a movie or something later. She said no we aren't going on a date. Last week when we talked when I asked her how much time and space she needs she said maybe a month. But then two days later she was texting me and saying humph I miss you, like she said when we were dating. The she said no matter how bad she wants to see me she can't cause she just needs more time and space. I just don't get it. LIke I don't know if I should keep hanging on , like maybe she does just need a little time and space. SHe is worth it and we had something great going on so I don't want to give up. I just don't know what to think of all this and why she is sending mixed signals. Like she wants to meet for lunch but needs more time and space...

JohnnyBlog · Apr 19, 2009, 10:42 AM

Hi, your situation sounds exactly like mine about 3 months ago. Check out my original post. She said she missed me, she came round but in the end it all led to her being more confused and prolonged the inevitable! Trust me, tell her that you don't want to see her and need your own time. Keep it no contact unless she says specifically that she made a huge mistake and wants to talk about sorting it out.

myuz · Apr 19, 2009, 12:54 PM

So what ended happenign with you two johnnyblog? Back together? I just got back from lunch and then I took her for a walk by the river. We had a nice time. She doesn't want to get back together as she is still taking time and doesn't even know what she wants. She said she's on a emotional roller coaster. She emphasized the fact that we are broken up and that we are just friends. She needs time to be her again. We both told each other we loved one another. I told her I understand she needs her time and that is fine. I have really made a lot of changes already and she even noticed. I told her how I have realised that money is nothing without the one you love.

During lunch she told me we won't be getting back together tomorrow or not even next week. She also said she just needs time to be her again and to not be in a relationship. I said OK. I said this time is good for us and that it has been a real eye opener for me. I defintely let it be known I want to be back with her. It ended with us saying I love you and a big hug. I said take care and she said I will talk to you in a week or so.

itried · Apr 19, 2009, 01:07 PM

When they say that they need time and space. It usually means that they want someone/something else. When they string you along it's because they just don't know what that something is yet. What it ends up being is the feeling of being in a new relationship.

Women are extremely indecisive and are governed by emotions/feelings. They can't be alone for long, so the line about finding herself is crap. She'll soon find herself with another guy. She doesn't understand that she is going to end up in the same place with whatever new relationship she gets into.

Don't get burned when she says she misses you. It all returns to the point I made about them not being able to be alone. It's just a trap. Don't fall into it!

JohnnyBlog · Apr 19, 2009, 03:17 PM

What itried said is exactly right, it is what happened to me. They don't mean to do any of this in a vindictive way, they really are confused and are basically telling you that she is not sure whether not she wants you. So you need to basically not put up with her indecisiveness and cut off contact with her. This is best for the both of you.

Dare81 · Apr 19, 2009, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by myuz

so what ended happenign with you two johnnyblog? Back together? I just got back from lunch and then I took her for a walk by the river. We had a nice time. She doesnt want to get back together as she is still taking time and doesnt even know what she wants. She said shes on a emotional roller coaster. She emphasized the fact that we are broken up and that we are just friends. She needs time to be her again. We both told each other we loved one another. I told her I understand she needs her time and that is fine. I have really made a lot of changes already and she even noticed. I told her how I have realised that money is nothing without the one you love.

During lunch she told me we wont be getting back together tomorow or not even next week. She also said she just needs time to be her again and to not be in a relationship. I said ok. I said this time is good for us and that it has been a real eye opener for me. I defintely let it be known I want to be back with her. It ended with us saying I love u and a big hug. I said take care and she said I will talk to you in a week or so.

She will keep on playing these games with you, unless you make her stop,Start doing NC.