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makapuu · Mar 14, 2009, 06:32 PM

My boyfriend's ex recently re-entered his life to inform him that she has cancer. She probably doesn't know that he is in a very loving relationship with me. Since she reached out for my boyfriend, he wants to visit her before she begins extensive treatment. I offered to go with him to see her, but I'm chickening out now. My boyfriend ended their relationship because she was too physically clingy and emotionally needy. My paradox is that he loves me, and I am just as clingy and needy and I even slightly resemble her. I am feeling that the sight of me with her ex-boyfriend will cause her a bit of sadness. Should I visit her, or stay away?

Jlesnik33 · Mar 14, 2009, 06:41 PM

First thing, trust your boyfriend. You know he loves you because he did not break up with you, even though you say you are also clingy.

Even though its an ex, having cancer is one of the most scarest thing in anybodys life. And just having people there to support her through it all even her ex boyfriend would probably be a good feeling on her part.

Ask your boyfriend, Should I go, what do you think? He knows how she is and how she would react. I think you should be asking your boyfriend that question.

makapuu · Apr 5, 2009, 08:01 PM

Thanks for the advice. I've decided to ask my boyfriend's opinion when the time comes. It has been a month, and he has made no mention of visiting his ex-girlfriend. I am thinking that he is avoiding the visit himself. The odd thing is that at least once a week we will run into someone that asks my boyfriend for an update on his ex's condition. My boyfriend usually replies that he hasn't heard anything since he found out a month ago, and the discussion ends there.
When we found out a month ago, we both sent her separate e-mails. I'm sure my boyfriend had his own things to say, but I wrote that I was sorry to hear about her illness and told her that she would be in my thoughts and prayers. She replied to my boyfriend but she didn't reply to me. I'm trying not to take it personally, but I think it means she still doesn't want to acknowledge that I exist.

makapuu · Apr 22, 2009, 04:41 AM

The visit with the ex-girlfriend didn't happen, but her son came by to visit and provided an update of his mother's condition. It was a short visit, but I think it answered a lot of questions for me. The boy seemed to accept me as the new girlfriend. He also mentioned that his mother had a new man. As divine intervention would have it, the boy received a call from his mother while we were at lunch, so it's almost as if we were all together in spirit, thoughts and prayers.

makapuu · Jun 12, 2009, 02:24 PM

I suppose I write these updates for my own peace of mind. I had been waiting for my boyfriend to mention how his ex is doing and he said he doesn't know because she hadn't updated her website in a while. So I checked the web for her site, and read it myself. For the past few months or so, she has been on medications that make her hallucinate. That explains a lot, and I feel bad for thinking she should have acknowledged my e-mails from a few months ago. Her condition is worse than I expected, and I feel bad now.

Justwantfair · Jun 12, 2009, 02:34 PM

I personally don't think she had an obligation to acknowledge your emails, I think you were out of line to write one.

I personally would have found it stressful to receive any communication from my ex-partner's current partner. The condition and stress that she is already under is enough without the additional stress of appeasing your mind as far as she is concerned.

An ex is an ex for a reason, they aren't together and weren't and you have to trust your boyfriend or you aren't in a relationship.

makapuu · Jun 16, 2009, 11:51 PM

I guess I was out of line to e-mail her, but as her former co-worker, I just couldn't ignore the fact that she has cancer. The fact that I started dating her boyfriend when they were on a break caused some friction as she tried to get him back for the next six months. But then I got a job where she works and things mellowed out between us when she got a new boyfriend. We never talked about our relationships around each other. We only worked together for a year when I found a different job. I think I was still in her address book when she sent a change of address email to everyone. I thought she was reaching out to everyone for support, so I sent her a reply email. I didn't know that she was already in an advanced stage of the disease and someone else had sent that email for her.
I still feel a little sad about everything, but I am letting it go.

Justwantfair · Jun 17, 2009, 08:05 AM

Well at least that explained that you had some history with her of your own.

Just keep her in your prayers and support your boyfriend. Life is too short to be angry and there is no doubt that you are the last thing she is worrying about. Just don't be the additional stress that she doesn't need right now.