[AllyPally]

Hi, I'm new here but hope you may be able to help me.
I'm so confused & I apologise for the long post.
My partner has decided to end our 11 year relationship due to me being unable to talk to him about financial problems that we are having. By not talking to him he has said that I am lying to him.
To cut a long story short, everything was great until the last couple of years, when bills started to rise (mortgage etc, we bought a house 5 years ago that is way beyond our means) & get out of control. He knew that I was never the greatest at making sure everything was done ontime or by talking but still left me to get on with it. Anyway over the last 12 months he found out that I was not saying anything about us getting into arrears on our mortgage. I tried to explain that I was scared of his reaction as he had reacted badly in the past when I didn't pay a bill on time & they were chasing me. I have had bills come through in the past where we are being chased & managed to resolve them without him knowing so thought I would be able to do this again. Anyway, we managed to get past this one but I had to break down exactly where everything had been spent. It seem to work & he realised that we didn't have enough money to cover the essentials so by getting behind on the bills was inevitable. However, I had broken his trust & on top of this he was going through a cancer scare at the same time. Our house was already on the market but at the height of the media scrum it wasn't helping either.
After this, he made me promise that nothing else was outstanding. I just pretended & said it was as I love him & didn't want us to go our separate ways, but it wasn't. The tax office was trying to make his ltd company insolvent as I couldn't afford to pay the tax on top of all the bills (he contracts & needed the company to earn his wages) & as always I thought I could solve it & again would be none the wiser. I was wrong. They managed to get an insolvency order which I was notified about at the end of March. 3 days after finding out & I was still trying to pluck up the courage to tell him he sent me an email asking why there was an insolvency order on the company. He had found out by the agency he is working through. That was it. He came home that night & said it was over. When asking why didn't I say anything my response of being scared & not wanting to lose him was seen as an excuse & if I believe that then I had nothing to lose by telling him. He has never helped me with anything to do with running of the house in the last few years (we both work full time, I have a son from a previous relationship & it became my responsibility to do everything to do with the house/family/ltd company etc) and I think by this point I was mentally exhausted I had no reactions.
This was just over a week ago & he is adamant there is no going back & just keeps asking me what I am going to be doing. At this point I don't have a clue. He is going round the house asking what do I want etc. Neither one of us in a position financially to move out until the house is sold.
He has been quite calm over that last few days, we are still sharing the same bed & I'm still doing all the normal household things & trying sort out financing his new car. Then the other night he asked me for sex but said it meant nothing had changed & that I wasn't to get emotional. I secummed as I love him & wanted him. Now my head is in a worse place than it was before & I think I knew it was wrong but how can you get someone out of your head that you love so much.
I suppose by these actions I am questioning whether it is really over or not. Why would you want to sleep with someone who you tell it is over & there is no going back, but they know you don't want it to finish. Once the house has sold we have both decided we are going to rent for a while separately but whilst sleeping together he did say there was no reason why we couldn't as long as I understood that there is no emotional ties.
Aside from the finance side of things our relationship has been great & I know that once we are away from this house & the pressure things will be different but I don't want to lose him. We were friends for 8 years prior to us getting together.
Is there a chance for us? I know it takes 2 people to make a relationship work but I am asking for other readers experiences of it possibly working.

[DazzaGal]

In my experience it seems that we all want what we can't have, so I'm referring to the intimate parts of your relationship, seems your partner wants his cake and eat it too, and while you give in to him you disrespect yourself in the process- now I'm only saying this because I have been exactly where you are right now, I gave in because I felt that he would keep wanting me and by keeping the affection alive then maybe the rest would return too... now I'm having to face the fact that I have been left feeling used! And hurt! If you want the whole package then maybe you need to work through some of your other problems and become better somehow at doing all the other stuff that you was not so good at before, or at least try to find the best ways responsibly about dealing with finances, etc etc, I continued to have intimate moments with my ex as I said and we did grow together somewhat- but it was all at his say so as and when he wanted contact, like I said I feel used and hurt- how could he do it to me? But the fact is he could do whatever he wanted to do because I was allowing it! I'm trying to work on myself now to make myself stronger, yes I do hope that soon one day my ex will realize that he wants to be with me, but I want all or nothing. I suppose you have to ask yourself what it is that you want too-

[DazzaGal]

There is a saying that comes with all Talanimans' answers on this site about achieving great things together, conquering things together, and it seems that when all was going wrong your partner wanted to lay the blame with u, now I'm not saying this was the case but couples pull together when they have problems to deal with, instead of putting blame with anyone in their way- in a relationship you have to be able to communicate, otherwise it won't work, but did he really not know anything about the financial situation? Or was it that he too was burying his head in the sand! As we have all been guilty of at some point in our lives

[Justwantfair]

I am going to try not to beat it into the ground that you have made some very big marital errors here. Financially allowing your family to get run into the ground by burying your head in the sand was not very mature. If you felt burdened by handling the finances, you needed to address that situation, it's not an excuse for the situation you are in.

Marriage often can not work through financial situations and ultimately you took both you and your husband down. Also involving his business as well. If I was in your husband's position, I would be ready to walk away as well. Even after an eleven year investment.

Your husband at this point is wrong to request sex, no strings. You are wrong to give it to him. Suggest marriage counseling, but at this point I would sleep on the couch. I don't see a reconciliation.

[talaniman]

Stop with the sex first, and get some financial counseling. While I agree that you not being more forthcoming with the finances, Is a huge problem, he shares some blame himself.

Solve this together, and work together through some honest communications, and for gosh sakes, stop being afraid to deliver important bad news.

That may help for now, but its important for you to find practical solutions, and get rid of debts, and live within your means, whether you stay together or not. Talk business, as sex is not your solution.

You should have learned some very valuable lessons, the hard way. Don't waste that experience.

[DazzaGal]

Sometimes there is no way out of these financial situations, especially when you take an unrealistic amount in the first place, there is just not enough to go around, and something has to give! Or it will all give and crash, again I can't believe that your partner knew nothing of the financial situation at all so maybe you could ask yourself if there are other problems that you are not aware of, maybe you are blaming yourself only and he is finding it easier for you to take the blame- making him feel better all round. Can I just ask you- you have said that the other night you was trying to sort the financing out on his new car? Was that he now has a new car also?
Forgive me, but seems that he hasn't stopped spending money that the two of you just don't have! When you can't afford it, you don't buy it!
But he can blame you for that right! I think that at some point you will realise that he too was responsible for the financial situation being the way it is, and if he knew that you was not very good at that sort of thing in the first place why did he give that job entirely to you? Just food for thought!

[artlady]

I will only add to what others have already said.

Regarding the sex,is that O.K. with you? Don't you feel used and disrespected? It that a subtle form of punishment?

What you did was wrong,no doubt about it but his over reaction is suspect to me.

Its almost like he is looking for an excuse to end the marriage and this financial brouhaha is the perfect excuse.

Was it wrong,yes,but is it a deal breaker in marriage,I don't personally think it is.You can always make more money and you can always get out of debt ,working together.

Isn't marriage about through thick and thin,good times and bad?

He needs to stop punishing you and you need to stop letting him.