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hyperstang392 · Mar 3, 2009, 03:20 PM

Last summer my 8 year old son (then 7) and my 10 year old daughter decided to watch movies together for about a week. They fell asleep a few nights together. My son decided to put his hand down her pants and touch her butt while she was asleep. My daughter told us and we talked to our son about it. He denied it for about 5 hours. Then he confessed to it. He was told that was wrong and was punished . Now a few days ago my 3 year old daughter pointed to her privates and said my son touched her ouch. I asked my son about it and he has denied it for two days now. What can I do?

Fr_Chuck · Mar 3, 2009, 03:46 PM

Kids at early ages have "played doctor" for as long as kids existed.
Have you had any facts of life talks, have the differences in boys and girls beeen explained to him.

Do you have a reason to believe it is anything.

ScottGem · Mar 3, 2009, 04:44 PM

I'm going to have to disagree with Chuck to some extent. I certainly agree that kids, especially pre-teens, play doctor. I think that too much is made of kids caught playing doctor.

However this does not appear to be playing doctor. Neither sister appears to have willingly participated in a game.

The first time with the older sister, it sounds like you reacted correctly. But now that he has ignored the warnings that this was inappropriate and continued the behavior, you need to escalate.

I would suggest taking him to a therapist to determine whether this is normal curiousity or the beginnings of some deviant behavior pattern. At his age this can be corrected, but it needs to be dealt with as a serious issue, In my opinion.

gorgeouslady · Mar 10, 2009, 02:47 PM

Yes,I issues like this can escalate into something really serious in future if not dealt with now.you never know if he'll try to rape his sisters when he becomes sexually active.you have to let him know incest is wrong by all means and doing what he's doing now can lead to incest down the road.really alarming behaviour

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 03:06 PM

He is showing aggressive sexual behavior and that is not *playing doctor*.

Not to be an alarmist but often in young children this behavior is mimicked because they have been or are a victim of inappropriate touching.

There are a wide variety of age appropriate books teaching about good touches and bad touches.He needs to understand the difference.Clearly! Have a dialogue and ask him to repeat what he has learned.

You also need to continue to empower all of your children to *tell* on anyone who is using *bad* touches.

You do not have this conversation just once but on a frequent basis.Its a slippery slope because you want them to be prepared ,but you do not want them to mistrust everyone.

I suggest you go to the library and get some books for children and review them with your kids.

He needs to know that sexual curiosity is normal but he also needs to learn restraint.

MicroMama · Mar 12, 2009, 10:13 AM

I agree with the others and I would also say it's more than just simple curiosity as it sounds like the sisters were not willing participants, like PP said.

I would talk to both your son and the 3 year old separately to try to get more information. Maybe your 8 year old would open up more easily if he felt he wouldn't be punished? Maybe you could approach it a different way, like, "We want to help you and if you're having trouble controlling your curiosity or are having urges you don't understand, we want to help." He may be confused or not understand that what he's doing is wrong. Perhaps he's simply immature.

On the other hand, like PP said, the first thing I thought was maybe he has been the victim of abuse. Do you feel comfortable talking to him about this? Even if you don't, I think it's a conversation you NEED to have and do it NOW. If he's been the victim of abuse he needs help and he needs your loving support, not further punishment.

Either way, I think therapy may be a good step. He might not feel comfortable opening up to you and he may fear being punished for his actions; meaning they won't necessarily stop, he will just get better at hiding it from you.

Good luck. I don't envy your position.

ScottGem · Mar 12, 2009, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by MicroMama

like PP said.

Umm who is PP?

liz28 · Mar 12, 2009, 06:04 PM

If I'm not mistaken I believe PP means people.

XOXOlove · Mar 12, 2009, 06:53 PM

Lol PP... anyway I think you should take your son to a counceloror or pysciatrist because he possibly touched both of your daughters. I don't think it's just a matter of curiosity it seems more like a pyscological thing. I think he knew what he had done was wrong because he denied it. From what you wrote, it does sound like he touched your other daughter too. That's not a normal thing and it should stop before it becomes a habbit.

MicroMama · Mar 13, 2009, 05:14 AM

PP stands for "previous poster".

liz28 · Mar 13, 2009, 07:55 AM

I really think you need to get him into counselling before he starts touching other girls beside his sisters. This issue needs to address asap.

Justwantfair · Mar 13, 2009, 07:58 AM

My bigger concern, is a three year old describing it as "ouch", that is aggressive and I would have my daughter examined.

This child's behavior is not within the boundaries of "normal doctor play".

artlady · Mar 13, 2009, 02:10 PM

My bigger concern, is a three year old describing it as "ouch"

Justwantfair,I assumed that her *ouch* was a euphemism for her private parts. Could be wrong on that but the way it was written gave me that impression.

Justwantfair · Mar 13, 2009, 02:23 PM

Guess my question is why would a three year old refer to their privates as "ouch"? I could see naughty or bad... just don't understand "ouch".

I guess that is why my bigger concern is the brother's touch apparently caused pain which is why she associated the "ouch".

ScottGem · Mar 13, 2009, 04:16 PM

OK, people, the OP has not returned for a week now. We are all agreed, the son needs counseling. I don't think anything needs to be added.

As an aside to AskMeExpert21, You don't put a child ike this in "the doghouse", you get him help.

ScottGem · Mar 13, 2009, 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by Askmeexperrt21

yeah, i wasnt recommending that. that was referring to the fact that if he were my child he would have a giant punishment and i would have taken him to counseling the 1st time this problem occured.

I disagree. The first time it was a 7 year old acting inappropriately. Its wasn't unnatural behavior for a 7 year old boy who may not have had that it was inappropriate explained properly. So I think the parents reaction after the initial incident was appropriate. But once it was repeated, it needed to be dealt with more seriously.

XOXOlove · Mar 15, 2009, 08:19 AM

I also wouldn't have taken the kid to a councelor the first time he touched his sister, but if he did it again I would because it would have seemed like he was just curious the first time. Because he did it again when he was told that it was wrong it doesn't seem like he is just being curious

unspeaken21 · Mar 17, 2009, 07:18 PM

OK.. I'm going to share something.. even though I shouldn't because its not my story to tell and I've been trusted not to tell anyone... But I really think its best you know so you can stop it before its too late...

My closest friend has an older brother.. when she was young her brother took her under a bed and wanted to see her body parts and wanted her to touch his.. (he was 10 at that time)..
Thankfully the mom caught them mid-way through but she didn't do much other then ground them..
When my friend grew up, she didn't have a normal relationship with her brother.. and didn't know how to have a normal relationship with her brother..

So one day, around 2 years ago, they were home alone, she was in her room and had the door locked because she was beginning to feel to uncomfortable around him(other stuff happened that leads to this but it will be too long to say)... so he asks her to open the door,, she was on the phone so she told him later.. but he was like no open the door just for a bit.. and she did... I guess he didn't believe she was on the phone.. when he opened the door, she said he had this look in his eyes. She had the phone next to her ear so he backed off... and left her alone.. but after a few minutes he was trying to find other ways to enter her room, like checking to see if her window were open (but very silently so she wouldn't notice)... she was so freaked that she called her dad.. who then called her brother to tell him to stop... and then her dad called her other brother and made him come back home (he was out with friends)... (and the parents where traveling).. . if you didn't understand, he was going to rape her...

The next day she came and slept over my house... and I had never seen her so terrified.. she told me her home is no longer safe when her brother is their (thankfully he studies abroad so he only comes back home during the vacations... and the parents believe it never happened)...
...

Just please do something before its too late... Get your soons help.. and talk to your daughter to see if she is OK...
This type of behavior rarely ends...
Good luck...

plonak · Mar 17, 2009, 07:58 PM

I haven't read all the posts here so I could be repeating myself..

Is there a chance that your son has been molested before he started touching his siblings? I have heard of cases where kids have been molested so they act out and touch other kids because they felt like their control was taken from them.. and subconsciously they try to get the control back

I think you need to have the son checked out and ask him if he's ever been touched inappropriatly.. good luck

MicroMama · Mar 18, 2009, 05:10 AM

Hyperstang, do you have an update?