[nikosmom]

Petunia, you sound like you have a lot going for yourself but don't let that hinder you from allowing yourself to be in a stable, long-term relationship. You travel a lot, and if you're not considering changing your career, just understand it will take a LOT of work to make a relationship work.

Your original post did come across a bit "snooty" but the second one showed a more endearing person. Unfortunately, you can't create love on your own watch, you will have to be patient and let it find you. I understand this being a go-getter but you can't always be in control. Just relax and yes it sounds cliché, but loves comes when you're not looking for it.

[ISneezeFunny]

@ Isneezefunny, umm, you sound very interesting:), but then again, I don’t know where I will be or should be.

I think the only difference between you and me is that you fit into the category of stereotypical Asian student (great at maths and science etc.) so you might not be singled out like me (back in our home countries, that is) I mean, Asian students tend to hang together as a group, right? And since most Asians are into maths and science, it’s also hard for me to ‘blend in’. I’m doing international political relations (specialized in peace and security). It’s just weird, not many girls are in this field, let alone Asian girls. But I do understand, and empathise how it’s very hard for you to be in a relationship though.

believe it or not, I don't really fit into the category of a typical Asian. People here on the boards didn't know I was Asian at all, partly due to the way I write, my experiences, etc. People who speak to me on the phone have no idea I'm Asian... the typical response I get is, "but...you don't have an accent!" or "you don't sound Asian!"

At my college, believe it or not, most the math majors were caucasian and most of the pre-medders were Indian. The other east asians were all in business and econ. I have a handful of Asian friends, as most of my friends are caucasian, black, and Indian... yes, they are "asian," but not really =P

Best of luck, and perhaps we'll cross paths one day, as I may need a international political adviser for an overseas medical program ;)

[taoplr]

The key question that you pose is "Will my life continue to be like this?" Yes, it will, Petunia, until you either find a mate who is mature enough to be comfortable with you and who has a lifestyle that matches yours, especially moving from place to place, or you fall in love with someone for whom you are willing to adapt your career path. Your top priority is either career or primary relationship. The lifestyle you describe preempts doing both.

Consider the idea that a fulfilling, long-term relationship occurs because two people find each other worth committing themselves to one another such that the other comes first. If something else comes first, one can have a good relationship, but it's not going that deeply into your heart and soul. If, as you say, you want the real deal now, does that mean that you are ready to put another human being ahead of your work? Are you planning on raising a family with this person? Would you follow him? That doesn't mean that you have to give up your career; it's just how you put things into perspective and adapt your lifestyle.

I like Robert Brault's take:

"To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness."

It sounds like you are smart, savvy, and attractive. Are you ready to be giving?

[artlady]

@ artlady, thank you. I really like your suggestion. And NYC sounds cool (I always love it). One time a foreign friend asked me WHERE I’d like to work after my graduation and I told her it’s not a matter of WHERE but WHAT. I’ve always had this mindset of career path, so my plan was (and still is), wherever there’s a great opportunity for me in this field, I’d immediately jump for it. But maybe I really have to revise my strategy and target, not just WHAT but also WHERE.

You were talking about putting down some roots so where should be the number one issue.
If I had my way I would have humble homes all over the world. You have been very blessed to have traveled the world.

[Dare81]

@ Isneezefunny, umm, you sound very interesting:), but then again, I don’t know where I will be or should be.

I think the only difference between you and me is that you fit into the category of stereotypical Asian student (great at maths and science etc.) so you might not be singled out like me (back in our home countries, that is) I mean, Asian students tend to hang together as a group, right? And since most Asians are into maths and science, it’s also hard for me to ‘blend in’. I’m doing international political relations (specialized in peace and security). It’s just weird, not many girls are in this field, let alone Asian girls. But I do understand, and empathise how it’s very hard for you to be in a relationship though.

This is not really true, the phd in economics and political science program that I will be enrolling in has a lot of Asian students in it.When I was doing my masters we had a lot Asians in my school too and they didn't like to hang together in a group.They were actually pretty social.

[petuniaB]

This is not really true, the phd in economics and political science program that i will be enrolling in has a lot of Asian students in it.When i was doing my masters we had a lot Asians in my school too and they didn't like to hang together in a group.They were actually pretty social.

Umm, seems like I wasn't so successful at making my previous posts clear. Sorry about that :o

I used the term 'Asian' because I simply didn't want to specify my specific nationality/ethnicity. Of course Asia is a huge continent with diverse cultures. And don't forget there're LOTS of Asian-Americans, Asian-Australians who are mostly Americans, Aussies etc. (as in 'bananas' or 'twinkies') anyway, so they don't exactly count (in my point of argument).

Most Asians from Asia who are social in Western societies are the ones who have spent long time studying or working there, so they've been sort of 'westernised' and blended in. I'm one of them too (social Westernised Asians) so my whole point about being singled out was about being singled out in my OWN culture/society. I have no problem being social in international environment. Actually that's my ONLY environment, and that's the problem for me, because I mostly get involved with 'international' people rather than the locals.

This reminds me of something, maybe my crazy world travels is my quest for the most international place, haha, looks like I've just solved my own psychological problem :p

And yes, there are Asian political scientists out there, just not so many in my area ;) I was just trying to point out that it's not a common field in my country and it's rather hard to talk politics (especially in English or French) with my fellow people (of course there're smart people in my country, I'm not saying I'm superior or anything, it's all about my lack of ability to tune into their personality/mentality and vice versa).

Just out of curiosity, which uni are you going to do PhD? Which specific area in pol sci? Do you already have a PhD thesis proposal in mind?

The University of Aarhus in Denmark is offering PhD scholarships (3000 euro/month) which is very tempting. But I just decided against it (and my dad's wish). I guess I don't want to be in Denmark. And I don't want to be back in Sweden either (the drama-filled fling with my ex is FINISHED and I can't stand the darkness). I'm not going to apply for an editor job for WHO based in Cairo either, I don't know anyone in Egypt.

Sorry for taking you all the way on my long soul-search journey, but I've just realised I feel happiest in Geneva so far. And I will never ever settle down back home (I know I'll die a spinster there for sure). So I'll try to find a way to get back to my Swiss boyfriend, get a good career and start to settle down for the first time! :)

[petuniaB]

Oh yes, I forgot to thank everyone for your help! :)

Some of you pointed out that I've got more going on and you're right. It might sound completely crazy, but at one point I got diagnosed with a medium-level depression, due to my extreme stress with traveling (I mean as in moving around for great opportunities somewhere else) and also due to my sadness with all the 'mini' breakups I had with people I dated along the way. Most people think I'm such a lucky/accomplished yuppie who's got to see the world, etc. They didn't know I have depression! And I really want to do something about it. I mean sometimes I feel depressed, then I beat myself up for being stupid for being depressed as there doesn't seem to be a logical reason why I should be stressed when the Third World is starving etc. and that depresses me even more, like a vicious cycle.

[Dare81]

Umm, seems like I wasn't so successful at making my previous posts clear. Sorry about that :o


Most Asians from Asia who are social in Western societies are the ones who have spent long time studying or working there, so they've been sort of 'westernised' and blended in. I'm one of them too (social Westernised Asians) so my whole point about being singled out was about being singled out in my OWN culture/society. I have no problem being social in international environment. Actually that's my ONLY environment, and that's the problem for me, because I mostly get involved with 'international' people rather than the locals.

I can understand your problem , I am one of those so called westernized Asians, I have been here in the states for almost a decade.But the thing there are a lot of people like you around, I have a lot of Asian friend, I am not sure if you can call Pakistani Asian really, who have traveled the world and are now settled here.

Just out of curiosity, which uni are you going to do PhD? Which specific area in pol sci? Do you already have a PhD thesis proposal in mind?

Right now it's a toss up between Uni of Amherst,MA or university of Missouri Kansas city.
I am interested in heterodox economics mainly Marx.Thesis is probably gong to be on exchange rate arrangement in Africa, the CFA Franc zone.

Sorry for taking you all the way on my long soul-search journey, but I've just realised I feel happiest in Geneva so far. And I will never ever settle down back home (I know I'll die a spinster there for sure). So I'll try to find a way to get back to my Swiss boyfriend, get a good career and start to settle down for the first time! :)

[/QUOTE]

The thing about love is you will find it , when you are least expecting it, and when you do find it you will settle down, so worrying about right is not going to do you any good.

[petuniaB]

Marx. As in Marxist? I did a course on Marxism once and absolutely hated it, just not my cup of tea (it was someone's idea to make it a core course :mad:) Wow, you must be pretty smart ;) Anyway, economics? As in Political Economy? It's a pretty popular and handy degree, isn't it? Especially, with the crisis and all that. Nowadays we can't just study politics without economics.

Yep, Pakistanis are Asians (of course, but most Asians we generally refer to are East and Southeast, right?) But the difference is that your friend has already settled down after the travels, I haven't. I know it's a matter of time and all that, but decisions matter too, I mean, at least I have to go for great opportunities where I can stay LONGTERM because what I've been doing are mostly short-term contracts.

Anyway, good luck with your PhD!

[artlady]

Oh yes, I forgot to thank everyone for your help! :)

Some of you pointed out that I've got more going on and you're right. It might sound completely crazy, but at one point I got diagnosed with a medium-level depression, due to my extreme stress with traveling (I mean as in moving around for great opportunities somewhere else) and also due to my sadness with all the 'mini' breakups I had with people I dated along the way. Most people think I'm such a lucky/accomplished yuppie who's got to see the world, etc. They didn't know I have depression! And I really want to do something about it. I mean sometimes I feel depressed, then I beat myself up for being stupid for being depressed as there doesn't seem to be a logical reason why I should be stressed when the Third World is starving etc., and that depresses me even more, like a vicious cycle.

No one is exempt from depression.You are after all,a young woman first and accomplished career woman ,world traveler second.
When I get depressed I suffer from guilt as well.I will always be able to find someone who does not have the gifts that I have in life,there will always be someone who is worse off but the bottom line is our pain is real also.

[petuniaB]

No one is exempt from depression.You are after all,a young woman first and accomplished career woman ,world traveler second.
When I get depressed I suffer from guilt as well.I will always be able to find someone who does not have the gifts that I have in life,there will always be someone who is worse off but the bottom line is our pain is real also.

This is easily the best answer I've been given online. Yes, everyone's entitled to be depressed even the richest among the richest. I once came across a thread on a Hollywood celeb's depression. Most people simply don't understand that a celeb who is extremely beautiful, rich, successful careerwise and in personal life would be suffering from depression. Ultimately happiness comes from the inside. My mum is a devout Buddhist and she keeps pushing me to meditate, but I'm still too lazy and involved in the secular success to do that seriously.

On a side note, I'm going back to Switzerland in a week! And my Swiss boyfriend will pick me up at the airport. The problem is I'll only stay there for just one night on a transit to Poland. After my 3 week mission in Poland, I have no idea what next (and my boyfriend didn't dare bring up the issue of me moving in with him, he did propose it before and it failed miserably). I think I'll give it a second chance though.

[petuniaB]

Problem part II: you're asking for advice but telling us what that advice should be; you don't want to listen because you think you know all the answers already. Well too bad, you need to take the advice you don't want to hear. Being well traveled and having casual sex doesn't mean you "enjoyed the moment", you're attitude dictates that. And from the what your wrote it sounds like you didn't enjoy those days at all. You come off way too serious and extremely critical, you need to relax and enjoy life, not just the moment.

I used to be like you (and still am in some respects, hence the harshness of my response), thinking that only a select group were good enough for my time, girls I dated weren't even in this category, pretty much just my band mates. But when friends who I chilled with everyday, would ask me if I had a problem with them although I liked them just fine, it really woke me up. Because I'd criticize anything and everything, they figured I must be critical of them too; a fair assumption. I realized I have to change my attitude and be more accepting or I'll end up alone. It doesn't mean I have to settle for less than I deserve, but I have to get this narcissistic idea outta my brain that everyone owes me something. Being as I've been this way for over 20 years, it's hard, real hard, but I have to do it. I now try live by the rule "if you have nothing good to say, don't say it at all", but it's hard, impossible even, to resist when I read posts like this. I'm certain you should do the same.

You're not a bad person, but you need an attitude adjustment.

Yes you're right, I don't enjoy the moment at all, hence, my plea to not giving me a shallow advice that I'm young and should just enjoy the moment/life whatever, because I don't enjoy my lifestyle and I'm unhappy with constantly moving. Traveling is fun, moving around is not. But I have a dream, ambitions which require this kind of lifestyle. So this is a conflict of interests. A lot of my friends told me to just 'don't worry. Enjoy life. Enjoy the travels' and didn't pay attention one bit to what my real problem really is. My depression is real and this kind of advice is very shallow at best (I know my friends mean well, but they just don't know what to say to me). The way they said it it's like my depression doesn't matter, that I'm the luckiest in the group and being depressed in Europe is totally stupid. Well, yes, I enjoy my success and my travels and meeting people, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still unhappy, hence my statement, 'please don't tell me that I'm still young and should just enjoy life' because it doesn't help one bit, because I'm still depressed. It has nothing to do with trying to stop people from giving advice I don't want to hear. I'm not in denial of anything. I just think that kind of advice doesn't help at all.

Yes, I'm a critical person, I don't know if you really were like me at one point. But I do not put down people. The fact that my fellow countrymen don't speak English doesn't mean I look down on them, it means I don't feel comfortable settling down back at home because of my difference. I'm proud of my own country but there're lots of things that I don't approve of because of my Western education, hence the decision not to settle down back home because I know I'll be frustrated and unhappy. I know my awkwardness living in my native culture will surely lead to my spinsterhood.

I'm a serious person, I take things seriously, and what's wrong with that? I'm just saying that I'm tired of moving around and breaking up with people I date and friends I've made all over the world. I want roots, stability and a long-term relationship with one of the guys I've dated or flirted with.

[artlady]

This is easily the best answer I've been given online. Yes, everyone's entitled to be depressed even the richest among the richest. I once came across a thread on a Hollywood celeb's depression. Most people simply don't understand that a celeb who is extremely beautiful, rich, successful careerwise and in personal life would be suffering from depression. Ultimately happiness comes from the inside. My mum is a devout Buddhist and she keeps pushing me to meditate, but I'm still too lazy and involved in the secular success to do that seriously.

On a side note, I'm going back to Switzerland in a week! And my Swiss bf will pick me up at the airport. The problem is I'll only stay there for just one night on a transit to Poland. After my 3 week mission in Poland, I have no idea what next (and my bf didn't dare bring up the issue of me moving in with him, he did propose it before and it failed miserably). I think I'll give it a second chance though.

It sounds like you are very happy! Cool.
Take time to meditate ,especially in a hustle bustle life as you have ,it will add years to your life and keep you grounded.

Thank-you for getting back to us,that is so kind

I want to know how someone can fly here and there and go through the airport security and the waiting and delays and hassles not be consumed with stress.You are going to have to share that when you are not involved in that.

Enjoy Switzerland ,it must be stunning this time of year!