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Stop the stereotypes and oversimplification!
Hi. This isn't meant to be a question, but I'd just like to start a thread on my takes on (romantic/sexual) relationships.
I'm only in my mid 20's and most of my time is spent studying so I won't assume the knowing-it-all position, but I have travelled the world, and in the process I've been exposed to various cultural takes on relationships, some aspects overlap, some aspects show people do have different mentalities. I'm open-minded and feminist-oriented (believing in gender equality, not in beating the crap out of men), but I'm not totally liberal either. I believe in fidelity. I judge cheaters and liars. I'm monogamous-oriented (I don't judge polygamy based on honesty). I'm independent. I'm not clingy. But it doesn't mean I will go pretentiously nonchalant about the fact that I want more from my men either. I'm Asian, educated in Australia and Europe. I've never been to US but I've been exposed to American culture, and here is my point; oversimplication. In my pov, Americans tend to love their labels; nerds, geeks, freaks, emos, feminists, bimbos, sluts, manwhores, nice guys, girls next door, losers, jocks etc. True, those people possess the said traits you label them, but it doesn't define who they are. People are not that simple. Same with men and women distinction camps. True, we're built to be physically different, and that the fact that women give birth and are physically weaker renders us to be socially inferior for millenniums. But we're not built to be intellectually and emotionally weaker. Science has proved that that're some sort of hormones associated when we have sex so women tend to be more emotionally attached. But the perpetuation of such stereotypes (guys are simply emotionally stupid jerks whose interests are only sport, food and sex while women are the victims in the relationship, and the so-called nice guys being dumped by sluts) on American media sickens me. No, men are not from mar and women are not from venus. We may be different but not THAT different. I hate people (mostly men) who think women who are sexually confident are promiscuous and guys who act the same way are real men. I'm not saying that women should go sleep around like Samantha in sex and the city (she's a sexual addict btw), but what about men? Maybe it's because they behave that way for centuries it's become a norm, a normal DOUBLE STANDARD. And all the fairytales and self-help self-proclaimed relationship books!! THIS IS MADNESS. You don't need someone to tell you what rules should you have in your relationships. You and together with your partner(s) make your own rules (or even not). A lot of people who say having sex too early can ruin the good potential relationship. True, but guess what, that only happen when the other party (mostly men) are too shallow in respecting the woman less just because she didn't save herself before marriage. Another explanation might be that they discovered they really are sexually incompatible. Yes, sex is important, it brings people closer, but not at all a key to the relationship (sexual relationships are the exceptions). My parents haven't had sex in decades, they fight over stupid things, but they're extremely strong together. I'm lucky to be in a loving, warm family. Life isn't a fairytale. Yes, one lifelong marriage with your 'soulmate' is a dream of most people (me included), but sadly it doesn't always work out that way for many people. Those happily married don't need to preach or shove their happiness in any single/unattached ppl's faces. And those who are single, in FWBs or whatever don't have to act all cynical, or in complete negation that you don't need that kind of love and commitment either. Of course you can be fine, happy with your FWBs whatever, I'm not here to judge or preach, it's your choice, but at the end of the day (or towards the end of your life), don't you want a companion whom you confide in? Sometimes, one person is enough, sometimes it isn't. I had an experience when all the pace seemed to be right, both of us patiently waited for the physical part, and before I knew, he ended things abruptly because he didn't want to get hurt. He's the most shy guy, the sweetest, cutest nerd I ever knew. And my current one, the older confident colleague whom I slept with on a 2nd date, a lot of things about him seem to be fishy in normal social standards. We're not each other's love of our lives, but he shows me he cares, and there's no need to wonder why he hasn't called (That He's not that into you book is stupid, there's truth in there, but way too simplified). Yes, he's been using me for sex, but I've been using him for sex too. We're not FWBs (even in lovemaking between a loving married couple, there must be moments when you need pleasure for only yourself, don't deny that), it's just that we're still getting to know each other (so the I really love your personalities part is too soon), and since the physical attraction comes first, we've been having lots of sex. I'm not a victim of an older sex-craved guy as I doubted before. And I'm not disillusioned into thinking it's real love (what is it anyway?) and that I have to keep pushing for more commitment from him. I'll stop posting relationship questions on any board, because I now know better :) |
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There are some very good books out there to help people who really need it. Maybe you don't. |
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And all the fairytales and self-help self-proclaimed relationship books!! THIS IS MADNESS. You don't need someone to tell you what rules should you have in your relationships. You and together with your partner(s) make your own rules (or even not).
My advice if a combination of life experience(I am 54) and common sense methods for improvement . I agree that there is no *one size fits all* for relationship advice but there are some general rules that define a good relationship and there are proven methods that can help failing relationships. To say all self help is madness is a very broad and ,to my way of thinking, incorrect statement.If you want to succeed at something you study and learn as much as you can.I think this applies ,in many cases to inter personal relationships as well. I get the distinct feeling from your post that you have been given advice you did not like or advice that is too difficult for you to accept. I hope all your relationships flourish and you have no need to post on the relationship boards. Best of luck! |
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I agree to an extent, but it appears you are also quick to judge men for thinking women who sleep around are sl*ts. I won't lie, I feel a certain disgust if I find out a 20 year old girl has been with 20 some guys. It's the same I feel about guys who are like that as well. One thing I have learned, women are fair more critical of each other than men are. In a study of a teenage magazine, 85% of girls said members of the same sex started rumors and/or gossip about them. In the same study, only 24% of guys said the same with their sex. |
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Why are you trying to explain yourself? It sounds like you did not get advice that you liked. Your only new here, so your going to get different peoples advice. Some you will like and some you will not, but this is a QUESTION AND ANSWER SITE. Not a comment site. By the way hate is quite a strong word to use. Honestly did not read your other posts but if you are going to be here, you need to understand that maybe there is some advice that you can not accept but is actually true. Stop the stereotypes and oversimplification! Who exactly is doing that? Is it really stereotypes, is it really oversimplification. Or are you just over sensitive?? |
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I get the distinct feeling from your post that you have been given advice you did not like or advice that is too difficult for you to accept.
But I don't really understand your 'too difficult to accept'. I'm not sure if you were patronising me. I always use rationale in my judgement, I've even been criticised as basing things too much on logic and rationale. It must be the cultural difference. And the fact that we disagree doesn't mean it's bad. I like discussions based on logic and rationale. I'm an atheist-Buddhist Asian and I do believe that the depth of Buddhist philosophies provide explanations for everything, what is grief, cause of grief, ways to overcome grief, and the state of being grief-ridden, for instance. I'm not saying that my religion is better than others, but since Buddhism is philosophy, I just think that my culture has the privilege of having it at hands (not that many people pay attention, sadly) while Christian Westerners have all the self help books (which I don't think they're all bad, otherwise they wouldn't be sold) that are based on personal experiences, like this board, people with less experience seeking advice from those who are more experienced. I hope all your relationships flourish and you have no need to post on the relationship boards. Best of luck![/quote] Thank you :) |
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Perhaps you may have oversimplified your critique of oversimplification and stereotypes. It's nice that you have a stance on this yet you lump "all Americans" into a stereotype that they all love to label too. ;) Nice. Really, that's not the point I'm trying to make though.
Labels exist for a reason - and no, I don't consider them all bad. If you see some dude come up to you dressed like someone in a biker gang, what's your first reaction? Does that mean that every guy dressed like that is actually in a biker gang? Of course not. But consider this idea - our preferences in life project a certain personal identity. This not only includes the way we dress, speak, and communicate but our general likes and dislikes as well. If this does not "define" a person as you say, I ask you what truly does? Say for a moment you see two physically identical people dressed exactly the same standing side by side. You really can't tell much about them except for the way they dress, but what truly sets them apart? What if you're told that the person on the left loves cats and dogs, loves to play golf, and likes opera music? Does that not give you a better idea about what type of person they may be and who they really are, even if it is based on a few arbitrary preferences? Believe it or not, many of the relationship stereotypes also exist with good cause. I can go into a deep biological discussion about why these exist and why they are true a lot of the time, but I haven't had my coffee this morning yet :D I'll be the first to say I am by no means the definitive authority on any of this, but you have to admit I make some pretty good damn points :cool: Yes, I use stereotypes and labels but I do have an open mind as well. I'm willing to give almost anyone the benefit of the doubt at least once - unless you're some crazy Asian girl in their mid 20's posting on this board :) Good luck to you as well in life and all your current/future relationships |
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 Originally Posted by BeaCoeur
This is an advice column. It's for people who need advice. I'm sure there are plenty of forums out there for you and others of your ilk to spout off about Americans. |
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Sorry your experience was not that great here, but the thing you need to know is, some people are not going to agree because they think differently than you do. The good part about advice from strangers is you don't have to take it, and just so you know relationships is only one subject on this site. |
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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
I wasn't trying to explain myself, I described my background so that you know where I'm coming from. I have no intention to criticise the members here (if it looks that way, I'm sorry). So you don't have to be offended. I'm not offending anyone. I'm not saying YOU oversimplify things. And no, I'm not overly sensitive (and you don't have the right to criticise me that way, I didn't criticise you personally. I don't even know you.) It's just that I'm not American, but being exposed to American movies/media/culture and seeing the shallowness of some just make me want to contribute my take to things. Of course, not all Americans are that way, and I'm no way anti-American, it's just that the shallow ones happen to be in the media and represent your country. Sorry again for bringing my COMMENT on a Q&A forum, I just thought maybe it'll spark constructive debates. |
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I don't even know what to say to this post. I, too, have traveled the world as well as lived overseas (China). I have been exposed to different cultures and "takes" on love. The one thing that I noticed is that most cultures DO look to American media for their relationship answers and role models. But, to lump all Americans in the same boat is rather hypocritical. If you don't like the portrayal of relationships in American media, you have the choice to not watch it. There are labels. Everyone has a label. The human psyche is programed to try and fit into a stereotype. What? You may argue that point, but even if you are bent on trying to "break the mold" and not fit into anyone's stereotype, you are defining the stereotype of "trend setter" or "loner." (I'm still rather clueless on the purpose of your post... ) I'm not sure I agree with your rejection of all self-help books. For example, if I want to learn how to surf, I'm going to get a Surfing for Dummies self-help book. If I want to learn about gardening, I'm going to get a self-help book. I view relationship self-help books in the same light as these. If someone honestly doesn't know how to do something (be a girlfriend, recover from a breakup, get over the loss of a loved one), they should have the option to read how someone else has survived a similar circumstance. Just because you don't like them doesn't make them wrong. That's what having a will does - you can choose to read them or you can choose to ignore them. I was intruiged by your post, not only because of the caustic tone of "voice," but also by your repetitive assurance that you have arrived. So, in that respect, thank you for posting! Although, I still don't get the purpose of the post... but it has created a mentally stimulating conversation! |
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Originally Posted by talaniman
The only thing that bothers me from this particular reply of yours is that you patronised me for saying my experience was not that great. Experience doesn't only mean YEARS of experience. I don't pretend to know more than you or others, but I know I don't have to be patronised just because I'm still in my mid 20's. |
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I was not criticising you. You being overly sensitive though is making you think that I did. We could play around with words and sentences and throwing around different cultures. For the most part here on this website there are people here from around the world. You going on about Americans and culture is okay if that is how you feel. I myself not being American... But have american friends and family, there is differences. With differences in cultures there is sometimes misunderstandings and that is all. You do not have to apologize but I was just stating what this website was for. That is all. Discussion is good, and there are areas of this websites where discussions can be done. As others have stated, what is the purpose of this thread? Joe |
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But I don't really understand your 'too difficult to accept'. I'm not sure if you were patronising me. I always use rationale in my judgement, I've even been criticised as basing things too much on logic and rationale.
Some people who ask for help here find the advice given too difficult to accept as they are in denial and come here with an agenda that only serves to back up their theory.They are not truly seeking advice but need reinforcement of a previously held belief. As an aside,I have studied Buddhism and have found the tenets therein to be very compatible with helping the self. I hope you will use your considerable expertise to answer questions here,as your prospective will be appreciated. |
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The purpose of this thread is, yes, as we've pointed out, I'm not satisfied with some answers (in general, not just this board, or to my own questions) that seem to me to be basing on such generalisation that I mentioned (like, oh he must be using you because you seem to be so easy, etc.). I've been on other boards where I find myself verbally attacked by some immature teenage Americans calling me 'the dumbest ever, couldn't keep my legs close, slut, skank, promiscuous'. Of course, I might be a bit overly sensitive and I don't have to stoop to their level and just ignore. But they were deliberate personal attacks, not just some negative comments, and I feel that I need apologies, justice and making shallow/ignorant/sexist people see the light. And I admit, I was quick to judge sometimes. My first question on here I got 'promiscuous' as the first reply (but that issue was already solved). But after I read more on this site, I can really see that most people here are much more rounded and civilised and really helpful (like the one with the woman in an abusive relationship). Keep up the good work guys ;-) |
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The only thing that bothers me from this particular reply of yours is that you patronised me for saying my experience was not that great. Experience doesn't only mean YEARS of experience. I don't pretend to know more than you or others, but I know I don't have to be patronised just because I'm still in my mid 20's.
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I'm not 100% sure why you posted, but I'm guessing that you wanted to create a debate on this subject... (I think I read it in one of your posts ;))
As for oversimplification and stereotyping. Sure some people here at AMHD and people out there in the general world do that, my personal experience at AMHD, however, hasn't been that people do this. Most people who answer peoples questions are helpful, or when needed; honest and direct. And the benefit is as Talaniman pointed out; when getting advice from strangers over the web you can choose not to take it. We are all going to come across (and have come across) people whom we do not agree with, I find this to be quite natural seeing as not everyone has the same experiences, the same opinions or the same outlook on life. Same goes for the people we meet. I'm not going to have great chemistry with everyone I meet, and I don't expect everyone I meet to have great chemistry with me either. I do believe you when you say that you're not anti-america; but I do have to say that in you're OP and in your other posts you do come across as anti-american. Not everyone on this site is American. You're not, I'm European myself (northern) and there are people here from all corners of the world. And we are all different, sure, we have been raised in different countries, different settings, different decades and we have experienced different things. But that's what I really like about reading other peoples advice on AMHD... I like the diversity and I even like that the people who oversimplify or stereotype get to voice their opinions... sometimes they're right on the money, sometimes their not... but heck sometimes I'm right on the money; sometimes I'm not. As for stereotyping; it is a very natural process in the human psyche like HC wrote. Most of us have social schemes in our heads that keep track of things, and some use stereotyping as a way to feel a little safer in the world. As for that american teen you met on another board, well that was just rude and unnecessary behavior... Sometimes I think ppls answer comes across as over simplified because the answer to a question is simple when its seen from the outside. PS: Most of us, lol I was thinking of the kids at work who have autism... and people whom are not aware of social settings etc. |
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Hi. This isn't meant to be a question, but I'd just like to start a thread on my takes on (romantic/sexual) relationships.
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When you write things like "'I'm not American, but being exposed to American movies/media/culture and seeing the shallowness of some just make me want to contribute my take to things.". This tells me that your going by what the movies/media message is saying instead of forming an option from personal interactions. Do you not know that movies/tv shows are made up just to get rating? So you shouldn't try to form facts just from not but sadly a lot of other cultures do. However, you forget that America is fill with all cultures so what do you about Asian Americans? Also, you stated that you got attacked by a lot of teenage Americans on other forums but there is two sides to every story and I doubt they just attack you for no reason. Who know what you wrote. Any who, what do you consider being insulting when members responding to this thread and your taking some of their answers as being insults when it really isn't. And you can't really think you were going to just write what you wanted on an open forum and everyone will be okay with it and not say nothing. Everyone response thus far as been in a mature matter. Before I read this thread I thought it was going be totally different tone. You started this thread label "stop the stereotypes and oversimplification!" however from what you wrote it seems like your doing the exact opposite. |
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