[petuniaB]

Hello. I'm a 25 year old female. I have been having problems with relationships with people (boyfriends and friends) because I'm a highly ambitious career-oriented person and the fact that I never stay longterm in one place. I've always been asked out, A LOT, I've been dating and having some casual sex (relationships). But never in my 25 years have I had a longterm relationship. The longest I've ever dated a guy was 3 months.

One of the problems is due to my high education (grad school) and ability to speak a lot of languages, guys from my native culture often find me intimidating (all my guy friends told me so). And the fact that they're not as well-travelled or that they don't speak English simply bore me. I do not see my future with guys from my own country. And this belief is confirmed by all my friends and family. Coming from an Asian background, they told me my personality is too westernised for Asian guys to handle.

For the past 7 years I spent most of the time abroad, and a lot of Western guys find me exotic and attractive. The problem is, I never get to settle down with anyone of them in one single place. I never get to blend in with the locals and accept my boyfriend (at the time)'s culture. For the past 7 years, I've lived in 10 countries.

In my field of study and work (diplomatic missions/international organisations), it is inevitable to keep moving around. I have an ex (whom I still love) in Sweden and a current long-distance boyfriend in Switzerland. There doesn't seem to be opportunities to be back there (Sweden/Switzerland) right now. What will I do? Will my life continue to be like this?

Please don't tell me that I'm still very young and that I should just enjoy the moment. The fact is I have enjoyed all the travels, all the flirting, dating, sex, partying, fun stuff. I'm done. Yes, I'm just 25 but I want a real deal now.

PS. I've tried a couple of online sites, ending up getting so much attention from middle-aged white guys looking for young Asian girls like me. So I'm done with that too.

[kirriky]

I can't really think of any "relationship" advice because, obviously, if you stay in one place for 4 months and then move on, the most you will get is a 4-month long relationship and then turn it into long-distance but apparently you're dissatisfied with long-distance.

So I guess it's more of a lifestyle question, in which case, I'm not sure what kind of diplomatic missions you work on, but I believe there's 4 or 5 year long missions with government contracts in embassies and consulates, and stable jobs next to international organizations' HQ.

So I guess if you want a longterm, live-in boyfriend, the only thing you can do is settle in some country. Hopefully, if and when you have to move country after "x" years , he'll be prepared to move with you.

[Romefalls19]

It's going to be hard to find someone who can handle the constant moving and chaos that will happen in life while you are doing this. Sadly, the only thing I can see changing is if you stop the moving around and stay grounded for awhile.

[excon]

Hello P:

It's true, moving around doesn't help. But, losing the superior attitude will more than make up for it.

excon

[talaniman]

Which do you want more? Your job and career, and the life style that comes with it. Or settling down, and planting roots. When choices are so conflicting, a choice must be made.

[kctiger]

You do sound a bit "stuck up" in my opinion... a lot of us "white" guys don't like girls who act like total snobs. Not saying that is you, but your post comes off a bit "high class."

Other than that, as Tal stated, you have to make a choice. It is unreasonable to believe you will ever hold down a long term relationship if you are constantly jumping from location to location.

[nikosmom]

I agree with the guys here...
You essentially posted your resume here and that does come across a bit "stuck up". Sure, there are some weak-minded guys that can't handle relationships with strong, independent women. But there are also some great guys out there that love women with goals and aspirations. You just have to break down the "holier than thou" attitude so that they can see that.

As they've all pointed out, it's very difficult to have a long-term relationship if you're not in one place for very long. If your goal is a settled-down lifestyle then at some point you will have to actually... settle down.

[inertia]

Hey Petunia. I completely understand where you are coming from. As far as being stuck up, that is relative. You just have high ideals and because of that, it will always take longer to meet someone you respect. I think when you meet the right person you will want to hang up your passport for him. Just be open to it and stop having casual sex. It hardens the heart.

[artlady]

Perhaps it is time to consider moving away from your field of expertise or at best finding an arrangement that limits your globe trotting.With your considerable education,I would image job opportunities would be abundant.

As far as the men who are intimidated by your success,they should not be in your consideration.I understand the cultural mindset that still wants to see a woman tied to an oven with multiple kids at her feet.Simply avoid those men.I would think by now you must have a good sense of who these men are.

I would narrow my internet dating sites to those that are for professionals only.You may meet someone who is like minded and has the same lifestyle.

Love does not come knocking everyday so I suggest you take a vacation and return to Sweden and see what careers you might find there and be nearer to the guy you still love.

Something has to give and you must be willing to sacrifice something.

Best of luck !

[nitelight198073]

I fyou rub alll your accoplishments and such in their face of course me are going to run stop acting as if you are superior and act like a normal person, and maybe you will find a man that would want to go with you when you travel and scuch ;)

[petuniaB]

I didn’t intend to come off stuck up, and I really appreciate inertia and artlady for your understanding. I didn’t just post my resume on here, I just want to point out how my personalities are simply different, and the fact that I feel most comfortable expressing myself in English has greatly limited my chance of ‘settling down’ back at home. Not all guys from my native country are intimidated by me, some of them even misunderstand me as being ‘pretentious and stuck up’ as some of you here think I am. Believe me, I would trade being seen as intimidating and unapproachable with anything (or rather something, as most of you rightly pointed out, it’s a matter of choice, I still want to pursue my career, guess I can’t have my cake and eat it too, huh?) And I really do try to blend in with my fellow natives, but I don’t feel happy, it’s really not me.

The issue of ‘where I belong’ is a big deal for me, to the point I’m sometimes depressed over it. I really want to ‘settle down’ somewhere I’m happy. I’m even daydreaming of going back to Switzerland to my current ‘not so serious’ boyfriend. I cried myself to sleep for months (literally) when I parted my Swedish ex with whom I had the most intimate emotional attachment. (it was mandatory to go on exchange during my graduate programme). It’s just that it’s impossible right now to do that due to my current obligation.

And no, I didn’t try to paint white guys in negative light (otherwise I wouldn’t have dated them). Kctiger, ANY guys wouldn’t want a stuck up girl, not just white guys.

Any other suggestions would be very welcomed and appreciated!

[kctiger]

I wouldn't worry about it, to be honest with you. When the time comes, then it comes, and you make a choice to settle down or perhaps the guy follows you. You have a step up in life, as you are happy with who YOU are... that is great and shouldn't be overlooked. Just enjoy what you have and I think that life will have a funny way of making you think twice before leaving the "right" guy behind.

[artlady]

I cried myself to sleep for months (literally) when I parted my Swedish ex with whom I had the most intimate emotional attachment. (it was mandatory to go on exchange during my graduate programme). It's just that it's impossible right now to do that due to my current obligation.

Regarding your current obligation.I think you can fulfill that obligation but try to begin making plans for a long term place that you want to settle.
N.Y.C. is a very culturally diverse place with the excitement I am sure you have become accustomed to.
A career change happens gradually so I would begin to set goals to be achieved within the next 2 years.
That way you are not limiting yourself because your back is against the wall but allowing yourself the freedom to make a choice you can stick with.
As an aside,your English is exceptional.
Best of luck!

[ISneezeFunny]

Let me put it this way. This is what I would say to you:

I'm a 23 year old recent college grad with a major in math and focus on pre-med. I graduated from one of the top schools in the US with a full scholarships and had internships at one of the nation's best hospitals. I'm fluent in three languages, and currently, while applying for medical school, I own a restaurant. I work about 90 hours a week, and I'm having a tough time to find a girlfriend who will understand my hectic schedule. My friends say that women find me really intimidating due to my accomplishments, and because I have no idea where I might go for medical school, there's no way I can find a girlfriend. Even if I do find a girlfriend in medical school, chances are, we'll go separate ways for residency, not to mention, my schedule in med school will be QUITE limited.

Ps - I'm also Asian as well.

Does that sound like someone you'd be interested in?

You probably didn't mean to come off in a "snobby" way as many other posters have said; I understand. It's tough to find someone when you're working all the time, not to mention move around all the time. Chances are, as other posters also have said, you need to choose what's important to you. To find someone to settle down with, or your career.

[starlite1]

Hi Petunia,

I know right now your current obligations are taking up a lot of your time, but, do you still keep in contact with your ex in Sweden? Regardless, you may want to reach out to him (provided he is single and not in a relationship with anyone that you know of) and say 'Hi' so to speak. Then, if he is single, perhaps you can plan a trip to visit him again?

[ISneezeFunny]

Well, technically, she has a long distance boyfriend...

[starlite1]

well, technically, she has a long distance bf...

That is true, I forgot about that.

[petuniaB]

@ Isneezefunny, umm, you sound very interesting:), but then again, I don’t know where I will be or should be.

I think the only difference between you and me is that you fit into the category of stereotypical Asian student (great at maths and science etc.) so you might not be singled out like me (back in our home countries, that is) I mean, Asian students tend to hang together as a group, right? And since most Asians are into maths and science, it’s also hard for me to ‘blend in’. I’m doing international political relations (specialized in peace and security). It’s just weird, not many girls are in this field, let alone Asian girls. But I do understand, and empathise how it’s very hard for you to be in a relationship though.

@ artlady, thank you:). I really like your suggestion. And NYC sounds cool (I always love it). One time a foreign friend asked me WHERE I’d like to work after my graduation and I told her it’s not a matter of WHERE but WHAT. I’ve always had this mindset of career path, so my plan was (and still is), wherever there’s a great opportunity for me in this field, I’d immediately jump for it. But maybe I really have to revise my strategy and target, not just WHAT but also WHERE.

@starlight, yes, we’re still in contact, but not often at all (it might be just a ‘break’, I really don’t know, it’s confusing). He still thinks I’m going to go back at some point, and very soon, the sad part is, I still don’t even know. But I’ll do my very best to get something that I like in Switzerland though, as artlady suggested.

[slapshot_oi]

You posted twice, one here and one in Dating. I replied to the other thread, someone should merge the two.
EDIT: Never mind, I couldn't resist, I copied and pasted.

I've always been asked out, A LOT... a lot of Western guys find me exotic and attractive.

... I wish I could be as cool as you!

...guys from my native culture often find me intimidating (all my guy friends told me so). And the fact that they're not as well-travelled or that they don't speak English simply bore me. I do not see my future with guys from my own country. And this belief is confirmed by all my friends and family. Coming from an Asian background, they told me my personality is too westernised for Asian guys to handle.

I stopped reading as soon as I came across this. Too westernized for Asian guys? Non-English speakers and homebodies are boring? You sound very narcissistic and you don't give anyone a chance and yet you came here to ask why you haven't had a long-term relationship, as if there's something wrong with the rest of the world. It's not just Asian guys that will find you intimidating, all men will. There's nothing special about the Swiss and Swedes that make them more able to "handle" Westernized Asian women, it's the simple fact they live in one country and you're in another. If you saw either of them once a week over the course of a year--a year is when most people truly begin to know someone--I'm certain that it would be a totally different story. Being intimidating is not a virtue, it makes you unapproachable and distressing to be around.

Please don't tell me that I'm still very young and that I should just enjoy the moment. The fact is I have enjoyed all the travels, all the flirting, dating, sex, partying, fun stuff. I'm done. Yes, I'm just 25 but I want a real deal now.

Problem part II: you're asking for advice but telling us what that advice should be; you don't want to listen because you think you know all the answers already. Well too bad, you need to take the advice you don't want to hear. Being well traveled and having casual sex doesn't mean you "enjoyed the moment", you're attitude dictates that. And from the what your wrote it sounds like you didn't enjoy those days at all. You come off way too serious and extremely critical, you need to relax and enjoy life, not just the moment.

I used to be like you (and still am in some respects, hence the harshness of my response), thinking that only a select group were good enough for my time, girls I dated weren't even in this category, pretty much just my band mates. But when friends who I chilled with everyday, would ask me if I had a problem with them although I liked them just fine, it really woke me up. Because I'd criticize anything and everything, they figured I must be critical of them too; a fair assumption. I realized I have to change my attitude and be more accepting or I'll end up alone. It doesn't mean I have to settle for less than I deserve, but I have to get this narcissistic idea out of my brain that everyone owes me something. Being as I've been this way for over 20 years, it's hard, real hard, but I have to do it. I now try live by the rule "if you have nothing good to say, don't say it at all", but it's hard, impossible even, to resist when I read posts like this. I'm certain you should do the same.

You're not a bad person, but you need an attitude adjustment.

[inertia]

Being lonely can cause you to second guess yourself. Don't worry about being intimidating. Most of my friends don't date girls they are intimidated by. I seek them out. It's very hard to find someone that challenges you when you are smart. Don't settle. Look at all the Bond girls. Smart, sexy and sometimes dangerous.