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emg13 · Apr 5, 2009, 02:58 PM

Hi. I'm new here and found this forum when searching for relationship advice. Here's my situation:

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I love her very much, and she loves me, too... but our relationship has recently become rather strained. We have begun to argue frequently (and we've always bickered, usually playfully, because that's our dynamic), and we seem to be at each other's throats most of the time. After a blow-out argument on Friday night (two days ago), we decided to take a break, which we determined the next morning to be about a month long. Perhaps I should back up and give some reasons for the tension:

1. I started taking birth control about a month for the first time in my life (I'm in my mid-twenties), and it has made me more emotional than ever.
2. We have both gained weight over the past year and are unhappy about it. She has a history of eating disorders, and the weight gain has caused her to isolate herself from her friends and make her rather depressed, which seems to have recently come to a head.
3. I spend almost every night at her apartment and rarely spend any time at mine, but it's not an option to move in together because she is not "out" to her family and doesn't want to lie and just call me her "roommate." Anyway, I'm in the process of moving back into my parents' house because paying rent was just a waste for me, so I'm stressed about that for several reasons.

Now, it was really her initiation for the break because she said that she knows she's not happy with herself, and she's taking it out on me, and she wants a little bit of time to regain control (i.e. lose some weight, which neither one of us seems to be able to do while we're together, mostly because she does have some psychological issues attached to the subject, so it's a delicate matter to even approach). I told her that I will give her space, and she thanked me over and over again and told me that she loves me and hopes that we will come back together even stronger after a month. So I even went out yesterday and joined a gym, and I'm glad to be a little more independent and able to do some things just for me for a month.

... but it's torture for me to not talk to her at all. We decided to literally not talk AT ALL during the month, so that we can squeeze as much independent growth out of the time as possible, but even after just two days, I'm struggling. I'm so used to speaking to her several times per day, and to be completely honest, she's my best friend. So it's really difficult to not be talking to her and not be texting her and calling her. I've never been good at this kind of thing in the past with anyone, so I guess I'm just asking about other people's experiences and opinions. I'm not really worried about us not making it through this (although I can't pretend that that fear isn't at least in the back of my mind, if not the front), but I am worried about functioning as productively as possible myself, without feeling so sad and lonely. It will be easier when I have to work during the week, but the nights are going to be agonizing.

Sorry for such a long post, but my emotions just seem to be spilling out. Any insight will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

snow124 · Apr 5, 2009, 03:06 PM

Do everything you can to focus on yourself for your own sake, and it's good that you're not going to be contacting each other at all. I understand what you mean about her being your best friend. And while you're certain you'll get through it, don't neglect the possibility that you may not get through it. I ignored this possibility completely and was hurt even more when it did happen.

emg13 · Apr 5, 2009, 03:41 PM

Thank you, snow. I'm going to try to stay focused on packing and exercising and working, and I'll just have to keep hoping and praying that things will work out.

talaniman · Apr 6, 2009, 08:30 AM

They will work out, and maybe reading the stickies at the beginning of this forum, will help give you some insights into coping with your situation.

There is a link in my signature.

emg13 · Apr 6, 2009, 12:05 PM

Thank you. I have been browsing the stickies, and they have been helpful.

A good sign has been that she texted me last night to tell me she loves me. She said she doesn't want to talk more than that but that she wanted me to know that. It helped.

I wish · Apr 6, 2009, 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by emg13

Thank you. I have been browsing the stickies, and they have been helpful.

A good sign has been that she texted me last night to tell me she loves me. She said she doesn't want to talk more than that but that she wanted me to know that. It helped.

That's good. Yes, definitely keep working on yourself and continue the no contact. Both of you need this time apart to regain your confidence.

I suggest not to set a 1 month cap. It's better to take whatever time you need, because one of you can require more time than the other.

There's a saying: "If you can't help yourself, how can you help someone else?"

ylaira · Apr 6, 2009, 01:04 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBIs_REmowg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5zOTfMuDMA
YouTube - Post-Breakup Survival Tips

emg13 · Apr 8, 2009, 01:06 PM

I wish, you're right about the one month cap. It's getting easier everyday, and it's nice to be able to focus on me.

ylaira, thanks, but this is a break and not a breakUP. If it does go down that road, I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Sigh. Will the packing ever end?

mudweiser · Apr 8, 2009, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by emg13

Sigh. Will the packing ever end?

Sure will. Scouts honor. It goes faster if your busy;)

MRS.S

artlady · Apr 8, 2009, 01:20 PM

I would think that adding to her personal stress is the issue of not being *out*.
It must feel like she is leading a double life.
I hope that during this separation she comes to terms with that as well,so that in the future you can have the open relationship that you deserve.

redhed35 · Apr 8, 2009, 01:31 PM

Hey,I know your up to your eyes packing but a good way to get perspective is keeping a journal.. even just to write a few lines a couple of times a week.
By the end of the month you can look back and see that you did survive the break and you will have more confidence to deal with any other issues that may come up.

emg13 · Apr 8, 2009, 04:13 PM

Oh, absolutely, the being "in the closet" issue contributes greatly to her stress, and she even calls it a "double life." However, she is an only child with very critical, old-fashioned parents, and the thought of being honest with them terrifies her... but the issue does weigh heavily on her, and I do hope that she's considering that now, too.

I have a journal that I seem to only write in when I'm sad or angry (maybe that's normal), but I haven't had the time to write in it yet. I'll get to it next week, after the move.

And the packing DOES keep me busy, which is a good thing. :)

Thanks so much for caring, everyone. I had just gotten back from an interview for a summer job (I'm a teacher.), walked into my apartment, and fell into a crying fit. I'm very glad that I came to check this forum. Thank you again.

I wish · Apr 8, 2009, 04:49 PM

I hope that you're feeling better. It will get better day by day. Just keep focusing on yourself. Keep it up!

emg13 · Apr 8, 2009, 06:55 PM

She just called me. She's feeling a little stressed because she's having surgery soon and had an appointment with the doctor today, and she needed to talk. We talked for a while. There was no crying or guilt tripping; in fact, she sounds happier than she's sounded in a long time, and she said that it might be because she's been being productive in lots of ways. I told her that I have been, too, and I even mentioned that I've been going to the gym everyday, which is something that she would have gotten upset about before, saying that my motivation makes her seem lazy, in contrast... but she was genuinely happy for me and proud of me. We agreed to talk again at the beginning of next week, after the holiday, and we're going to "play it by ear" to see each other after a month or so. I really think that things are going to work out with us. We just needed a little kick to move forward, instead of staying stagnant. I'll keep you posted, and I really do appreciate all of the support. Goodnight.