Still in love with my now married ex fiancé
Hello, everyone. Great site! I'm new here and I have quite the dilemma. About 7 years ago I was engaged to this great guy. We were supposed to be married on Aug. 25th, 2001, but that never happened. What happened was, about a month or so before our wedding, I cheated on him. I am normally not the person to cheat on someone (seriously), but I guess I got some serious cold feet. And to make matters worse, because I felt so guilty about what I did, I called the wedding off 4 weeks before it was supposed to happen. It's like the whole time I was doing all of this I kept telling myself "don't do this" but I did it anyway. It's like I didn't have control over my own actions, if that makes any sense. Well the months and years passed and he tried to reconcile with me so many times, but I just couldn't let myself be with him because I was so ashamed. Now here we are 7 years later and I decided to look him up a few months ago because I was curious. Well I find out that not only is he "happily" married but he has two kids. I found his website and all he does is gush about how great his life is and how happy he is.
Well that's fine. One part of me wants nothing but the best for him. But, now that there's no chance of ever getting him back, I realize that I was so messed up back then and I made a terrible mistake. I want so badly to go back in time and change what I did. It's to the point that it's making me physically ill. My hair falls out and I can't sleep anymore. I decided to write his parents a letter to apologize (because I hurt them too, they loved me) and I thought it would give me some closure. But, it hasn't. I still think/obsess over it. I don't know how to get over this. I sent him a myspace message at one point, but he just put me on ignore, which only made it worse for me. Even after we broke up he still would talk to me, but now he won't. I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I can't afford a therapist and I'm already on anti-depressants. I'm not going to increase or change my rx at this point. I feel so bad because I'm coveting a married man.
If anyone has gone through something similar, please reply. Or reply if you have any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks in advance.