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tutsie411 · Mar 29, 2009, 08:32 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half.. I don't know if this is bad I just need just some outside opinions.. we used to have sexual intercourse often.. even oral sex.. but now.. a year and a half into the relationship he says he's paranoid about getting pregnant.. hes always referred to it but he's never been so serious about it... and now refuses to have sex with me.. sometimes even oral.. he says that he can't do oral because he knows its going to lead to sexual intercourse.. so he does pleasure my with his hands.. and we do have oral once a week.if its possible.we are both in our early barely 20's and we both live with our parents.. we don't want to get pregnant.. im a college student and he is too.. but its never been this serious, why does it matter now?. is it bad for him not to want sex?. and when I ask are you sure it's that your paranoid about getting pregnant he says yes baby, why don't you trust me?, you always question me.. so I don't knowif this is bad.. or what not I don't know what to think..

Synnen · Mar 29, 2009, 09:58 PM

First off, this is an ADULT board. Chat speak is not tolerated.

The words are "you" and "your" and "are", not "u" and "ur" and "r".

If you can't trust what he says, why are you having sex with him? Or trying to, in this case?

If you're not ready for a baby, then by all means do NOT have sex.

I think your boyfriend has come up with a great solution, personally.

artlady · Mar 29, 2009, 10:06 PM

If you are 20 than you are old enough to obtain birth control. Why aren't you using birth control?

That would solve the problem or at least give both of you a sense of security.

Some possible reasons a guy that age would have for not wanting to have intercourse,is he is masturbating too much,or he is bored with the sex.

Maybe he thinks you would get pregnant on purpose and he is not ready for fatherhood.

Speculation is only that. You can guess forever but its only a guess.

Get birth control and see what happens then.

liz28 · Mar 30, 2009, 12:04 AM

Does he knows anyone that had a babyrecently? Or has become pregnant?

bronzebabe · Mar 30, 2009, 05:19 AM

It seems he is overly cautious, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. You must be on birth control, and use condoms, so that the chances are slim. Then, if he doesn't want sex, it means there might be something else going on. Are you sure that he is faithful to you? Are you sure he isn't under more stress? Keep your eyes open and listen to him. Good luck!

Choux · Mar 30, 2009, 06:37 AM

Since this is a change in his behavior, then it represents a change in his thinking about you in all likelilhood. HE is looking to his future, and that future does not include a baby and marriage to you.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. :)

Time for you to do some deep thinking about your future with this guy... the excitement of a new romance is over-take a look at his behavior and be prepared to do what is best for you and your future. That may include breaking up-don't waste more time in a losing cause-and learning from your experience and moving on in life.

Best wishes in the future, :)

Synnen · Mar 30, 2009, 07:31 AM

Originally Posted by Choux

Since this is a change in his behavior, then it represents a change in his thinking about you in all likelilhood. HE is looking to his future, and that future does not include a baby and marriage to you.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. :)

Time for you to do some deep thinking about your future with this guy.....the excitement of a new romance is over-take a look at his behavior and be prepared to do what is best for you and your future. That may include breaking up-don't waste more time in a losing cause-and learning from your experience and moving on in life.

Best wishes in the future, :)

Or, alternatively, that he's thinking about finishing school, THEN getting married, THEN having a baby--in that order.

YOU can't tell what he's thinking any more than I can.

This is a situation that calls for truthful and honest communication, not for suspicions that have nothing to do with the situation.

Frankly, I'm more concerned about her lack of trust in what HE says is the reason than I am about their lack of intercourse---ESPECIALLY since other options are being explored.

tutsie411 · Mar 30, 2009, 08:52 AM

See, I am not on birth control because I am on other medications that interfere with the purpose of birth control. He says he loves me too much to see me ruin my life by getting pregnant. And I tried talking to him to see if there was more to the story, but there is nothing else going on. We are each others first everything, first love, first one to have sex with, first kiss. Literally first everything. Hes 24 I am 20. Im not looking into marriage, and he isn't either. And I am fully aware of that. My boyfriend doesn't go out, he stays in a lot and we are practically together all the time, which has led me to believe that he's getting fed up with too much time with me and needs some alone time or friend time. And no he doesn't know anyone whose got pregnant, but he does know a lot of people who are getting married, most of them are cousins. Last night we talked and he did admit that he was scared, he said he wants us to be together but at the same time he doesn't, he wants to be with me because of many pleasant and the most beautiful reasons yet when he got to talking about why not, he said it was because he felt like we were moving too fast and felt like sooner or later we were going to have to start our own lives. I understand where he's coming from but I'm not looking for marriage I just want us to be together, that's it.and what ever life has in store for us it will happen in its own time. My boyfriend is not te cheating type, I know it may sound crazy but he's not a bad guy he is an amazing guy, the guy every mother wants her daughter to date. But as a girl, when a guy refuses to have sex with you it kind of becomes an insult, usually the girl says no to sex. So I start overanalyzing everything and fear his loss of interest with me, but he shows a lot of love to me. So this is a bit confusing and irritating, I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. He has good intentions I'm just really insecure.

artlady · Mar 30, 2009, 09:02 AM

Originally Posted by tutsie411

See, i am not on birth control because i am on other medications that interfere with the purpose of birth control. He says he loves me too much to see me ruin my life by getting pregnant. And i tried talking to him to see if there was more to the story, but there is nothing else going on. We are each others first everything, first love, first one to have sex with, first kiss. Literally first everything. Hes 24 i am 20. Im not looking into marriage, and he isnt either. And i am fully aware of that. My boyfriend doesnt go out, he stays in alot and we are practically together all the time, which has led me to believe that hes getting fed up with too much time with me and needs some alone time or friend time. and no he doesnt know anyone whose got pregnant, but he does know alot of people who are getting married, most of them are cousins. Last night we talked and he did admit that he was scared, he said he wants us to be together but at the same time he doesnt, he wants to be with me because of many pleasant and the most beautiful reasons yet when he got to talking about why not, he said it was because he felt like we were moving too fast and felt like sooner or later we were going to have to start our own lives. I understand where hes coming from but im not looking for marriage i just want us to be together, thats it.and what ever life has in store for us it will happen in its own time. My boyfriend is not te cheating type, i know it may sound crazy but hes not a bad guy he is an amazing guy, the guy every mother wants her daughter to date. but as a girl, when a guy refuses to have sex with you it kind of becomes an insult, usually the girl says no to sex. So i start overanalyzing everything and fear his loss of interest with me, but he shows alot of love to me. so this is a bit confusing and irritating, im probably making a big deal out of nothing. He has good intentions im just really insecure.

He is doing the right thing for both of you and that's very commendable.

Ask yourself why you feel insecure as discovering what is making you feel that way can help you to overcome it.

JudyKayTee · Mar 30, 2009, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by Choux

Since this is a change in his behavior, then it represents a change in his thinking about you in all likelilhood. HE is looking to his future, and that future does not include a baby and marriage to you.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. :)

Time for you to do some deep thinking about your future with this guy.....the excitement of a new romance is over-take a look at his behavior and be prepared to do what is best for you and your future. That may include breaking up-don't waste more time in a losing cause-and learning from your experience and moving on in life.

Best wishes in the future, :)

You are once again reading something into a post that simply is not there - there is no reason to believe this is a "losing cause." He does NOT want the OP to get pregnant and he is preventing the pregnancy by not having intercourse with her.

In some circles he would be commended. In this case, on this Board, you choose to criticize.

Go figure.

chrissymarie · Mar 30, 2009, 10:58 AM

Well the answer to your question lies within you now that you have all the facts lined up...
- boyfriend loves you
- he doesn't want marriage right now
- he doesn't want kids right now
- he won't have sex with you because of his fear
- and he stated that's it getting about time that you two start living oyut own lifes

Its up to you if you can put up with all his anxiety issues and also maybe look into the fact he said you 2 need to start living your own lives... what the he** does that mean?? Is he trying to say things are a bit too clingy right now?

nikosmom · Mar 31, 2009, 11:44 AM

OP, you need to decide if you can deal with this situation. It seems like you are uncomfortable and unhappy. If you were having sex before and now he's distancing himself from you; you will have to respect his wishes. If you think more is going on than he's telling you, then you can choose to leave the situation.

Maybe he's just being extra careful because he knows that anytime you engage in sexual activity pregnancy is possible. There's always that chance. Bottom line is that if you want more than he's giving, you may have to decide if it's worth it to you to stay in the relationship.