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Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 01:34 PM

Yes - I am a guy last I checked. Yes I am blunt- because people come here trying to hear what THEY WANT TO HEAR - instead of sorting out the truth and reality and wh ythings happen - SO it never happens again.

chuff · Sep 9, 2006, 03:00 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes I am blunt- because people come here trying to hear what THEY WANT TO HEAR - instead of sorting out the truth and reality and wh ythings happen - SO it never happens again.

Midnight I've been reading these posts and I agree with Wildcat. From you ex boyfriends perspective he has to be thinking he was being played by a woman who wouldn't or couldn't commit. I hear a lot of I did this and I did that so I deserved him on my terms. What about his terms? If he got a good job offer was he supposed to turn that down for a woman that he dated for 2 years but was married?

It's hard to hear but the blunt truth is what you need when your emotional about a topic. The truth cuts right to the heart of the matter and doesn't usually allow a lot of room for excuses. When were emotional about a topic or person, our friends don't usually want to create any problems so they avoid the topic or agree with you verbally even when they don't mentally. They tell you what you want to hear because they think that's what they need to do as friends. Your getting unbiased opinions here and I think you need to read them and at least consider if they are true or have merits of truth to them. By accepting the truth, it is the only way you are going to be able to heal yourself and move on.

Wildcat21 · Sep 10, 2006, 05:51 PM

Yes... see NOW it's a long dsitance relationship... AND your married AND you don't want to move. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is.

Last I checked you were STILL married - I am sure he feels you will never divorce - EVEN if you are telling the truth. I know people, usually women, that stick with married people for YEARS. Only to find they never had any intentions to divorce.

MidnightBlue · Sep 11, 2006, 12:20 PM

My divorce will be finalized in a month. It's pretty ironic that I'm finally getting divorced and things have ended. OK, well maybe my instincts were telling me not to move. Would You move your life for someone who gets involved with someone before letting you know they want to move on? Because that's what he did, And was very hurtful about it. I don't care if he his heart was broken or whatever, that's not how you treat someone you've been in a 2 yr relationship with. Why can't you at least agree with me on that?

Wildcat21 · Sep 11, 2006, 12:24 PM

Hey you didn't go when he asked.

Again - you're not divorced yet AND it would have been a lon gdistance relationship - TWO HUGE obsticles for a single guy.

I am sure he is hurt as well. He was waiting 2 years for you to get a divorce. 2 years. Of course he moved on.

I would never wish a LD relationship on anyone - they are very hard.

talaniman · Sep 11, 2006, 03:23 PM

So, now that your free and single what are you going to do with it? Should you get a make over, chase old news or invent yourself to what you want to be without being defined by any one but you? Boy is this a tough question? How many people get to start from scratch and build the life of their own dream with no baggage from the past, only hopes for the future? Sometimes the universe does for us what we can't do for ourselves, so be mad and bitter if you must, but remember you have better things to do... If you want to.

YeloDasy · Sep 11, 2006, 03:24 PM

I agree with you all about her responsibility... I said that in one of my initial posts on this thread... she made decisions that were not in the best interest of the relationship. BUt that does not mean we can't support her loss...

She asked for help with loss... not to be judged about who is right and who is wrong. He is right to have moved on, she is right to be feeling loss... NONE of us are perfect, we have all made mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we deserve to be treated with disrespect. Cheating is NEVER justified... Nor do any of us need to be judging. He is not on here asking for support, she is, so I think she deserves some credit for being able to look at herself, ask for help, and try to make things better in her life. A lot of people can't even do that... SHe made mistakes I agree... but geez... this is not a battle of who is right! HE chose to stay for 2 years knowing the situation... so he has some responsibility too! But this is about her... and her loss.

And if we make a mistake in our lives, does that mean that our feelings no longer count or no longer valid..?

Sorry, I am on a soapbox... just don't like battling who is right and wrong.

Wildcat21 · Sep 11, 2006, 03:31 PM

When she wouldn't go with him I am sure he felt that was the last straw. Realtonship over.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 11, 2006, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by MidnightBlue

My divorce will be finalized in a month. It's pretty ironic that I'm finally getting divorced and things have ended. OK, well maybe my instincts were telling me not to move. Would You move your life for someone who gets involved with someone before letting you know they want to move on? Because that's what he did, And was very hurtful about it. I don't care if he his heart was broken or whatever, that's not how you treat someone you've been in a 2 yr relationship with. Why can't you at least agree with me on that?

Its possible that you picked someone with a sense of desperation running in the background, a kind of very subtle desperation that all of us have (but don't always know that we have) when a relationship or marriage comes to an end. It is the number one reason why "rebound relationships" fail. It is why when a relationship ends, I suggest at least a year off the market, take a break, you're too fragile and not thinking straight... nobody is!

If you can... you might see him as someone who you needed in order to escape that marriage and who got you as far as you needed to go while leaning on someone and now that you are ready to Voilà! Be your own woman, it ended. Very badly, I grant you, but your "picker" was pretty rusty too!

Now is the time to focus on you, your life, your friends, especially your women friends (they will become INVALUABLE!) and allow yourself some exploration and growing opportunities. Amidst all that grief, believe it or not, a new woman is emerging! Find out who she is and what she really likes, okay? Just leave the guys alone for now LOL

mysticque · Sep 11, 2006, 05:25 PM

MidnightBlue, you could always surprise him. Maybe it's not all over yet. If you really care about the guy and you think there's a future for both of you and you think he might still consider the situation. Do it! Don't hesitate. Remember your chances only comes in 1 package. But then again only you could answer all these questions. You been with the guy, lived with him (I supposed) surely you can figure it out. I've had 2 long term relationships in the past. Guys have the weakness of honesty, sincerity, and most of all love and care. Just show up in front of his door. If that is you know he's still single. OR else don't take my word. What I'm trying to say is do what your heart tells you. At least you won't regret every single drop of moment of your life..

MidnightBlue · Sep 12, 2006, 06:12 AM

Thank you Wildcat, but I never said to him I would Not go and move down there with him. I told him I needed more time to sell the condo, get the divorce. All in all things have worked out the way they were suppose to. Eventually, I do want to find a great guy and get married, and the ex-bf had said we could live together and see how it goes. To me that was a red flag. He said he doesn't do married very well, he's too selfish. I guess I believed in the love myth that if you love someone, everything would work out for the better, like love conquers all. I do know better now.
Thank you Val, he may have been someone to help me escape my marriage, you're right. That's hard to admit, but the relationship did develop into something much more. Yes, now is the time to focus on exploring and growing.
Thank you Yelo, for your support!
And thank you Tal, being angry is part of the process, which seems to be where I'm at now. Thanks for reminding me that I have better things to do now! :)

chuff · Sep 13, 2006, 03:05 AM

Originally Posted by MidnightBlue

I don't care if he his heart was broken or whatever, that's not how you treat someone you've been in a 2 yr relationship with. Why can't you at least agree with me on that?

Wow. You don't care that his heart was broken, by you non the less, and you expect him to stay with you? I don't even know what to say to that. That speaks volumes about you.

MidnightBlue · Sep 13, 2006, 05:28 AM

Chuff, I was speaking in anger. I care, but he's the one who didn't talk to me or treat me with respect. If I didn't care so I wouldn't be so upset now would I?

K_3 · Sep 13, 2006, 06:20 AM

Originally Posted by MidnightBlue

Thank you K3, your response made me stop and think more of the ex-bf's side. But since he's been married and divorced 4 times I thought he would have more of an understanding in this area. And thanks WildCat, you are definitely blunt which does get one's attention. I'm assuming you're a guy right?

Before he would get a divorce, was he involved with the next wife or someone else. If so that speaks volumes about him.

K_3 · Sep 13, 2006, 06:46 AM

As I said in an earlier post, when 2 people start a relationship and one of them is married, seldom does there come any good out of it. It is easy to say you were wrong because one should end a marriage first. On the other hand someone who gets involved with a married person is wrong in attempting to take another persons husband/wife. There are people out there that like to have affairs with a married person because they feel they are safe. You did not say why you divorced your X, hopefully it was a good situation to get out of and not because of him. He may have helped it along.
I do understand why you feel he told you goodby in a underhanded way. It sounds as though he met someone else and from what he said to you he made it all your fault. Even though you were the married one he certainly was in agreement with the relationship for 2 years. He could have been honest and said he was tired of waiting and found someone else. I do not feel he is squeeky clean in this situation. He knew you were married and he had no respect for your husband. He made it look and made you feel as though it was all your fault. Having been married 4 times. Possibly any relationship for him has a 2 to 3 year run and then it is over. Honesty is the key word here, in a relationship where a married person is involved started on dishonesty and that is usually where it ends.

Having said that, you have learned a lot from this relationship and it is time to move on. Take time to know you and what you want. Go out and have fun with some female friends. Realize it was not all your fault and you have a right to have a broken heart, be thankful you have a chance for a new life. Take it and make this one right.

MidnightBlue · Sep 13, 2006, 06:57 AM

Thank you K3. I'm divorcing my husband because he's an alcoholic, plus he's a manic depressive. I felt very alone and needed more out of a marriage. I hung in there for 18 yrs.

K_3 · Sep 13, 2006, 07:25 AM

I am sorry, alcoholics become depressed. It is not a life I would wish on anyone. I dated an alcoholic for a while. The most wonderful person in the world... sober. When he drank he would change and then the depression would set in. It was like a roller coaster ride. Now you know 2 traits you do not want in a mate.:) Have you gone to al-anon?

MidnightBlue · Sep 13, 2006, 08:13 AM

Only went to 1 al-anon meeting, didn't give it a chance. Seemed like people went to vent but didn't seem like any advice is given. Guess it helps in that you don't feel alone with that problem?

K_3 · Sep 13, 2006, 08:24 AM

I can not tell you how many people I have heard say exactly what you said after 1 or 2 times and not go back. I also felt that way, but fortunately one gentleman said come back. I think the non drinker seeks out al-anon thinking it is going to fix the alcoholic. No, it has nothing to do with them. It is all about you and changing your reaction and healing you. Yes, there were times the venting seemed to be a bit much. I did go for a while and I learned a lot. Listening to others vent, there would be things said that hit home and I knew it was not just me. You hear what the alcoholic says and you realize you have heard that before... said to you. You learn it is their problem and it has become your problem and you can not fix someone else's problem. You fix you, you being the only person you can control. Somewhere in the process you change. In some cases by changing it has helped the alcoholic and other times it gives you the strength to go forward. Try it a few times, even though you are divorced it can put some of your old feelings in perspective.

MidnightBlue · Sep 13, 2006, 08:36 AM

I have thought about checking it out again, and since you are recommending it I probably will. Thank you K3 for understanding. There are a lot of things I want to be doing, like getting back into an exercise routine, take up painting again, take some college courses and stuff like that. Just need to take that first step. :rolleyes: