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FPJ · Mar 31, 2009, 04:06 PM

I have been dating a wonderful young lady (39) and myself (48) for 8 months. I have known her for 8 years and we have been working together for these 8 years. We started dating in June/July of last year and have gone from 0 to 80 back to 0 then 10,20,50 and now we are back to 0. She says that she needs her space to find out who she is and what she wants and that she will need to date other people. She feels that this is the only way that we have a chance. I am falling apart and heart broken. I have been for 8 years chasing her and I am really in love. I tried not to tell her, but yes I did and now she needs space.

I take this event as my own fault as I seem to be needy and searching for some form of validation at an emotional level. How do I stop, How do I win her back. She said that I have all the qualities that she needs in a husband/Father of her child and she hopes it is me that she picks but for now we can not spend any emotional time. She will still go out with me, but she will also date others. How do I win??

Just looking for an answer. I really do not want to lose her, but it looks like the end of the world is here and I am just treading water...

Any help would be grand.

Thanks in advance.

FP

CrazyThumper · Mar 31, 2009, 08:34 PM

Hi FPJ-

Sounds like you are on a roller-coaster of a ride with this woman! It also sounds like you've been chasing after her for 8 years :( That isn't good bud. You can not be mad at yourself for finally telling her how you feel-it's just that- how you felt.

Now.. from what you are saying, she wants to date other people. Yet in the same paragraph you want to 'Win her back". She also said "She hopes she picks you because you have all these good qualities bla bla". Ok LISTEN, you're not some god dam egg in an easter basket hoping to be picked first. She is at 39 years old still spreading her wings and wants to see 'if the grass is greener', or what else is out there. So LET her.
Trust me if she has known you for 8 years, she knows everything about you and the type of guy you are.

And then you have to make a decision.. if you can still hang out with her and maintain a friendship while she dates others, more power to you. But if you can NOT do this, and it hurts too much then it is time to start the good old "No contact". Smile, say hello at work, and keep it moving. It goes back to the old saying "Don't make someone a priority if they are making you an option", and she is doing JUST that to you.

There is no definite answer here FPJ, only advice, experiences, and friends.

Thumper

Homegirl 50 · Mar 31, 2009, 08:40 PM

It will be hard but you need to leave her be. It's that hard and simple. Don't spend emotional energy on someone who does not feel for you what you feel for them.
If you know you have the tendency to be needy leave her alone and work on yourself. You will then be ready for that new person who comes into your life.
Wish you well

FPJ · Apr 1, 2009, 08:51 PM

Thumper,
Thanks for the advice. It is not what I really want to hear, but I understand and it hurts. No I do not think that I can get over her or even the thought of her dating someone. I just realized that I am at the bottom of her list as tonight we finally stopped communicating and she basically canceled our Goodnight conversations (expected, but still hurt). This is the beginning of the end as I feel we move closer to non-association. Yes it has been a roller coaster ride the last 6 months because she has been so un-sure. Yes I want to win her back, because of my desire to be with her... but I am at a loss, It is so painful knowing that you are not the one and unwanted... Thanks again.

FPJ

FPJ · Apr 1, 2009, 08:56 PM

Homegirl 50,
Thanks for the advise. I know that I need work and I know I need to let her go!! But here is the child in me as to why does it have to be so hard... Anyway thank you again.

FPJ

heartbroke · Apr 1, 2009, 10:01 PM

Dude she just put you on the side? You guys aren't getting any younger... do you want to be someone's side dish the rest of your life? I am the best there is and would never settle for second best. You should feel the same way as well.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 2, 2009, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by FPJ

Homegirl 50,
Thanks for the advise. I know that I need work and I know I need to let her go!!!!!!! But here is the child in me as to why does it have to be so hard..... Anyway thank you again.

FPJ

Dear one, life is hard! But those hard knocks strengthen us, they help grow us into strong adults when we allow ourselves to learn from them and move on.
Work on yourself, try and figure out where this neediness comes from and deal with it.

liz28 · Apr 2, 2009, 03:34 PM

We all know that being needy/clingy in a relationship can quickly drown a relationship because nobody wants to be in a relationship where they feel like they are being suffocate by their partner. It's good that you realize you are this way and even though it's too late to fix this relationship you can definetely stop it from ruining your next one.

I know that if you feel secure with yourself, believe in yourself and know you have great worth--you would be clingy/needy.

When your with someone you shouldn't live your life only for your relationship but have a life outside out. Hanging out with friends or even doing something you enjoy alone is good and healthy. This will help you prevent making your partner the center of your world.

I glad that you decide to leave your ex alone rather than having an open relationship with her, like she was applying you do. You just dodge a bullet and all the insanity that goes along with open relationships.

In the meantime you fix whatever is broken within you and stay strong.

Survivor07 · Apr 2, 2009, 05:06 PM

I believe that at this age she should know who she is and what she wants, unless maybe she was recently divorced, separated, etc. but you said that you have been chasing her for 8 years, so I assume that's not the case.

It's the old "wants to have her cake and eat it, too". I'm sorry to say that you sound like Plan B. That's not good enough. You want better for yourself. Maybe some distance from her will clear your head enough to know what to do next.

I know from personal experience that dating her, being friends, whatever you call it, will be hard on you if your discussions are going to include how her "dating life" is going.

You can't do much about seeing her at work, but I'd suggest taking a "time out" from having her in your personal life.

none12345 · Apr 2, 2009, 05:20 PM

Dude, time is precious. I don't know if this is relevant or not but you re almost 50 dude. If there are things you still want to do like get married, have kids than I think you should start now and not wait around for her. I know you want her to be that person to have all those with but she might not be the one dude.