[nika5781]

Hello, everyone. Great site! I'm new here and I have quite the dilemma. About 7 years ago I was engaged to this great guy. We were supposed to be married on Aug. 25th, 2001, but that never happened. What happened was, about a month or so before our wedding, I cheated on him. I am normally not the person to cheat on someone (seriously), but I guess I got some serious cold feet. And to make matters worse, because I felt so guilty about what I did, I called the wedding off 4 weeks before it was supposed to happen. It's like the whole time I was doing all of this I kept telling myself "don't do this" but I did it anyway. It's like I didn't have control over my own actions, if that makes any sense. Well the months and years passed and he tried to reconcile with me so many times, but I just couldn't let myself be with him because I was so ashamed. Now here we are 7 years later and I decided to look him up a few months ago because I was curious. Well I find out that not only is he "happily" married but he has two kids. I found his website and all he does is gush about how great his life is and how happy he is.

Well that's fine. One part of me wants nothing but the best for him. But, now that there's no chance of ever getting him back, I realize that I was so messed up back then and I made a terrible mistake. I want so badly to go back in time and change what I did. It's to the point that it's making me physically ill. My hair falls out and I can't sleep anymore. I decided to write his parents a letter to apologize (because I hurt them too, they loved me) and I thought it would give me some closure. But, it hasn't. I still think/obsess over it. I don't know how to get over this. I sent him a myspace message at one point, but he just put me on ignore, which only made it worse for me. Even after we broke up he still would talk to me, but now he won't. I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I can't afford a therapist and I'm already on anti-depressants. I'm not going to increase or change my rx at this point. I feel so bad because I'm coveting a married man.

If anyone has gone through something similar, please reply. Or reply if you have any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks in advance.

[Nestorian]

I may have some clerification for you. IF you 'd like to hear it.

But I have a question, how is your life now??
And what makes you feel you should be with him now??

[nika5781]

Well right now my life is so-so. It's not horrible, but its not terrific either. I don't know what sparked these feelings all of a sudden. I know I always loved him, but I guess seeing how my life would've/could've/should've been is what's making it hard all of a sudden. Also, I think I might be bipolar and that's probably what caused me to act as erratic as I did back then. Although, I'm not making excuses. I just know that it was a mistake and now I can't fix it.

[Nestorian]

I don't like posting this one message like this but here you go.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, it happened, and yes life may seem so dark and dreary that you are physically ill, but you can get better. The power of thoughts is amazing. What's more interesting is that you are able to come out of this better and happier then before.

Ok so here is what you may want to do, take him off any myspace and such that you have, and let go of the contact, I know it's hard but it will be helpful. Next, ask yourself, why did I do what I did? Then forgive yourself, sure it hurt people, but you were scarred and unsure and you need to forgive yourself for being human. This is weighing upon your mind very heavily and if you can't get to the reasons behind it it will terrorize you.

Now, I'm not saying you were abused, but have you ever bin abused in any way? I know it's personal, but in order to truly figure this out you should ask yourself this, and open the doors to pains long since barred but still they bleed. You don't' have to tell me, or if you don't' want others to see, message me on the side. But maybe that will give you insight to why you may have felt insecure with him, or what ever the reason.

Now, if you did uncover anything, try to reason it out, remember that you are human and you have needs, and don't always know how to deal with any given situation. Forgive yourself.

Letting go, since you can't be with him, you may want to try letting go, cuase if you don't it could turn into something very bad. The way to do this is to try recalling all the memories of him, get rid of the pictures, even if to just put them in a box (which I recommend, I did this when my ex left me. She is happy I'm not entirely. Very similar to your situation.), and put them away. Now as you recall the memories try to play them back and relive them, good and bad, and other wise. But at the end of them let it go. Almost imagine it being erased, and turning blank.

I have a lot more to tell you but I'm very short on time, I feel very strongly connected to you as I have a chemical imbalancing of my brain, no I'm not crazy but I'm manic depressive, I know now what that means and I am just as pained about my ex as you are about yours. I'll suggest you read the self help book, “the brain that changes itself.” Especially chapter 4, “acquiring taste and love.” I'll tell you more later let me know how you are, and keep going it will pass. You will feel better.
I told you my personal stuff so you'd know I understand your pain. What very little I can.


Ok, I'll talk to you again soon, feel free to tell me what you feel you must.

[Nestorian]

Well right now my life is so-so. It's not horrible, but its not terrific either. I don't know what sparked these feelings all of a sudden. I know I always loved him, but I guess seeing how my life would've/could've/should've been is what's making it hard all of a sudden. Also, I think I might be bipolar and that's probably what caused me to act as eratic as I did back then. Although, I'm not making excuses. I just know that it was a mistake and now I can't fix it.

You can fix it, just not with him, there are others out there don't give up.

[nika5781]

Thanks nestorian, I appreciate it. The only time I was abused was with a guy I was with after my ex. So, I don't think that is an issue. I can't help but feel since I can no longer have him, then that's why I'm so upset. The old saying comes to mind: "Don't know what you got until it's gone". Well he is definitely gone, but if I only wanted him because I can no longer have him, then I don't think my feelings could last this long. I've been feeling like this for almost a year now (give or take). I know jealousy has some part in it, but I really DO love him. I just made bad choices.

[Nestorian]

Thanks nestorian, I appreciate it. The only time I was abused was with a guy I was with after my ex. So, I don't think that is an issue. I can't help but feel since I can no longer have him, then that's why I'm so upset. The old saying comes to mind: "Don't know what you got until it's gone". Well he is definately gone, but if I only wanted him because I can no longer have him, then I don't think my feelings could last this long. I've been feeling like this for almost a year now (give or take). I know jealousy has some part in it, but I really DO love him. I just made bad choices.

I see, it is true, we more often then not don't realise how good we had it until it's gone. But you did realise it, even at the time you felt you shold have still went with him, but you decided against it, may I inquire as to why?

Also, you could very well still have him, though the chances are very slim, but life can always through a curve ball at you. The fact that he is married and happy is not important, the fact that you are not, is. May I ask how old you are, I know some women don't like to give this out, I'm only curious because maybe you had hoped you'd be married and happy yourself by now? And you feel that the guys you've dated after him have fallen short of the bar?

[Nestorian]

Maybe you feel stressed and anxious because you worry you won't find a guy, or a guy as great as him. Or maybe your meds are not working right, I have had that lately myself. SO very anoying, being Bi polar. Eh?

[Nestorian]

Ok, I ralise I'm getting way off topic here but look on YouTube, THe humans are dead, and Albie the Racist Dragon. Haha, funny stuff. Maybe that will help. I know it helps me, when I feel down. Oh and Jenny, good fun that is. Let me how you find it eh?

[talaniman]

I feel so bad because I'm coveting a married man.

You made a mistake years ago, and have not forgiven yourself so you can be happy with yourself again. Whatever has happened lately and stirred up those old feelings, has you looking back and not forward.

I strongly suggest you seek out a life that you enjoy, and let go of your past and make a future. That starts with cutting contact and rebuild your life.

You don't fix mistakes, you learn from them, and don't repeat them.

[lory11]

I feel so bad for you. You are in a limbo and him ignoring you has just reinforced the rejection that you already feel. You seemed to have moved on in some ways by recognising what made you do certain things, however torturing yourself by looking at his comments about his happy life will only make you worse. Write him a letter ----DO NOT POST IT!! Apologise to him in the letter, pour out all you feelings, take that letter and go somewhere you both use to go and burn it.Accept that he is with someone else, wish him well and ask God to send you someone. He is gone for good and his life is separate from yours as yours is from him. Most people would suggest going out, meeting friends, but I have been where you are and no amount of social activity will help until you have forgived yourself and realised you are human and you too deserve happiness. Pray that that day will come soon and that it will be someone who deserves you. Someone you feel completre and whole enough with that no one will take you from him and you will want no one but him. Watch what happens when you release and let go. Wrte this mantra and put it on your fridge I WILL LET GO, god bless Lory