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dumped2manytimes · Sep 8, 2006, 04:29 AM

I messed up big time! I slept with him last night. Thought if I slept with him, and he spend the night, he will see the real me, and dumped his “x girlfriend” I honestly don’t know what to do, to stop being so pathetic. He phoned me this morning, and I demanded to know if he wants to be with me or with her. Yeah you guessed it; he wants to try with her! I hanged up. I texted him, and told him, not to contact me, not to text me, not even look in my direction. My heart is broken, and I know that it is my own fault. The frustrating thing is, I know I’m well balanced, good at my work, I’m a pleasant person, and strong, why do I let these men walk all over me. I’ve read thousands of self help books, about self respect and self love etc… But I don’t stick with all my good intentions. What must I do now? On the one side, I actually want him back. Pathetic I know. On the other side I want to run him over. Please give me some advice?

JoeCanada76 · Sep 8, 2006, 05:42 AM

First of all stop relying on these so called self help books. What you should be doing is listening to your own intuition and what it tells you for each situation. I would say the majority of the time somebody who is attuned to their intuition and do not listen to it, are the ones always having problems. My advice. You know what broke your heart. You know what you did was stupid. You know that it feels lousy and that it is your own fault. HMMM, If you want to get hurt again. Then you will continue thinking the way you do and you will continue making the same mistakes.

You need to leave this guy alone. You need to focus on yourself. Focus on your career, education, church. Whatever you focus on except for men. Stay away from them.

Until you learn the behaviour that will actually help you in a relationship. First of all being involved in somebody else when they have somebody else and you know they do. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY.

Do not look for anybody. When one day you do find somebody else take it real real real slow. Take your time. When you rush, it will not last, it will not work.
So improve on yourself image and focus on yourself and keeping yourself busy. Stay guy free. Stay away from this guy. NEVER NEVER NEVER, Go back. No matter what happens to him and his girlfriend.

Joe

RayMhlanga · Sep 8, 2006, 07:01 AM

Hie
I am so sorry about what you went through but you need to move on with your life other wise you will be sorry for the rest of your life . Its not easy to forget such a thing but with God you can become an .He will give you all the peace that you really he says the moment that you ask him in your life he washes all your sins away .The fact that you are felling guilty about it is sin in its fact .When you slept with that person you entered into convert with that guy (sole tie) That's why God really desires us to get married first .The fact that you gave yo self so easly to him makes that Guy thinks you are cheap .When you done and over with this no one should take you for Granted .You will be a new creature and he remembers your sins no mere

I advice you to go to a good easily church where you will get help in becoming a christian if you continue to need some more help pliz do not hesitate to get in touch

I pray God will see you through this storm just hang on him and trust him all the way the storm will calm and you will be a better person some times certain experiences makes us better person next time

kp2171 · Sep 8, 2006, 07:23 AM

Wanting to be happy is a strong motivator... sometimes for us to do the right things, sometimes for us to do really stupid things. Been there, done that.

You know what you need to do. There's no magic bullets or pills. You accept how you are treated when you return to this kind of treatment. You need to expect more for yourself, expect more from yourself, and decide whether you are willing to be alone for a while as you try to get on a more positive path.

After I had a good relationship turn bad, and lived with it for no good reason for two years, it took me a couple of years to get my head about me again. Vowing to never settle for that kind of junk again was key.

Many people scoff at the idea of going to a counselor for some help. Its an idea you should think about. Our college aged daughter started to see one from time to time when she was getting really stressed (as in almost ulcers and migraines) and she had just gotten out of a less than great relationship where this strong girl put up with the dumbest crap from a punk she liked. The counseling helped center her. Gave her an outside party to talk to (much like this forum) for perspective. It helped her. Perhaps it could help you find some solid ground.

Sleeping with someone to get them back doesn't work. Even if he changed his mind for now, he can have sex with someone else, so there goes the "trump" card.

Chery · Sep 8, 2006, 07:25 AM

Welcome dear. If you browse through our very large Relationships threads, you'll find at least two things... 1 - you're not alone in this, and 2 - there are many of us who have been there, done that, and we don't judge.

You are doing just fine putting yourself down right now, and maybe you need it to 'kick yourself in the rear', but after this period is over, and your healing process starts, we will be here to help you heal.

Consider this as a type of diary, or a pen-pall, who you can 'spill it all to' and consider if you accept our feedback or not.

Do whatever all is possible right now to build your self-respect and get back in tune with yourself. What Jesushelper76 said about staying away is good advice, at least from those that you know will do you no good emotionally or any other way right now. Let your healing time evolve, and think about your future independently. Once you are strong in this, you'll be strong enough to avoid those jerks.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 08:22 AM

The first step is - DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?? Can you look in the mirror and LIKE that person looking back at you. Would you hangout with that person.

You have to love yourself first before anyone can love you.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 08:24 AM

And forge about that guy.

AND quit sleeping with people... you should only sleep with people in TRUSTING and RESPECTFUL loving relationship. You may have STDs from the other gal. This guy is sleeping around AND CHEATING on the other gal with you. That's a mess. You don't wan to be with a cheater.

talaniman · Sep 8, 2006, 08:28 AM

Whoever told you you could let someone know who you really are by sleeping with them gave you lousy advice. If you thought that that would make someone love you, well you already know the results of that.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 08:35 AM

Tal - I'd spread the love, but can't. I've see nthat so many times.

He might love you more IF you had held back.

He used you. He's a cheater. He doesn't respect you. You could NEVER in this life time trust this man.

Depressed in MO · Sep 8, 2006, 08:43 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

and forge about that guy.

AND quit sleeping with people.....you should only sleep with people in TRUSTING and RESPECTFUL loving relationship. You may have STDs from the other gal. This guy is sleeping around AND CHEATING on the other gal with you. That's a mess. You don't wan to be with a cheater.

So he is probably sleeping with other women as well, aside from you and her.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 08:45 AM

Yes.

tirednhurt86 · Sep 8, 2006, 02:34 PM

Heyy

I have been in shoes much like yours. After 2 years my ex dumped me. I begged, pleaded and became so pathetic in my efforts to keep him. Although I never slept with him, if he had come to me or allowed me to I probably would have tried that maneuver. Anyhow, I read tons of self help books- there is one that I firmly believe helped me the title is "its called a breakup because its broken" by. Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. The authors have been where you've been and they do so in a humorous and understanding manner. Anyhow. There's one point that was in the book and that people told me that really stuck with me. He doesn't want you as his girlfriend, and by being anything else to him you are demoting yourself. He is basically telling you- you are not good enough to be his girlfriend so you need to settle for any scrap he gives you- hurts to think that doesn't it? Don't beat yourself up- u slipped up, it happened, but you can grow and learn from this. Once and for all do the no contact- the book I suggested has awesome ideas and advice in it and advice from people who have been through it and survived it. Please do this for YOU. Because you deserve so much more than to be someone else's "scraps"... goodluck and if you need to talk you can message me.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 02:49 PM

Yes - absolutely great book. Read it ladies.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 9, 2006, 06:26 PM

This may come as a huge surprise and it may rattle initially but how you allow yourself to be treated is a real and honest testimony to how you feel about YOU. So whenever you've been treated badly, best to go to the bathroom mirror and have a look at who really did it. If you don't fix it at the source, it only repeats again and again. Why? Because you set it up that way. Crazy sounding, I know, but its true.

Please use the period of grief that follows the loss of a relationship wisely. Look inward, look back over your life, look at where you caught crap when you couldn't defend yourself, and remind yourself you aren't that little person anymore. Do some growing up before you jump in the dating pool again.

chuff · Sep 10, 2006, 01:59 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

This may come as a huge surprise and it may rattle initially but how you allow yourself to be treated is a real and honest testimony to how you feel about YOU. So whenever you've been treated badly, best to go to the bathroom mirror and have a look at who really did it. If you don't fix it at the source, it only repeats again and again. Why? Because you set it up that way. Crazy sounding, I know, but its true.

Please use the period of grief that follows the loss of a relationship wisely. Look inward, look back over your life, look at where you caught crap when you couldn't defend yourself, and remind yourself you aren't that little person anymore. Do some growing up before you jump in the dating pool again.

Oh my God! This is so incredibly dead on. Dumped (and many others for that matter) Read and re-read this again. I'm guilty of letting girls treat me like crap just to be liked. That doesn't make any sense logically but when you grow up in an emotionally broken situation that is what you learn. You just accept it as "normal." It took me all these years and a hard look into my own pesonality to finally figure that out. The truth is I've brought so much of my own pain to my life because I was that afraid little kid just looking to be liked and couldn't defend myself . The worst part is that woman hate these pushovers and I'm just figuring that out now and I'm about to turn 30.

Dumped I realize you're a woman but the same thing applies, men don't find woman that allow themselves to be used attractive, and it doesn't matter what they look like physically. We use them for one night stands and never call back. Please, Please, Please learn this lesson now (I'm guessing your about 20 years old) and save yourself the pain I've expercienced for the last 10 years. Also don't sleep with a guy right away, I'm a guy and I can tell you that if I really like a girl I have no problem waiting. NONE. By waiting you let him know without saying that you respect yourself and force him to respect you as well.

s_cianci · Sep 10, 2006, 07:01 PM

Listen to what others have said about loving yourself and how you let others treat you. I think that's the heart of your problem. You think that being Mrs. Nice Guy will keep the men interested in you. Actually that's the worst thing you can do in a relationship. I know because I've made that mistake numerous times in the past myself, thinking that playing Mr. Nice Guy would impress the ladies and keep them interested. Instead I got burned just like you. Now I'm not saying to go to the other extreme and be mean and abusive. That's no good either. But you need to be true to yourself. Don't worry about upsetting someone else or hurting their feelings. Jesushelper76 had it right on when he said that you know your intuition but don't listen to it. You must listen to it and act accordingly. Trusting one's instincts and NOT giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is the difference between people who are successful (or at least happy) with their romantic lives and people who are always getting trod upon and burned. When something signals a red flag, it IS a red flag ; don't just brush it away and hope it'll resolve itself. Deal with it head-on. If it means clicking your heels and walking away, so be it. I'm willing to bet that you're doing exactly that, ignoring red flags, believing that you must give the benefit of the doubt. This assumption is based on my own experiences. Unfortunately it'll only come back to haunt you, every time. If someone seems obsessed with an ex, that's red flag #1. If someone cancels a date with you at the last minute, barring a life-threatening catastrophe, that's red flag #2. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture. Don't put up with any of this kind of behavior. The minute it occurs, bail out and stay away. The other person will get the message and respect you all the more.

Wildcat21 · Sep 11, 2006, 12:17 PM

Awesome post - so many people come here making these mistakes. Everyone should read this.

I'd spread the love - but can't.

Great post - great insight.

mysticque · Sep 11, 2006, 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by Chery

Welcome dear. If you browse through our very large Relationships threads, you'll find at least two things... 1 - you're not alone in this, and 2 - there are many of us who have been there, done that, and we don't judge.

You are doing just fine putting yourself down right now, and maybe you need it to 'kick yourself in the rear', but after this period is over, and your healing process starts, we will be here to help you heal.

Consider this as a type of diary, or a pen-pall, who you can 'spill it all to' and consider if you accept our feedback or not.

Do whatever all is possible right now to build your self-respect and get back in tune with yourself. What Jesushelper76 said about staying away is good advice, at least from those that you know will do you no good emotionally or any other way right now. Let your healing time evolve, and think about your future independently. Once you are strong in this, you'll be strong enough to avoid those jerks.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

well that's just completely absurd... I love men honestly. If you would give her that kind of idea I think she might end up going for women. You know, I used to be scared of the dark up until I was 20. Nonsense isn't it. My parents told me to always stay away from the dark. Which I did. Have lights on even when I go sleep. I think it's not a very helpful approach. It took me years to actually get over with it and have the courage to fight back. I'm saying that becoming what you want to be is nothing worst than anything that you can imagine. I think all you need to know is how far you can go beyond the limits. IMO I think you went overboard. I hate confrontations first of all. I do it sometimes when the occasion calls. But in relationship you rarely or never at all confront with the other person especially when it's premature. You see he has an x girlfriend for all you know he's a carrying more baggage than you do. You have to watch out for that. But if you are up for the game prepare that you will win it. I'm sure once your in it will be fun a ride. So just go with the flow wherever the wind blows you, oh what the hell he's in the same boat. He did mention he wants to try his x girlfriend doesn't mean he will sleep with her or rather its final. Yet you still want him back. Just be cautious. Guys are very much like women nowadays. Unpredictable. In order to be stay afloat you need control. Honestly there's no need of healing here. After all both sides gets hurt.

dumped2manytimes · Sep 11, 2006, 11:04 PM

Today is Tuesday, and thank you again for all the posts, some of them are hard true words. Firstly I wish I was 20, but no I'm 29 turning 30 in November. Secondly I've read its call a breakup because It's Broken, I might add, that this is my bible! As soon as I feel a bit negative I read it, but sometimes the heart wants to do what the heart wants to do. I had a terrible weekend; I do have friends, not a lot, so sometimes I spend weekends alone. I also don't have any family. But maybe it's a good thing. Friday night I went to a show with one of my friends, and guess who was there? The guy, with his so called on of ex girlfriend. I handled myself very well. Luckily he was not sitting near us. I truly enjoyed the show!

After the show we went to a club, about an hour later the guy shows up, without his so called on of ex girlfriend. Again…I stood my grounds. Didn't great him, nothing. But then he bought me a drink, I said thank you… and then it happened. I told him that what he is doing is not honest, and he is not being honest with me, with her or with himself. I told him, I'm not part of this game anymore, and he knows exactly how I feel about him, but I'm not going to hang around. And I left.

Last night I got a text from him, saying that he is really sorry about what happened on Friday… etc etc etc. And that he went to a physcologist because of issues still not resolved. His brother died 3 years ago, they were very close. He told the Psychologist that he does not love his ex, but his friends are pushing him into this relaisionship because of them being 7 years together. And that he honestly felt something for me, the first time any many years. Then he phoned me. I told him that I feel his pain, because I lost both my parents, and that I think seeing someone is the best he can do now for himself. We spoke for a long time, and he's not a happy chappy, but I did not mention us or anything. Now, I presume I'm suppose to feel sad, but I don't. I still miss him, but if he's seeing someone he needs to sort himself out. Maybe one day, if we suppose to end up together we will.

mysticque · Sep 11, 2006, 11:43 PM

Well there you go. As you already mentioned he feels something for you and not his ex. I think the guy likes you. If you really like him and miss him. Then work it out. I don't really believe in fate. Well it might work on some people because they subconsciously work on the relationship. But honestly getting a relationship a started is one easy part, but keeping it is the hard part.