[loulou1978]

My story is a bit complicated so il try and get straight to the point. I was/am married, approx 2 years ago me and my husband split up and I started seeing this guy, we dated for approx 1 month then ended up splitting and me going back to my husband.

He broke up with me saying he wasn't ready for a relationship etc etc and I was gutted but got myself together and decided that I wanted to give my marriage another go. Me and my husband got back together and everything was fine, but every 3 months my ex would text me asking how I am etc etc. For the 1st 9 months I ignored him and then after that I text him back saying I was OK. He asked to meet up for a beer and I said yes sure. When we met we ended up kissing.To cut a long story short my ex was asking me to get back with him and I was saying no as he hurt me last time, I do love my husband and really need to get the passion back in our relationship.

I met my ex a few more times over the next 9 months (approx 4 times) and we kissed but nothing more, he was saying he still loved me and wanted me back. I found out that he was seeing so many women whilst pleading to get back with me. Now I know your going to think I've got a husband so why am I bothered, it just really hurt me that he was saying one thing and doing another.

Last month I found out he was going round to a friends house (a mate he has know since high school). He told me there was nothing going on with them (I saw her posts to him on Facebook and there obviousley was) anyway, I found out tonight (he told me that they slept together about one month ago, I'm just totally gutted). He says that its me he loves and not her, that he thinks of me everyday and wants us to get back together. It the lies that get me the most, saying he wasn't with her for all that time when he was.

I know I'm going to get a lot of flack saying that I shouldn't care and that I'm married, I haven't seen my ex since Nov, I have kept my distance because of my marriage, what I want to know is why does it hurt me that he is with all these other woman when at the same time he is trying to get back with me?? Im trying hard to make my marriage work and that's why I've stayed away for 5 months. My husband is the kindest person I've met, whereas my ex is a complete liar.

Why am I bothered what my ex does when I really don't love him??

[N0help4u]

People do not realize it but when they become intimately involved in a relationship, no matter how bad, they create a spiritual and emotional bond that even when the relationship is over they can find they still have strong feelings (usually in their heart and/or gut) that hurt when realities of their separation become more real to them.

[loulou1978]

I really don't think I love my ex, the last time we met I just looked at him and thought "no i have no physical attraction to him really" it was probably the attention thing. I know I need to be getting this attention off my husband not my ex.

Ive stayed away from my ex for 5 months, just in contact via text, why does it hurt me that he slept with his long time friend one month ago then?? The thing is I asked him to be straight with me and he was, and then I blew at him for being straight!!

The thought of them together in bed is now in my mind and I'm really hurting inside, it feels like he has cheated on me. This happened at the same time he was asking me to give him another chance. The thing is that he still goes round to this woman's house to see hr and her daughter, but says that she likes him but he has told her that he isn't interested (I don't know if that's true) he has told me so many lies over the years I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Im hurt and my heart is broken, but why is it when I don't think I love him??

[N0help4u]

No you most probably don't but the bond is still there or you wouldn't feel that way. The only other thing I can think that it could be is the 'if I can't have him nobody gets him' mentality but that is usually somebody that is mentally unstable or has self image or security issues.

[loulou1978]

No you most probably don't but the bond is still there or you wouldn't feel that way. The only other thing I can think that it could be is the 'if I can't have him nobody gets him' mentality but that is usually somebody that is mentally unstable or has self image or security issues.

I am quite down on myself latley and have had a lot of horrible things happen to me and I think that is why I think I let him treat me this way. He texts me and I respond then he won't reply for maybe a day or two, he is always hurting me and the other day he called me a liar and that I was crying wolf (iv got a cancer scare at the mo and because I wouldn't tell him what's wrong with me then me called me these horrible names.) Ive got a lump the size of a golf ball and haven't been to docs as I'm too scared

I think that he thinks that I will always be around so that's why he treats me like crap

[N0help4u]

You say you do not love the x and you want your marriage to work so YES you do have to distance yourself but you can't do it passively. If you do it passively the x will think you are just playing hard to get. You need to tell him flat out no more texts, no more contact of any kind. Don't reply or respond in any way after that. You don't love him so why play the cat and mouse game??
Then if you don't have contact you don't have updates that upset you.

[loulou1978]

You say you do not love the x and you want your marriage to work so YES you do have to distance yourself but you can't do it passively. If you do it passively the x will think you are just playing hard to get. You need to tell him flat out no more texts, no more contact of any kind. Don't reply back or respond in any way after that. You don't love him so why play the cat and mouse game???

That's the thing, I've been thinking this myself. Why play this game as I only end up wanting to find out about what he has been up to and end up getting hurt. Like I asked him if he had slept with her and he said yes, he can't love me if he is sleeping with her can he?

[N0help4u]

You are married so you shouldn't care WHO he sleeps with.
That is the bond I am talking about. You are still emotionally hung up on him. You can't break the bond so you NEED to totally break all ties and curiosity.

[loulou1978]

I know I should be concentrating on my marriage and not him, he has just rang me and said that they both got drunk (and it felt right at the time) but he told her he just wanted to be mates with her

I know I need to cut all ties with him, I'm going to try, but why is it so hard

[loulou1978]

I know people are going to think I'm a selfish cow, but I do love my husband dearly and he means the world to me. I just need to let go of this guy once and for all. I did it for 9 months after we broke up but seem to find it harder this time. My husband deserves better than this and I want to be the wife that I once was.

[loulou1978]

I need to know why I feel like I do,so that I can do something to stop me feeling this way and forget this guy. Its like he is a drug, the thing is that I've no real desire to meet him, all we have done is text for past few months as I make excuses not to meet up.

So why the hell is my heart broken when he slept with an old friend, and why is he still going round to her house every other day, even thouh they say that they are just back as mates, I'm got depressed over my mixed emotions

[loulou1978]

Why do I feel flaming depressed so badly about this? My ex is a constant liar so I could never trust him even if we got together like he wanted, sorry to keep harping on, I'm so low at the mo its unreal

[talaniman]

loulou1978;1659600]I need to know why I feel like I do

,
Because your jealous at the thought he can be happy without you, and your very selfish.

so that I can do something to stop me feeling this way and forget this guy.

CUT OFF ABSOLUTELY ALL CONTACT FROM EACH OTHER!

Its like he is a drug, the thing is that I've no real desire to meet him, all we have done is text for past few months as I make excuses not to meet up.

See above response. Addicted people have to be separated from their drug to detox. This means you!!

So why the hell is my heart broken when he slept with an old friend, and why is he still going round to her house every other day,

That's how selfish you are, and why your jealous, you expect him to be sitting home crying over you, and he isn't. Seems he has a life without you. How dare he!!

even thouh they say that they are just back as mates, I'm got depressed over my mixed emotions

Who cares, its none of your business what he does is it?? If you stop contacting this fellow, and put as much thought, and action into being a good wife, your might deserve the good man you married.

You got life, and BS, all mixed up, and need to straighten your thinking out, so your action don't stink to high hell.

[loulou1978]

I think that was a bit harsh, I do not expect him to be sitting at home waiting for me tbh, its him that contacts me not the other way round more often than not.

Im no a selfish person, I think that is a wrong judgement personally, I have pointed out that I made a mistake kissing this guy and want to try and make my marriage work. Im not a horrible person and I DO love my husband, I just need to get the passion back in our 10 yr relationship.

Its like I want to keep in contact with this guy as sometimes but not many times is nice to me, he says he loves me and wants to be with me and then sleeps with all these other women, that's what I can't understand. His actions and his words don match up.

I was waiting for someone to come on and call me all the names under the sun as above and slate me, I understand everyone has there own opinions and I do appreciate everybodys comments even though some are hurtful.

I just want to know how I stop these feelings for the ex, I've told him to stop texting me etc etc but he still does, I really don't want to have to change my number but feel I may come to that

[loulou1978]

My ex has just rung me in floods of tears saying that it is me that he loves and wants me back?? This is exactley what I mean, I'm trying to move on and this is what happens. Im going to have to get a new mobile number

[talaniman]

Loulou1978;1659652]I think that was a bit harsh, I do not expect him to be sitting at home waiting for me tbh, its him that contacts me not the other way round more often than not.

You still take his calls don't you? Then your allowing the contact and not stopping it.

Im no a selfish person, I think that is a wrong judgement personally, I have pointed out that I made a mistake kissing this guy and want to try and make my marriage work. Im not a horrible person and I DO love my husband, I just need to get the passion back in our 10 yr relationship.

Really, and you think by allowing him to distract you, and keep you from focusing on your husband, you'll get the passion back? I really don't believe that and think your making excuses and you love the attention this dude gives you.

Its like I want to keep in contact with this guy as sometimes but not many times is nice to me, he says he loves me and wants to be with me and then sleeps with all these other women, that's what I can't understand. His actions and his words don match up.

Your married and unavailable, geez, what's a guy supposed to do when your not there?? Come on, your jealous, and he is single, and can sleep with whom he wants. Its all about the attention he gives you. You can't let it go can you? Don't answer that, your actions don't match your words either.

I was waiting for someone to come on and call me all the names under the sun as above and slate me, I understand everyone has there own opinions and I do appreciate everybodys comments even though some are hurtful.

Haven't called you any names, merely pointed out what I think you have written, but NO, I don't like cheaters, and that's exactly what your doing and insulting everyone intelligence, by making it seem like the ex is the one being the bad guy and your just an innocent victim of circumstances. Your not, your doing your best to keep this guy around and keep it going, and your jealousy is obvious. That's selfish, to expect him to just give you what you want, just because your married and think you have power over him. What's worse, your actions are not that of someone trying to be a better wife and work on your marriage, but of someone who doesn't give a crap about the husband and thinks they can do as they please, outside the marriage and take no responsibility for their actions as long as you can blame it on someone else. That's arrogant of you.

I just want to know how I stop these feelings for the ex, I've told him to stop texting me etc etc but he still does, I really don't want to have to change my number but feel I may come to that

You have the perfect answer already, STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE EX. It doesn't get any simpler than that, and if your for real about mending your marriage... you would have done it already, and done away with the excuses.

[Survivor07]

This guy ("the ex") is a player. He's amusing himself with you, as you are with him.

If you truly gave a **** about your husband, you wouldn't be giving a **** about what or who the other guy is doing.

Something is obviously lacking in your marriage. You are not going to fix it by bringing in another man on the side.

Tal is right. You have to cut off contact. Delete the texts before you read them. Do not answer the calls. It's that simple. You just don't want to.

Why? Because it's a thrill for you.

You're jealous of the other women because it hurts your ego.

Concentrate on yourself and your marriage and cut contact with this other guy.

I feel for your husband.

[loulou1978]

This guy ("the ex") is a player. He's amusing himself with you, as you are with him.

If you truly gave a **** about your husband, you wouldn't be giving a **** about what or who the other guy is doing.

Something is obviously lacking in your marriage. You are not going to fix it by bringing in another man on the side.

Tal is right. You have to cut off contact. Delete the texts before you read them. Do not answer the calls. It's that simple. You just don't want to.

Why? Because it's a thrill for you.

You're jealous of the other women because it hurts your ego.

Concentrate on yourself and your marriage and cut contact with this other guy.

I feel for your husband.

I feel for my husband too and know he deserves better than this hence me writing this thread. I do love my husband very much and I know we need to get that spark back into our marriage. I understand that I won't help by keeping in touch with this guy. When he rung me last night he was in floods of tears.

I know people are going to think that I get what I deserve, but I'm not a bad person I'm just a lady that has got in a rut and wants to be happy again. The ex will leave me alone when he has found a new lady but when he gets bored he comes back to me telling me he loves me etc etc. I don't know why I asked if he slept with the long time friend of his, part of me wanted to know I suppose and hoped he say no I think. That's the thing, I don't expect him to stay in single, its him who is asking me for a relationship not the other way round.

I have a nice husband, sports car, nice big house, go on nice holidays (we are going to new zealand and oz in a few eeks for a month) but I'm just not happy and fulfilled like most people would that had this.
I don't want to hurt my husband, he is my priority even though some people don't think so, I know that the ex is using me, he told me that he was going on holiday when in fact he was meetng his girlfriend last year.

Im so confused and know that the best and only real thing to do to stop this is NC, I'm just so confused to why I would be drawn to my ex who gave me nothing, lied to me, and was generally abusive to me when I have a fantastic hubby at home. Im completley nuts I know but that's how I feel

Thanks for all your replys so far

[liz28]

You keep saying your not a bad person but you're a confuse one.

I thought you was trying to rebuild your marriage, what happen to that? You are going backward instead of forward and this is helping your marriage how?

You need to get on point and stop cheating because kissing a guy behind your husband back is cheating.

This guy wasn't ex but someone you had an affair with. He done move on and is free to sleep with whoever he wants. Maybe counseling is in order here. The only thing I saw in your posts were things about this guy but not your husband and it doesn't seems like your really that focus on him and if you aren't you should leave him alone by leaving for good. The only thing I saw you write about your husband is " I have a nice husband, sports car, nice big house, go on nice holidays (we are going to new zealand and oz in a few eeks for a month) but im just not happy and fulfilled like most people would that had this".

Your not over this guy because you love him and that is why your maintaining contact with him behind your husband back and writing things like "this guy want a relationship with me, he calls me,etc". You have a part in it too and is of blame. You sound like a selfish person that wants her cake and ice cream too but you want this guy to be only committed to you. He would be a fool to do that especially since your married.

[Survivor07]

I'm not saying you're a bad person at all.

I just strongly disagree with carrying on extra-marital affairs--physically and/or emotionally.

You're right about the other guy using you when he's bored. You're doing the same thing. Maybe not because you're bored, but you are "unfulfilled" and you're fixated on this other guy to solve your problems. You know he won't.

I think you're looking for happiness in someone else, and you know you can't do that because you're the only one who can make you happy. You can't look to someone else to do that.

Maybe some soul-searching is in order to figure out what you want out of life and what would make you fulfilled---a career, hobbies, children whatever it may be. The answer lies in you, not in someone else. Best wishes