[snow124]

I've perused this forum over the past couple of weeks because of some Google results being from here. I've talked to my friends about my situation but figure more input could not hurt. And, yes, I read that break 101 list thing.

Let me clarify a few things first: Please don't judge this situation based solely on my age. I'm 21, have been with my fiancée since April of 2006, got engaged in August of 2006 (date of marriage being "when we graduate"), which is something I even now still do not think was a mistake. And, this has been my first serious, long-term relationship.

So, we've been together for almost three years. We've lived together (with my parents, as we attend the same school that's three minutes away, we can't afford our own place, and I also work at said school) since she transferred to this school in the fall of 2006. I've always been happy with her and have never questioned wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. She has been through some hard times with finances and her family, something which she has been been too proud to willingly let me help her with. Since we got together, I've gotten my life back on track by going back to school, being serious about it, and excelling. I've gotten over my severe depression, and am overall a much better person because of her. I have always been happy with her.

About six months ago, she started getting depressed. I thought it was work and school taking their toll on her, as she had been very overworked and stressed for some time. During this, I tried to be supportive and comforting. I tried to help her figure out her problems, and she told me she was just worried about money and school. She assured me it was nothing that was my fault. Knowing how depression can take so much out of you, I made it clear I was there for anything she needed.

Cut to about two months ago, and she revealed that she was really exhausted with me not being social. I've always been very shy and antisocial, and would make up excuses for not going out. She never told me she had a problem with it, and I never alluded to not being that way. I had been pouring everything into school, doing well, and used that as an excuse for not having time for other things. Yet, as it happened I of course didn't realize it. Once this came up (it involved going to a work Christmas party, she eventually said that she wanted to have a good time, if I went that wouldn't happen, and to avoid an argument I needed to not go.)

Once I knew she had a problem with it, I set out to correct it. I've made improvements to myself in the past few years but have never really left my shell, so I sat her down, told her I was serious about being more social, and asked her to be patient as I turned over a new leaf. She agreed.

Over these months, she had grown increasingly distant and short with me. Especially in the three weeks after the social issue came up. So, last week of classes, she tells me that she feels like she's the only one trying in the relationship, that I don't take the initiative to do anything, that she doesn't feel wanted, that I'm emotionally unresponsive, and that she's exhausted. I asked her if she still thought we could get through it, that I didn't know about any of this, and she said yes, it was just going to be hard. Next day she tells me we need a break, that she was moving back in with her parents, and that the distance would be good for us to gain perspective. She told me she would stay faithful to me and that she still loved me.

So, within the next week, she moves in with a (male) friend. She argues with her mom a lot and I knew she doesn't want to live there. I was upset by this, but she assured me that they were just friends, she wasn't interested in him, and she acted offended that I would doubt her. So over the semester break, I had been upset but took solace in her assurances. Still, my mind wandered, and as I thought more about it, I resolved to forgive her even if she did do anything with him - I wouldn't blame myself, but I did push her away from me and didn't treat her how she deserves, and people do stupid things when in bad emotional states.

After she initiated the break, I took a lot of steps to better my life. I got in touch with old friends, spent time with them, sat down and talked to my family about what was going on in my life (something I had never really done, as our relationship has been strained at best), all in hopes of showing her I'm capable of changing and because they're things I've needed to do for myself. She had said she couldn't stand not talking to me during the break, so we'd talk but she wouldn't want to talk about anything serious, just what we'd been up to, work, etc. We did hang out a few times, going out to eat, generally having a nice time although I did slip into the bad condition of telling her I miss her, love her, etc. We were having lunch about a week ago and she told me it was a matter of when, not if, we would get back together. The next day we had a nice dinner, both had a great time, and I was feeling pretty great.

Two days later, she calls me saying she needs to talk to me about something. She was reluctant to tell me so I just demanded she spit it out. She had sex with the guy she was living with two weeks prior, so about one week after the break started, and had continuously lied to me about it (I don't want you to worry about me and him... ). Said it was the stupidest thing she had ever done, that she was terrified of losing me and didn't know how to tell me, that she was so sorry and nothing she could say could make it better. She had still been living with him after that; I asked her why and she said convenience (five minutes from her work) and that she was rarely there. I was devastated although I tried to prepare myself for the event of it happening; still, I told her I had resolved to forgive her, that she needed to move back in with her parents (she already had), and not have anything to do with him anymore.

I have since made it very clear to her that I still want her back, am here for her no matter what, and am going to be patient as she figures out her thoughts. She said she's still in love with me and I mean more to her than anything, but she's afraid that she still won't be happy if we get back together. So, today I've finally done what I probably should've done in the first place and I'm not going to initiate any contact with her, but will be receptive if she does decide to talk to me. School and work started again so I have things to distract me; I obsessed over proving to her during the semester break that I could change, and felt that since so many of my problems stemmed from a lack of communication that me remaining silent would help nothing.

I told her it'd take time for me to trust her again but that I want to put the cheating behind us. According to a mutual friend, most of her past boyfriends have been s and she's cheated on most of them, and that she's an unfaithful person.

So, my actual questions:

I may not have been the best I could be for her, but I have always been decent, honest, and supportive. She realizes how wrong it was to cheat on me, and that I don't deserve that. Is it foolish to assume guilt can be a deterrent to keep her from doing this to me again?

I have always been happy with her regardless of what else is in my life because I am in love with her and she strengthens me. I've been through depression, and know how it can drain you completely and make you not care about anything. Is it unwise of me to continue to think that her unhappiness stems from all the stress in her life, and I'll be capable of making her happy if we get back together and I continue improving myself?

Sorry for the length; I wanted to give this more background than "my fiancee cheated on me, help!" She still says it's a matter of when, not if, of getting back together, and that she just needs more time. So I'm giving her time and trying to keep occupied; is that the best course of action?

[plonak]

Ok wow this is a long post, haha but it's OK, we need details to be able to help

I think you seem like a decent person but you need work on yourself esteem. Allowing your fiancé to do that to you is unexceptable in my book.. she walked all over you, and then slept with her roommate, all the while assuring you that she wasn't interested in him..

How can you possibly trust this woman? How could you want to marry her? What if she does this again, when you're married and have kids.. She does not seem like someone you should spend the rest of your life with.

Also, she has a past of this, and she's continuing to do it.. why would she possibly change if she's done it before and gotten away with it (with you)..

You need to stop talking to her and gain some perspective on this.. you deserve better! You're trying to better yourself and improve, and she doesn't seem to be doing anything of the sorts...

Stop contact completely. Continue to work on yourself FOR YOU NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE and move on with your life

You are young, you WILL FIND OTHER GIRLS!!!!

See a counselor for your depression, maybe start some medication if you aren't already and work on yourself esteem..

Continue to see your old friends, try new hobbies and make new friends.. Get out there and discover the world.. YOU'RE FREE NOW!

[snow124]

Thanks for the response plonak - just to clarify I am no longer suffering from depression.

[plonak]

Thanks for the response plonak - just to clarify I am no longer suffering from depression.

That's good... Just be careful to not let it creep its way back in.. Stay strong and you will get through this

[1outof7billion]

Is it foolish to assume guilt can be a deterrent to keep her from doing this to me again?

Guilt should never be the sole deterrent that keeps one faithful to another.

Once a cheater always a cheater. You don't deserve to have to go through this with her or anyone for that matter, there are so many other people out there.

[Romefalls19]

Depression is an everyday struggle, my fiancé suffers from it although she has beat it but sometimes it does creep it's way back into your life. Stay strong and know you have people routing for you! plonak gave great answers and advice, follow it and keep us updated on your progress!

[jmw0713]

Run away from this unfaithful and lying girl!! Save yourself the emotional pain and wasted time. Work on yourself, get better mentally and physically and have fun.

You're too young to be thinking about marrying anyone. Most people who marry people in their early 20's divorce by the time they are 30.

You need time to grow and mature in to an adult. Trust me you are not an adult yet... I'm 26 and I don't think I'm and adult yet. Let me tell you though, you will go through some major changes in the next few years. She will be too. So enjoy it now and look for a better girl to enjoy it with.

She is not worth your time, effort, or risk of emotional health. History repeats itself with people. I know this by first hand experience with my ex.

[NItEMArE129]

I'm sorry, but the truth is you're going to hafta end it. After cheating, a relationship will never be the same. Ever. It doesn't who you are, or how close you and you're partner were/are. Cheating renders everything null.

Honestly, what you need to do is drop her like a bad habit. Once a cheater always a cheater. And to make it worse, she probably had sex with him more than once and she is STILL living with him. If she was serious about you, she would be living with you right now. The fact that she isn't means that she either A). Intends to cheat again or B). One of you is the backup and chances are it's the other guy. Drop her like a bad habit before it gets worse.

[slapshot_oi]

I'm pretty sure it was Romefalls19 who said "the one she says not to worry about is the one you should worry about", you're story is a case in point.

She's the one with bad self-esteem, not you.

drop her like a bad habit. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Hahaha, I dig it.

And yeah, there's no recovering from a cheater, can't even be real friends with them after the fact 'cause all the trust is destroyed.

[zeeniee]

Hi Snow124,
I think the first thing you should do is stop your engagement and all wedding plans.
You need to spend some time on your own and work out what you want to do, how your goingto do it.
You need to love yourself more and be kind to yourself
I think your girl was v wrong in what she did- she has walked all over you and has not realised how much this has hurt you- she is being pure selfish- although you love her v much- you need to sit down and think of how wrong she did you and how unfair that is to you

[talaniman]

She wasn't happy being with you the way you are, and thats enough to let you know she never will be. Her problem, not yours.

Get her out of your system, and move on.

[zeeniee]

Hey Snow124, HOw have you been keeping?

[HistorianChick]

So, my actual questions:

I may not have been the best I could be for her, but I have always been decent, honest, and supportive. She realizes how wrong it was to cheat on me, and that I don't deserve that. Is it foolish to assume guilt can be a deterrent to keep her from doing this to me again?

Guilt shouldn't be a deterrent for doing the right thing. What happens when she feels that you've forgiven her and she no longer is guilty? The only deterrent to not doing something again is wanting to change inside your own heart and mind. She has to change for her... not because she is guilty, but because she knows she was wrong and is ready to grow up.

When you love someone, you are completely committed, nothing held back, all in. Do you believe that she is?

She has cheated on boyfriends before and now cheated on you. That is not a one-time thing; that is a habit.

I have always been happy with her regardless of what else is in my life because I am in love with her and she strengthens me. I've been through depression, and know how it can drain you completely and make you not care about anything. Is it unwise of me to continue to think that her unhappiness stems from all the stress in her life, and I'll be capable of making her happy if we get back together and I continue improving myself?

Maybe so, but it seems like she fell into this "depression" (as you have called it - me, I'd call it a spoiled child who didn't get her way... i.e, you becoming someone you are not for her - a social butterfly) of her own accord and needs to come out of it own her own.

Improving you is not going to help her improve herself. (Does that make sense? Lol) Basically, no matter what YOU do, you are doing it for yourself, to better yourself. She needs to do the same. The impetus for change has to be within the individual, not as a result of outside stimuli (someone saying that they must).

Sorry for the length; I wanted to give this more background than "my fiancee cheated on me, help!" She still says it's a matter of when, not if, of getting back together, and that she just needs more time. So I'm giving her time and trying to keep occupied; is that the best course of action?

I believe that you need to focus on keeping yourself occupied and busy. She has hurt you and has once again given into the habit of cheating on someone that she loves. She opened the door to it when she moved in with that guy. She knew it would happen. She was allowing herself to be enabled... that's not the type of woman that you want to be married to.

I agree with the others, I don't think she is a wise choice for you at this time. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. So, you're not a social butterfly, you were willing to try for her. That's love. It wasn't good enough for her... that's not right.

I'm sorry that she has hurt you and that you find yourself in this situation. Best of luck.

[snow124]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. I realize the validity of what you're all saying, but don't find myself willing to follow your advice.

I've been keeping relatively busy (my campus closing due to snow = no school or work, so it's been a bit difficult) and have mostly managed to keep myself from brooding. We'll see how things turn out.

[NItEMArE129]

So you're still with her?

[snow124]

We got back together at the end of January. I was better about the problems she said we had. She didn't feel the same way about me, though. She said she didn't feel like I loved her, that she'd probably continue to screw me over and that's not a relationship, that I was just with her because I didn't want to have to find someone else, that there wasn't a connection between us anymore, that we were perfect for each other three years ago (Wednesday was our third anniversary) but not anymore. Nothing I said really made a difference. We're done. I'm not expecting nor really wanting her back if she feels that way. I hate closing this chapter of my life and feel really lost. She had never cleaned her stuff out of my room since moving out in December, I did that today and filled up a lot of trash bags to drop off at her place. Throwing away some of the cards or things she got me were some of the hardest things I've had to do. Initiating no contact besides dealing with our joint account/credit cards. I'd like to still have her in my life as a friend way later on but don't anticipate that happening. I no longer feel like I can relate to any of my friends or family, my interest in any interests has waned in recent years, and I'm at a rather low point.

[zeeniee]

Hey Snow124,

Thank you for updating your situation. I think you were very brave in trying again and giving your best. At least now you can see clearly how much she has changed and that things will never be the way it used to Be. As hard as it is- take that as a positive sign.

At the end of the day- you are the stronger one- even though you don't feel it right now. You cleared her stuff out and dealt with the end part of the relationship- please give yourself a lot of credit for this- as it is very hard clearing someone's stuff out, but you did it! You did the right thing- as now you have created that space for YOU.

I know what it feels like when your unable to relate to friends and family at the most difficult times, so please use this site to talk, vent etc... people here are really good and you will get fantastic support from many folks here. With time and space you will find yourself back on your feet- but it will take time and courage from your heart and so be patient and very kind to yourself.

In the meantime, place one or two things you should do for you- and push yourself to do this for you - it will help you keep pro-active and allow you to switch off for a llittle while during the day. Look afteryourself well- eat and sleep well and slow your world down and so you can see things more clearly and with time you will workout what the best way forward is.

Take care
zeeniee

[snow124]

I bagged up all her stuff but it's still sitting on the floor of my room. Ten or twelve trash bags of it. Everything's so bare, I hated throwing away/giving back all of the mementos of our time together. I need to drop it off at her house but can't bring myself to do it yet... I might have a mutual friend drop it off for me. Deleted all the pictures of us on social networking sites. I don't want it to seem spiteful but I know I need to do it as to not dwell. I kind of want to get out of the house, but it doesn't take much more than the thought of her to bring me to tears, so I'm not ready for that yet. Don't go back to work/school until Monday.

My friends tell me I'm better off without her, that I didn't deserve what she did to me, that I deserve much better, but I can't help but remember the vast majority of the past three years that were amazing and regret the mistakes I made.

[talaniman]

You will feel better later, if you stay busy with a plan of rebuilding your life, without her, but have no regrets, we all make mistakes, and she did too, so don't take all the blame, or we come through the screen, and cyber slap you off the pity pot!

Having a friend deliver her stuff to her, is a good idea.

[Rich11111]

Why are you taking the blame for this?
She is the one who didn't communicate her problems with you until it was too late, She is the one who promised to remain faithful and even took offense to you being worried she wouldn't and then she cheated.(NItEMArE129 has a point, they most likely did it more than once, You don't sleep with someone, feel horrible but continue living with them, She is a habit cheater)She then lied about it for a week. Then you got back together she still has a problem.

It may have been a problem with you, but it was here lack of communication that caused your original separation. And it was a change in her that caused you to end it.
You would have to write pages to let us fully understand everything that is going on here, but from what I have read this break up was here fault, not yours. As bad as you may feel right now you shouldn't feel guilty.

Also, as far as having her in your life as a friend.
For the reasons I stated above she mistreated you in this relationship, and a friend does not mistreat a friend.