Fiancée needed a break, cheated on me
I've perused this forum over the past couple of weeks because of some Google results being from here. I've talked to my friends about my situation but figure more input could not hurt. And, yes, I read that break 101 list thing.
Let me clarify a few things first: Please don't judge this situation based solely on my age. I'm 21, have been with my fiancée since April of 2006, got engaged in August of 2006 (date of marriage being "when we graduate"), which is something I even now still do not think was a mistake. And, this has been my first serious, long-term relationship.
So, we've been together for almost three years. We've lived together (with my parents, as we attend the same school that's three minutes away, we can't afford our own place, and I also work at said school) since she transferred to this school in the fall of 2006. I've always been happy with her and have never questioned wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. She has been through some hard times with finances and her family, something which she has been been too proud to willingly let me help her with. Since we got together, I've gotten my life back on track by going back to school, being serious about it, and excelling. I've gotten over my severe depression, and am overall a much better person because of her. I have always been happy with her.
About six months ago, she started getting depressed. I thought it was work and school taking their toll on her, as she had been very overworked and stressed for some time. During this, I tried to be supportive and comforting. I tried to help her figure out her problems, and she told me she was just worried about money and school. She assured me it was nothing that was my fault. Knowing how depression can take so much out of you, I made it clear I was there for anything she needed.
Cut to about two months ago, and she revealed that she was really exhausted with me not being social. I've always been very shy and antisocial, and would make up excuses for not going out. She never told me she had a problem with it, and I never alluded to not being that way. I had been pouring everything into school, doing well, and used that as an excuse for not having time for other things. Yet, as it happened I of course didn't realize it. Once this came up (it involved going to a work Christmas party, she eventually said that she wanted to have a good time, if I went that wouldn't happen, and to avoid an argument I needed to not go.)
Once I knew she had a problem with it, I set out to correct it. I've made improvements to myself in the past few years but have never really left my shell, so I sat her down, told her I was serious about being more social, and asked her to be patient as I turned over a new leaf. She agreed.
Over these months, she had grown increasingly distant and short with me. Especially in the three weeks after the social issue came up. So, last week of classes, she tells me that she feels like she's the only one trying in the relationship, that I don't take the initiative to do anything, that she doesn't feel wanted, that I'm emotionally unresponsive, and that she's exhausted. I asked her if she still thought we could get through it, that I didn't know about any of this, and she said yes, it was just going to be hard. Next day she tells me we need a break, that she was moving back in with her parents, and that the distance would be good for us to gain perspective. She told me she would stay faithful to me and that she still loved me.
So, within the next week, she moves in with a (male) friend. She argues with her mom a lot and I knew she doesn't want to live there. I was upset by this, but she assured me that they were just friends, she wasn't interested in him, and she acted offended that I would doubt her. So over the semester break, I had been upset but took solace in her assurances. Still, my mind wandered, and as I thought more about it, I resolved to forgive her even if she did do anything with him - I wouldn't blame myself, but I did push her away from me and didn't treat her how she deserves, and people do stupid things when in bad emotional states.
After she initiated the break, I took a lot of steps to better my life. I got in touch with old friends, spent time with them, sat down and talked to my family about what was going on in my life (something I had never really done, as our relationship has been strained at best), all in hopes of showing her I'm capable of changing and because they're things I've needed to do for myself. She had said she couldn't stand not talking to me during the break, so we'd talk but she wouldn't want to talk about anything serious, just what we'd been up to, work, etc. We did hang out a few times, going out to eat, generally having a nice time although I did slip into the bad condition of telling her I miss her, love her, etc. We were having lunch about a week ago and she told me it was a matter of when, not if, we would get back together. The next day we had a nice dinner, both had a great time, and I was feeling pretty great.
Two days later, she calls me saying she needs to talk to me about something. She was reluctant to tell me so I just demanded she spit it out. She had sex with the guy she was living with two weeks prior, so about one week after the break started, and had continuously lied to me about it (I don't want you to worry about me and him... ). Said it was the stupidest thing she had ever done, that she was terrified of losing me and didn't know how to tell me, that she was so sorry and nothing she could say could make it better. She had still been living with him after that; I asked her why and she said convenience (five minutes from her work) and that she was rarely there. I was devastated although I tried to prepare myself for the event of it happening; still, I told her I had resolved to forgive her, that she needed to move back in with her parents (she already had), and not have anything to do with him anymore.
I have since made it very clear to her that I still want her back, am here for her no matter what, and am going to be patient as she figures out her thoughts. She said she's still in love with me and I mean more to her than anything, but she's afraid that she still won't be happy if we get back together. So, today I've finally done what I probably should've done in the first place and I'm not going to initiate any contact with her, but will be receptive if she does decide to talk to me. School and work started again so I have things to distract me; I obsessed over proving to her during the semester break that I could change, and felt that since so many of my problems stemmed from a lack of communication that me remaining silent would help nothing.
I told her it'd take time for me to trust her again but that I want to put the cheating behind us. According to a mutual friend, most of her past boyfriends have been s and she's cheated on most of them, and that she's an unfaithful person.
So, my actual questions:
I may not have been the best I could be for her, but I have always been decent, honest, and supportive. She realizes how wrong it was to cheat on me, and that I don't deserve that. Is it foolish to assume guilt can be a deterrent to keep her from doing this to me again?
I have always been happy with her regardless of what else is in my life because I am in love with her and she strengthens me. I've been through depression, and know how it can drain you completely and make you not care about anything. Is it unwise of me to continue to think that her unhappiness stems from all the stress in her life, and I'll be capable of making her happy if we get back together and I continue improving myself?
Sorry for the length; I wanted to give this more background than "my fiancee cheated on me, help!" She still says it's a matter of when, not if, of getting back together, and that she just needs more time. So I'm giving her time and trying to keep occupied; is that the best course of action?
