[dreamingartist]

Hello :D I felt the need to express myself to a group of listening strangers and just get a realistic point of view from someone who is not my friend or her friend.

I have been dating the same girl for 7 years. This girl is someone I wanted to marry but there has always been something keeping her from wanting to marry me. This relationship came to a finishing point this year when I decided that I could no longer take the relationship and realized that I was not going to be happy if we married, and also feared it ending in divorce. So I ended it. I wish it wasn't over, but I feel like the issues we are having are life issues and personality conflicts that are impossible to resolve.

point 1) this girls parents were in a fatal car accident 5 years ago. Her father died, mother survived. This was after 1 year of dating. So the remaining 6 years have been a coping / fatherly / I'm there for you / type relationship. Yes, we make love, yes she loves me, yes I love her, but it took on a slightly different feeling after the accident.

point 2) this girl has sugar daddys. 1 sugar daddy was her old boss. She talks to him on the phone daily? At least 3 or 4 times a week. He is on her fav five cellphone friends. He is twice her age. Lended her money for her car when she needs it. And takes her to expensive restaurants for dinner (alone) 2 times a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. She denies any wrongdoing and insists that were not married so she can have guy friends, and that if we were married she wouldn't want them?? Which I don't believe.

why is she hanging with this rich guy? Is he getting sex? Why would he pay for dinners, over and over and over, pay for cars, and be on her friends list, etc, if he wasn't getting ANYTHING over all these years?

it makes me lose trust.

point 3) she has 2 other "male" friends that she hangs with. Calls them 3 or 4 times a week, maybe more. 1 is the fat guy who will never get laid but lets her know he wishes he could (power for her? ). The other guy is married as well and has a wife and kid and they work together.

None of these 3 guys are attractive... and I am basically a male model :P LOL! So I've never never never felt like she was going to sleep with them or cheat on me because I am beautiful and a great lover and have always fulfilled those aspects for her. But I am also smart and think that she gets something from each guy to complete a man? I give her comfort, sex, and attention from a good looking guy (plus the whole I was there for her when her family had the car accident). I think the rich guy gives her gifts, restaurants, money and status, and I think the fat guy gives her sexual power where he wishes he could be with her and she just eats it up. And the last guy with the wife gives her friendship or whatever...

so... I let her be friends with these guys for YEARS. PLURAL. I'm not the jealous controlling boyfriend.. but I'm also not going to sit on the sidelines and let a rich sugardaddy take her to 150 dollar dinner 2 times a week. GUESS WHAT. I can't! I'm not a lawyer.. Im a normal guy.. any normal smart guy thinks spending 300 dollars a week on dinner is stupid, raise your hand

:::waves hand in the air:::


also... I told these things to my mother once and asked her advice and my mom started to cry and told me she wanted me to just be happy and that she doesn't see my X-GF respecting me, or appreciating who I am and what I do have to offer.

On the same wavelength, my best guyfriend, who makes about 25 - 35k a year married his girlfriend and they have been happy for 2 or 3 years now with a kid. I make more money than that, so I've always thought the marriage would be OK and if we truly loved each other we could survive on 40 - 80k. My XGF thinks otherwise and insists I get a better job, insists I work my off.. for what? So she can stop hanging with the sugardaddy at dinners?

Did I just get into a failing relationship and its my fault for not leaving sooner? I've been battling with these things I've mentioned for 2 or 3 years now and finally just gave up. I still see her "on occasion" but I don't answer my phone when she calls, I only get text messages from her and I am trying to answer less and less and would love to just CUT it totally but there is a small part in my heart that just wishes she was a different person.

There are other factors and things that I could bring up but there has been so many things that have happened in the 7 years its hard to even cohersively place them in a linear timeline of events.

I do know for a while (1-2 yrs) she wouldn't kiss me and would turn her cheek when I kissed her. That was the last time we broke up was cause I couldn't live with someone who was unwilling to kiss me. We were broken up for mebbe 6 months and then I came back to her, and from that day on she will kiss me now, but its just not a loving kiss.

I guess the more I write the more obvious this answer is so its almost like I am just looking for other opinions from guys and girls on what I've written, as well as being willing to answer some questions for anyone who needs more information.

[kctiger]

I had to stop reading midway through your BS story because of how in love you are with yourself.

Edit that part and I will give you my opinion, but it seems to me, with your boosted ego, you would probably just look down on anything I tell you...

Carry on... :cool:

(Oh, and welcome to AMHD by the way)

In the end, I am not certain what you expect to get out of this relationship, and I am for sure certain she is in no shape to be in a relationship. Her looking for acceptance, support, and attachment from other guys would be a HUGE red flag to me, and I would turn my sails and head the other direction. Just me though... but I think you already know that.

[Justwantfair]

I think you held on too long.

I think this relationship has been over for quite some time and she uses these other men in her life to fill voids that she is not filling with you.

You seem to know of some of your better qualities and it's about time to take your better qualities and find a relationship with a future.

You have requested that the dinners stop and whether you are married or not, they are inappropriate, because you are in a relationship. Her lack of respect for your feelings on the matter, show the extent for which she cares about you.

Good luck and God bless.

[dreamingartist]

I had to stop reading midway through your BS story because of how in love you are with yourself.

Edit that part and I will give you my opinion, but it seems to me, with your boosted ego, you would probably just look down on anything I tell you...

None of these 3 guys are attractive... and I am basically a male model :P LOL!

Does that mean my story is BS? Like a fake story? I don't get it. Second, I was trying to make it a funny line... little tongue face and a caps LOL.

Am I a good looking guy? I guess? But how can I say it where I want the point to be . I feel like she's not looking to these other guys for a attraction or sex, that's why I mentioned looks.. . so I'd rather not edit it.. I meant what I meant...

[kctiger]

Just refer to the bottom half of my post... I think you know what you need to do. I would be gone if I were you. She is looking for something you cannot provide, and it isn't fair for you to be held up to expectations you have no desire to reach. You did the right thing...

You can wish in one hand, and take a dump in the other... guess which one gets filled first? Sucks, but this is life.

[coyne740]

but there is a small part in my heart that just wishes she was a different person.

She's not... that's the thing. She's different than when you first met, but she is still the same person that she is right now. And nothing you do will change that. If you leave and do not speak with her, will she want you back? Maybe, maybe not. But guess what? You most likely will be a different person by then as well.

[dreamingartist]

She's not... that's the thing. She's different than when you first met, but she is still the same person that she is right now. And nothing you do will change that. If you leave and do not speak with her, will she want you back? Maybe, maybe not. But guess what? You most likely will be a different person by then as well.

little more backstory... after the first breakup 5 yrs into the relationship when she stopped kissing me and had that turn of events, we broke up for 2 years... we "off and on" hung out, still had sex randomly but not on my schedule.. only on hers.. and after a year of that poison, I moved on, got some good friends, met some nice girls, healthy friendships.. (no sex), etc.. And the XGF radar turned on.. she knew I was no longer available for her whe she needed me to be and she went full tilt. Told me she couldn't live without me, told her mom she wanted to marry me, told me things would be different, and were not talking 1 night of this. This was 2 months of me letting her "convince" me that things would be different.. so after the 1 year of no relationship just convienecne, folled by 1 year of NC, she was back again begging me to take her back. It took me 2 or 3 months of her crying, begging and pleading for me to change how I felt. I explained this all to her and explained how the no kissing me thing, the sugardaddys, and all that stuff had major issues for me and my psychie, and it caused me to feel untrusting, unhappy, and etc etc..

finally I convinced myself to give it that final shot... do or die, etc. and so we started dating December 2008 and here we are March 2009. In 90 days she went from what she said crying and etc etc right back to the same stuff 2 years before.. sugardaddys (same guys she's had as friends even before the 2 years -- well 1 of the 3 is the same - the rich one). Etc etc.

also - I'm 28 and she is 29. Both started as friends (best friends) for 1.5 years before we finally dated. And then 1 year later the car accident, followed by 5 years of comfort with the trailing 2 of the 5 years with the no kissing minimal sex feelings. Followed by the 1 - 2 years of no relationship / NC - down to the 1 to 2 months of begging to get me back - down to the final 3 months from dec 08 to march 09. And here I am.

[Justwantfair]

Once again, I will state the pure and obvious no matter how many different ways you tell the story.

You held on too long and wasted too much of your life. Get your life back, this relationship is toxic for you.

[CrazyThumper]

Check this out man- she doesn't respect you. Period. The things she is doing, hanging with guys, letting them comfort her, spoil her, etc are all different ways of filling her needs. And I get what your saying with looks, and being an attractive guy.. but there is a saying out there "Show me a hot a$$ chick and I'll show you a guy who is bored of F....ing her". Looks only go so far.. so even if you TRULY did provide for her in every way possible- she may be searching for something that she will never find. So you are just spinning your wheels. OR you may be lacking her needs in some way, that YOU may never be able to fullfil.

Know how many times you've heard couples fighting saying "I've done everything for you".. well, a lot of times the individual person may have done EVERYTHING they can in their own mind/power.. but that doesn't mean it's enough or what was needed by the other person. Learn from this man- I'm 31 myself and there is no way in hell I'm going to let some 'sugar-daddy' take my girlfriend out on dinner dates 2 times a week lol. These guys don't respect you, they don't respect her, and SHE doesn't respect you either- time to move on.

Oh also.. it was very commendable of you to give her another chance- after all her begging and crying. A lot of people wouldn't have done that. But as you can see, if it walks like a duck, quaks like a duck, and looks like a duck- it's probably a dam duck. She hasn't changed. Move on knowing you gave it a second shot and put your best foot forward..
Thumper

[dreamingartist]

Thanks for the replies. I am going to try my hardest this time to not become weak and let things restart. I learned my lesson about the NC. But I don't think I was ready for the lesson where she puts it all on the table and for the first time in 7 years makes me feel like maybe things are different ? ;p maybe she will look like a duck and bark like a dog? But I got quack quack on it so now I have to restart the whole healing / NC / time process again. After 1 or 2 years it really got easy, but all it took was 1 phone call that I shouldn't have answered saying "hey lets goto a NFL game, i have 200 dollar box tickets"

Mmmm box tickets... and then after the NFL game that's when the whole 2 month begging cycle thing started.

[Justwantfair]

There is only one loser when you break NC and that is yourself.

Now you are wiser and hopefully this will help complete the cycle so that you may break it.

Good luck to you and God bless.

[I wish]

Every relationship and breakup is caused by two people. I would not be as harsh as kctiger, but you definitely come out a bit cocky. If you are her ideal boyfriend, she wouldn't be looking for other men to hang out with all the time.

Having other guy friends is fine, but she is being excessive. You are not able to provide what she wants, so she is looking elsewhere to complete. Like you said, it takes 3 other guys to complete what she wants, so what does that say about you?

You definitely held on to her for too long. But then again, you don't seem to be feeling much pain, so that's probably how you held on for so long.

[dreamingartist]

Gotcha, although I'd like to think that if 1 of the 3 guys is rich, and I'm not, all it says is "I'm not rich" :D hehe... and if one guy gives her reassurance and the ability to feel in control 24/7, then I guess I could say "I don't give her enough reassurance and I don't let her have control 24/7" and I guess the last guy gives her friendship and companionship and hanging out time, then I could say "I'm not there for her enough?"

Also, about the pain... I am not feeling the pain like I would if I was madly in love and she broke it off with me... but I am feeling the longterm emotional pain of a 7yr relationship naturally gives. Plus, each person copes with things differently as far as how pain is preceived.. who says I don't sit at home and cry all night cause I'm lonely? (which I don't). I use humor as a way to mask how I feel.. but that doesn't mean I don't feel pain or I don't have my moments..

But from all I've written its also safe to gather that I have been mentally preparing for this for quite some time, so its not like it's a unexpected blow... its expected.. I just initiated the final outcome before she did. And She may never have.. she may have just eventually stopped hanging out with the guys and grown up, but that's why I gave her the chance again anyway...


And finally. How many girls or guys have you walked up to, when you introduce yourself and you say.

Hi, my name is bob. I'm a big fat loser, I have no drive, no motivation, I don't think I look good, I certainly don't feel good, and if I was to be your boyfriend, I would suck at it and we have no future...

You mostly would come off giving your better qualities right? So that's not cocky. I certainly don't think I'm Gods gift to women in general, I can be quite shy... but I do feel I have a lot to offer someone, and if that makes me a bit Cocky, then so be it.. but I just think that I am happy with who I am in most area's of my life and if it shows as over-confidence or cockyness, then at least I have a positive outlook on my future :). But thanks for letting me know anyway cause I'm not trying to turn anyone off or away with that vibe...

[Justwantfair]

You know the difference between cocky and confident in my opinion.

Someone cocky will tell you their good qualities, while someone confident shows you their good qualities.

I know a person just like you and the reason you are selling your good qualities to us, is in fact because you suffer from a low self esteem and you are really trying to sell your good qualities to yourself.

[dreamingartist]

I'm going to disagree 100% on that, but everyone has their own opinions... I suffer from low self esteem? How? Because I wrote a few good things about myself on a internet forum where I openly opened myself up for advice, criticism, and opinions? c'mon...

And before this forum I've NEVER had anyone tell me I come off cocky, EVER.. face to face, in real life, or even through other friends...

[Justwantfair]

Sorry it was my opinion.

You are right we are on the internet, it was just my opinion of the way you talked and presented yourself.

[dreamingartist]

Sorry it was my opinion.

You are right we are on the internet, it was just my opinion of the way you talked and presented yourself.

OK we can be friends :)

[I wish]

Well, the important part is that YOU know the difference. We can only help you based on what you wrote to us. I've asked questions too and any advice, good or bad is helpful one way or another because it makes us look in the mirror to see if there is some truth to what others say in a neutral context.

It's good that you prepared yourself for this day. I guess the next step is to leave her in your past and move forward.

[dreamingartist]

Threads merged

OK, I am a idiot for breaking NC. I had no reason to either, I was fine, she was fine. I wanted to get some photos and stuff that she had of mine, and in all honesty it didn't even matter that much, definetally NOT enough to break no contact.

1) I ask for photos and stuff. She does NOT give them to me because she is too busy, so she wants me to remind her later or re-ask again.. so that's reason #1 for not breaking NC, it just puts you in a position where you have to stay in contact because you aren't going to get the answer you were looking for. No X is going to say, oh we haven't talked in 2 months? You want something, let me drop what I'm doing and grab it for you and email it 2 you.. they are going to be busy, just like I should be :)

2) I broke up with her. Me. Yet when I was on the phone with her, and she was asking how I was doing, how she's doing, blah blah, it somehow gets flipped like, she broke up with me because of things I didn't do, or I forget how she put it, basically it was one of those, "I still love you, but I just wish you had your together, blah blah"

and I'm like, wait a second? What? Its me? I am the one who broke up with you (I am saying this in my mind). It was so crazy how I feel 1 way, and I thought I made my points clear and we split, and now months later she has convinced herself that I was in the wrong, that I didn't live up to my end of the deal in the relationship, and that if I was B and not A, then we could be together.

which the whole conversation sucked because I was trying to be cool, nice, and etc, yet halfway through the conversation I wanted to say "dude, you are a idiot" but I didn't. I let her have her 5 minutes, listened, then when I hung up I felt really ty, like I was a or I was in the wrong.

It make me realize once again why NC is so important, and why breaking it 2 or 3 months down the road is just going to really suck for you because you aren't going to be talking to the same person you were in love with, your going to be talking to someone who has resolved all their issues with the relationship so they feel good, not so its reality.

so.. don't break NC. Its just not worth it :)

[Romefalls19]

Yep, couldn't told you that brick wall doesn't feel too good